A
female
age
36-40,
*inz1818
writes:i just found out my husband of 17 years slept with his brothers wife on his wedding night. This is the most disgusting thing I have ever heard or had to endure, the pain that i am going through is so unbearable. His brother met his wife 3 years ago. Got married and slept with my husband and now is claiming their daughter is my husbands. She has 2 kids previous with other men, one with an ex and one with her husband and apparently one with mine. My husband is claiming he was high and drunk and was taken advantage of. She was vulnerable because her husband slept with someone during his bachelor party. So I'm assuming she wanted revenge and chose his brother. This happened a year ago and they have been communicating on a secret phone, he said she kept saying he might be the father and he wanted nothing to do with her and wanted to sign off his rights but she wasn't having it so he kept talking to her to keep her in a good zone so she wouldn't speak. We have 2 kids together. And he is the only man I've ever slept with, I was the only person he slept with up until he chose her to have an affair with. Right now. I am so embarrassed and can't face the world. My brother in law has told everyone and I haven't spoken to a soul. I've been drinking myself every night as I cry from all the deceit from them both. My husband is also dying, not sure if it's because he got caught but he is begging and willing to do anything, I mean anything, but I don't feel I owe him that, I want to spite him and sleep with someone to hurt him but no matter what I do or who I sleep with it won't be and messed up as what he did. He CHEATED WITH HIS BROTHERS WIFE AND THERE IS A LOVE CHILD. What do I do in this twisted story. Leave or stay. I am so lost and don't know what to do.
View related questions:
affair, cheated on me, drunk, revenge, wedding, wedding night Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Aussie Guy  +, writes (10 March 2017):
Linz1818: I am sorry that you are going through this. First you need to stop drinking alcohol it will not solve anything, your problems will still be there and it could beheld against you in a divorce and child custody arrangements.You need to decide if your marriage is worth saving, marriage counselling, by your self to start with could help you to work through the issues. The counsellor needs to be professionally trained not someone you know, so that they can give you an unbiased opinion as possible.Please do not stay with your husband for the sake of your children as you would live in an unhappy marriage you need to decide if you and your husband can work things out.You need to make your husband to demand a DNA test to see if he is the father of you sister in laws baby. It seems she likes to hold this over your husband to control him. If she does not agree then do one by stealth.It seems by your writing your husbands brother and his wife live a sorded life. One thing is for certain you need to cut all ties with your husbands brother and his wife otherwise they could drag you into their sorded world like they did with your husband. Good luck I wish you all the best.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 February 2017):
 What do you do? Well you need to decide that. Do you feel in your heart their is anything left to work on in this marriage? Do you feel you can trust him again? To me it sounds like he is not taking responsibility I mean he is using excuses saying he was taken advantage off! If that was the case he should have told you, he should have been honest. But sweetheart he is a liar, a cheat and well if he can do that to his own brother then he really is not a nice person. The wife was out for revenge and your husband took that opportunity to get his leg over. He could not resist and well who is to say the next girl that comes along he won't do the same.
I know that your head is all over the place at the moment. But you need to go to a doctor. If he got her pregnant then he did not use anything, and if her husband is also a cheat then their is a possibility that he could have passed a STI on to you, therefore get a close friend to go to the doctor with you to get tested. Don't hold off on this as the sooner this is done the better.
Next I think you need to decide what is best for you and your children. Drinking every night is not fair on your two children, they are aware off the pain and hurt and they need you now more than ever. They need you to be strong and be the best mother that you can be. I am aware your whole life has been torn apart, but so has the children's so try and be strong for them.
I send you lots off love I cannot imagine what you are going through at the moment. I personally could not take him back after doing this. But that is something you need to decide for yourself.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2017): "What do I do in this twisted story."
Whatever you decide, you need to consider what's in your children's best interests and realize that if you choose to "punish" their father then they will be the ones who will inevitably suffer the most.
You also have to be aware that the "love child" (if proven) will always be part of your children's lives as their half-sibling and step-cousin no matter the circumstances under which s/he was conceived.
In any event I'd be concerned not only that your husband cheated on you with his brother's wife, but also that he's refusing to take responsibility for his actions by blaming her AND he expects you to forgive him on his terms. That sounds to me like a cheater who's only sorry that he got caught.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2017): I think the answers already posted sum up really well the same advice that I would give you so I won't repeat it.
Be strong, take time for yourself, don't be pushed to makes decisions until you feel comfortable, know it's ok to cry, be the better person and be the person that things about the kids involved.
I wish you the very best and I too send you hugs.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2017): This is so bad I am so sorry. Your husband needs to move out and give you the respect and space you need for as long as you need it to decide what YOU want next. I urge you to seek legal advice at the earliest opportunity. Whether this child is his or not will never change what went on. The worst kind of betrayal. Being high or drunk is an excuse. It is not a reason.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (11 February 2017):
 HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG.
First of all, there is a lot at stake here so you need to think calmly and work out what is best for everyone, especially your children. You need to be strong so, tempting as it is to withdraw into drinking, you need to stop. Regardless of anything else, your children need you to make the right decisions and you will need a clear mind for that.
Secondly, have a huge calming HUG. This is truly awful and I can only begin to understand how shattered you feel. I felt shattered FOR you as I read your post. However, you CAN survive this if you both work at it.
In your shoes (and I do appreciate we are all different), this is what I would do:
No 1 priority would be to do a DNA test and find out who really is the biological father of this poor child. If your brother-in-law did not suspect she was not his, then his wife was obviously having sex with him at the same time as with your husband. Chances are she was having sex MORE with her own husband than with yours, so the chances are actually higher that the child is HER husband's, not yours. There is no way she can be sure. If she had wanted to make her marriage work, she would have kept quiet and passed the child off as her husband's and nobody would have been any the wiser. It sounds like she is still trying to make her husband pay for what he did on his stag do.
Regardless of who the biological father is, the indiscretion still happened. It sounds from your post like this was a drunken one-off. What I personally would find harder to forgive would be the continued contact by secret phone, although it sounds like - from your husband's side - this was purely a desire to keep his brother's wife from spilling the beans. Now that this has happened, the secret phone will go, right? There will be no more secret conversations.
Awful as this is (and I don't think anyone could be in your situation and not be devastated), please PLEASE don't be tempted to continue the destruction by behaving in the same despicable way as your brother-in-law's wife did. Consider the pain she has caused by her actions; you do not sound like the same sort of selfish person as she is. You know deep down having revenge sex with someone would not take away your pain but would simply create more pain for your husband. Tempting as it is to lash out, you know it is not the answer. I am sure it is just the pain you are feeling which is making you think like this.
If this indiscretion (I am loathe to call it an affair as that would point towards long-term secrecy and deception, rather than a one-off drunken instantly-regretted sex act) is the only time your husband has let you down in 17 years of marriage, then you have to ask yourself if you are going to view this one slip-up as being more important than 17 years of what has, I assume, been a good marriage.
You cannot forgive him instantly. That is just not human. And he needs to know how badly he has let you down (which it sounds like he does). He also needs it pointing out to him that, regardless of the calculated manner in which his brother's wife planned her rotten revenge on her husband, he was still a party to it and cannot absolve himself of all responsibility, regardless of his state at the time. (If he has a drink and/or drug problem, that is something he needs to address as a matter of urgency.)
Your sister-in-law sounds like very bad news. She has probably been hurt badly herself in the past and now lashes out in the most calculated of manners if someone hurts her, regardless of who she takes down in the process.
You need someone who you can talk to about all this. Can you see a counsellor, or someone else independent, who can listen and let you work out what you need to do? If you are religious, perhaps a priest or vicar or someone else connected with your church?
In your shoes I would be saying to my husband:
- You have let me down so badly that you cannot imagine. The hurt I feel at the moment is so bad that I cannot think straight.
- YOU have to take responsibility for what happened, regardless of your state. You were NOT "taken advantage of" without your consent. Man up and admit you were at fault too.
- You need to take a DNA test as soon as possible so that this little girl's parentage can be determined. If you are not her biological father, then you need to never have contact with her mother again. If you ARE the biological father, it needs to be worked out whether your brother is going to choose to raise her as his own (which doesn't sound promising) or whether you need to financially support her.
- We have 17 years of marriage history, the most important part of which is our children. They must be our top consideration in all this.
- If I decide I can get past this - and that is a big IF at the moment - YOU have to rebuild the trust I had in you for all those years and convince me I made the right decision to stay in this relationship. If you EVER let me down again, there will definitely be no more chances.
- If I decide I cannot live with what happened, we must support our children through the break-up and going forward.
Good luck. Your husband sounds like he has learned his lesson. You CAN work through this and make your marriage stronger as a result. However, if the little girl turns out to be his, that will be a constant reminder of his infidelity and will take immeasurable forgiveness on your part.
You sound like a lovely lady. I am sure you will work this out and do what is best in the end. Remember, there are no time limits. Don't make any decisions while still angry.
HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2017): I know how horrific and painful this has to be for you. I understand how you would be so angry and hurt that you would want to take revenge on him by doing the same thing he did to you. But please don't lower yourself to his base standards. You have two kids to think about and you are obviously the mature parent, the one who had the integrity and respect for the vows you took. You are the role model for your children that he also should have been.
I would not be able to stay with him under these circumstances, but that's up to you to decide. The best revenge would be to leave him, let the pain heal and lead a happy and productive life. Let him stew in the misery he deserves.
...............................
|
