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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: My father died last year. It was a tough time for me and still is. We were very close. I found out recently that my husband of 6 years was having a "fling" with an old friend while I was mourning my dad's loss. It wasn't a full blown affair. It was sexual and he used it to escape from not knowing how to deal with my grief. He had "meaningless" sex a handful of times with her during a 6 month period that I was at my worst. He told me he was giving me space. Well that gives a whole new meaning to giving a person space. I didn't need space, I needed my husband more than ever. But he chose the flight response. And abandoned me. I still had sex with him and never stopped even though I was grieving to make sure he still felt loved by me and not feel like he was pushed away. But it's him who pushed me away. Could I forgive something like this? I'm still trying to understand why. And how your spouse could do this to you during your darkest hour. I'm trying to decide whether he was human and made a mistake or just a selfish asshole. How do I get past this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2019): OP here. Thanks for all the answers and your kindness and compassion. :)
My husband left town on a business trip the day after my dad's funeral. He was gone for 3 weeks. I had hoped he wouldn't have gone but he did. I guess I felt abandoned/resentful and he felt guilty.The trip didn't help matters. Badly timed.I'm wondering if it played a role?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2019): Do you want to forgive him? Are there other signs that he's a selfish, inconsiderate person?
Grief puts a lot of strain on people and the people around them so I would say if you had a wonderful marraige up until now and you want to work it out, you can. Maybe try counselling. However I would hazard a guess that while this may be his first time cheating, it is not his first time being a total jerk. Are there other things that come to mind, ways that he has let you down seriously, or betrayed you? If this is the culmination in a pattern of behaviour then hard as it might be, pack your bag I think.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2019): I am so sorry.When you needed him the most he was off with his mistress.He let you down.He has shown you when the going gets tough he will just get a mistress.Is this the life you want?Are you ready for the next time?Believe what he has shown you for that is who he is.What gets me is that he is trying to turn his mistake around into you.That is why you are questioning of your dad's death made him get a mistress.Do not believe that for one second.This is all on him.All of it.Now you know when you need him the most he will never be there for you.I am sad this happened and I just do not know the right words to help you.It is so sad.I am sorry about your dad and your husband.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (13 June 2019):
 "he used it to escape from not knowing how to deal with my grief."
Then fucking ask you, not bloody well betray you! A remorseful husband would man up and take ownership of being the scum that he is Sounds to me like he's not at all if using your fathers passing as his justifiable reason. My heart breaks for you. I cant see most women getting past this at all. Its just too much to bare as anyone would understand. Fuck forgiveness, he doesn't deserve it or you. One thing you can bet on is time to heal and to do that you need him out of your way.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (13 June 2019):
 Oh, I’m truly sorry to have to add this, but you need to get tested for diseases that he may have got from her and given to you.
I’m so sorry for your loss and I wouldn’t advise you stay with him, but do think you need counselling to help you deal with all of this.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (13 June 2019):
 Why are you even TRYING to move past this?
Your husband not only betrayed your marriage vows but he did it when you were at your weakest point. He is absolute scum.
Find someone who respects you.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (13 June 2019):
 First of all I am sorry for your loss, OP. I was very close to my father and his unexpected death hit me very hard. Its been 5 years now and I still miss him every day. Almost everyone will be devastated when their parent passes on. Its a tremendous loss and not one that you get over easily. Its very disheartening that your husband didn't seem to comprehend how much you were hurting and needed his support.
TBH his behavior and comments were very selfish and it shows a true lack of support and compassion. Sorry OP, but he's a jerk. It wasn't just a one night thing but it went on for months??? Are you kidding me? All he was doing was thinking of himself. So he didn't know what to say or do..he should have ASKED you! Its not that hard to say "Can I do anything? say anything? get you anything?" Many times when we are hurting..its not the words or even the actions of someone else its just knowing that they care and they are there for you if you need them.
Its really infuriating that at one of the saddest times in your life you couldn't depend on your husband to be there and to understand that you needed him. Thats just pure selfishness on his part and his lame excuses are just plain BS.
We can advise you what to do but you have to do what you feel is right for you. Search your heart. Will you ever be able to trust him again? Do you even want to try? Can you imagine the rest of your life with him?
I would not want a man like that as my husband. I'd forgive as others have said because it will help you heal. I'd NEVER forget though. I would never be able to trust him again and I'd make arrangements to end the marriage. Marriage means 2 people growing and changing together and to be there for each other..in good times and bad. Its knowing someone has your back. He didn't have your back OP.
Again, I'm sorry sweetie..what a terrible thing to have to go through when your husband should have been the one person you could go to. Time does heal OP, I promise. It doesn't happen overnight but slowly the loss of your father will not hurt so much and you can remember the happy times and the good times. When I think of my father I always think of how funny he was and it always makes me laugh.
I wish you peace sweetie..I hope you will find it. Give yourself time to heal and move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2019): Poor excuse in my books, there is one thing if you was not still thinking about his needs and if he made even just one mistake but it carried on for months, he will say a handful of times, he isn't going to admit the truth which is it was a full on fling, it involved sex so it was no more no less!!
I think you will forgive him and will stay with him, personally i wouldn't and i hope i am wrong because in my books his infidelity is unforgivable within the confines of your marriage.
I am sorry about your dad passing away, do not blame yourself for this, this was his and hers choice to act this way, i honestly think it is disgusting
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (12 June 2019):
“Forgive, don’t forget”. Basically, he CHOSE to cheat on you. He knew what he was doing. Forgive him, but don’t stay because there’s no excuse. That’s what I’d advise, anyway. You deserve better and CAN find better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2019): "I'm trying to decide whether he was human and made a mistake or just a selfish asshole."
The answer to this question is that he is both! How does your grief, anguish, and loss translate into his infidelity? Why did he take vows as your lawfully-wedded spouse to standby you through sickness, health, wealth, or poverty? When that test of your marriage arrived, he miserably failed.
I offer you my deepest condolences on the loss of your father. I sympathize with your suffering from the pain inflicted by the renewal of your grief; by way of the discovery of the unfaithfulness of your mate. That news could only pour salt on your open-wounds!
I personally fail to understand how infidelity can be reduced to something as simple as "not meaning anything?" Betrayal of your trust and adultery against your marriage means something!!! Big-time! There is no justifiable reason to cheat on your spouse. You leave them if the marriage isn't working. When no treatment or reparation can be found. Once all efforts to reconcile have been exhausted and all attempts have failed; you have no alternative, but to remove yourself from it. Then pursue whatever it is you needed that your marriage couldn't provide.
People in grief don't need spousal-infidelity and betrayal as a provision in an attempt to give them space! What about support and comfort? Isn't that more appropriate?
You were hit with a double-whammy, and I might suggest you seek bereavement-counseling. Both from a professional source, and through your faith; if you do have a spiritual-source of worship in your life.
You need to concentrate on regaining your sense of self. You need comforting, and to get your head right; before you can make any deep decisions. Before you're in a healthier psychological state-of-mind that is ready and capable of dealing with matters concerning your marriage. Mainly because you've been knocked completely off-track; so you don't want to make rash decisions. It's hard to reason and take-on any more stress when you're still reeling from your last knockout.
No matter what you decide about the fate of your marriage; you'll have to reach a place of forgiveness. Necessary in order to move-on, and restart in a new direction.
You don't want to offer him uncertain forgiveness, which is only superficial; but has no true roots or foundation to stand on. That's the kind of forgiveness we give with the intent to punish; and to keep the transgressor in a perpetual state of trying to regain trust and redemption, that they will never really receive. If you can't really forgive, it is best to end the marriage. The tension, distrust, suspicion, and the stress will break it anyway.
You're confused and numb right-now; but then comes the scorn and desire for vengeance. You'll go through phases. You're human too!
It takes time to forgive, and you have to know if you really can do it. It's useless pretending you're moving forward; when you're actually stuck in the same place you always were. It has to be a concerted-effort between you both. He has to work at it as much as you are. Even more-so at times. It has to be balanced and sincere from both sides. Trust is a valuable thing. It should be honored and treasured. Cherished, because it takes so much to earn it. It can be lost so easily!
Now you are at a crossroads. The question is, should you forgive or not forgive? I guess that depends on what he is willing to do to regain your trust, and to redeem himself in order to save your marriage. How far is he willing to go to prove that it was a mistake and attributed to weakness; that he will commit the rest of his life proving that he loves you and honors your trust and devotion to him. That he respects the sanctity of your marriage. This is no trivial issue. It's not just a mistake. It's adultery. Call it what it is!
I know how grief and loss after the death of loved-ones strips you of your strength. It robs you of all sense of direction, throws you off-balance, and you can sink into the depths of despair. You're not yourself, and you're struggling to make sense of what happened. You struggle to overcome the loss that whips you with chains and beats you to the ground. Your support comes from your mate and your support-systems. Their emotional-support enhances your healing. Your mate, friends, and family catch you when you're falling. Until you're able to stand-up on your own strength.
If your grief has been prolonged, then you must seek counseling. Perhaps at this point, your marriage could use it as well. You need a mediator and a moderator in the middle; because you've been hit with a ton of bricks. You need to be able to express your deepest pain uninterrupted; so you can get past it.
He has to be willing to listen, not be so quick to make excuses for himself. There is no excuse. None whatsoever! In order to restart your healing-process; you will need third-party counseling, because you are all emotion at this point. You're not strong enough to deal with this alone; when all he will do is defend himself and avoid his guilt. That would only hurt you all the more.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (12 June 2019):
 He is weak. He is selfish. He won't even take responsibility for his actions.
And who exactly decided it wasn't a "full blown affair"? Just what defines a "full blown affair"? He was taking energy away from your relationship when you needed his support the most. He was CHEATING on you, regardless of how he tries to mask it.
Despite your grief, you still made sure HE felt loved while, all the time, HE was screwing someone else.
YOU DESERVE BETTER.
Take a clean piece of paper. Looks lovely, doesn't it? No marks, no creases. Now screw it up. Hard. Then straighten it all out again and say "sorry" to it. Is it back to being like it was? Of course not. Your actions have left deep marks on it. That is what happens to relationships when someone CHOOSES to cheat (because, make no mistake, this was a conscious choice). He didn't go out and bet blind drunk and end up in bed with a random female. He planned and lied and CHEATED. He CHOSE to do these things while YOU were not only grieving your loss but also trying your best to keep HIM happy.
Can you trust him again? What happens next time you need his support? Will he use that as an excuse to cheat as well?
"Selfish asshole" doesn't even begin to cover it in my book. He made HIS choice, now you need to make yours. Don't do anything in haste, because then you may regret it later. Think things through slowly and carefully, painful though it will be. Then make the choice which is best for YOU.
In your shoes, I would sort out what I needed to and then remove myself from this man. Considering how YOU put yourself out to make sure HE felt loved, you deserve someone who treats you much better. I would walk away while you are feeling strong and have no other painful things going on in your life otherwise, next time you have more pain to overcome, he will let you down again and that will NOT be the right time to leave.
Sending hugs. Shit happens to nice people. I am so sorry.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 June 2019):
 If it had been a one time "knocking boots" I "might" forgive it and work through it by a 6 moths fling? And with a FRIEND?
No, I can forgive it, but I would NOT want to stay with him.
Not knowing how to deal with YOUR grief is NO excuse for cheating. EVER. If he really didn't know what to do, he would have asked you WHAT can I do? WHAT do you need? Not run off and screw a friend for 6 months. I call bullshite on his excuse.
That is what my husband did when I lost my Mom. He asked me - what he could do, what I needed, even though he was facing another deployment and a LOT of stress at work. And I would say this my husband is NOT really a emotionally smart guy, but he knew how much my Mom meant to me.
Code Warrior is right with the forgiveness part. Work on forgiving him by ACCEPTING that HE made this choice and that YOU didn't CAUSE this. And then you decide if you really want to stay married to a guy who "fobs" you off when you need his support the most.
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