A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is there anyway to save this marriage?I have been with my husband for over 4 years. I noticed a real change in his romantic and physical expressions of love after just one year. We used to have a great sex life, kisses and hugs "hello" and "goodbye", and holding eachother at night as we fell asleep. I know that passion fades, and I stopped expecting or even hoping that he would "come back around" as it's been a year since we've even kissed and the last time we had sex was two years ago. When I asked him about it, his answer was first, "It will get better," to "This is what marriage is like, ask anybody" and finally, "That's just the way I am." I'm convinced that he will never kiss me again or even stroke my back or touch my shoulder in passing. I had tried touching him (not in a groping manner), and he would push me away angrily or even slap my hands away saying that he's "busy", even while watching T.V. I don't think that this is an issue of attraction, even while wearing my wedding ring, I've had plenty of guys approach me, ask for my number, etc.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2010): god i didnt expect so many answers like mine!!!!what is it about men? They chase you and want you and then when they have you they dont!!! and if they do it is only on their terms. I was 39 when i married my husband. I was never maternal but he went on and on about a family and wanted 3 or 4. I thought being on the pill since i was 15 that i would be safe for a while so came off it 3 weeks before the wedding. Result a honey moon baby!!! 9 months of the usual fat hormonal issues but he ploughed on as if nothing had changed or nothing was happening, no allowance or care towards the fact that i had married him, moved to his house in a different area, left family and friends over an hours drive away, and caused rows if i went visiting. I worked till the last minute but was ill with meningitis during the last 6 weeks and then had a lovely baby girl. His initial reaction was disappointment that it wasnt a boy ( although he denies this his words and face are implanted on my brain!!!!!)He took 3 weeks off paternity but i never saw him until his supper time. He had the high flying job and couldnt afford to lose sleep so i moved into the spare room with my daughter until she was ready to sleep on her own in her room. (even though he had 3 weeks off he needed it to rejuvenate and rest!!!!!!!( My daughter is now nearly 11 months old. He is more interactive with her but only because she holds her arms out to him and is actually saying dada. Even so he has said quote" i have a high paying job - i need to chill - if i want to spend time on my days off with you i will but if i dont then i wont end of!_ Consequently sex life is also a no no. We had sex 2 times in the last 6 months of which i initiated, it was wham bam thank you mam im satisfied good night. No thought about me! And when i said something it was " Ohhhhh Nooooo im tired!!!!" He did tell me that he didnt fancy me since the whole baby thing and that my breath was bad, so it turned him off. Even though no - one else seems to think so and believe me it has left meparanoid to the extreme!!!!!But then he wwent to prague with his mates (he is 42) and after 5 days on his return he was waiting for me on the bed wanting a blow job and he promised to satisfy me in return. I obviously went for it even though part of me wanted to turn him down. But hey ho he couldnt come in me!!!! made an excuse that he couldnt control it as it was so quick - but he was inside and then pulled out!!!! he didnt need to pull out!!! I am taking contraception so no worries there - but he has been wanting more! - i dont understand it? I really dont think he has anyone else but all these strange signs - is he gay? He prob only wanted a blow job coz he had been in certain bars and got himself bubbled up!!!!Since then i have shown signs of intamacy and we are back to square one. hello and goodbye kisses, no tongues and certainly no touching in bed. I feel cheated. This wasnt what i envisaged being married was about.
A
female
reader, Delep +, writes (21 August 2009):
I don't know if you can save your marriage. My husband and I have been together for 17 years and we had wonderful, hot sex for 13, then things started getting ugly where he didn't want to have sex with me. i thought he was having an affair...after 3 years he finally went to the doctor last year and found out that his testosterone had dropped (he is 41, i'm 40), so he got on it and the mood and fun was back on for a year. Then his doctor and counselor, who helped him deal with his lack of sex drive and how to deal with a wife that wants sex, left town and he stopped w/the testosterone injections and counseling. Since january 2009 he has not wanted any sex. We've only done it twice since then. Everytime i bring it up he comes up with multiple excuses...no matter what i have tried, great clothing, sexy things, i have not gained weight, i care about my appearance and i don't bitch about it...but still, he doesn't want to commit to making things better. Well, i have moved out of the bedroom and i'm seriously considering moving out. I cannot do anything more for him, i am not his mother and i cannot find him a doctor, make an appointment, take him by the hand, etc.
If he wanted this marriage to work, like he says he does, he would do something about it. Why is it up to the woman to try to make things better all the time. I love him dearly but i want to feel wanted, i want sex, i want to feel sexy and he is not fulfilling that part for me.
I don't want to have an affair, it just makes matters worse, but when another man makes you feel good and desires you, it is difficult to deny the strong feeling you have that your husband denies you.
My husband has decided to become celibate for whatever reason because he is not talking, but i'm not, then we have different wants and needs and i need to be happy.
He says he is happy and everything is fine, but he is not listening when i tell him that i'm not happy with the way things are in our relationship. I've gotten angrier and bitter and he now blames my attitude for his lack of desire...of course, it's always the woman's fault...so what happened when i wasn't angry or bitter? He just brings another thing. the bottom line is that he doesn't want to commit.
I cannot think of a marriage without sex, especially when the sex was great for a long, long time. i miss it and i want it back...but he refuses to oblige.
If i had no sex for a year, i would be a goner. it is not fair for a woman to pay because of issues a man doesn't want to deal with.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): I've been with my wife for almost 4 years and we never have sex, because I don't want to. I don't find her physically attractive at all as she has gained alot of weight, but mostly because of her constant bitchy attitude. My entire soul has been sucked from me, but I refuse to get a divorce because I enjoy seeing my daughter every day. I do miss fishing, hunting and golf greatly, but I'm willing to sacrifice all of that to be with my daughter everyday of the week. I have no life, my friends don't call me anymore. I'm trying to savor every moment with my daughter as it is only inevitable that she will leave and try to take my daughter with her. Hopefully god will kill one of us before it comes to that. My guess is, you've sucked his soul from him and he is like me, too much of a pussy to say he wants it back.
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female
reader, oscarollie  +, writes (18 May 2008):
My advise having been in a sexless marriage over 20 yearsis to get out now. If you can go, and have no childcare issues waste no time go. It will not get better, there is nothing wrong with you at all you will find that out over time.Don't kid yourself he loves you, anybody who puts you through thaat emmotional stress does not love you at all. Your wieght is a symptom of the emmotional abuse you are going through. many people will suggest councelling and all mannor orwell meaning platitudes.........just get out.....no future in it just a life of heartache and emmotional battering. anne england
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2008): Same problem - my husband has touched me once in 7 years, I long for human contact. He says sex is not that important to him. I think he drinks too much and has completely dried up and to embarrassed to say he can't. I am very angry, lonely and bitter, he knows all this but does not care. I am stuck in this marriage until my 8 year old graduates. We seperated for over a year and my child was miserable - never did get used to him being gone, I just can;t do that to him no matter how terrible I feel about the whole marriage
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2008): Hello everyone,I am too going under the same circumstance, my husband who I adore doesn't find me attractive... we have been married 10 months and we have only had sex 6 times. The reason? he says that I am heavy (I only weigh 127 pounds) that I don't how how to wear makeup, that my hair is not nice, that I should die my hair... that I should wear provocative clothes... " see a prostitute and a little girl"... he is constantly lusting after other women and has pictures of one in his computer. Finally he said that it is because he doesn't find me attractive at all... to tell you the truth ladies... I hate him... this is so denigrating and humiliating. Why can't he see what other man that hit on me all the time can? He looks at porn all the time, and I am tired... this whole thing is killing me... I wish I wouldn't have married him.I wish I could have married a man that was honest and ... a better man than him. I have no one to talk and no one to share with and I feel so lonely.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2008): I believe there is only one solution-divorce the guy-he will not change!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2007): I have the same problem, my husband shows no interest in me. We've been married just over 2 years and we have sex maybe once a month. He acts the way your husband does, he also call me fat and ugly, calls me stupid and dumb. He also spends a lot of the time on the internet looking at porn. When we are out in public he is constantly perving at any other girl tht walks past and comments on how he would love to shag them. I'm really getting fed up with this behaviour. It's really offputing and now i don't have a sexual interest in him either. I am an attractive girl and other guys generally find me "hot". I don't know why I went an married such an ungrateful bastard that doesn't appreciate me. Now i feel like my life is ruined.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2007): Wow, I know what you are going through. Try to sit him down and talk to him tell him exactly how you feel. Don't hold back or it will be worse in the long run. Maybe he has alot on his mind, stress can do that to you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2007): I have been married for 6 years and recently (about 3 months) we have stopped having sex. At the beginning I begged for it and I finally got tired of begging and being rejected. I confronted him about it and he said that he was still attracted to me. But that he was tired. I accepted that answer and finally one day we had sex but I could tell that he was forcing himself to be with me. I felt so bad after that I just wanted to take a shower and forget it ever happened. Since then he has not touched me and I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I am seriously contemplating divorce. I don't know what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2007): I am 29 yrs old and been married for 4.5 yrs. I got married under a lot of pressure due to my visa expiry. He did not let me go back to my country so i end up getting married with him eventhough I only knew him 2yrs by then. At the beginning of our relationship we used to have sex maybe every 3-5 months. I thought this was because he was stressed with earning money, his job etc.then we had other excuses added onto that. Anyways I found out that he was seeing someone, argued he promised it will not happen again. I had to go abroad for 4 months due to work when I came back I found out that he had another affair. Again promises etc. it repeated again and again. Everytime, I let it go, forgave him or shall I say, I was not strong enough to leave him. Now it is almost 7 yrs we have been together, I put a lot of weight and lost my confidence. I used to be 65 kg now 90 kg. I hate the way I look. I have an excellent career , 2 master degrees, he has nothing but me. I love him and he says that he does love me too but haven't had sex more than 3 yrs now. I don't know what to do , is this the way things work when you are married. He is 40 this year and I realy want to have a baby but not sure if we will ever be a real couple. I don't know...Again finding it very hard to divorce or even leave him.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007): Speaking as a man who doesn't want sex with his wife I can tell you that married men often get so bored of sex with the same person that this boredom induces low desire which in turn can shut down a man's ability to function sexyally. Unlike women, men cannot have sex unless they are aroused. He probably knows he will have sexual dysfunction so he's rather not even go there.
Mt wife and I have been sexless for 12 years. All I can suggest is don't make the same mistake she did. Ask him what you can do to make yourself more attractive to him. Ask him if there is any sexual fantasies he would like you to try out. My wife refused to make the physical changes I suggested to make her more attractive to me and she was very boring and unadventurous in bed and was not interested in doing the things I wanted to do the fix the sexual boredom.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2007): I have the same problem. Seems as though there are a lot of us out there. My husband and i have been married for 6 years and we have had sex only twice in this time. Things were great for the first year or so before marriage but now it is non existent. He is very loving but just not sexually. He has so many excuses it is hard to remember them all but none of them are very good. I have discussed the issue with him so many times but he doesn't come up with any good answers. He is just not interested in sex. He is 9 years older than me but still under 40. He has had a physical test and blood tests to see if he has low testosterone (that is sometimes the cause of low libido) but he is fine. So, it must be mental. He knows that it is threatening our marriage, especially as I want to have children soon and I have warned him that I would leave. He keeps saying he will have sex with me if I don't pressure him about it but then if I don't pressure him the years go by. I don't know what to do. It is so frustrating. (he just asked what I was doing and I told him about this message and he laughed and said that he will have sex with me soon! lol - always the same thing!)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2007): My husband first blew me away by telling me he didn't love me anymore after being together for 25 years and marrried for 21 of those years. no intimacy only peck kisses goodnight which i would initiate always.Well today we talked out of the blue. he was upset about a comment i made and said maybe we should talk about us.I think i surprised him and said okay lets talk.This is 13 months from our conversation i discribed above which by the way occurred at Panera during a shopping trip for our sons birthday.He says he does not find me attractive, does not love me and does not want to be married.By the way this was very painful to just type out.He finds it to hard to have to go thru all the logistics of moving and dealing with divorce so he said i could deal with it Or we could continue as is and be companions.We sleep in the same bed but never touch.He says there is no one else although a women came over yesterday who had been gone all summer.My husband works out of the home in the music business.he admits he is and has been in a mid life crisis, wants no help to make our marrige work. Our son is a junior in highschool and my husband doesn't want to disrupt life for our son.Meanwhile i work hard' he barely does anything around the house and has no desire to do so.I' m feeling very alone plus we have a college age daughter with an attachment disorder who has provided us with stess and very time consuming times.who he has enabled.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2007): Hi ladies,Let me offer a male perspective.I'm 41 and been married to my wife for 19 years. I love her with all my heart and soul, and would give up my life in an instant if it meant I could save hers.This past year our sex life is non existant. Why?My wife has gained about 75 pounds, and for some reason she can't get past this mentally. Her depression, contantlly obseessing about her weight has made her a mental case.I find her incredibly attractive, to me it wouldnt matter if she weighed 115 pounds or 315 pounds - I don't care.The trouble is that this is something she cant get past mentally, and its killing us sexually. She is so incredibly uptight about it, there's no way she can relax or even get in the mood for sex.I've tried with her, reassured her, said and done all the right things, but shes wound too tight.Even when we do try, she is wound soooo tight, her mood and coldness gets immediatly picked up be me, and I cant function.No I'm not having an affair, I wouldnt dream of it, and I know she isnt either, she is like a clam that wont open up.I've resorted to porn to keep myself from losing my mind and half the time I sleep in the spare room with the dog.The sad part is she equates her body weight to how much I love her, and she has this notion so incredibly screwed up in her head, I cant make her see clearly.Oh well, this is the hand I've been dealt, guess I have to deal with it.Regards
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2007): I myself having the same problem but I suffered from beginning of my marriage ...he is not interested in having sex.He said he is a career minded person and later another excuse he might be having dyfunction problem.I am not sure what to do is it his excuse or just he is giving me excuses to make me sick so that i will leave him.I dont know what to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2007): Going through the same thing as you are. Not sure what to do. If you figure it out I hope you post it. Not much out there for us. The only thing is to be happy with you. If you like a clean house then clean for you. If you like to run, than run for you. Not to make him happy to make yourself happy. What ever you would do if you weren’t married, do that. And fill good about it. Remember that he is still coming home to you. That is all we have right now. Good luck
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reader, Star1975 +, writes (29 May 2007):
I would have to say your marriage is good..but because of his age..he is just not interested in the sex department anymore...maybe buy a toy and ask him to help ya with it. Good Luck to ya!
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female
reader, mel2 +, writes (26 May 2007):
I have the same problem, my husband and i are so distant these days. He is 23years older than me, i am 49 and still am very interested in sex. However he tells me that i have to accept that he no longer is interested in sex himself. So what do i do! sit at home and vegitate? think not and i have told him so. Life is too short, i love my husband dearly, been married for 15yrs now,but the thought of being in a loveless marriage cripples me.My reply to this question is sort things out quickly, talk about sex and more importantly love and what your future holds. But don't loose out yourself, you deserve a life it's his problem, if he chooses to ignore this very important issue.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2007): Do you think he might be having an affair? I acted the same way when I had an affair when I was married. I didn't want to be in the same room with him and I certainly didn't want any physical contact.
If he isn't having an affair, he needs to come clean and tell you way he doesn't want an intimate relationship with you. You may have to force his hand and tell him that you guys need marriage counseling or your out the door.
This issue needs to be resolved in order for you both to be happy.
Good luck
-J
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female
reader, Midge +, writes (25 May 2007):
 I know that over time, the passion can fade, but the sex life should still remain.
I think there is something underlying here. Have you asked him if "everything physically is okay?"
Unfortunately I have come across it in my studies and therapy sessions that it is quite normal and if not relatively common for some men to have problems in the penis department the older they get.
I obviously dont know how old he is, or if he has a stressful job etc, but this could be a problem, which he hides by fending off all your attempts to show him affection. He may feel that its not manly to have this type of problem and that if he fobbs you off all the time, you will stop asking, and then, he has hidden his little secret quite well.
Living in a relationship where one of the parties doesnt want to have a sexual relationship can be hard, but you normally find that there is something underlying as opposed to them not finding you attractive, or loving you.
Perhaps you should broach the subject in a very sensative and loving way. Do a little research on the issue of impotence and see if you can find magazine articles on the issue. When you are perhaps sitting in the lounge, pick up the magazine and pretend to read the article. Mention that you have been reading this article etc, and just try and discuss it with him that way.
You never know, he may mention to you that he "knows how they feel" or something like that. If he does, you will know what the problem is and you can talk to him about it that way!
Just a thought!
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female
reader, jomana  +, writes (25 May 2007):
 i think you should reply back to his answers like when he said that's how marrige is, you should have said no. you should have said that there are a lot of married couples who are still having sex. then you should ask him "how come that's the way you are if you weren't like that from the first place?" i believe that if he wasn't like that then maybe after discussing the issue with him again and again maybe he may realize that he is wrong because according to what you said he did change.i hope that what i said could help yougoodluck
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