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female
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*ettab1
writes: Hello, I have an advice question for you if you ever have any extra time. I'm going crazy and would fully appreciate it. I am engaged to be married in less than two months to a wonderful man and I want to be married whole-heartedly. However, I still frequently miss my ex-boyfriend. I have had periods where I haven't talked with him for up to six months and still get in small bouts of depression after being triggered by certain songs etc. My ex and I have not been together for almost 3 years, however we remained sort of friends on and off although my fiancee hates him-understandably so. My ex recently professed his love to me again....and says he would marry me. At that point I told him we could not talk any longer ever because I am engaged and want to marry my fiancee. I do want to marry my fiancee because he is a wonderful man who loves me with his whole heart...will my ex ever leave me head? My family told me it's normal to miss my first love. Is it normal to be bothered this much? Is it ok for me to feel this way and get married? I actually think this has continued for three years. I have continually tried to choose my current fiancee and not think about my ex or talk to him, but it never works and I am driven crazy. Is this a sign that I am not mature enough to get married? If you ever have time....please help. Thank you, wanting some peace
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male
reader, Lostandalone  +, writes (26 May 2006):
 Honestly, I feel like you are marrying your fiance because he is everything your fiance is not and its silly to play cat and mouse games when someone else's feelings are involved. People will quote such phrases like; "If its meant to be it will be" or "If you love someone let them go and if they come back to you then their yours forever". All crap. You must take your destiny in your own hands is what the should be saying. Trust your heart as I said before. Either way it is wrong to marry a man because you think he would be a good husband not because you love him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2006): "Is this a sign that I am not mature enough to get married?" This is the wrong question. The right question is: "Is this a sign that I'm not listening to my gut?"
I cannot tell you what you need to do - only you can decide this. What I can tell you is what could happen if you decide to follow through with the wedding.
I have a life that, modesty aside, is the envy of many people that I know. I am financially secure, I have a good marriage of over ten years with someone that I love, and I have a beautiful daughter who loves me. Sounds perfect right? Not quite. Like you, I had the noise of an unresolved relationship buzzing around in my head. The buzzing left several years ago, but I recently gained devastating insight into doubts that have been nagging me since before I proposed. Had I gained this insight before I proposed, I might have made a different choice. But I didn't, and I have to find a way to compensate for something that is missing for me in my marriage. It's only one thing, but it is a big thing. I hope the lack of it doesn't cost me my marriage.
One final comment: These doubts are in your mind only. It will be too easy to project them onto your fiance and your ex. They are not making you do anything, so don't try to blame them for the consequences of the choice you are about to make. I wish you luck in making the difficult decision about whether or not to break the engagement.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (24 May 2006):
 I'm of the opinion that you shouldn't get married if there's any doubt in your mind.
And you, hon, have doubts -- Big Time.
If you re-read your own two postings you'll see an interesting point: you haven't once written that you love your fiance. You write that he's "wonderful" and loves you with his "whole heart", that he's "responsible" and so forth, but nothing about loving him!
In fact, it sounds very much like you THINK you should love your fiance for all those reasons, but your real heart is with your ex.
Please don't go through with your wedding until you've sorted this issue out in your head. It's terribly unfair to your future husband, the man who loves you completely, that for the last three years, you've really loved another man. That feeling isn't going to go away, simply because you have a ring on your finger. If anything, the resentment of not having married the man you're so obsessed with is going to hurt your chances of happiness with your husband.
I gather that you're now in your mid-20s, so there's no rush for you to get married, no biological clock etc. So, are you marrying your fiance because he wants you to, or because you want to? Or because, having started the "wedding ball" rolling, you feel locked into it?
Trust me -- I've been there -- it's much easier to cancel a wedding than it is to go through a divorce. Your fiance deserves to know that you're having second- third- and fourth-thoughts about this. Talk to him, ask him to go to couples counselling with you to dissect and solve this problem. But don't get married to him yet!
As to your ex, frankly my dear, he sounds like a bit of a dork. He wanted to be free and easy when you were available and resisted your overtures when you wanted him, but now that you're getting married, he loves you? Yeah? It sounds a bit like dog-in-the-manger stuff to me. (In other words, he doesn't really want you himself; he just doesn't want your fiance to marry you.)
A smart and responsible course of action would be to talk to your fiance and tell him that you don't feel ready for marriage right now. Get in touch with a couples' counsellor and find out what you REALLY want, in a safe, neutral environment with a professional. THEN, when you're SURE, get married. Or not.
Good luck.
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female
reader, ShortandSweet? +, writes (24 May 2006):
 "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" as they say. It's natural to look back and think of what might have been between you and your ex.I've done it myself soooo many times and it's so easy to imagine that things were brilliant when in fact they werent.. The fact is - it DIDNT happen when it could have. Think about what you have now - love and trust - and compare it with the insecurity of the past. Strange that your ex has offered to marry you now, now that you have found security!! Good luck!
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female
reader, Jettab1 +, writes (24 May 2006):
Jettab1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to provide a bit more information to my problem. My ex and I dated for 4.5 years. We were 21 when we split up. I initiated because I felt we should try dating other people and see if "we were meant to be". Anyway, after a 6 weeks of not talking, I decided it was the hugest mistake of my life and felt confident in that we should be together. He did not feel the same at that point. I tried desperately for three months to get back together with him at which point he said he didn't love me and still wanted to date other people. So....I moved on, or so I thought,and a few months later started dating my understanding, responsible fiancee. Soon after that, my ex came back around, said he made a mistake, and for three years has been trying to get back together with me. I've tried to let him go and ignoring him, but it does not seem to work.
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reader, Lostandalone +, writes (24 May 2006):
Tough one. First loves are hard to forget. You have to really know and know whole-heartedly that you love your current fiance and want to be with him, because your feelings won't just go away once you have said your vows. Still there is very crucial information that you're leaving out. Like why did you all break up? Who broke up with who. I'm a firm believer that love is love and when you love someone there it doesn't go away whether it be 3 years or 100. People will tell you to move on and find somebody else or in your case get married. That's easy for them to say because they don't feel like you feel. I would never tell anyone that. All I will tell you (and it might sound like a cliche) trust your heart. You know what you feel and no one else can define your love, only you. You feel like you do for a reason. Whatever happens be honest with your current fiance because it might hurt now but it will hurt more to wait 10 years and 2.5 kids later. Good Luck.
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