A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Husband of 26 years got approached by a prostitute when he was in Makati City, Manila. She asked him if he was alone and would like some afternoon company. He said sure and then go back to the New World Makati Hotel and have sex using a condom. He said that 5 seconds "in" he pulled out and couldn't continue, paid the whore the $50 USD and ripped the condom off and cried like a baby. He was only there for 48 hours on business and couldn't even keep his dick in his pants. Husband tells me all this 10 months AFTER it happened. I am disgusted!!!(I've gone 3x for STD tests all Negative, told my doctor I'll get tested every month, I am so paranoid now!) He has been in the doghouse for 3 months, and intimacy is dead. My husband is a dumbass and only thought with his DICK!!!! Selfish, selfish, selfish bastard!!!I have told all my family and close girlfriends and they want us to "work it out" because what my husband did is so completely out of character. He lost 60 lbs prior to him coming clean. He had night sweats and couldn't eat, I thought it was all work related stress...boy was I wrong! I am sitting on the fence as to stay and work it out or pack up and leave. We did do marriage counselling and saw our priest, but I am still so bitter and unable to forgive. Any comments from wives who have been in a similar situation involving adultery would be appreciated.
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female
reader, Just.opinions  +, writes (7 August 2013):
He sounds very sorry for having been so rash. I do agree with rcn. You sound like you want him to feel bad. But i can very much relate, as i have the same sort of annoyance. When he acts like he is ok, you worry he has forgotten the pain he caused you. The only reason i think it took him so long to fess up is because he was worried he might lose you.
I am the kind of person who thinks people never change once they cheat. But your story actually seemed the exception. I dont think he was ever a cheater. Just stupid and thinking with his little head. I am impressed that he came out with it. Came clean to you. And is still as sorry as he was 10 months ago. But be careful, as stress is so medically dangerous. It takes a toll.
If you feel you need councelling to get over it, then that is a very good option. Councelling is a good idea even in a good marriage to ensure problems are worked out more effectively. But i suggest you forgive him. And give him a grand gesture so he can maybe forgive himself. If this were me, i would first get all of the anger and sorrow out. Have him write you a letter containing everything he feels about this issue. You do the same, even if you need to write how stupid he was until you fall asleep. Eventually you will not have the hatred to write any more hate about him. Cry all you need. Its theraputic. Fold your letters up and see the hate being sealed up. Then stand somewhere together and burn them. Do not read eachothers letters. Just burn them.
The next part will take a lot of courage and strength. Talk about how you feel. Never begin a sentance with "you did..." just talk about how YOU feel. And again, crying is good. It cleanses.
Finally, when you are ready, tell him you forgive him and love him anyways. Do not bring it up again after this. And dont let him continue to apologize. It will only set your progress back.
I hope all works out, no matter what you decide. Im sorry for the length of this response, but in this instance, i doubted youd be bothered
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2013): Thank you so much for your comments. It literally brought me to tears! You are all wise individulas and your words were so profound. I printed off your comments and keep reading them over and over again they are so powerful.
Thank you all and I will try my best to forgive my husband. He gave me a bouquet of flowers the other day that said "I Love You and I am so sorry". That also brought me to tears!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013): Yes, I have had my (now ex) husband cheat on me. I have had my (now ex) fiance cheat on me. I can see your situation objectively, and hope you can really listen to what I want to say. Your husband sounds like a keeper. I am a decent Christian woman, I was brought up with religious values and believe very deeply in loyalty. I have had three long term relationships in my life, and all three cheated on me. The pain and anguish I have been through, has literally just about killed me. But my exes denied denied denied, they were never truly sorry, and they even made up excuses to blame me or their situation when the truth came out. What I can see that happened to your husband, is, he had a really really dumbass idea, and realized very quickly that it was. He was not intimate (so to speak) he basically... was probably curious. He felt so guilty and so bad, he lost a lot of weight. This shows he has a good heart and a good soul. He messed up. If this is the only 'bad' part of your marriage, and everything else is good, it sounds to me like he deserves and needs your forgiveness. He made a really really dumb mistake. What I wanted from my exes, was for them to be sorry, to show their regret by admitting what happened, and for me to see their regret, remorse, their sadness. It never came. Your husband has been totally honest with you, when he didn't need to be. He has bought the truth out into the open, and your marriage can be fixed, and stronger and better for it. There is no pain in the world, than knowing your loved one has fallen in love and made love to another person. Your husband didn't do that. He came close to really messing up, and stopped it. Given the pain and anguish he has been through the last ten months, I think you are safe to know that it will never happen again. To me, you are one of the lucky ones.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (11 June 2013):
 The bitterness you hold onto is about you now, and is not about the situation or your husband. There is something within you that wants him to keep paying over and over again for the mistake he had made, and this bitterness is really because (1) you desire him to feel guilty (2) you're holding onto it because somehow you feel if you do, you're punishing him. However, you're punishing yourself, and if you choose to work it out, disabling your abilities to do so. Forgiveness is a choice, and it's not that you're unable to forgive, it's that you choose not to. However, if you choose to work it out with him, you must work on forgiveness or any work you do will not provide for a positive outcome.
If you decide to work things out, you have work to do. It's not always easy, but if you want to have success in this marriage, you must be willing to do whatever it takes.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 June 2013):
 Yeah, I'd say he's a dumbass, that's for sure. And it's okay for you to feel how you do! It intrigues me that he went through so much stress over the issue with the 60 pounds and the night sweats. What he did devastated him as well. NO EXCUSE, that's for sure, but many guys carry on affairs and sleep like a baby.
One thing is for certain, no matter if you choose to remain married or no, the relationship you had is gone forever. You did the counseling, you sifted through your feelings.
At this point, if you cannot forgive him, I would suggest separation. You cannot remain in the place you are now. Bitterness and unforgiveness and staying in that broken angry state is unhealthy for you. If there is any future in you both as a couple, it has to start from scratch. Square one. The beginning. As in courtship, rebuilding trust, getting to know each other again, because if there is one thing that blindsides people on here, it's the thought of "I thought I knew him".
He alone is responsible for his cheating, and nothing whatsoever can possibly excuse his behavior, but there is a mutual breakdown in a marriage. It would be a healthy thing to consider what caused the marriage corrosion, which is a separate issue from the affair. Was there depression? Was he trying to self-medicate or some weird thing? Break it all down, and ask yourself the question -- do you have it in you to love him? That's one of the hardest questions of them all.
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