A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have had a friend for about 30 years. We met as small children and have been "best friends" since. She has actually been fake and shady toward me since childhood. She would treat me differently depending on who was around. I was not strong enough to leave her alone then, I was just a child, though I am sure some children would have left the friendship. Over the years she has blasted my secrets to boyfriends and mutual friends if she felt I was in the wrong for something. Weird because she has been in the wrong many times and I would never and have never done that to her.She has been cheating on her husband on and off for years. She is head-over-heels for a married man she saw briefly in high school that basically comes around on occasion for sex. Her husband, then boyfriend, almost left her once because of this man. She would not take no for an answer if he could not see her. She would go as far as getting hotel rooms in which he stood her up repeatedly. They have mutual associates so if one of them had an event she would try to get there hoping to see him.He went to Texas for his birthday and she flew herself there because "you could come if you want". She asked me to go and I agreed, she then casually slipped in that he and his friends would be there, I would not have agreed had I known. The trip turned into being all about her.This is the part that is weighing heavy on me. The friend that was with him is her male "best friend". When I first met him she had asked me to go to a restaurant with she and the male best friend because she wanted to "take him for drinks to celebrate his masters." She also, conveniently, invited the married man she is crazy about. They all drank and ate on her dime and the male best friend seemed to be attracted to me. She conveniently got a hotel room that night so she could "have a place to change" but I know why she did it. So we all went back to the room and her male best friend and I left them alone so they could have sex. The male best friend and I walked around the hotel talking and it was a good convo. I started seeing him for a time and my friend always wanted to set up a group thing in which the married guy she is crazy about always stood her up. So she would be the 3rd wheel. I eventually slept with this man. He was not what he cracked up to be and we don't talk now. I wish I had not done it. But, she eventually let it out that she used me in that situation to be close to the man she wanted. It dawned on me a couple of days before she mentioned it...and hurt. Can you believe I didn't see it in the beginning?I regret not asking her to explain her actions further and she told me this months ago, as a matter of fact, she told me during her birthday dinner where I spent $300 for just she and I. It was a 5 star place. It is extremely hard for me to stand up for myself and that is something I am currently working on. Can I bring that back up now and ask for further explanation?So, since the married guy finally announced that he wants absolutely nothing to do with her she has been seeing a number of taken men all within the last two months. Using them for money, and having sex with them. I am shocked. Has she always been this way is something I wonder.I recently celebrated my birthday with a vacation to a major city. I booked two 5 star hotels and we stayed at both just on separate nights. She was too busy texting with one of her men, then her husband caught her and she spent hours trying to convince him he was crazy. She then talked to the guy through her google voice number and the husband saw that and read the messages. Mind you, she KNEW her husband had her old phone fixing it up for their daughter. He had access to everything, he also works for her cell phone carrier.So she spent most of my birthday texting, sleeping, and lying to her husband. Meanwhile I am spending thousands of dollars, and paying for her to eat and drink too because she didn't have enough money.It was so bad her husband asked her to apologize to me. I know this because she had him on speaker phone while she was lying and he was asking her if she wanted a divorce. She then met up with him (it was preplanned) and she was with him a few hours. I literally could not wait for her to get back and get her things and leave. Like a fool, we had drinks when she got back, and food. She was huffing and puffing like she was spending so much that I took care of the bill. I was tipsy and really nice by then. I stayed two extra days and that was the best part of my birthday.She apologized for ruining my birthday. Ya'll I am hurt. I know I have to blame myself too for being weak. But still I am hurt. I want her out of my life. I also noticed when the guy she wanted disappeared on her, she would disappear on me.How do I go about this? We call each other bestie all over social media and all of that so it is almost like a public break up. I would like to know why she would use me like that, had I known I would never have slept with that man. I don't know if he was in on it or not.Lastly, I am in a position where I do not have to work at all and I still have money. I live a life of luxury and I am grateful for that. I am not bragging, I thought that was an important detail because maybe there is jealousy there. She lives check to check because she tries to live beyond her means. Thus I end up paying for most everything whenever we get together.
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best friend, divorce, jealous, married man, money, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (17 October 2017):
 I do hope OP that you find the strength to walk away from her, it does not need to be public just because off Social Media. Stay strong and stop allowing her to use and abuse you as a friend.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2017): Thank you both for your answers. They are exactly what I needed to hear. I greatly appreciate your words and I am already better for it. I am learning steps to take to become stronger and walk away from the friendship.You two were so accurate about me and the situation, thank you so much!I really mean that.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (15 October 2017):
 I can understand you are hurt BUT you have ALLOWED all this to happen. People only treat us as badly as we ALLOW them to treat us. Had you stood up to her and called her out on her behaviour, she would either have treated you with a bit more respect or your friendship would be over by now.
I am sure I am not saying anything you don't already know when I say, this woman is a selfish user. She pulls your strings because you are easy to control and because you have money. End of. I wonder how long she would bother being your "friend" if you stopped paying for stuff and stopped being a doormat?
I am not sure she is "jealous" of you but she does seem to have a sense of entitlement to what is yours. You cannot buy friendship. Do you have other friends? Would you be happier if, perhaps, you took on a job? It would not have to be paid work but, maybe, voluntary work in a sector you feel passionately about? What DO you feel passionate about? Homelessness? Old people? Animals? Children? Saving the planet?
You are intelligent enough to already know what your problem is. Now be strong enough to do something about it.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (15 October 2017):
 Well, your post is one long moan about your "friend". Actually it should be about you. You know what this person is like and yet you still allow her into your life.
If it troubles you as much as you say then do something - drop her.
If you can see that you are being used and you still let it continue who is the fool? You act as if you are helpless in the situation. Wake up! Don't do, 'poor me'. Take control. You will find your decisions empowering.
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