A
female
age
41-50,
*rettydaisy
writes:Hi, I have been married for 14 years now and have a 11 year old son. I walked out of his home 7 years back when I couldnt get along with his parents and he wasnt ready to live separately with ME. He would come and see me and my son on weekends. But as my son was getting confused with this arrangement, I stopped him from seeing son on weekends too. This was in 2013. I hoped that he would miss us and moved back to us and set up a home but he didnt. He begged me to come and stay with his parents home. One day I threatened him to give divorce and he came to me running to my home and stayed for 1.6 years. Unfortunately, his dad expired so he left to his parents home again to be with his mom. He started again to beg me to return home but I never did as he was living on his mom's money and earned little and wasted all money he earned and never spent on me or my kid. But he still wanted me to stay and would daily beg me. I trusted that he loves me but unable to set up a home because he was incapable of earning money. I have not met him for the past 1.6 years though we talk on whats app and update about son. But I wont let him meet my son because my son is getting confused with a weeked dad.Suddenly last month, I came to know that my husband was in a full-fledged affair for the past 5 years - even while he was begging me to come and live with him! WOW! When I confronted him through messages and calls. He denied it first and then bluffed that it was phone sex and then said it was just one year old affair. But from what I read and pics I saw, it was a very long and deep affair and he said they broke up months ago. I dont believe any of these stories and as I dont stay with him anyway, I have no chance to spy on him remotely. Im totally shocked that he cheated on me while begging me to come back to him. While I was waiting for him to change his mind and come back to me, he was busy doing all these. I asked for a divorce but he flatly denied giving one and begged for forgiveness. But I dont know how we can try to reconcile when we both dont even live together.Its impossible for me to leave my old parents and go and stay with him in his house with him and his mom that too after leaving his home for 7 years and after this affair. My parents and family are very angry with the affair and wanted to disclose this to his mom but she is too old to bear this at this age.He is not even ready to completely come clean with the affair or attend counselling. Im sure in counselling they would ask us to stay together but we cant as he cant leave is very old mom alone and stay with me and I cant leave my own parents and live with him.He still not ready to divorce me because people will frown upon him as everyone thinks he is a perfect gentleman.What should I do now? How to trust him staying separately? Is it even worth it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2018): I agree with YOUWISH,YOU are the one who ended this relationship! YOU chose to move out! YOU chose to withhold sex and separate. Surely you realized this would have consequences? NOt only withold sex, affection, love and co-habiting, but even witholding your son from your husband. OF COURSE he found affection elsewhere. That is fine if YOU didn't want him. If you don't want him in your bed, but that doesn't mean you get to have a "hold" on him where he can't see other women, if you refuse to see him! I'm not sure what world you are living in expecting a man whom you dumped to be celibate for the rest of his life? You are evidently his first choice, he wanted you back all the time and BEGGED but you withheld everything- your bed, your love and his own son. What did you expect?I am sorry and I realize that it was not an ideal situation to live with his parents, so I DO understand why you were so frustrated. BUT marriage is about compromise, and if that is the only way he could afford to live, then you married him knowing that and need to put up with it. They will be gone some day sadly, just as his dad is now- his mom will sadly die or move into a home or hospital. In the meantime you could have tried to make the best of the situation and let your son know his grandparents. With that being said, I do not really understand why your hubby couldn't move into the apartment with you though, because evidently you did come up with enough money to afford that? Perhaps he is just a very caring individual and knew his parents needed his help. I think you have a lot of growing up to do. You can't treat people like dirt and expect better. Life is compromise- few people like their in-laws but surely you two could have discussed it and come to a compromise, like moving into a closeby apartment, or having your own section of the house to yourselves?It just seems to be your way or the highway. I feel sad that it has come to this when it seems you both did love each other yet made selfish choices. And your poor son is suffering the consequences of two parents who put their own needs above his. He needs both parents in his life. You need to get your selfishness under control. If you don't want to forgive your husband for sleeping with another woman while you rejected him FINE...but you have NO right to keep him apart from his own son. Some day your boy will hate you knowing that. Change your ways and allow visitation. Better yet, reconcile with your hubby and let this go, admitting that it was in large part YOUR decision to separate.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (4 September 2018):
 In Iceland, I found a legal opinion link that says you don’t need to prove any infidelity in order to divorce.
That same link also said that if there were young children involved that the parents had to go through a conciliation process. It’s mandatory. Didn’t you do that?
http://www.kvennaradgjofin.is/english/issues/divorce/55-divorce.html
“In Iceland, both the husband and the wife/registered partners are entitled to a divorce, if they file for it. In other words, the divorce will become final, even if one spouse/partner denies the other a divorce. Refusing to sign under a divorce agreement can delay the process. Legal separation and divorce permits are issued by district commissioners (sýslumenn) or their deputies with legal training, if both parties are in agreement. Otherwise, divorce must be sought before the municipal courts.
According to Icelandic legislation, a distinction is made between legal separation (skilnaður að borði og sæng) and divorce (lögskilnaður).
Legal separation
If either one or both spouses/partners have a child under 18 years of age in their custody, a conciliation procedure before a priest or a recognized representative of a religious organization to which they belong is required. If one or both spouses/partners do not belong to any religious organization, the district Commissioner (sýslumaður) or the judge, depending on the authority in charge of the matter, may attempt conciliation. Before legal separation is granted, either a written agreement on the settlement of assets and debts shall be concluded, or an official settlement procedure initiated.”
——-
In another link I found, it says this:
http://icelandreview.com/stuff/ask-ir/2008/12/17/what-laws-does-iceland-have-regarding-custody-children-case-divorce
“In the case of divorce or separation both parents have the duty to take all possible measures to ensure that the right of the child is being observed, the right of a child’s access to its parents, according to the child’s best interests.”
——
It seems to me you are violation of the law. Not to mention that your rationale that the marriage is necessary, when two-thirds of couples with children in Iceland are not married, seems very odd.
Are you actually in Iceland or are you writing from a more socially conservative country? This is important information for the aunts.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 September 2018):
 Actually, YOU are the cheater in this marriage.
You committed Infidelity by Withholding, which is just as much of an act of faithlessness. The ridiculous thing is - you did it for a really stupid reason.
You alienated both your affection, and even more awfully, you alienated your SON's affection from his father. You can't cut off a spouse at will just because you want to teach him a lesson, or get him to conform to what you want, or you have issue with his parents.
You abandoned the marriage. The divorce may not have been on paper, but the moment you walked out the door and cut off access to your son, that's the moment where you are disqualified from expecting that your husband remain faithful. You breached the marriage contract. In sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer.
You didn't suggest counseling. You didn't stay with him. You didn't work it out with his family, and more importantly, you didn't cultivate the relationship between father and son, which is a grave error in a marriage.
I'm not talking about the occasional "Not tonight, honey. I have a headache". You cut off your husband for YEARS from sexual relations in a marriage. That *is* cheating on him. You broke your vows.
The crime your husband did was to not divorce you properly. But how can you get pissed that he was cheating while you were doing the same thing by omission??? You think a marriage can possibly survive when one withholds affection like that because they don't get their own way???
If you found living with your husband untenable, you should have divorced him. But divorced or no, you have NO RIGHT to withhold your son. How dare you say that he should have "fought for visitation in the courts"??! He should not have had to. Period. You should have been a good mother. But you are NOT a good mother. And you are a shitty wife. Sorry, but I tell the truth here.
It's time to divorce. You have no marriage. Stop wasting time and let him go.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2018): Hi dear op
I do empathize and feel sorry for your situation. He is definitely not a man you would want to keep, not marriage material, not a great husband, not a great father. And you know what else op? He knows. Although he might defend himself like any human, he knows the truth and surely feels that he's lacking but not strong enough, brave enough or as you yourself put it, ambitious enough to do anything about himself or his life.
Simply put, that's all he is capable of. Now you were supposed to be his life partner, who chose him for his existing level of being and capability. You're not his parent, teacher, counselor or therapist to change him. You made a choice that is below your level. He's a lazy ass, a man child, atleast from your description about him. Maybe better off single or married to another lazy ass woman who would lay around slacking.
Firstly, you need to stop trying to make him who you want him to be. That's impossible and definitely not your job.
Secondly, as an implication of the first, you need to stop playing games to get the 'right' reaction from him. You 'thought' he would mend his ways if you threaten or go away and are upset because the game did not go your way, infact backfired. Stop doing or saying things you don't mean. It's not going to get what you want or expect.
This relationship is driving you up the wall and pushing you to play games because you've exhausted all other options. In all this mess, your son's feelings are also being hurt. You guys should get to a mutual understanding in terms of divorce, custody etc. and stop wasting time playing games to pull this on and on until it gets uglier.
As for the cheating, he sounds like someone who does not have much principles. An immature, emotionally unstable man who finds escape in affairs. Although technically he cheated while you had separated, how was there a woman all ready for him to cheat with? I won't say he's a horrible man or monster but he's more of a weak and cowardly man. You will be wasting your love on him because he's never going to be worth.
Divorce. Move on. Make yourself free to find and experience better love.
Hugs, prayers and love for you and your son.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2018): You are not married in a union sense just in name. You want to call all the shots and hold your child back from seeing his father. And you do not refer to your son in a caring way 'The kid' sounds like you resent him as well.
You are affecting your sons life because you are set in your ways and expect to click your fingers and if you don't get what you want you punish those around you.
Just what did you expect if you never saw your husband, that he would stay celibate? Even with having this other woman he would have still had you back but again you think he is wrong somehow to seek affection when he hasn't set eyes on you in years, what planet are you actually on?
Seems to me you think that by being married in name and having his son you are some kind of queen who gets everything her own way.
Just let him see his child, seek advice on divorce, there must be a time apart from each other where this can happen and stop this absolute silliness of thinking you get to tell him what he can and cannot do because YOU refuse to meet in the middle on anything, THINK OF YOUR SON for goodness sake!!!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (4 September 2018):
 You’re being immature and selfish.
Your son deserves his dad in his life. It’s your job to teach your son not to sponge off of people when he’s an adult.
You are hurting your son. Divorce your husband. He’s not even really cheating because it’s clear you’re not actually together and havent been for years, you just won’t admit it. Holding him a prisoner in the marriage because you’re comfortable with the arrangement isn’t okay. He should be able to find someone else, just like you should. The marriage is already over, you just need to make it official.
Stop making excuses. Get a divorce, then get child support and visitation legally sorted. No more blaming your husband or trying to sort it out yourself. You aren’t blameless in this. You’re still hurting your son.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (4 September 2018):
 A little bit of friendly advice here. Stop holding onto anger and resentment. You pushed your husband away and then forbid him from seeing his son, hanging on to a marriage that is dead and upset because your husband is seeing someone else when you refuse to see him?? Stop thinking about yourself and think about your child. It is WRONG to not let your child see his father and get to know him. You are hurting your SON. Grow up, get a divorce and concentrate on being a great mom. It hurts children when they can't see their parents! Has your husband done anything to hurt your son? Is he a bad parent..not caring, doing drugs, an alcoholic? neglectful? If no..then you are in the wrong for keeping him from his child. Get a divorce..move on and stop being silly and petty.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (4 September 2018):
Who cares about your ridiculous marriage... Let your child see his dad for God's sake! I've never heard such a poor excuse to withhold visitation (he's "confused")!!!
It sounds like you're using your son to manipulate your husband. It needs to stop, just like your marriage does. If you're both unwilling to compromise it's over.
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A
female
reader, prettydaisy +, writes (4 September 2018):
prettydaisy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe fact is my husband never fought for the visitation of his son. He could have got through court but he only tried/hoped that one day I would return to him.The reason is - he is a very happy-go-lucky man, a professional yet lazy to earn enough and work hard and own a home.I had to threaten him with a divorce in 2014 when he came running to my parents house and stayed with my son for 1.5 years. He would have stayed back, may be, but his dad died and he had to go and take care of his disabled mom. His parents are rich and so he was pampered and led a lavish life.But he never had affairs when I still stayed in his home.But I couldnt handle his carefree nature, sports addiction and not being ambitious.So one day I just walked out and nevr returned.He loves his son a lot but what is the use of love when there is no responsibility? What would my son learns from him? That it is OK to tolerate an irresponsible man?Initially I did allow his weekend visits but never allowed the kid to go to my in-laws house. So he never bonded with the other set of grandparents at all.Still, I couldnt make my husband to change his attitude and **** to a house of his own.Then I gave up..I still went with him on a holiday since my son wanted it, cried for his dad's company. But HE DIDNOT SPEND A PENNY ON THE TRIP AND I SPONSORED THE WHOLE TRIP. He just came along to play with my son.It didnot bother me much as I was earning enough and my son was happy.Sadly, even after coming back from the trip, his attitude didnot change and he only kept begging me to return home. There is no way Im going back to his house.HE has to come and live with me to which also he agreed.He shamelessly wished me on every anniversary, every birthday, made plans for dinners and all but I never went.In spite of all this, he never changed his mind or wanted me or my son so badly that he left everything and came to live with us.So while does love his son, he never put in efforts except for that 1.5 years in 2014.Even during that period, this man lived wiht my parents but made no plans of taking a new home.He is THAT irresposnbile. he bought expensive gifts to my son, and my son is crazy about his dad, he cried almost daily for him and ask me WHY CANT HIS DAD STAY WITH HIM LIKE ALL HIS FRIEND'S DADS?I trusted that this man would be loyal to me but he enjoyed his life with another married woman for so many years and now not even confessing completely so that I can ask for mutual consent divorce.He is avoiding discussions. I want to appoint a detective and find out if he is really in contact with the OW still so that I can catch him red-handed and gather more evidence for the divorce.Please note that I did ask him for a divorce years ago and even in between but he was dead against it( social pressure) and so as I still cared for him, I let me stay in marriage ( he can flaunt his ring and my DP in his FB) but interact with him only when I need something and vice-versa.I was OK with this arrangement too. But cheating on me? No way Im going to tolerate this. But due to his non cooperation, its is becoming difficult for me make him confess.I dont know if reconciliation is even possible as we can never live together in the same house ever. At least not until we become parentless.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (4 September 2018):
 What are you holding onto here? You have nothing left to cling to yet you both cling as hard as you can, like drowning people to bits of floating straw. HE begs you to come back to him, while YOU snoop on him and use his child as a bargaining chip. This is not a healthy "relationship" by any stretch of the imagination - for you, for him and certainly not for your poor child who must be SO confused that his dad appears in his life, only to disappear again completely.
You are not capable of explaining to him that daddy can only see him on week-ends but you seem to have found a way to explain daddy will never see him again? Most parents would bend over backwards to make sure their children maintain contact with both parents. I have known many very messy divorces where the parents stay civil to each other afterwards just so that the children can continue to have a good relationship with both parents. Amazingly they can all explain to their children that mummy and daddy can no longer live together (in your case that could be SO simply done by saying that mummy and daddy need to look after their own ageing parents) but that mummy and daddy will always be there for the children.
The two adults in this mess are adults and stay in this mess OUT OF CHOICE. The only one I feel sorry for is that poor child who is being denied access to his father. You come across in your post as a reasonably intelligent woman so I don't actually believe that you cannot explain to your child that, although daddy has other obligations, he will always be daddy. Grow a spine and admit you are using this child as leverage to get your own way, then grow up and put your child's needs ahead of your own selfish desires.
As for telling your elderly mother-in-law about your husband's affair, what possible reason could you have to inflict this on her - except to tarnish her son's image in her eyes and for some sort of sick revenge on him for cheating on you when you don't really have anything left of a relationship? Do you think by inflicting pain on this old lady, it will make YOU feel better?
Do you like the person you appear to have become? Someone who will stoop to anything to get something which appears to be slipping further and further away? You don't come across as a very nice person at all BUT I get the feeling you have not always been like this. Why are you still fighting for this "relationship" - with a man you no longer trust and who, by your own admission, cannot act in an adult manner where finances are concerned?
I don't know the divorce laws of your country but I am sure, if you actually WANTED to divorce your husband, then you could do so. He is manipulating you with words while his deeds show you that, in fact, he has moved on and has another life without you. Words are cheap. Watch what people DO because that is where the truth lies.
How many more years are you going to waste? How low are you going to sink in an attempt to hold onto a man who doesn't sound like much of a prize at all? Do you not think you deserve better? And do you not think you ARE better than this?
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (4 September 2018):
OP, you’re not in a relationship with him. You’re married on paper only. He hasn’t grown up and you haven’t stepped up enough to let go.You know his behaviour isn’t good for your child, so stop allowing it. Your child isn’t a pawn in this mess, so get legal contracts signed about your husband paying child support and getting visitation. Your child still deserves to see his dad, even if it’s only twice per month. Don’t cut him out just because your son doesn’t understand. He’d probably understand if you got a divorce, rather than having married parents who don’t live together.I mean, think about it: “my parents are married, but don’t live together” - that’s what’s confusing. An 11 year old can understand “my parents don’t live together because they’re divorced” better than this current mess.Get a divorce, child support and visitation. Do it legally through lawyers, not trying to figure it out yourself, as that clearly isn’t working.Good luck, OP.
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