A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:By accident I found out my husband was having an affair. We are trying to work out our marriage because I won't let him go. I'm making it hard for him to go. We have 4 little children under 9. He's been honest with me about his feelings for her. At this moment, he can't help it. It has been only 1 mo. since he stopped the affair but he said it is hard. I see that he is trying. I have faith that his feelings for her WILL fade away. We've been together for 20 years. He said I gave signs that I didn't love him but he knows what he did was wrong. I told him I won't give up on our marriage and that I have FAITH. He doesn't doubt my love for him now but at this moment has feelings for her. We make love but I initiate them. Only once did he initiate it. I hold his hand and he doesn't let go. I say I love you and he says it back. I ask for a hug and he gives it to me. What makes it hard is that she is trying to fight for him. She doesn't care that he is married. She was never married..just failed relationships. She is a single mother. I have so much hatred for her. She doesn't know the committment of marriage. Advice needed.
View related questions:
affair, I love you Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, lostandalone2  +, writes (26 November 2009):
 i am very sorry for your pain.i truely feel it...
i have been married for going on 6 years and been with my husband for nearly eight years.
i used to live in scotland happy and in love...my husband lost his job and we where evicted and moved back down to the north east to be near family two months ago he ws offered a job in scotland and took it to get our family out of trouble.....i have three children 7,6 and 2..i have been looking after them by myself without any help...he was coming home every two weeks and it seemed hard but we pushed through...
stupidly this weekend past he was home we had sex and not even an hour later i came across a number accidently whilst phoning my mum.......phoned this number and a woman answered.
long story short.he has been sleeping with her for a month now and has been coming home and having sex with me...not the worst is that he was having unprotected sex with this 27 year old and then sleeping with me...
humiliated am i as i sat in my doctors this tuesday gone by and explain how i need tests for stds....his awnswer to why he cheated was...she was there and i toook it....son of a bitch..
no remorse i ma left reeling and looking after three kids whilst he is still there....poor girl was told by him we were going through a divorce and we were never getting back together.now i find myself 28 years old and my life in tatters.....i need to speak to someone and make me stop loving a person who could do that to me....why??how could he?has is happened before???what do i do?????
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007): I feel for you. I know exactly what you are going through. This is the 2nd time I have caught my husband talking to the same woman they work together so he gets the pleasure of seeing her everyday. This last time I did move out for 3 months and I went and paid to get our divorce started and then he called me one day wanting to talk and I came back home. But I live in fear everyday that it's just going to happen again. I don't have much to say about her but she is a homewrecker she is twice my husbands age(older) and I know she has been married at least twice. There is not a day that passes that I don't check our cell phone bill online to see who he has called or who has called him. I wanted him back so bad when I was gone but living like this is twice as miserable as being gone. I am so confused now. Do I go or do I stay. I ask him all the time if he is happy he tells me yes but he told me that last time to. I just don't want him staying with me for the kids. I just take it day by day hoping things will get better. Hang in there I am. If it is not the right place for us the lord will put us where we are suppose to be.
Confused
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2007): Hi there,
I can totally relate to you. I am in the same situation. It has been 3 months for me. My husband and I have been married for 16 years and he had been having an affair with one of my friends for nine months. I found out by accident and like you wanted our marriage to work no matter what. At first he said the same thing he had very strong feelings for her and if he stayed with me he might miss out on a chance with her. He also said he didn't love me anymore. I was so determined that the old decent husband that I once had was buried somewhere and that he did have love for me, but just buried. I knew I had to show him how much I loved him and that he would be happier with me and the kids. I have re-invented myself, became extra nice and supportive to him, found my sexy self. (bought lingerie/waxing ect) Lets face it men love this sort of stuff. I intiated sex as well, twice a day!!!! I also made a new rule for us - pyjama's (skin on skin for sleeping). I was so focused on getting him back. You can not waste time in re-inventing your sexual relationship, do whatever it takes. Men need this in a relationship. After about 6 weeks, he told me he was leaning more towards staying with me as he could see that I had changed into a great person to be around and he wanted to love me again. After 8 weeks he told me that he truly loved me and was so sorry for what he had done and that I was the only one for him and he wanted to do whatever it took to make it up to me and move forward. It has now been three months,he is truly trying to make it up to me. Now that reality has set in I am on an emotional rollercoast, from wanting him more than anything I am now suffering big time from feelings of resentment, betrayal, dishonesty and pure hatred for her. I am going to a counsellor to help me overcome my emotions. I think for me this is a delayed reaction because I was focusing all my energies on getting him back. But, also by saying this, my family means everything to me and I am sure I can get over my feelings with time and counselling and this can definetely be a second chance for us, it will take time though. It needs one of you to change your old habits and to spice up your marriage and inturn the other person usually can't help but to change. We also have been doing Dr Phil's relationship rescue book. I totally recommend you doing this and also positive counselling for yourself. I wish you all the best and I know you will be okay.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2007): sounds like you are being harsh on the other lady to me. Why don't you get out of the way and let her have him? At least she's willing to fight for him!
...............................
A
female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (11 September 2007):
 Hi,
Your right!! she doesnt know the commitment of marriage, but I am afraid that neither does your husband.
He has fallen into the trap of having two women, and both not wanting to let go.
A lot will depend on how you react to him now, if you want to save this marriage. And you are not going the right way about it.
Basically you have forgiven him, for doing the worst thing he could have done. No punishment from you , and you are still giving yourself on a plate to him, why?. He is there out of guilt, probably for your children and the fact it has hurt you.
If you want him to love you again, you will need to be a lot tougher than you have been. I agree with Auntyluurve, you need some space.
If you threw him out, where do you think he would go. Straight to her that's where, not because she is better than you, but becuase it would be easy.
But if you leave and tell him you need some space, he still has the kids to look after, and he will be worried what you are up to. Which could make him think twice about loosing you. Have him back on your terms, not just because he is ridden with guilt.
And dont go and fight with her its pointless, all you will do is make yourself look bad. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT.
Be strong and take care.
XXX Tellulah
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007): Hello... I feel for you. I just found out yesterday that my husband had an affair which ended 2 days ago. I am absolutely devastated! We have been together for 15 years and we have a daughter who is 3. He says he loves me and he is desperate for me not to leave him. I love him so much but also know that I will have real trouble trusting him again. I knew he was unhappy, but I guess I put it down to his job and the stresses and strains of having a 3 year old. I too have been unhappy, but trusted in our relationship that things would get better. He is doing everything he can to tell me he loves me. I have cried for 2 days and do not want to leave him. But how do I trust him again? How are you coping with the trust issue?
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (8 September 2007):
 It's about you in working out your relationship. The other women is his issue. If he wants you, he has to let the other one go, and may have to be extremely firm in telling her what he wants. There can't be any doubt about his sincerity at all.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2007): Thank you everyone for your advice. I will keep you posted on what happens.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2007): I can understand you wanting to make your marriage work, however, I guess what raises red flags to me is that he still has feelings for her and is not "really" working it out with you. I understand you have little one's, but you should not feel as if you could not make it on your own if he did or does want to leave or you ask him to leave. Most women, in my opinion feel as if they cannot make it on their own, and truthfully, because of the situation, they sweep alot under the mat and just bury what they are really feeling. There are other fish in the sea. I would not want to live with someone 20 yrs marriage or not, if he still needs to "think" about what he wants...he either knows or he doesn't. My goodness 20 yrs and he has to think? Because of those who do cheat, this is why marriage's due tend to fail, it's not that they can't be worked out, but for those that can, it's because they really want to work it out and seriously commit to not seeing the other person or calls or emails or anything else. If he was with her some lengthy time, seems like he wanted to live a double life or he lost total respect for you in my opinion. You know what is best for you, but please do not think you are not worth better and so much more. People do change...but sometimes it's not necessarily for the better as we all may want to believe.
...............................
A
female
reader, bemused  +, writes (3 September 2007):
 This is the enternal triangle and you are living it. Your husband may be feeling unhappy and dissatisfied and it may just be his take on life right now but sadly that affects you and your children. Have you met this other women? If your husband has described her in the terms you use it will probably will run its course. The other posters mention renewed attention to your marriage but it sounds as if you are making a lot of effort as is. Perhaps he needs to see you less as a sure thing and more as a person with your dignity as well. The bottom line is that this guy has two women fighting for his attention. My take is that the situation will continue as it is unless you alter your stance a bit...perhaps surprise him. You have been together twenty years and he knows your ways and how you react to things. Asking him to leave or leaving yourself will bring about a change. If you have family in your town take your children and back off for a bit. If he is alone in your family home without the people who are his world he will miss you and you will show him that you can make it without him if you have to. Hope this helps hun
...............................
A
female
reader, galaxy +, writes (3 September 2007):
This is your husband, hold on tight!the love is obviously still there,your man is holding back with initating affections he's still confused.Ask him again what attractions,qualities, did she have that isn't present in your relationship? try working towards fixing little issues ie,spending time together,just you two,I know thats easier said than done with 4 little people to attend to,ask for his help to get them settled at night,in order for you both to lay on setee,for a kiss and cuddle,watching a dvd or just talking to each other without little voices adding to the conversation.Maybe ask family or a close friend,get a baby sitter to help by taking the kids for a bit so you can go out for a meal,or walk in the park at sunset,picnic,cinema ect.We all know men can be the biggest kid of all when their not centre of attension,or they feel left out,useless,un needed.Involve him in more,{ask for help,they can't refuse a damesil in distress}Go back to the begining of your relationship before the kids,what did you do together,where did you go,bring the sparkle back.
As for the other woman,keep your mans focus at whats infront of him,keep his mind occupied and his hands busy she'll fade even quicker leaving you both to get on with your lives.She'll move on to another poor unsuspecting victim as soon as she realises she's lost.
Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, auntyluuurve +, writes (3 September 2007):
 that is difficult. in my opinion, your husband has gotten bored of your marriage or felt trapped or whatever, and in turn has looked for something to make him feel good again. whatever happens, he has spent 20 years with you. how long was he with this woman? if you think about it properly, it takes at least 5 or 6 years to know you want to be with someone properly and most couples break up long before that because they realise they arent right for each other! so you have that much over this woman.
if your husband does decide to go for it, my bet is he will be back. he may give it a go with her, but realise after a while he misses the children that he loves and the woman who has been there for him through so much and so many years.
in the meantime however, if you are forbidding him or if he is forbidding himself from seeing her, it may be making his desire to leave you and see her bigger. you may end up seeming more and more like the worst option. i think that what you should do, impossible as this may sound to do, is tell him you need him to move out temporarily while he gets his head sorted. if he says it is sorted, tell him you need some time to get yours sorted. maybe make him feel a little scared that you might actually leave him! (just a tiny hint at that though)
he may want to see her. he may want to see you. i dont know. but i am sure if you try and force him to nip this in the bud with the woman and force yourself onto him, its not going to help matters, thats just not how it works.
if he leaves you, trust me he will come running back even if it is after a few months. and if he doesnt come back, is this man really worth you hurting over?
if you are just doing it for the kids and u dont really want him anymore, then actually think reasonably that forcing a marriage will help the kids less than letting him see them on a regular basis under happier circumstances.
i know its a terrible situation you are in and i have been cheated on myself and i was in so much pain. but what happened with me when i forced myself onto my boyfriend because i couldnt bear the thought of him leaving me was we ended up even worse than we were before. and we broke up.
so i hope you can take my advice and i hope it works.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2007): its always been my motto if you truly love someone you will fight for what you believe in and yours is marriage,you love your husband fight to save it and for your kids,best of luck to you
...............................
|
