A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm going through a really tough time just now. My husband of 19 years is an actor- 8 years into our marriage( we married very young) he trained in acting and has done lots of fairly small screen/stage productions. He's a good-looking guy and regularly gets cast as the love interest. This ,of course , means stage kissing is often involved. the thing is, I have always struggled with it. We were each others' first love, he'd never kissed anyone before me...and since we've been married, dozens! His latest role involves him simulating sex with an 18year old girl, and lots of kissing. I can't help feeling really hurt, belittled and like he's making a fool out of both me and our marriage. Logic tells me I'm overreacting but I can't tell myself to stop feeling like this any more than I can tell him to give up acting. I seriously don't think I would have married him had he been an actor back then. How can I deal with this?
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male
reader, jcthomas2  +, writes (17 March 2013):
It is interesting reading people's responses to this issue. I have read people's responses to your question as well as to many other similar questions. Generally speaking, those who have acted don't see any problem with it and most of those who haven't acted have problems with it. I shared my story in response to another person's thread, however, I'll give you the bottom line. My wife and I talked about this issue before we were married because she acted and also talked about it twice in the first 10 years of marriage. Every time she said she wouldn't do it because she knew I didn't like the idea (in fact, I told her before we were married that I knew that was something I couldn't handle and wanted it settled before we moved forward).Things change over the course of a relationship. We were married 25 years when she took such a role. There was a lot of physical intimacy (kissing, intimate touching, etc) but no simulated sex. What I learned from dealing with it, is that it hurts like hell when your mate is doing something she knows hurts you and then responds to your expressions of hurt by telling you it is your problem. While it is our own thoughts, feelings, and reactions they occur in a context in which our mate is co-writing with us. I learned that no matter what, at the end of the day it is up to your mate to make the decision and nothing you do will stop her...it is her free will. I use to see my wife act several times for each play that she is in. I no longer go nor do I want to every see it, hear about it, or know what she is doing. If she has the right to do it, I have the right not to have to be exposed to it. To me the meaning of kissing, etc is inherent in the activity of kissing ,etc. Whereas to my wife, meaning was only involved when it was with someone you cared about. However, she would also say you cannot kiss just anybody because it is a reflection of you as a person, but in a play it is a reflection of the character in the story not the actor. I once talked with a mate who was given an STI (HPV) from her husband who was an actor. It occurred in a simulated sex scene. Even though there is no penetration you can get an STI skin to skin. When I told it to my wife, I asked her if the husband's character only got the STI or did the actor too? Obviously, the actor contracted it and passed it onto his wife. My wife was not happy with me asking that question.Virtually all actors say it is not romantic because you have people looking at you, you are following a script and blocking, and thinking your way through the scene. While acting is "just acting" involving no more than blocking and wardrobe it still involves real people, with real emotions, with real physiological responses to touch and emotions. In closing, my wife and I have had major problems. The acting issue blew up a damn that we each used to control other issues. As long as we avoided them, which we knew we needed to, we had a great marriage. Unfortunately, the acting issue brought all of those to the surface. We have been in counseling 2 years still working it out. I hope that you both will find a way to work through it. You don't seem to have the history of marital dynamics that carry reactions to current situations. Best wishes!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2013): Once he gets to a certain age he will no longer be called on to do sex scenes, I'm sure! Until then, how about just not watching the performances. Maybe you could also take some acting classes and it might help you to see acting as a " mechanical " thing or like a job and help you to feel how it is not real.
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A
female
reader, Stelladra  +, writes (19 February 2013):
This is a really tough situation to be in and I don't know that any woman would like it. My question to you then is do you trust your husband? Does he have character in that he won't easily be swayed by a pretty girl? And in the end it boils down to what kind of a man he is. If he is trustworthy then you have to do that, just trust him. And try not to think that it's any more than a job for him. You can't tell him not to do it as acting is his passion and career. If it's a part you are really uncomfortable though like simulating sex maybe he coud take your feelings into account but my guess is most actors have to do love scenes so more than likely it's you who has to work on accepting it. I'm not in your situation but at one time my husband worked long hours with another woman and I could have got wortied but in the end I had to believe in him and trust him. And I know he would never cheat on me and we have a great marriage. It was fine and that woman got married and had twins and there was nothing for me to fear at all. So I'm glad I just let it go. Sometimes we have to just be confident that we are enough and that the worse thing we can do in a marriage is doubt our partners. Now if you don't trust your man then the problem is not his job. The problem is trust in your marriage. You have to decide. And if you are too insecure to be with a man who does this for a living then work on being less insecure via therapy or you'll have to move on but i think it would be a shame. But in the end trust is a two way street. And you have to decide whether you trust him or not. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2013): Hi,I'm not really sure on how you can deal with it... Can you not ask him to refuse those sort of roles as he is a married man? I have the same sort of issue with my boyfriend of 6 years who wants to be an artist and wants to attend life drawing classes, but also likes to look at porn. I don't like the idea of him looking at other women naked or having that sort of thing with anyone, but myself. My situation is a lot less intimate as yours, but i'm sure we feel the same pain. I think guys think of all this on a different level to us. They seem to just think it's fine to look and fine to do all that stuff as it's purely just for 'fun' to them. As long as they go home with you and love you, they think it's fine. I would feel the same way you do and feel it puts the marriage down. but I guess really as long as you both love each other, you can trust him and you are both ok with one another when he comes home then that's good. I'm sorry I can't really give you an answer, I just really wanted to let you know your not on your own. If I were you I would talk to him about it and ask him to refuse those sort of roles, fine by playing the love interest as long as it's not an intimate sex scene.You can only ask. If he says no, or if it's a role that is career defining, then it's difficult. Just be careful how you word it and not sound like your demanding it.
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A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (18 February 2013):
 He isn't cheating or doing anything wrong. I understand how you feel though. It's probably best to avoid watching any of those performances. Talk to your husband about how you feel, he probably finds those scenes really embarrassing - wouldn't you?! If acting is what he is passionate about then you can't stop him, but hopefully through talking you will see each others point of view.
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