A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: First of all, I would like to thank everybody that takes the time to answer my question. I would just like to know what people consider cheating in a marriage, or if anyone has been in the same situation. I am 24yrs old, married for three years now.I love my husband(30yrs) more than anything, and trusted him, until yesterday. I found out that he is talking to another girl online. To make it short,these are some of the things that were said in one conversation that I found.He told her that she is beautiful, and he likes her,she is his type, that he wishes she was with him that night when they spoke, and that he would do all these crazy things to her. He wants to kiss her, shower with her, and if he wasnt happily married, he would marry her. These are just some of the things that were said(2hr long conversation) and at the end of the conversation my husband told her that he is going to delete her from facebook because he doesnt want me to find out, and that they will talk in some other way.Now I dont even know what to think anymore because I trusted him so much and I really thought we were open aboout everything. I cried the whole time while reading their conversation, and thinking what else is there that I dont know. I called my husband at work the same day and told him that I read that conversation, he told me that, he doesnt really know her, that he was just killing some time, joking around,that he is never going to talk to her again, and that he loves me and blah blah blah.I told him that I need a few days and do not call me.I hung up on him. I am staying at my moms now, he calls, but I really do not want talk to him, it is discusting when I think about it, maybe for some people it might not be a big deal, like the didnt do anything, but when you love someone more than anything in this world, it hurts so much. The worst part is that I dont know if I can trust him. We were planing to start a family, and now it just brakes my heart, thinking that this might not work. I really dont know what to do, our marriage was wonderfull until now, why would he do such a stupid thing. I guess, I just need to talk to somebody, my mom is not the best person right now, my family loves him, and she told me that it was probably a stupid mistake and I should just forgive him. Again, I dont know what to do, should I just try to forget about it, and move on. I dont think he would forgive me though if I did the same thing to him.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, andrea_c +, writes (22 September 2011):
 I'm no expert but no decent woman (like you) deserves anything less than honesty, sincerity, happiness, love, and respect from the man that she said "I do" to.
Do not sell yourself short, do not believe that what you found was "just killing time", and find someone that will give you what you need... if it takes a month, a year, or a decade.
Get through this hard time and believe that it will pay off in the end. Stay true to yourself, your beliefs, and your INSTINCTS.
Everything happens for a reason, someone has a plan for you and your strength and resilience will pay off in a way that will ultimately benefit you. Best of luck,
Andrea
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2011): I think that is cheating. I would feel exactly like you feel. That is so humiliating. You deserve better.
I commend you for being so strong and walking away even if just to give yourself time to think. It is not like you have kids with him and you are still very young. It is a good time to cut your losses.
If you forgive him he might just do it again. He showed no respect for you and his commitment to you. If he wants to do all those things to that girl, show him the door.
Stop questioning it. You deserve sooo much better...Sure men do stupid things like nail their finger when they're hammering or break stuff or get lost and not ask for directions. This wasn't a "stupid" thing. This was a complete betrayal...just saying.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2011): I am the original poster, I just wanted to thank everyone that took the time to answer my question, it does help to know that I am not just going crazy overeacting, but what he did was wrong.He calls on the phone like every hour, but I do not even want to hear his voice right now. I did talk to him online though. He is sorry for what he did and everything, even though he doesnt consider that cheating. It ment nothing for him, that he is happy with me. I know that someone mentioned that there might be something wrong in our relationship.I dont think there was anything until now, and I even asked him. He said that I am perfect for him, and that he cant imagine his life with someone else, but these words dont really make a difference how I feel right now. He wants to see me and talk, but I dont, not now.I also told him that I am going to show the whole conversation to his family, because they are going to find out that I am not with him right now. So I am going to show them the reason why, even though he was begging me not too, and that I should just eraise it.I dont even know how I feel about him right now. I do not trust him, and I dont respect him the way I used too.I am probably going to show this to him as well, since he doesn't consider what he did cheating. That I am making a big deal out of it. I think he needs to see this too, what you guys wrote.Again thank you guys for taking your time to read and answer my question, and I apologize for my writing being all over the place. Oh and by the way, today is our 3rd wedding anniversary, it sucks, I am still not going to see him though
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A
male
reader, lukefortender +, writes (21 September 2011):
I think you should figure it out about this relationship,if the trust will never go back, then i don't think is a good idea you go back with him!If he talks that promiscuous way with another girl,imagine what he could do if he'd meet her? Just imagine!
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (21 September 2011):
 I have to say, for once I think a mom might be wrong. This is not a stupid mistake. This is cheating, and cheating does not necessarily have to be physical. He was emotionally intimate with this girl, he said things that are unacceptable for a married man to say and he tried to hide it all from you.And Oh PLEASE...that is the lamest excuse ever,when he says he was joking around. When people have nothing better to say to save their behind, that's what they say. "I was just joking!" It would have been better for him had he honestly owned up to the cheating, rather than trying to cover it up. Take some time off from him now and decide what you want. You got married early and you have your whole life in front of you. Once you feel the time is right, talk to your husband about this and try to see if this is salvageable or not. The crack may never fully vanish, but you may be able to work something out. Dont start a family just yet, he may beg you to, to try and show you his love for you, but dont do it now. Give it some time and see how it goes from here. If you feel, however,that he is not to be trusted, then it may be better to consider a life without him.
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A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (21 September 2011):
 you are very very young to be married in the first place. sounds like ur guy wants it all - the pretty,young wife and the occasional chatting/flirting/who knows what else? online.
Imagine that hes doing this now that U ARE ONLY 24 AND BEAUTIFUL.
imagine what he'll do when you are 40 with 2 kids.
Just saying.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2011): Oh, you poor love - what an awful thing to find out.This guy is no good! I am going to quote another, very wise, poster on this site: 'The litmus test for the morality any relationship you have with someone else should be: 'Would I be happy for my partner to see this?'' Clearly, in this case the answer was no. That means that not only was he doing wrong - but he knew it. The fact that he took this to a more secret level, suggesting clandestine communications, proves that trust has broken down.It will, I think, be very difficult for you to restore trust after this. You can try - and with counselling, and a lot of work on your relationship, you might succeed. But I think you have to consider whether it's worth it? Life just won't be the same again now. And don't you deserve better?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2011): This happened to me recently the guy was married and we talked for 2 hours I didn't know he was married. So its possible she didn't even know just a single lady trying to get a great man. But for your husband it seems maybe you two can do some counseling but its time to consider that this marriage may not work out and he has other intentions with women and possible in the future. The trust is really down.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (21 September 2011):
 It is just as bad as cheating whether it was the physical act or not. I can only imagine how bad it would hurt to read such a conversation. I am so sorry you are going through this right now. I can't believe anyone would be able to downplay this as a stupid mistake, he was intimately talking to a female online and then making plans to hide her identity from you! What to do now, I am not sure. I just want you to know you are not overreacting in the slightest. Myself in this situation would probably stay away for awhile and rethink my relationship altogether because he is no longer the man I thought he was. Give yourself time to think. I think obviously moving on from this point you would need to see a counselor. Trust is shot now. I have been through a similar situation but luckily I wasn't married. It was never the same after it happened even though I tried, I never trusted him again and my self esteem and confidence were gone. If I had invested more time and he was my husband I would have tried counseling before giving up, but I am still not sure it would have done anything. If you need someone to talk to since your mom isn't the best for you right now, you can certainly email me on here.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (21 September 2011):
 I definitely consider that cheating. Pursuing another woman online is no different to pursuing her in real life. Not only was the conversation itself inappropriate, but he planned to have more of them on the sly. And those conversations would have inevitably led to more. To him this was no one time 'stupid mistake'. It was an option he was pursuing.You may eventually forgive him (even if only for your own well being), but that doesn't mean you have to take him back, and you certainly won't be able to forget it. You are not obligated to take your husband back. When you married him you agreed to foresake other men and devite yourself exclusively to him. You did not agree to devote yourself to him while he chased other women.Whatever you decide to do, don't rush into anything. Go at your own pace and do what you think is right for YOU. If you do take him back it should be when YOU are ready, not when he decides he's sorry or when others decide he should be forgiven. Let him stew in his own juices a while. The space will give you time to think without him pressing his agenda.If your family isn't supporting you the way you need them to then it's best not to discuss this with them. Post here or talk to a trusted friend.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2011): “He told her that she is beautiful, and he likes her,she is his type, that he wishes she was with him that night when they spoke, and that he would do all these crazy things to her. He wants to kiss her, shower with her, and if he wasn't happily married, he would marry her.”“he told me that, he doesnt really know her, that he was just killing some time, joking around,that he is never going to talk to her again, and that he loves me” He may not have cheated in reality with her but he clearly intended to if he could and she was willing to.He is a player, this was not a stupid mistake. I'm so sorry that you found out such a painful thing about someone you love, but it is better that you found out now before you had a family with him. It would be much harder to leave and it would involve a lot more pain for you. Best of luck with whatever you decide.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2011): I think it is a form of cheating emotionally, and the intent is there based on what you have described and you were correct in calling him out on it. He is looking for something.. what that is who knows ?
I think you have done the right thing and you and your husband need to have a very serious talk, less about this girl ( who obvs needs to be sent packing ) and more about what is wrong with your relationship because if he felt happy he wouldn't be doing this and thats not to defend him he hasn't manned up and talked about what he isn't happy with. This is an opportunity for you both to communicate.
Good luck to you.
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