A
female
age
41-50,
*ys
writes:Its funny how in a split second everything you knew and loved can just be stripped away from you. I heard a saying the other day and it stayed with me..."what does it mean to regret when you have no other choice." This has really struck a chord with me.My husband and I were married for about a year and a half and just last week he left...after I requested him to do so. He has gone back to Los Angeles to be with his family. From the beginning of our realtionship (five years total) there were challenges. We were both seperated from our spouses and were both going through our divorces when we met. Mine was 2 years and his was a year and a half from the time we found eachother. We connected instantly both coming from a similar situation. We did all the right things. We decided to take things slow and start off by seeing others as well as dating eachother but keeping things honest at all times. We did and we dated unexclusively for about a year.We together decided after that year of dating that we were deeply in love and that we just wanted to be with eachother. We began a committed relationship. He lived part in Washington as he is an american and partly with me as he would come over the border every chance he would get. I have never spent so much time with anyone nor have I wanted to...neither had he. We were inseperable and I truly believe despite what has happened to date that he was my soulmate. Our love ran deep and true. We decided after we were married( big las vegas wedding with 62 out of town guests) that he would immigrate here and so we started on the paper work and i became a spousal sponsor. We have a one and a half year old daughter and i waited so long for my baby girl. God had finally blessed me with my sweet angel. He is a great father. Because of the sponsorship my husband came here and i financially agreed to support us as he is not legally allowed to work here. I took financial responsibility for our family a year ago. He has stayed home with our daughter and i go to work. She is extremely attached to her father.His grandmother who is his entire life line and pretty much sole support system growing up was just diagnosed with terminal cancer and only has a few more months to live. This has devastated my husband and he has not been the same since receiving this news. He has been extremely moody, distant and has been complaining that he is stuck in the house and feels like he is going stir crazy. He did go to the gym 5 times a week though as working out is his release. We used to go together. i have not went with him for over 6 months as my work schedule would not allow for it.There is a girl that works at the gym that befriended me becuase she needed support and thats the type of person i am. Her husband left her and she had no place to stay. She stayed with me for two nights. I own my house. i bought it after my first divorce so I let her stay. my husband complained about me bringing that kind of girl into our home. I actually sold her the apartment she lives in now that would turn into be the same home my husabnd ended up having sex with her in! Aint that something. About four months ago I started to notice little things about her. We used to go to yoga together in the evenings. She was always asking to watch my baby (she always asked before) but this was becoming excessive. My husband also told me that she had driven him home from the gym one time although she never mentioned it to me and I did talk to her that day. i put two and two together and I knew she needed to be out of my life. Something didnt feel right. My gut was telling me. I was right. I told her that something didnt feel right about her and that she was not trustworthy and therfore she could no longer be in our lives. i have found out now that this is when she actively began to pursue my husband. When I say this in no way shape or form am i telling you that he is not responsible for sleeping with her but it is part of the story. My husband had sex with her at the home I sold her 4 months ago and he admitted it after first denying it. i am so broken and am having a very difficult time working or even getting out of bed. I am supposed to be sponsoring this man!! He is my daughters father but he knew that this would be something that would ultimately destroy me and our marriage...he did it anyways. i need wisdom, advice, kindness and love. I am so broken and torn about the sponsorship. I know I will never be with him again as I am not able to get past this but how do I battle this immigration dilemma?
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divorce, grandmother, soulmate, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, mrdesai  +, writes (1 January 2010):
I cannot understand your post.
You indicate your husband is an American--but you sponsored him?
A
male
reader, Sathish Kumar  +, writes (10 December 2009):
I have already responded twice to the above question anonymously. (Indian male) I shall respond to it once again after hearing from my friend who posted this question.
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A
female
reader, Lys +, writes (10 December 2009):
Lys is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am extremely eager to respond to your comments Mr. Indian male however I do not have the time required to respond as I must attend to my daughter now. I will take the opportunity to respond as soon as I put her down for the night. I do appreciate you taking the time to express your views but I welcome the fist opportunity to respond to them.
Thank-you Angzw...You have really touched me
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2009): Dear friend,
I am the same person who has suggested to you through these columns to reconcile with your husband as im my openion it is only his geans and nothing else which can be blamed for his transgressions. After seeing your reply to my response I have become even more determined to wipe your tears from your cheeks and make you as happy as you once were. I once again reassure you. Do not despair. Don't become heart broken. Please remember that there is atleast one solution to every problem. And the problem which you encounter at present can surely be solved provided you have the will to solve it and provided you develop acceptance to certain things which are beyond your control. Afterall, Psychologists say "your life is in your hands". Now I am saying your happiness lies in your hands. Nobody can steal it from you. From your reply, I can understand the quantum of pain you are undergoing at this very moment and once again let me reassure you that soon you will come out of this agony and become a happy person once again. Yes dear. This is a promise. I do not know who you are and where you are from but my heart still ges out to you. Pray sincerely and rest assured that all your trials and tribulations will soon come to an end. But I want you to understand that God helps only those who help themselves. So before you experience the happiness that you crave for, there are certain things which I would like you to do in order to taste that happiness.
Step no 1 :
Unblock all your husband's calls from your home, business or whatever and allow him to communicate with you and your daughter. Give him a chance to explain and do not allow you to be overwhelmed by emotions when he does that. Just listen to him patiently and allow him to do the talking.
Step no 2:
Allow him to meet you and appologise to you for what ever that has happened.
Step no 3:
If your inner heart says that he is otherwise a nice person, accept whatever excuses he gives and reconcile with him. (Also please remenber my earlier observation that he is likely to falter once again not because he is a dirty individual but because of the fact that he happens to be a male and all males irrespective of whether they are good are bad are being driven by their geans.)
Step no 4:
Take your husband to your place of worship and promise before your God that you have forgiven him for whatever he has done to you and resume a new life.
Good luck.
You can contact me at [email address blocked] if you please.
I am eagerly waiting to hear from you that you and your family have become happy once again.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (10 December 2009):
For me, the first week I stayed in my bed and cried constantly; it took 6 months of crying several times a day; sometimes howling so loud that I had to lock myself away. After that, that's when I started controlling this to spending more time looking at the positive areas of my life like my gym workouts, my hobbies, my kids. What helped me force myself out of it was my kids could sense my depression and were becoming affected and I could not let it continue. The thing about it is the betrayal almost feels worse than death; because death is so final yet the betrayal has no closure to it because its always that dreaded question that can never be answered; WHY????
As for the Indian chap's comments; over here in the rest of the world we have evolved. Besides male animals sleeping with as many females as possible to spread their genes, the old males will also get kicked out by the younger males and be put out of the group, male animals will also mate with their own offspring, they will smother/abandon offspring that are deformed and some mothers will even eat their young. So it is total rubbish to say men cheat because they are programmed to do so. Homo Sapiens means "human the intelligent" because we have higher brain functions that are meant to overcome these so called animal instincts. Plenty of other men are faced with these temptations everyday and they resist them against these "overwhelming" urges. Prostitutes like this one who stole her man also sleep with people's husbands without the emotional links you mentioned. This man was wrong, he knows it and he needs to take responsibilty for his actions. I am not saying he can never be forgiven, but he cannot get a free pass because he was a victim of his animal instincts.
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A
female
reader, Lys +, writes (10 December 2009):
Lys is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Sincerely thank-you for taking the time to write to me it really means alot. Im not sure if you got my first thank--you as i am still Learning how to navigate through this system.
I pray for the day that my crying will be reduced to just 5 minutes a day although i know it will not be anytime soon. i am so completely broken. So so hurt and sad. I wish I knew how to cope through this.
how long did it take you to stop feeling the gut wrenching pain? Im so sorry you had to also go through it...so sorry
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2009): Dear friend,I really feel sorry for what you are going through right now. It's quite unfortunate that this has happened in your life and though I am a male I fully understand how much you are hurt by this. But let me clarify certain facts which are genitically linked to each gender. As for as sexual behaviour is concerned, males are entirely different from females. With out any exceptions, almost all females are really interested in cultivating a relationship with another male or a female. Sex, as for as a female is concerned is only a culmination of a close relationship with a male or a female. In other words a female would not indulge in sex unless she is already in a close relationship with someone of either sex. And once a female enters into a satisfying relationship with some one she can't be easily drawn into another intimate relationship with someone else. But in the case of males things are totally different. Please understand that men are genitally programmed to impregnate as many number of females as possible. And unlike a female who can not be sexually aroused unless she is already in an intimate relationship with someone, men can easily be aroused by any sexually apealing female even though they are not in a relationship with each other. This is the very reason pornography apeales much to men whereas females do not pay much attention to it.You will probably see the truth in this if you observe wild animals' sexual behaviour in some of the TV channels which devote their entire time to nature and naturally occuring phemomena. So my dear friend, please understand that just because your husband had transgressed once does not mean that he has lost all interest in you and all the love he once showered on you will now become a thing of the past. Not at all. Also, please understand that your husband'stransgression is not entirely on the circumstances alone. Even if he had not been in a situation like the one he had been in which prompted him to commit the act, he will be constantly be on the lookout for an oppertunity to have sex with other females throught his life.And please understand that the same is the case with all the males. Please do not believe if any male says he will never transgress from a committed relationship because it is simply not possible.Though we call ourselves as humanbeings we still happen to harbour animal instincts which can not be easily shed. So, even if you happen to come across another male who you think is straight from the heaven, please understand that at some time or other he also is likely to fall for the same. In India, where I hail from, there is a saying "There is no Rama among men" which means that it is next to impossibe to find a male who will remain committed to a single relationship. Therefore , I would rather blame your husband's transgression on his genitic makeup than anything else. Please understand this and try to reconcile with your husband in the interest of everyone concerned. I know dear, this will be difficult but still it is possible if you understand the genitics involved. So my dear friend, Buck up! Put your best foot forward amd move on. Do not wallow in self pity. Do not despair and don't ever become crest fallen. I do not want you to sit there any cry cursing your fate. Life is short and it is only for once. Make the most of it.Do not make it misreable for the remainder of your life. Good luck to you and your daughter and to your husband as well.PS : If this reply appeals to you or brings about a positive change in your life, please please reflect the same in these columns.
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A
female
reader, Lys +, writes (9 December 2009):
Lys is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSincerely, thank-you for responding. My heart is so broken and I cannot imagine a time that my crying can be reduced to just five minutes...how I pray for that day! I honestly can barely function. I try so hard to keep it together but its so difficult. I am no different than you....I want to just crawl into a hole and stay there. I never thought I could ever be stripped of all my strength in one swoop. I feel sucker punched and I still cant catch my breath.
He does want me back but he knows I mean it when i say he is no longer welcomed in my home. He was calling over and over again and he wouldn't give me a minute to think so I had his numbers blocked from my home business and cell phone. I don't know if that has helped or made me feel worse. There are so many different emotions and i have never had to encounter anything like this before so I really don't know how to deal with it.
Again, I thank-you for your response as I really value what you have said.
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A
female
reader, Angzw +, writes (9 December 2009):
There is a saying "no good deed goes unpunished". It just boggles the mind how senseless and cruel people can be. I have been where you are today; two people who you trust doing such vile things not caring for a moment about your feelings... I am truly sorry for you. It will take time for you to heal from this.... I remember in the beginning I literally wanted to take my life but you have more sense than me. What helped me survive was seeing the hopeful faces of my innocent children who I knew needed me to pull myself together so they could have a chance for a happier future than mine. Just allow yourself to take baby steps each day; going through the motions of getting to work and so on. As time goes on, you have to force yourself to compartmentalise the pain. In other words, where you allowed yourself to cry at the drop of a hat, you literally have to be hard on yourself and only allow yourself a 5 minute session of raging. It sounds ruthless but I was given this advice by a cheat survivor and it has worked so well that I am down from a daily 5min raging session to a monthly one; usually PMT related :)Ok, to the issue: the best way to deal with this is to think about what is in your best interests and what is in the best interests of your daughter. I am not completely sure how the system works, but do not do anything that jeopardizes access to his daughter, for your daughter's sake. At the same time, do whatever does not continue to impact on your finances. Cruelty is never necessary when dealing with a person with whom you have a child. You have to force yourself to detach your emotions from the decisions you have to make because these decisions have a long term impact. Probably the initial step is to ask him what his plans for the future are; maybe he is thinking very differently. Maybe he will try to get back with you? Don't make it easy for him. If he couldn't work before, he will work now. As for the bitch, that's what hurt people do, they go out and hurt other people; its disgusting that she has lost her marriage and now she is destroying others. Its difficult to advise on this one but take your time. It might be too soon to cope with making big decisions but I certainly wish you all the best; you and your daughter.
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