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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I feel that my husband an I are both unhappy and have been for a while. I don't think that we are dissatisfied with each other and our marriage per se, but the difficult situation we have been living in for over a decade has taken its toll and we are both in our early forties.Neither he nor I have been doing the jobs we love. In that sense, we both feel trapped. Living in a city we do not like (I mean we would both prefer to move to the country, but there's no work there), constantly overworked, we don't very often feel very hopeful about our future. It seems that we will continue living this "life of quiet despair" forever. We like spending time with each other, have fun together, sex is good (but this too was influenced by the stress).I have taken on more responsibilities regarding our home (mostly doing the cleaning, cooking, taking care of our dog) because his work is more stressful than mine. He has been trying to participate more, but more often than not he would say he'd do something and than just either not do it or complain. Endlessly. And I get him. He feels as if he doesn't have a moment for himself. I on the other hand, have a happier nature. I do things without complaining. I'm not comparing myself favorably to him. We are just different. But I do see a difference in him when we spend some time in the country. He loves it there. He loves the manual work and lack of social pressures. He's his old self. Anyway, for years we have felt trapped as I said. Working and working but not being able to put enough money on the side to really make a change in our lives. In the past two years it has become obvious that we have been paying a pretty big price. My husband has had two operations (hip and knee) and was put on meds by his shrink. To simplify, one to make him more productive and help him concentrate, and the other to calm him down. He's been losing his hair, feeling tired and miserable all the time. Through all his health problems I was there taking care of him for over 6 months, our home and working two jobs. We don't have any kids, but believe me that taking care of a chronically ill dog can be demanding at times. Even the dog got sick in this period! I too started having health problems that our family doctor was only too eager to write off as a psycho-somatic. Fortunately, I looked for a second opinion and it turned out I have a serious genetic condition that can be managed. While I never believed that it was all in my head, I do believe that the stress and the the dissatisfaction have manifested themselves as this illness. What surprised me was my husband's reaction. He was NEVER like that. I know that it could be the meds and depression , but he showed a tremendous lack of empathy and constantly complained about having to do things I normally do. It was too much for him, everything was hard, (shopping, taking care of the dog, he did no cooking since I couldn't eat). We are taking about less than a week that I spent in bed unable to move in horrible pains before the medication started working. I know that men can show fear and worry in different ways, but his behavior made me feel like a burden. When he was not complaining he would just watch something on the laptop. He's yet to learn what my condition really is (he never went to see the doctors with me). I love him and I know that he loves me too, but this is horrible. If we stay the way we are now, we are going to suffer or one of us will leave. I still think that there's hope for us, I just don't know how to make the first step towards changing our lives. We live in a typical capitalistic society hit by the crisis where there's no room for experiment. We both fear that if we just quit and blow up our lives we would be left with nothing, but living like this is literally killing us. I started talking abut the changes we need to make and he seemed relieved that even in my most difficult times I recognize his own despair. Hopefully it's a good start, I just don't know where to go from here. Thank you all for taking the time to read and for your suggestions!
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (17 October 2017):
 What jobs do you guys love? I mean who is stopping you both trying to achieve what you want? Living in the city is expensive, and for what? If you want to be in the country then go and be in the country. There are plenty off options to choose from do not be afraid to break free and try something new.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2017): Thank you Youcannotbeserious for your kind words and suggestions!For years we have been on mostly veggie/fruit diet with fish and poultry and very rarely meat. We try to buy as much produce directly from farmers, which is, as you can imagine, difficult when you live in a city, but we actually like making that effort. Our dog too is on home-prepared food. We're doing our best to use the right "fuel" as you said.And I know it he's helped us a lot to survive up to now.However, no matter how much we take care of ourselves physically, nothing will change until we get off the wheat. Last night we had a fire in our building, everything ended well and nobody was hurt, but one part of me wandered what would have happened if it all burned to the ground and we could just take start building from the ground up.I have been thinking a lot about finding a way to work from home. What your friend did is amazing! I can totally relate with what she said about being alive for the first time. We too feel enslaved. Once you become aware of your own position you cannot go back into the "matrix" and pretend to enjoy eating an imaginary stake.Most of our friends are if not happy than at peace with living the way they do. They just do not understand us. Frankly, I have noticed that when I do try to convey how we feel we make them uncomfortable. Thank you again for your encouragement!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (15 October 2017):
 Stop the world! I want to get off!
You and your husband both sound like you are stuck on the hamster wheel, going faster and faster but not moving anywhere. You are coping slightly better than your husband but neither of you are happy. You are not alone. There are so many people who are living their lives in this futile desperate way. You are lucky (in a sense) because you understand the bigger picture and what is going on.
You have realized your lifestyle is actually making you physically ill. One thing I would suggest is trying to eat as healthily as possible. "Health care" is not about medication but about our total lifestyle. If you put rubbish fuel in a car, it may keep running but it will not run as efficiently or as long as if you give it good quality fuel. The same goes for bodies (human and canine alike). Making simple changes to your diets could make a huge difference to you. Eating organic fruit and veg, experimenting with cutting out dairy products or meat or other products which people have built up intolerances to without even realizing could actually make you function better physically and, hence, feel better mentally. Feeding your dog good quality food will also help his/her health. (Many commercial dog foods are full of cereal which canines cannot even digest.)
Is there ANYTHING you and your husband could do to set up your own businesses which could be home-based? That way you would not need to live in the city.
In the meantime, can you make time to escape to the country as often as possible, with your lovely dog, even if it is only for a couple of hours? Enjoy your time there. Try to switch off from thinking about your work or anything else you find stressful and just live in the moment.
Could you perhaps get an allotment? Would this help you both to unwind? Or could you find some other hobby you could enjoy outdoors together? Hiking perhaps, which you could do with your dog? Or would your dog enjoy fly ball or agility classes? He/she would not need to be good at it, just enjoy it.
Sending hugs because it is very difficult to see a way out when you are peddling as fast as you can just to stay in the same spot. You need to decide what is IMPORTANT to you and then prioritize that. Your health - mental and physical - (yours, your husband's and your dog's) obviously need to be top of your list, as does your marriage. Most other things are not really vital to your existence or happiness. I hope you can work out a way to live a simpler but happier and healthier life.
A friend of ours worked for many years in a bank. She worked her way up the career ladder very efficiently but found the work very stressful. She said she felt like a modern day slave as she was "living the job", never switching off. Even when she took holidays, she was thinking about work and taking her laptop with her to stay in contact. The bank decided it needed to make redundancies and asked for volunteers. She volunteered, took her pay-off and invested in her own on-line business, selling good quality and designer clothes on an internet selling site. She has moved to a nicer but cheaper area because where she lives is no longer important with regard to her work. She works less hours than she previously did, enjoys her job enormously and, even though she makes less money than she did, she has a much better lifestyle and tells us she feels "alive" for the first time in years.
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