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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I have been married for 17rs and have suffered some physical abuse from my husband and from my stepson, whom my husband stuck up for. We no longer have any common interests and i need the courage to leave but am frightened to lose everything. We have 2 children of our own and this will hurt them. Where would I stand financially? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, rhino  +, writes (11 October 2007):
 welll,what you should is firstly see a solictor,you we get legal aid,he we get you a court order,to remove both your husband and stepson from the house,also get the police involed,press charges,DONT NOT BACK DOWN BY DROPPING THEM LATER,YOU HAVE 2 OTHER CHILDREN TO THINK ABOUT,they will cope,i am not saying it wont be easy,but trust me time is a healer,and your 2 children will thank you for it,as for financially,you have the social and the csa to fall back to help.you must get them out of your house(husband and stepson)the solicior will get an court order banning them from the house,it is hard,do you have family,friends to help you with support,ask,you have made the first by asking advice on here,thats a start,remember we are here for you,but you got to remember which advice is your best advice.do not leave your house,people might tell you to leave,i am sorry to say,that is wrong advice,you have 2 other children to move them now,will be a big upheavel,wait,do not let him blackmail you but trying to kick you out,some people might tell you,you are entitled to half of everything,WRONG,as you have to 2 children at home you will be entitled to more,try at all times to remain calm,dont get into any slanging match with your children around,if he get angry and starts to shout at you,close the door if you can,call the police,i hope this helps you,and remember we are her to help you,GOOD LUCK,KEEP US UPDATED WITH YOUR PROBLEM,OK BYE
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female
reader, advicegirl +, writes (11 January 2007):
 look hun he's sticking up for his son when he's ABUSING YOU!I think you should1- go to the police2- get you and your kids out of the house3- press chargesbecause what he's done to you is just plain wrong and you don't want him starting on your kids because if he and his son are doin it to you who knows wht he could do next??good luck and GET OUT OF THERE!
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female
reader, black_diamond329 +, writes (6 January 2007):
 Hey there. I really feel for you on this one because my mum has been mentally abused by my dad for the past 20years that they have been married but she has always felt that she didn't have the money to leave him and with three kids she could never survive on her own and it wouldn't be fair to us. You never mentioned whether or not you had some close family (I know my mum didn't) but if you do have a close family member or even very trusted friend maybe you should talk it over with them. You shouldn't have to deal with this on your own hunni. If you have people there for you they will give you the strength to leave him and support after you do. I don't know what country you are from but if you are in the UK there are plenty of organisations that offer woman seeking to leave abusive husbands shelter if they can't provide their own and support in legal matters and with things that you don't have the strength to deal with yourself. I understand that the two of them have probably really battered your confidence and you are scared to move into a situation of great change for your kids but trust me its for the best. Watching years of my parents practically kill themselves has scarred me and my siblings emotionally and as a result. For example I refuse to drink alcohol that's how afraid I am of the effect it will have. Although you may think it would be better for your kids if you stay with him or you may feel that although he beats you you do have shelter, a home etc and history this is no excuse. I know it's really hard but for everyone's sake you have to get outta there cos even ur step bro and husband will think this is an ok thing to do and maybe if you walk out they will realise just how not norm it actually is to abuse woman. We live in an age now where things like this don't need to be put up with. There isn't support for woman now for nothing. Use it that's what it's there for. Your kids will will respect u more in the long run and so will you. Just think of all the other good men you could be with just now! Keep reminding yourself that you are an attractive woman who deserves so much better than this. No one deserves abuse like that no matter what your financial situation or history is ok?! If you need any organisation helplines or addys in ur area then message me and I'll try get a hold of them for u again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2007): As far as saving money, I did not mean for you to horde and stockpile oodles of funds, assests and cash in a secret bank account, somewhere and steal your husband blind. lol (Although, I'm sure some sparring couples have done this.) If you decide to dissolve this marriage and should you have to have move and pay initial costs of moving and getting resettled, plus clothing and feeding your kids-I see no problem with saving an emergency fund. And if you work yourself, watch that spending and do put some away. But as suggested before, go to a solicitor and get some advisement.
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female
reader, DeeDoc  +, writes (6 January 2007):
 HERE ARE MY THOUGHTS: Totally Unexceptable! Where the heck is my shoe??!! First of all honey, I applaud you for being so brave as to come on this site for advise for this particular matter. You will probably get lots of comments. I, for one, have been in your shoes. I am a survivor of physical abuse. But, you do NOT have to face this alone. Please, please check your yellow pages for S.N.A.P. Safety Net for Abused Persons. They can help, as they have helped me. They even helped me with my DIVORCE! I know that you feel trapped due to finances. But, you have to start somewhere. By the sound of it, this has been going on for some time. Please start stashing away dollars. Remember, you get 1/2 of everything, including the bills, so please be careful. You stated that the children would be hurt. But, how do you think they would feel knowing that they are the reason that you are staying in a marriage in which causes you bodily harm? They just might surprise you in their strength. Keep your head up my friend and know that there is life after an abusive relationship. You took the first step, that is always the hardest. If there is not a S.N.A.P. program in your area, please protect yourself and call 911! My heart goes out to you. XX
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female
reader, Darlene +, writes (6 January 2007):
 get out i found myself in that same kind of mess.we were
only married for 1yr and i got out.we had no kids together thank god.but i am happy and doing great.you can do it too.you and your kids will be much better off.it's better
to have one loving parent than two who fight all the time.
financially you will probaly get more help from him after you are out of there than you are getting right now.and you will no longer have to take the physical abuse.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2007):
Whoa. " start saving and stock piling your funds" can be construed as hiding marital assets. Dont forget that those funds, depending on the source, may be half his as well. Acting to conceal funds could prejudice your case in a divorce court.
I would caution you on acting without taking professional advice and considering it carefull yourself.
BTW- I get from the tone that you are not frightened physically, but financially. Any clarification?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2007): Yes, if physical abuse has entered into your marriage, then it is time to break the connection. You likely feel stuck and feel parlayzed to do anything, all because you think if you leave, you and the children will be destitute. I think you should start making plans to get you and your other children out of there. You need to not only protect yourself but you need to protect your children.
Start planning. You will need to get your finances in order. The first step would be to confer with a solicitor. Many of them give free consultations. Get some referrals from the Law society or trusted family/friends. You may find out that when a couple divorce, by law, one-half of eveything you and he own, is divided up. In many cases, the husband is required by court order to leave the marital home and the wife remains with the children. Some women who are planning to leave, will confer with a financial planner as well as a lawyer, to find out her own personal 'net worth'. Check at your bank, some offer this as a free service. A solicitor and a financial planner need to work together in helping you attain what you need, to move on. Don't forget, your husband will owe you ongoing child support per month until your children reach adulthood. Some tips, I have are that you need to do 'before' you leave and they are:
1) start saving and stock piling your funds.
2) If you have a vehicle that needs maintenace and repairs-then get that done. If any of your two children need dental, orthodontic, optometry care..get that done, now, before you leave. Sometimes if hubby has benefits from work, take full advantage and get all this done asap.
3)Do you have your own credit cards in 'just' your name? If so, try to pay down and eliminate all your own credit card debt. If you have joint card with hubby, do not use those cards to spend and get your name off the joint cards. This will prevent you from being held responsible for future debts he may incur. If you have your own card, try to pay that off and increase the limits on it, before you leave. This may help with future emergencies. This will also help you establish a personal 'good 'credit history' on your own.
What is most important now, is for you to make absolutely sure that your psychological health is stabilized before attempting to leave. Living with a man who physically abuses you, has likely damaged your self-esteem and sapped your strength. You will need to be strong. Yes ,your children will be hurt. Divorce is hard on the children but think of the overall damage they will witness, seeing Mom being hurt by Dad. After you leave, please think about 'family counseling' for you and the kids.
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female
reader, kad +, writes (5 January 2007):
u need 2 leave...the kids will understand. c a lawyer abt the financial situation. good luck!
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female
reader, Lilly223 +, writes (5 January 2007):
 First we cannot tell you where you will stand finacially because we don't know your financial situation, or where you live so we can offer you places to go and get help... but I CAN and will offer you advice about living in a situation where abuse is taking place.
It should not matter how much you will loose financially to you, it should matter how much self-respect, self-esteem, and sense of worth you AND your children will loose if you stay in a relationship like this. There is absolutely nothing positive that comes out of staying in an abusive relationship. It is harmful to your physical and emotional health. It is EQUALLY harmful to your childrens emotional health to witness physical abuse. Whether they actually SEE it or not, it does NOT matter they are still being damaged (life-long damage) every second you remain in this situation. I cannot imagine that one positive thing you may have in this relationship would make it worthwhile to tolerate, and accept the negatives.
First, you really DO need to go talk to someone that can offer you some help. As I don't know where you live I can only give you generalized answers.
Locate the nearest women's shelter, they may be able to offer you assistance or tell you where to get it. Talk to your physician, or social service office for the names of organizations that can help you.
Go see a counselor!! You do NOT deserve this treatment, you did nothing to ASK for it, and no one has the right to treat you this way.
I understand at this point there is little that you see that is possible for you because you feel there is no where to go, no one that will help you, and even that you may feel you don't deserve anything better. I am here to tell you that I was once in a situation very much like your own. It is possible to get out, it is possible to support yourself, it is possible to feel alive again, it is possible to feel happy, and like laughing at something. All this is possible if you can muster enough strength to make that first step and contact someone that can help you. You are not the only one in this situation, there are millions and millions of us that have gotten out of situations like this... it IS possible.
Gather your strength... and find someone to help you. Although you may feel there is no hope, no help out there, no one that cares... there is. Please take that first step even if it takes all the resource in your body to do it. You will NOT regret it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2007):
I dont know how anyone can respond to how she will do financially- we dont know what juristiction she is in or even what marital assets (if any)there are.
In general divorce is the number 1 cause of poverty. You ought to be planning to get some sort of career going and what arrangements you can make for child care. you may not be permitted by the court to move the children a long distance to where your family is, so you'll have a lot of factors in consider in this decision.
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female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (5 January 2007):
 Hi,
Financially, you are entitled to at least half of everything. If you have dependant's,i.e your children are still in education, you will possibly get more. As it will be you that will look after them.
On a second note. How brave of you to decide this. If this man has beaten you up in the past, and you have come to the decision,"enough is enough", it just goes to show people, it is never to late.
Your children will get over this, and to see their parent happy again would be better than living in the awfull cicumstances that they must have had to endure.
Do not let this man bully you anymore, seek advice if you can from a solicitor.
Normally, its a lot cheaper if you can deal with it all amicably. But from what you have said, that is probably not likely.
My advice to you would be to tell him the least amount you can, till you are safe enough to do so. As if he is violent you will need support.
Once again, well done, and i hope you will be really happy, and everything will be ok for you. XX
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