A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What would you do if your spouse doesn't want to have sex with you? My relationship with my husband has been...different. Very early on in our marriage, in bed, he said to me, "Don't initiate sex. I'll initiate." Then, over the past ten years, has proceeded to initiate it only about every month and a half or so (that's approximate, and probably generous). I've asked him if he's just not attracted to me (which is the obvious answer, but then why did he marry me in the first place?). He insists that he is attracted to me and wants to be with me. Whenever the subject comes up (which at this point is very rarely - it has really dwindled with the passage of time), he promises to change. But now I feel that the damage has already been done and really, if it requires that much effort and you have to tell yourself to be with me more, don't do me the favor. And no, it's not his libido, because he continues to do himself. We were introduced to each other, and early on in our marriage he told me that if he had seen me and a good friend of mine out at a bar (before we met), he wouldn't have approached me, but would have tried to be with my friend because "she's really cute." Then, also early on, he told me that his former girlfriend was better looking than me, and that if I saw a picture of her, I would think so, too. I feel like I already know the answer, but what do you think I should do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2017): I think he is gay, and all that talk about hot women was a disguise. I think by degrading your ego with those comments he is hoping to keep you in a vulnerable position where you just accept the very infrequent sex when it happens. This is actually a fairly common thing that some gay men who are in denial about their sexuality will do (maybe not even consciously, as they are in denial). Look for other signs that he is potentially gay...what kind of porn does he look at? (try to find out without his knowledge, obviously, search browser history if he leaves comp open).
I could be wrong, maybe he is just a mean person with a low sex drive.
Either way, probably not healthy to stay in this relationship.
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (29 May 2014):
 If you were introduced to each other, I’m guessing this was an arranged marriage? Either way, it’s clear that you were not his favoured first choice in looks; he compares you to this day to those other girls. That is what I call giving, insult to injury!
Now he insists, he’s attracted to you and wants to be with you; well who else is going to stay and do the cooking, cleaning etc. if he says otherwise? Meanwhile he continues to do himself… I ask, what’s the deal with that? Is he watching porn? If he doesn’t give you intimate pleasure there’s got to be other contributing factors here? Nonetheless, his promises to change are more about doing you a favour, an obligation to keep you quiet or too keep you from walking away from him, they wouldn’t be genuine!?
For me, he has virtually said you’re second best and has treated you as such from the beginning!? It’d be an effort to say the least after 10 years… Yes you could try counseling etc, but if you know the answer to this situation already; what is stopping you?
CAA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2014): Counseling is needed in a case such as this, habits have formed and feelings are ingrained in hurt and low self esteem. It will help one way or another but at least you've taken action to find satisfaction in your life.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (28 May 2014):
 This qualifies for "He's just not that IN TO YOU".....
You must reconcile if you wish to continue your LIFE with the frustration and angst of spending time with a guy who refuses to adapt to and accomodate one of your important desires and expectations...... OR, will you end things and go on your way and find a warmer/more romantic/more loving man friend.
You're noted that you KNOW "the answer"..... so, I recommend that you carry it out...
Good luck...
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (28 May 2014):
 #1 get the book the sex starved marriage.
#2 Switch to the Talk about marriage forum
This problem is way more common than you think. You will find people both men and women who are in the same boat as you. They will help you.
FA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2014): It really doesn't sound like much of a relationship to me if he would say all those things to you and tell you not to initiate sex. He is either gay, asexual, weird/a creep, or not attracted to you and cheating with someone cuter.
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