A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Need some help.... recently my Husband and i have been arguing alot, almost on a weekly basis. He says very nasty hurtful things and the tone in which he says these things is as if he really hates me. I've tried talking to him about it but he tells me not to be so stupid and makes me feel small for even mentioning it. I take to heart the things he says, he is also getting more and more aggressive and these arguements are normally over small matters, i don't know what to do, he is hurting me, i'm feeling very down. Please help x Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Dayzy  +, writes (16 January 2013):
I am living in a similarly bad situation and am sorry to say have been doing so for 35 years. The pattern is abusive behaviour, denial, lying or altering the truth, reluctant admission, promises to change but doesn't. He doesn't seek any help for his anger issues. I have married a person who is very selfish, rude and full of rage. He doesn't want to change and I don't know if he can. I stayed with him at itmes because of financial reasons. I also stayed with him and suffered terribly for 20 years of his worst behaviour when I joined a church. I don't advise talking to a pastor because of their views on wives submitting. I suggest instead talking to your GP or a proper health professional. I found Relationships Australia helpful for some practical tips. Right now my husband thinks he is the victim because I just don't like him anymore. I try not too spend too much time with him because it is detrimental to my mental/emotional health. I can't do anything about his perpetually bad mood but I try to compensate by having some positive experiences in my life.
A
female
reader, shouldhavebeengone  +, writes (18 July 2011):
Mine is the same way,after 30 yrs.don't even.
Want to bath. No teeth and said don't want any stinks.
Lost his liscense been over 20 yrs. Never tried to
Get them back, wanna come to bed withou a bath, eat dinner while looking at tv. Put the plate in the floor. I say one word its war.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2010): I think you should get rid of the abusive nut, before you are too old to find a decent guy! There is a wise saying that goes like this, "Make hay while the sunshines!" Take it from one who should have done what I am suggesting you do a long time ago! Good luck to you, and get counseling before you get another lemon!!!!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 April 2009):
 Just curious, does either you or your husband drink to excess?
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A
female
reader, Jaime1  +, writes (17 April 2009):
I am going through the same thing my boyfriend is getting very nasty in arguments and I find it very hurtful to I dont answer back with nastiness I just ignore the comments but he keeps going I am not sure what to do as once the arguments over and he goes he texts me and says sorry expecting me to forgive him straight away and I cant its really hurtful stuff that he is saying so I now how your feeling.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2008): Hi there!Not knowing the full details here..looking on the outside you could leave him if it is serious and dangerous to your health etc...OR you can try detaching as one person cannot argue with themselves. This does not mean doormat, it is actually a strenghthtning technique for you..so he says hurtful words...let him! but leave them with him and just REMOVE yourself out of his verbal attacks and occupy yourself. Take nothing to heart understand that this badness is coming from him. I know this is possible because i have done it with a verbal abuser which many will say you should have just left, not always the only answer. REACTION is feeding the abuser and giving your streghnth away to them and the argument grows. Be kind even and if that technique dont work...leave the shit head and get someone who is not hard work.
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (2 September 2008):
 No marriage should be like this. There should be mutual understanding, but unfortunately I have read that this is a really common problem. You're not stupid, your husband isn't respecting your feelings. It is true that almost all couples argue, but there is a difference between healthy, and unhealthy arguing. When nasty, hurtful things are being said... it's unhealthy. Regardless of who is right, there is no excuse for him to be nasty and hurtful. Has he always been hateful like this? If it's out of character for him... have you thought that there may be a PHYSICAL cause for his aggressive behavior? If he was docile, and suddenly became aggressive, then there's a very real possibility that something physiological is causing him to be this way. I've read about cases where a docile husband became abusive and cruel, almost overnight, and it turned out that he had a brain tumor and it had altered his brain to the point where he wasn't himself. I hope that this isn't the case with your husband, and it's not likely, but he needs to see a doctor because various physiological problems can cause people to not be themselves. His brain chemistry may be to blame, but there are various medications. He may need medicine to keep that in check.The best solution I can think of is to insist that he see a counselor with you, or to talk to a minister, pastor, or priest. Stand up for yourself, and don't let his mean comments get you down, because he is abusing you and you don't deserve that. Abuse isn't always physical, and hurtful comments are verbal abuse, just as physically hitting someone is physical abuse. Unfortunately nothing we say is going to change your husband, but you can always talk to us here on this site for support, and to vent.
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