A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:History: Married 4 years, 2 children ages 2 and 6 months, own house, I'm a stay at home mom, he has a good job with promising promotion capabilities, we are financially stable but not rich :)Problem: He is a very loyal person who believes that once you pick your poison, that is your choice. So we married with issues (he wasn't sure I was "the one", I was sure about him and this has been a dividing and hurtful factor throughout our relationship)We do have fun together and can talk and enjoy time together but there is always that niggling part that says "I am not what he really wanted"He has become very critical of my core character, things that I see as "positive" attributes, and he has trouble seeing or saying anything positive about me. I am very insecure and KNOW how detrimental this is to our relationship and, while I have improved, I still have a long way to go. I KNOW it is not his job to fix me, but does he really have to constantly put me down when I am being confident? My insecurity is not just in physical attributes, because he will show interest in just about anyone and he's attracted to me, but in his eyes, I am nothing special. We don't really have anything in common outside interest wise, but the efforts I have made to do/like the things he is interested in are met with negativity. It just basically feels like he loves me (because he is loyal) but really doesn't like me. My fear is that eventually, this unhappiness will cause him to leave or have an affair. I don't know how to help him/us. I want to make him happy, and therefore I take interest in things he likes, his work, etc, I try to give him down time, I try not to nag/expect a lot from him at home, etc. OF COURSE, I am faulted, I have insecure times where I don't trust him and it causes fights, I sometimes nag, I sometimes am grumpy, I sometimes am human :)Please offer suggestions/advice to SAVE my marriage. I know he would not agree that our problems are this dire, but a lack of "liking" turns to resentment.
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female
reader, Sad and Lost +, writes (26 September 2009):
Oh my dear. I hear you. My husband treats me the same way. I have been his doormat for years. Recently I did end up falling in love with someone who loves and LIKES me and I did a terrible thing and had a very short affair, which I regret and have ended. But yet, my husband and I are back in the position we were in before.
I think you need to try and work things out with your husband first. Make sure he is clear on your feelings. Then try counseling. GIve it some time to improve. It could happen. But if it doesn't, don't live the rest of your life like this. I pray that you will have more courage than me, and give yourself a better life. You deserve better than that type of partnership. And I think you know it.
And please remember children learn about relationships from their parents. Let them see how a HEALTHY one should be. Don't let yourself get so torn down that you no longer have the strength to do what is best for yourself as I have.
I wish all the best for you. Please let us know how things are going.
A
female
reader, Ich_liebe_dich  +, writes (24 September 2009):
 Oh my, this is really hard situation dear. what about stay as you are, but more pay attention to your kids do your job as a mother to the kids and as a wife to him., Because" you know" no body can read really what is in other person head. maybe your instinct is really right that he dont love you that much as you wanted, for me, i think the only thing maybe i can do, is to be there for my children and for him "yeah" try not to nag" give him space and time to think by him self, dont try to insist etc. just set him free what ever he wanna do and wanna think" just always be with him. sometimes maybe i can try to speak openly to him, but if it didnt work then let it be., no body can tell what future"s bring, either he realise in the end that he do love you really or either in the end you are the one who get tired of pleasing him. No body knows right..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): what I think is you need to start putting yourself and your kids first? I am married to a man who was married when I first met him, he used to talk about his wife not & never being the one, he married her because she was "safe" and a nice person she was just your normal plain jane from next door, he told me she never challenged him mentally, or sexual, she was boring? where as I am far from that, I am completley different, I am a air stewdess & did glamour modelling in younger years, I also have a foundation degree ( 3 boxes ticked travels, sexy & clever!!) when we started our passionate affair I was "the one" I was everyhing the first mrs "G"was not, but of course like everything & everyone, things change, & then 5 years later I find he's Been emailing some girl the same crap he told me!!, what I am trying to say is some men will always want there cake & eat it & even if you were angelina joliee, he would soon get bored!! You need to take charge of your life, go out with girlfriends, have a laugh, get chatted up it's amazing how different a man will be when he thinks other men find you attractive, they have to start upping there game or that face losing you, remember babe they are hunter gathers, it's all a big game to them & about the chase, u just make sure u r always the once running first!! It's all about control, take it back from him & be your own person!! Don't be a doormat!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): I'm sorry but I am not sure you can SAVE your marriage. Love is based upon very basically liking someone for who they are - good and bad points. I know exactly how you feel as a guy I went out with for 4 years said to me early on in our relationship that he thought I had been "ruined" by the previous guy (emotionally) and that maybe next time he would be more choosy. Anyway we stayed together but I never recovered from those words and the overriding feeling that I was not good enough, not quite like-able and it affected my sense of self worth so much that I went round in a kind of sadness, yet trying to please him all the time. In the end I thought well if you don't like me you can get lost. The best advice I can give you is to become more confident about who you are as a person. Your post sounds very much like he calls the shots and you are feeling desperate. The more in touch with yourself you are the better. Write a list of everything you are, what you love doing, seeing, hearing, eating etc etc. Define yourself. Then spend some time thinking about doing a new activity for yourself once a week that brings something new to your own life. I suggest this because it will either show your partner that you are a great individual with confidence or he will feel threatened. He needs to change his thinking but you need to build your own sense of confidence up first. If the negativity continues then you have to ask yourself, how long do you want to live with it and ultimately.... why on earth should you?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (23 September 2009):
Yes, you are human. This guy really shouldn't put you down like this though and you shouldn't take it. This relationship sounds like it needs some counselling. So try to persuade him to come with you. If not, perhaps go by yourself and see if it helps with your confidence. He has been cruel with what he has done and said to you. Don't take it. If he doenst think you're 'the one' and keeps treating you this way, you must consider whether you want to be in this marriage, because it isn't healthy for you at all. But certainly try to save it with counseling first. He may just need a kick in the ass to get him moving again. x
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