A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I need some advise, please help, I appreciate your honest opinions. It's a long one, but I want you to be as informed as possible, so I have more informed responses.I have been married 4 years, I married at 21, I met my husband at 17. I fell pregnant and had our first child at 19. At the time I was worried about being stereo types as a typical teen mother, previous to the pregnancy we have split up many times and very on/off relationship. I never thought I woukld end up with him. We decided to make ago of it, we were never a couple that were all over each other, no public displays of affection. I always thought he was 'doppy' for want of a better word, but his complete lack in common sense always made me laugh. We stayed together, just plodding along, until the next logical step was marriage, when I think back to my wedding day, we didn't spend hardly any of the time together and I particularly got very drunk, maybe I knew deep down it was all wrong. We consummate the marriage until well into the honeymoon, when I sort of thought this is ridiculars, we're going to have to do this, think back I wonder if these are all little warning signs. Any way we had a second child, as I didn't want my first to be an only child and the sibling to have a huge age gap. After having the second, after my maternity leave I decided to go back to a career I was pursuing with animals before I fell pregnant the first time, it was a tough choice as I liked the job were I was and I was earning a good salary, but it turned out to be the right choice for me, I couldn't be happier with that side of my life. Since starting my course I feel I've developed as a person, with my veiws on life, religion everything changing, which I guess will put stress on a relationship. Over the years the charm of my husbands lack of common sense has lost it's charm and just become annoying to me. I am now due to take a yr off from studies and then return for an Bsc hons top up yr. My husband works, he doesn't earn much, I've always earnt more than him, but at the moment whilst I'm working p/t as a student he is the main bread winner, he doesn;t abuse me, drink excessively etc... but I'm unhappy. I've been wondering about whether to leave him or not for some time, well mainly since I started my sourse which was 2yrs ago now, we have ups and downs as everyone does, but on the whole more downs. I've tried spending more time with him, hobbies, talking about our day, spicing up our night life, but it hasn't made any difference. Also a few yrs back I found text mesages on his phone, he was 22 at the time and he text a 17 girl from work asking if she wanted a quick shag, I confronted him and he said it was after a row and he was just angry, I let it slip, I still think to this day nothing happened there, but I do wonder if the girls reply had been different what would have happened. Since then recently this yr I've seen messages to an ex Gfriend from schools days saying he wished he had slept with her and she told him not to be silly, also another random lady he met on-line he obviously chatted her up and made comments on her 16yr old daughter, she also knocked him back, but all this makes me wonder if he did find someone who was interested in him, if he would cheat. I confronted him about the on-line lady and he just denined it, I said I had read the messages and he said nothing. I haven't brought the ex girl friend up. He also runs me down something rotten to this old frineds from school. Again not mentioned this as I guess I shouldn;'t have been snooping. Pretty much everything he does annoys me and puts me in a bad mood, which then makes me snappy, and I'm horrible to him for just being himself really, but I can't help it and I hate being like that. He is very negative towards our children, well just to the eldest really, always putting her down and sometimes rough handed with her which I hate, and this always ends up in an arguement, with his saying she did this and her crying and saying he did that, like two kids, when he;s meant to be an adult too. When I think about him leaving, I feel worried about how I'll cope on my own, with my studies and 2 kids, but I don't feel upset that he wouldn't be around. We're in alot of debt (from our wedding) which worries me too, at the moment finacially we are struggling and I guess that puts extra strain on a relationship. When I think of my future, it makes me sad to think of it being with him. If we did part I think we would still remain friends for the children, I don' think it would be a nasty split. I've told him how I feel, he doesn't say anything much, just sits there and says if you want me to go, I'll go, he says nothing he does is good enough for me and that is all he says, not matter how much I try to explain things. We've had this chat several times now though and each time things are better for a few weeks and then it goes back to how it was. He also has a bad temper, he doens't hit me or anything, but he snaps and shouts and the tiny things sometimes, he had agreed to go to anger management as he speaks in an awful manner to myself, my chldren and even strangers. Everything just keeps going round and round in my head. I have confided in my mum, but she says that it's a same I got with him in the first place and that she thinks I'll find it hard on my own, I think deep down she thinks I won't part from him as I've been here so many times and always just carried on plodding along with him. Please help by offering your advise.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2008): You can't stay with someone you have no respect for. Its over from your side regardless of his.
If he knew how you felt towards him he would want out also.
Time to part i'm afraid.
Good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know you are right with my options, I have been trying to make the marriage work for some time and it's not something I can do on my own, he understands how I feel, but he is happy with how things are, so he says. So I guess I just need to take the first step.
btw: my first child was conceived whilst I was on the contraceptive pill (which I was not sick with, took correctly etc..) which is what lead to staying together and marriage, now I wish we had never tried to 'make a go of it', it would have been easier living with the stereo types and being a single 19yr old mum.
I already work p/t, so I could up my hours, we've already discussed if it came to parting he would move out to avoid up rooting the children, I have a yr out from studies so I could use the to sort myself out and I could change my degree next yr to p/t. So I guess really it's down to me to take the first step,it's just so difficult, but in the end, I think once the dust has settled we will both be relieved. If he was happy, he wouldn't have been tempted to look else where so much. *Sign*, it makes so much more sense wrting it all down like this. Thank you for your advise.
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A
male
reader, flahammerhead  +, writes (18 September 2008):
Yes your story is sad and yet seems to be common. In short you were young when you married, had children to "have children" instead of seeing it as building a family together with your husband. Having children under the circumstances you did was a major mistake.Both of you were way too young when you married and even give yourselves chances to build an individual life first. Now there are kids and additional responsibility.You have two choices, either do your best with what you have (all you can do is work on yourself and your marriage yourself), or move out, take a job and do the best you can starting out alone. The stress will be compounded with children that will miss their daddy and wondering what happened too.We all are free to make choices and sometimes may really bad ones. The adult learns to understand that, and deal with and make the best of those choices.Peace
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