| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi guys, My husband and I are writing this together. It's about his mum - my MIL. We all get along fine and we take care of her (she's 80 years old), but we live in different countries and the pandemic has drastically changed her life. Before she was active, had a wide circle of friends. Now? NOTHING. Some of her closest friends have died. There's nothing going on in her life and she still has to observe some of the restrictions. We invite her to come over for holidays (she can't stay longer due to some visa restrictions), but we cannot replace her friends. We call her all the time and find things for her to do (films to watch, books to read...), but...She's terribly lonely and that makes her vulnerable.Not to mention that she started doing all sorts of weird things.Speaking of weird, she goes to see poeple she doesn't personally know, that she has only heard about starts talking to them. I understand she misses human contact and attention, but this is really bad. Yesterday she went across town for no reason at all other then to "stumble upon" a friend of mine who works in a bakery. Then she started chatting with her as if she knew her. This friend called me later just to let me know. I must say that they both have two different versions of event. I haven't told to my MIL anything personal about that friend of mine. She only knew that I have a friend who works there... She stayed there for far too long, talking endlessly about my husband and me. It was awkward. My friend didn't complain, she was worried and thought I should know. I think that my MIL is aware how weird this behavior is, so she tried to lie about it. What's even more worrying is how gulible she has become. We had to change her locks because she had given her appartment keys to a neighbor she barely knew! All of a sudden this woman has become her "best friend". We've met her. It's difficult to say if she's "good people" or not. What bugged us is this: my MIL told us that it was this neighbor's idea to "exchange keys in case something happens". When we decided to change locks (btw it's my appartrment we're talking about), my MIL was upset because she didn't want her neighbor to think ill of her. I won't even go there why would this person think ill about us doing what we want in our home.She's not demented. And thankg God she's in excellent health. She's lonely and I think depressed. As I said, she had a very active life before the pandemic (she taught dance at a private school) and 4 of her closest friends have died and one has gotten soem sort of a very fast acting dementia.She's refusing to join some of the local groups, because "that's for old people". Unfortunately, she has somewhat of an ego-trip. She was always looking down upon elderly who are just enjoying their pensions. She always had to prove how better she is than them - she "worked for chrissakes" while they were going on outings together! Even now she can't stop talking how she's exercising in the park, while "they" are just sitting on benches.I understand that she used this to lift her spirits up, but it is still bad. For her in the first place. We could pay for a person to come from time to time to check up on her and do some chores. But as you can guess, she won't hear of it. Therapy? Lord no! If you ask her.We just don't know what to do... depression in elderly who are still of sound mind is a big problem. Thank you!
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female
reader, RitaBrown  +, writes (8 June 2022):
You're welcome.
I still think your mother probably has dementia though - it's just not at the stage where it would show up on brain scan.
The dog idea is good if she likes dogs. You could also enroll her in dog training classes.
And if you do get someone to help her, try and make it sound like it's actually the other way round - that she's who's helping them. My mother (who DOES have dementia) was very resistant to having a carer initially just so my Dad could go out a few times a week. We found a suitable carer and we told Mum that she was a student who needed to improve her English. Mum (who had been a teacher) was delighted to help...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2022): Thank you for your answers!
Yes, she was tested and the doctors said there's no dementia. WHat they did say was how common this was - loneliness and depression.
The clubs we found are not only for the elderly, except for a fitness/yoga thing for obvious reasons. I just hope that she will adjust, because she's vulnerable to all sorts of scams.
Last night she called us because she wanted to buy a gadget from a friend she hadn't talked to in a while and that called her out of the blue. Yous ee what I'm getting at? We were thinking about buying her a small dog and paying a youg women to come see her and help her with the dog from time to time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2022): Not sure why you say she is of sound mind. I know several people with dementia who sound quite similar to her.
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A
female
reader, RitaBrown +, writes (8 June 2022):
Firstly, are you SURE your mother doesn't have a dementia? Has she been tested? Dementia can be quite hard to spot in the early stages if people expect memory and confusion to be the only signs. Some dementias first manifest as odd behaviour (such as impulsivity). Try raising your concerns to your mothers doctor.
If your mother doesn't have dementia and has full capacity, then there's probably not a great deal you can do that you're not doing already.
You're mother is an adult and adults of sound mind are permitted to make their own decisions on how they live their lives. Even if others don't approve.
I don't know what kind of groups you suggested to your mother but perhaps you should consider activities that aren't the traditional "older person" clubs. Perhaps she can volunteer somewhere or even get a little job. (The lady who answers phones and sweeps up hair at my hairdressers is 82)
Or perhaps a group such as a choir or an amateur theatre company which should have members of all ages might appeal to her more. My theatre company has many silver-haired members who are still running up and down ladders and wielding power tools.
But it's your mother's choice.
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