A
female
age
51-59,
*iao
writes:My 84 year old mom has lived with my husband and I for the last 22 months - my husband had agreed for her to move in but now he has a change of mind. The only time my husband ever speaks to my mom is when he bids her the time of day. He doesn't want to sit around the dining room table to have a meal with her so I always end up eating with my mom. If my mom and I are going somewhere and I invite my husband, he always turns down the invite. It hurts me to see my husband treat my mom in this way as it only makes her uncomfortable. It's a very 'sour' environment in the apartment. My mom is very quiet and is always trying to make conversation with him but he doesn't entertain her. I have discussed the situation with my husband numerous times and asked him to change - he always says he will start talking to her 'just for my sake', but nothing ever changes. Initially we lived in a one bedroom, one bath apt. and my husband complained that the place was too small for the 3 of us. Now we've been living in a 2 bed/2 bath for the last 9 months and the situation has gotten worse. My mom has no income so she cannot rent a place of her own. If she was able to rent her own place, she would be scared to live alone. My husband thinks that my mom is a burden on me. He thinks that we should be living life alone as a couple. I am totally confused as to how to handle the situation. My mom is totally aware that he doesn't want her there but I try to deny it to her. Pls provide me with some advice. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Yano4ka  +, writes (15 January 2016):
HiWas wondering how you situation unveiled with you mom and husbandI have something along this lineMother is coming to stay in Canada for half a year and my husband completely against her staying with us - so I m renting her a flat in high rise with her own money ( she has savings ).There is a strong history between my husband and my mother - she rejected him from the beginning for his lack of education ( she is extremely snobbish ) and always makes insulting remarks on him and his parents. My mother stayed with us when she visited to Canada first time - 6 years back for 5 weeks and there were severe issues stemming from her attitude so when I sponsored her 2 years back she lived at my place by herself and I went to my husband - we had 2 properties. I paid for everything including food - after 5 months she decided to go back home - she likes it better there but now she returned because she needs to build time to keep her resident status in Canada.So I know that for everyone's sake she needs to live by herself with which she is happy but doesn't like that she will have to pay rentIn summary - to save you own sanity , marriage, peace for kids You ultimately seeking compromise as there is no way to make everyone happy in this equation Life it is
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 April 2012):
 May your mother live a long healthy life.
Is there a reason she can't live in a senior assisted living program? One near you? So that Saturdays you can still devote to mom?
If Saturdays are for mom and Sundays are for hubby when is for YOU????
I realize it's old school to keep our parents with us but that was back when we lived to be 45 and our parents were long gone before we got to the stage you are at now.
I have a disabled child who is 28. He is in a group home because as much as I love him, I need my space. I need my sanity. I am sure your husband is the same way...
He wants his life with his wife...
not sure how long you two are married...are there children?
maybe he figured after you two raised your kids it would be his time and now he has to share you...
Where is your mom's social security check going? (she is in the united states and at 84 is either getting Social Security or SSI or should be)
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2012): This isn't showing your husband up in a good light, she's an elderly woman, has no where to go, or any money of her own. He obviously Is making her feel unwanted and uncomfortable which is shame on him as I put to him, how would he feel as an old man, knowing he was in a house where people did not want to sit and eat with him for no good reason other than, they did not want him there? His true colours have certainly came through here, he is married to you, not your mother, but should still show respect to you by treating her right. I put to you, if he can treat your mother this way, and have this type of cold attitude toward someone as elderly and unable to support themselves as your mother, how could he potentially treat you? It all leaves a lot to think about concerning if that's the type of person he his and is ok treating others like.Seems, he agreed to her living there, but is making sure you know about it. He needs to man up, support you, get some respect for your mother,and stop being so child like "eating separately" others wise, and I say this from true experience, you need to question what type of man your married to and if you really like what you see by his actions not his words to change, but actions, before its too late to make a clean break (kids).Very best of luck, best wishes to your mother and yourself.
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female
reader, Ciao +, writes (24 April 2012):
Ciao is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone for the feedback and support.
@ traeumerin242 - you share basically the same views that I do. I agree w/ you in being honest w/ my mom, but I know her to well - she is way too sensitive and it would realy break her heart and she would worry too much. My mom has her own room and bathroom. She does have a TV in her room. She attends senior citizen sessions three times per week - each session is from 8am to 3pm, so she does get a chance to leave the apartment. Saturdays is basically dedicated to my mom - I do stuff with her, like taking her to the mall, out to eat, etc. Sundays is dedicated to my husband. By the way, my husband eats in our room most of the time.
I would never make the decision of giving up my mom for my husband. Sometimes I come close to making the decision of giving up my husband for my mom.
@ CindyCares - thanks for your input.
@ Bernard - my husband has already made it known that he would not entertain the idea of his mom living with us. I did listen to the song - it's awesome
@ Trinklett - she does attend senior citizen sessions but on the weekdays when we are at work. It's not like she attends on the weekend when we are at home.
@ Thisiscrazy - he used to be very nice to my mom when she wasn't living with us. He used to always tell my mom that we will look out for her. He is very kind to other elderly people who are our friends. He's used to treat his mom very nice too, but now he doesn't speak to her for months.
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female
reader, traeumerin242 +, writes (24 April 2012):
First, stop lying to your mother. She's still your mother, which means she knows everything. Admit to her that your husband isn't fond of her living with you. However, you also need to assure her that you will continue to take care of her. Your husband agreed to your mother living with you, so he needs to live with that decision. Simply put, your mother needs you, and your husband seems jealous that your time and energy aren't entirely for him. Heaven forbid you two had children living with you as well because then your attention would be divided more than just two ways, and he'd have to share you with your children as well.
You should continue to spend time with your mother. However, also see if you can find other activities for her to do so you can spend a bit more time with your husband. Don't just buy her a tv, even a fancy one, because that is just trying to placate her and buy her affection. It is not really taking care of her the way you should be. TV is fine for a couple hours a day, but elderly people need time for genuine socialization.
Your husband is being very immature about the whole situation. It is NOT a necessary component to marriage that a husband and wife should live together but otherwise alone. Many traditional cultures have the extended family model where the parents never experience empty nest syndrome because either their oldest or their youngest child (or son) remains with them even after getting married. Your husband needs to remain civil to your mother, but otherwise stop trying to convince him to get along with her. She has every right to eat in the dining room, and if your husband doesn't want to eat with her yet you do, your husband can take his meals elsewhere or at some other time.
Perhaps you could look at it this way: It may come down to a choice between your mother and your husband. It is not one that you want to make, but that seems to be the choice that your husband is giving you. Think about what you would regret more. Personally, I would regret it far more if I got rid of my mom or started ignoring her so that I could have the relationship with my husband that he wants than I would if I took care of my mother in her old age and lost the marriage because of it. Your mother would support you emotionally if you and your husband divorced. Your husband does not seem to be supporting your decision to take care of your mother.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 April 2012):
 You SHOULD be living your life alone as a couple, - that's a perhaps inevitable yet very trying situation for your husband. I think he is being a decent guy enough accepting that she is going to live with you for maybe many more years , and to make allowances not only for her financial situation,for which probably there is nothing to do, but also for her personal foibles ( she'd be afraid to live alone ). You can expect and demand politeness and manners, but not that he is enthusiastic about the situation and is all chummy and chatty with an old lady that he is got nothing in common with, except you. You want respect for your mom, and that's right, but it's also right that you respect HIM and his space. Don't try and force him to join your outings, don't try and make him play instant family if he does not feel like it. Enlist the help of older neighbours, or ladies from your church, to keep your mom company occasionally, or enroll her in some senior citizen center so that she can socialize . And so that you can have some time to do things and outings with your husband alone, as a couple should.
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female
reader, Trinklett +, writes (23 April 2012):
 Its a pity your husband isn't accommodating your own mother especially at her age. I assume your mother has no one else to stay with hence she's still with you despite the harsh treatment from your husband. Since she can already feel the vibes from your husband, stop denying about it to your mom. Let her still be civil around him and try to keep your mother engaged with things to do, because at her age she may be bored. If she can do volunteer work, if she's strong enough and maybe look for an old people's home where she can visit often. Will be good for her to mingle with her age group. He may resent that she is always at home and feels like he has no privacy in his own house. When your mom gets back let her try to be in her room and give him some alone time around the house. Get her a tv set or radio in her room also. Good luck.
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female
reader, Thisiscrazy  +, writes (23 April 2012):
 Has your husband ever given any reason as to why he will not be around her have they had a altercation that he holds a grudge towards her for?
Has he always been this way towards your mother?
Does he have the same reaction to any other elderly people?
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