A
female
age
41-50,
*onya_n_ark
writes:HELP!!! I just found an email on my husband's account from his siter-in-law. It was refering to them having sex and loving each other. I asked my husband about it, and he told me everything. This affair went on before I was in the picture. We have only been married for a month! I'm having a hard time trusting him because of this. Not because he betrayed me, he didn't. How am I supposed to believe that the attraction" is over? How am I supposed to trust him if he is capable of sleeping with his own brother's wife? He said he was just lonely and it was a mistake. But this mistake wasn't just a one time deal. They slept together a couple times and were emailing each other. I haven't said anything about what happened to his brother.I don't feel it's my place. What should I do? How do I deal with having to see the sister-in-law during holidays and be able to enjoy them? All I can think about is that she had my husband.
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female
reader, Kathh  +, writes (27 November 2008):
 How 'easy' was it for you to 'find' this e mail?
I know I once found a box of photos and letters a partner had kept from exe's in his flat in a rather obvious place. I was not snooping but it was placed in such a position that I would have to blind to avoid it.
Confronted by photo's of beautiful young woman and reading their declarations of love and sexual fevour I became despondant at first. However I felt that he had kept them either because he needed to remind himself that he was once someones entire world OR he wanted me to know he was someones entire world...
I would question how he 'allowed' you to find out, having cheated on a partner I found it incredibly easy to hide it (sadly) it is do-able.
My final point to you, along with a hug is this..
I have been lonely many times in my life but I have picked the person I chose to break that lonely feeling with and picked well, with thousands of others out there why would you mess on your own doorstep?......
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2008): Okay...I have to add to my last comment. Don't we all have skellitons in our closets?? We all have things we are ashamed of in our past...I know I do! And I don't intend to divulge them all to anyone...especially to my guy. I have told him most of my indescretions, however I feel that I need to convince him just how disfunctional I was 20 years ago. I am totally honest in my relationship with him, and would never lie to him. But that still doesn't mean I have to tell him every single detail of every single mistake I've made! So, I guess I'm looking at this from both points of view. My boyfriend and I have agreed that our past mistakes are just that...in the past. If anything we have learned from them and become better people.
Still just my opinion and experience...I'm not really sure why I am defending my answer so strongly
I still agree counselling would be the way to go!!!!
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A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (27 November 2008):
 This could split the family wide apart. If you think he is genuine and it's over then go and see the sister in law in private. Tell her you know all about it, he's your husband, he has confessed, you have no secrets and tell her you are willing not to say anything about it as long as she keeps away from him. By letting her know this she will have to keep her distance for fear of her own husband finding out. She would have left him if it was serious seeing as your husband at the time was on his own. It's always a major issue because if it gets out there would be a knock on effect with the whole family. hope this helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2008): My appologies for taking it lightly...Fades' answer was right on except for the part about incest...they are not related in any other way but marriage...incest is between blood relations! However, I do agree with everything else she said. I do still stand by my opinion that you should not tear this family apart by disclosing the whole ordeal.
Couples counselling is the best way to begin repairing this! My point was don't give up on your marriage so soon.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2008): I'm really sorry for you on this - that is terrible deception and the fact is unless you had found the email you would STILL be none the wiser. Your husband has lied by omission because in marrying him without this information you are now forced to deal with it. You need to ask yourself (perhaps take a day away if you can to think this all through) whether - very honestly - you would have married him if you had known this before. If the answer is 'no' then I think you need to leave. I personally think someone who is prepared to do that kind of thing to their own brother would cheat on ANYONE and clearly has no moral boundaries. On top of that he did not confess really to you did he - you found out and he had to admit it. If he'd been a decent person he'd have told you from the outset to give you a chance to deal with it or not - and actually that was so important to let you choose. Now of course you are trapped with it. Would this ever have come out? Whats to say it won't happen again? Do you think you will ever trust him again with her or any other woman - really truly deep down? Can you stomach having to keep up this lie from his brother or will it eat away at you at every family / social occasion? - and can ultimately you still respect your husband after all of this? I think you should decide on these things yourself without intrusion but be strong because either way you have a bumpy ride ahead. I think some time away from it all just for you is important. It would be harder to leave later than it is to leave now and lets be perfectly clear - this is totally of your husbands making not yours so you can walk away with your own head held high if that is what you choose to do. One last point. Whether or not you think it now... the truth nearly always comes out in the end and it would not take much (not necessarily from you either) and I cannot imagine what his brother will feel like - you need to consider how much the family dynamics will change after that which might happen and whether that in itself is the kind of family you wish to be a part of. When you marry someone, you marry into a family.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2008): Give It Some time...You've only been married a month! And that happened before you were in the picture. We've all made mistakes out of loneliness!
He's your husband now. Trust him until he gives you reason not to! And that day may never come. Don't give up on your relationship due to something that happened in the past.
I think you must give your sister-in-law the benefit of the doubt also. And above all, don't rip this family apart by going to the brother.
Try to let it go. Keep this between you and your husband and show him the respect a bride should have for her man!
Just my opinion...I hope it helps!
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