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female
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anonymous
writes: I am very frustrated. I have been married only 9 months and my husband seems uninterested in sex. I am 26 and he is 28. We have no children yet.Our relationship was long distance for a year before the wedding and we only saw each other once a month. During those visits he never really initiated sex - i practically had to beg for it - so this is nothing new. He says he loves me, tells me how beautiful i am, doesn't cheat, and always buys flowers, etc. He's military and was deployed 8 1/2 weeks after we were married and was gone for 3 months. When he got home you'd think he'd "jump my bones" the minute he saw me, but we had sex once or twice. This has been a source of many, if not all, arguments since day one. I always have self doubt and think i must not be doing something right. He had a pretty wild past and slept with quite a few partners, while i on the other hand, only had 2 partners before. I constantly compare myself to his exes because apparently he was interested in sex or he wouldnt have had so much sex!! To make matters worse, i found some letters from his girlfriend before me that were quite explicit and sexual. I wondered, if you were like that with her and very sexual just a year before you met me what happened. This leads me to conclude i am not sexy enough or experienced enough for him ! Please help me before this ruins my marriage more than it already has! Is it me ?? He wont give me a straight answer. P.S I left him once before because of this.
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flowers, his ex, long distance, military, sex drive, wedding Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni just wanted to thank everyone for their advice. i had a long talk with my husband and finally got everything out in the open. he said he didn't realize that things had gotten that bad. he begged me to give him a chance to make up for it and be understanding with him. he has definitely made an improvement. he also said work was very stressful, as he is in the military. thanks again.
A
female
reader, hannieseds  +, writes (26 May 2006):
 Hi there,
I was reading back over this and it really pulled at me because I can feel how hard this is for you even though your husband sounds like he treats you wonderfully. Will you please let me know how things go?
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A
male
reader, twiltan +, writes (25 May 2006):
Hi
One different angle to consider. It could well be that your OH has anxiety/confidence problems about his ability to perform. This could be ourely psychological, or due to physical problems.
If its psychological, then putting on pressure will make it worse and could lead to him viewing sex as a chore that he 'has to do'. Communication is vital, but i think a none-agressive way is absoloutly vital.
Have you tried 'dating' again?. Or perhaps you would be willing to dress up a little?. Night spent just giving each other a massage with no pressure for anything else to happen are another possibility..odds are something will happen.
Performing oral on each other with no pressure for sex might be another way to go.
A year or so ago i lost interest in sex with my wife and it went down to maybee once a week. I still loved her just as much, had nothing wrong with me at all, and still thought she was gorgeous ..it just turned out that a change was needed as id got into a 'routine'. Had my wife put pressure on me, id have probably got really paranoid and avoided sex altogether.
Anyway just a different way of looking at it
Regards
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for the advice hannieseds. As to the sex question - It has gotten to the point that we have sex maybe once every 2 weeks or so! At least once a week would be great. I honestly do think we have different sex drives like you mentioned. I just need to feel validated in the sexual part of our relationship because he is great in every other aspect. He never cheats, he cooks for me, helps around the house, bought me a new car a month after we got married, took us on a cruise for valentines day(as a late honeymoon, he constantly tells me how beuatiful he thinks i am and that he is in love with me.I don't even have to work if i dont want to. I could sing his praises all day and i'm sure most people think i have it made with him and am crazy to complain. But i need to feel love in the bedroom more often also. Normally men wanna give everything in the bedroom and nothing outside of it, but my husband is completely opposite. I tell him i'm starting to feel like i am married to a friend. I feel stupid having to force something that should happen naturally, but i will take the advice and try something new instead of crying to him about it. I just wish he would truly understand how i feel - if the roles were reversed things would be different.
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A
female
reader, hannieseds +, writes (25 May 2006):
Hi there,
My partner is 31 and i'm only 23 and for a while there it was always me initiating sex and he just seemed like he wasn't interested! I started to feel very insecure, with constant argument about it because he just didn't think he was doing anything wrong and that he was just tired from working so hard and blah blah blah.
I think what it comes down to is the extreame difference in our sex drives. He knows that I think about having sex with him 24/7 and am up for it anytime and now, after many many talks, he knows that I need for him to 'jump my bones' out of the blue every so often to make me feel good. All I can say is that it has worked!
Do you think this is similar to your situation? The extreame different sex drives thing? It really does suck, and to some extent I do know how you feel, and over the last few years I have learnt that I just can't get so hung up about it because it will eventually drive a wedge between us if I do. But I also know how important it is for us woman to feel wanted and desired on a sexual level, so I know how hard this can be to deal with.
How often do you have sex (if you don't mind me asking). You said you have left him once before over this, so that leads me to believe that it isn't much at all.
The only thing i can suggest is to MAKE him give you a straight answer. Why don't you try writing everything down in a letter about how you feel, what you would like more from him, how it makes you feel when he turns you down etc (remember to use 'I' statements and not to sound attacking, as this is such a sensitive subject for males). Either give the letter to him or use it to get your thoughts straight before you attempt to talk with him again. I don't understand why he won't give you a straight answer about this when you have left him before over it!
You need to get tough and say that you need answers from him because you are feeling so bad about yourself - and no one should make you feel like that.
So after reading that you're probably feeling pretty low still right? So I want you to now make a list of all the things you love about your husband. Think about the things that make you smile about him, the things he does, how he makes you feel (apart from the sex thing). Use this as a basis for creating good vibes in yourself before attempting to talk to him again/write a letter.
I really hope this helps xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice. I married him because we were in love and he treats me better than anyone ever has before, and continues to do so. I don't know if it is because he's older and settled more now than his younger years or what the deal is. He swears he is attracted to me physically and sexually and we do have sex, but just not as much as i'd like. I'm used to men always trying to have sex. He says he was no different is his past than with me and that he's never been a lovey-dovey person. I'm just very insecure about this. He's also gained quite a bit of weight in the past 5 or so years. Does anyone think it is a problem with me or with him?
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A
female
reader, ShortandSweet? +, writes (24 May 2006):
 "Having a wild past" might mean he has slept with someone once or twice and then bailed out.t doesn't mean that he is a stud! Despite all the images of sexiness and "up for it" that are presented on our TVs - some people just have a lower sex drive than others - and one thing that's guaranteed to lower it even further is feeling inadequate or pressurised. Don't expect him to jump your bones, don't put pressure on, just tell him he's gorgeous; make some moves and allow him to feel relaxed about making love to you! Best of luck, luv xxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2006): This probably won't help at all... but why did you go ahead and marry him?
You obviously need this to change for the marriage to work, but considering he has never been interested in sex with you... I doubt that will ever change.
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