A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married to my husband for 11 years. He was previously married before with one child. I have taken care of this child since day 1, his mother is no longer a part of his life. We have since had 2 more children, so now I have a 15, 8 and 10 nmonth old. My problem is that my husband will not stay home! He is always running off to help someone and do things for other people. (He is a firefighter and first responder). I accept that his job is going to take him away some, but aside from his usual shifts, he is gone every night too! He will come in the door at 11 pm after I have taken every one to ball practice, cooked dinner and gotten everyone bathed and in bed. (I also work all day, i am a school teacher). when I try and ask him to spend the day with us, he tells me that I am being selfish and that I should let him better his life by doing other things. He has never taken me out to dinner, just the two of us, he doesnt do my birthday or anniversary, and to top it all off, a couple of years ago, wanted me to hang around while he decided if he wanted to be married or not. While we were in therapy, I confronted him about the fact that he never bought flowers, took me to dinner, etc. He told me that he did not think of me that way. Then he decided that he wanted to stay married. Stupid me took that as a compliment. Later when I told him that I deserved an apology for the things that he said, he told me that he did not owe me one. He never apologized for any of it, or told me thank you for caring for his son. I still have not gotten flowers, last year on our anniversary, he went off with his fire buddies and I was 8 months pregnant. Then our son was born prematurely and spent some time in the NICU and I had a hard time with it. He told me to get over it, no flowers, no its a boy balloon, nothing. It really hurts because I saw some of the things that he did for his first wife and she cheated on him their entire marriage. He has never even written me a love letter or anything. His newest excuse is that he doenst have time. But he always has time to go and eat with his buds or hang out with them. I am depressed and lonely. I love my children, but I need to get away from them too! Am I a sucker or am I really being selfish???
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (5 November 2007):
 You are not being selfish at all. A marriage needs attention just like anything else we do. It's not an area that's OK to just ignore, and let what ever happens happen.
I too have had some very important jobs in the past. Full time and some with mild overtime. At the end of the day, I couldn't wait to get home to my children and spend the evening with them. When I'm working, I focus time there, when I'm at home, work stays at work.
I really feel for you and the situation you're in. I also hate saying this, it's rare that I do. I believe in working things out and counseling to benefit children, but that's only if there is a thread of hope. I don't think there is in your marriage. He is very selfish, self centered, person who doesn't give a crap about anyone but himself, and his life.
This is not good, and for the children, the longer their exposed it will be more likely they will repeat bad behavior.
I do feel for you. This is something that should not happen in a marriage. He's not married to his job, or the guys at work, he's married to you. That marriage, you and the kids deserve respect, and love, and time to grow as a "whole" family, not with one of its member out doing who knows what.
Also he won't apologize. What sort of "wuss" is he, that he can't own up to and apologize when his behavior negatively affects someone else. It's taking ownership and understanding faults, and taking responsibility for ones own actions.
I am sorry, but I'd have to say get out and provide a happy home for your children. Take care.
A
female
reader, starfairy  +, writes (4 November 2007):
 I don't want to be harsh at all, but sucker does spring to mind! There is so much more to life and love than feeling neglected and depressed, not to mention deprived. That man should be treating you like a princess. It does sound like he has serious issues with trust and getting close to someone, which is quite silly considering he is married to you. I got this impression as soon as you said he treated his ex wife really well but basically she treated him like dirt, unfortunately you are bearing the brunt of her mistakes and how he is dealing with it.
I know it's hard expecially when children are involved, but I seriously think you need to take a step back and think, do I want this for the next 40 years? Is this the feeling you want every day when you wake up? Is this the routine you want for the rest of your life? Slogging your guts out, working, caring for the kids, looking after the house and husband, and Zero thanks?
Maybe you need to try therapy again, maybe you need to consider leaving this man. I hope you fiond happiness in whatever choice you make, because no one deserves to spend life unhappy.
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A
female
reader, GracieLondon +, writes (4 November 2007):
Hey,I really feel for you. Personally i think that from what you've said you deserve soo much better.To be honest, your husband sounds like the selfish one.If you can you should really try to sit down with him and tell him exactly how you feel and discuss your future. If he comes back another 'i dont have time' excuse i think you should maybe consider life without him as it seems to me that all he is causing you is heartache.
Good Luck
Gracie xx
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