A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 24, and gay, and there's a guy who I like who drinks at a local gay bar - the only one in our small Northern England coastal town.I've spoken to him a few times, seems like a nice guy, but how can I tell if he's gay or not? I know he comes to the gay bar as he has some friends there.However, I don't know if he's gay or not but I do know he's single (said so himself) - when I ask about who he fancies he changes the subject so it's entirely ambiguous. I've known him for 18 months now as a friend and he's a decent guy with a good sense of humour.His friends can't/won't tell me and he won't.He does seem to have some things that possibly mark him out as gay; he hates homophobes and has the LGBT sticker in his Renault Laguna (it has the LGBT flag and 'SAY NO TO HOMOPHOBIA') and he makes jokes about homophobes and does like musicals (acts camp when they get mentioned) - however he's macho most of the time and occasionally wears flamboyant bright shirts; theatre doesn't always mean gay, does it?Asking him 'are you gay' always results in changing the subject so how am I to find out if he's a potential partner - he's a good friend?I'd appreciate any advice you have. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013): When a guy doesn't confirm if he's gay in a gay bar, it's almost like saying "Duh!"
I go against the suggestion of asking him out. Lest you want to be rejected. He will not even confirm his sexual orientation to you. So let it be.
If he doesn't confirm one way or another; perhaps he is in a situation that it may not be wise for him to be out.
However; he has his friends and he does as he pleases. He just may not be interested in having a gay relationship. He may happen to be straight. The odds are highly against it.
Not confirming means: NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!! RESPECT IT!
After 18 months and he has shown you no special interest outside of friendship, what does it take to get the point across? He's not that into you.
Stop pressing the issue and let him tell you when he is ready. If he doesn't come right out and say he is "straight" it is likely he isn't. Some people only come out to select individuals. That is their personal choice, and there's nothing wrong with it.
If he doesn't confirm he's gay, that means he is in the closet until he feels comfortable about coming out. So leave it alone. Even his friends respect his choice; so should you.
Too many nasty "queens" try to out people before their ready. Before they have a chance to deal with family and professional issues. Just appreciate him for the great guy that he is. Is that asking too much!
One thing you know for certain. He has shown no interest in dating you or being your boyfriend.
I'm gay and that is my opinion.
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (10 June 2013):
Dear OP,
Most straight single guys wouldn't spend their free time hanging out in gay bars.. in fact, I don't know any straight guy who'd do that. And if asked, I am sure he would say "I'm straight".
So if you like him, make a move. Just assume he's gay and if he isn't.. well, he should have said so right away. Maybe he's not out of the closet yet, but clearly there's something he's looking for.
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A
female
reader, MsSadie  +, writes (10 June 2013):
 I'd just ask him out. He can accept your invitation as a) a guy who reciprocates your interest or b) as a friend who likes you but not like that. Even if it is B, who cares about his sexual orientation in that scenario?
He can also reject the invitation because a) he's not interested in you or b) he's not gay.
Go for it! It doesn't sound like you have anything to lose.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 June 2013):
 You're in a gay bar! If you're interested in this guy, don't worry about labels and ask him out! He can either say yes, or no. I actually wonder if he's playing with you in order to get you interested in him, you know?
But seriously! He's in a gay bar, has gay-friendly paraphernalia on his car, and is single! That makes him fair game as much as a guy with a neon "I am gay" sign over him. Go for it if you're interested! And good luck to you, and I hope all the best!
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (10 June 2013):
 Being camp and wearing loud clothing doesn't have to mean anything, but he drinks in a gay bar and he openly promotes LGBT issues. Those would be enough for me to assume he was gay, because most straight guys do not do those things. Maybe he just doesn't like to stick a label on himself. Some people really hate that and, although it's frustrating for you, he obviously doesn't want to come out and say it directly.
If you like him, why don't you ask him out? If he says no then he's either not gay or he doesn't feel the same way about you. Either way, the result will be the same and you will know that it's not going to happen with him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2013): That's a bit strange. I mean if he was gay then why not just say that? if he's pan/bi etc. then those too can be said and it would make no sense for a guy still in the closet to openly support homosexuality in such a way, then again maybe that's exactly it.
You know what OP? Assume he is and ask him out if you want. Ask him if he'd be interested in taking it further and going on a date with you. You don't really need to know his sexuality to ask him out do you? Just assume since he's so pro gay he may be open to it. I mean even if you knew for certain he was gay then you still have to ask him out to see if he's interested in something with you. So why let this one unanswered question stop you finding out if there's potential?
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