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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been with my hubby for 17 years (married ten years and have children.In the last 6 months things have just got worse. I admit that I no longer want to be intimate with my hubby and he has got more annoyed saying I need to see a sex therapist or saying that he will go on the internet to start looking.I offered to go to marriage counselling with him but he there was no point in it as it wouldn't help it and then I said I would go to sex therapy with him if it would help but I couldn't guarantee any miracles to which he replied there was no point in going then.I started going to counselling myself and have realised that I have tried everything to try and get my hubby to come with me. My counsellor told me about sensate so I showed it to my hubby who said there was no point in doing it because I wouldn't want to do it.Then things came to a head last week when he said that if he was making love again then he would be a very happy person and I would be happy then as well (and I said why did he feel that). I am trying to see it from his point of view but I also want him to see mine as well. He has threatened twice to go on the internet and find someone and I told him to do it (yes I know I am silly for doing that).I said about sensate to him again and he said well I have been waiting for you to initiate it. I said do you realise that sensate is all about touch for the first couple of weeks and not arousing each other at all and he said we don't need to go to a counsellor for this, we can do it ourselves and why should we stop if we get worked up there is no rule against it.Anyway today when I went to log into my email account his other one was still open and I noticed that he had joined a website. That didn't bother me until I realised it was for alternative (kinky, bondage etc) and that actually upset me. I think my concern is that he said that he would bring a woman who he met on a website back to the house and I would have to let her in and sit downstairs while he was enjoying himself with her (its his way of trying to shock me to get intimate with him again).To add to everything as well I have just lost a friend who died suddenly in the last two days and seeing this has just made me want to walk away.I haven't felt 'loved' by him for a long time and thats why I have pushed him away and I thought by going to counselling it would help for both of us to speak through a neutral person about it.So I don't whether I am being illogical about all of this or whether I have tried everything to get him to go to counselling with me.
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female
reader, Senate_78  +, writes (13 November 2009):
Women have intimacy issues for many reasons, health, stress, kids etc. You aren't alone.
This isn't just your problem, you and your husband need to work together or things will only get worse. Pushing you and telling you he'll find it elsewhere isn't a good thing either.
Maybe go away for the weekend alone, to talk and re-connect. Or spend a surprise night in a hotel, or try a couples sex class.
Good luck :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): "I think my concern is that he said that he would bring a woman who he met on a website back to the house and I would have to let her in and sit downstairs while he was enjoying himself with her (its his way of trying to shock me to get intimate with him again)."
Which is doing just the opposite, right?
His threat screams "emotional abuse" to me. No wonder you're not feeling attracted to him! I would look for a book at the library on emotional abuse and how to spot it, and see if there are other things he's said to you in the past that point to emotional abuse. Best of luck, I hope you can keep up your self-esteem through this trying time!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (10 November 2009):
I knew when I was reading this that you were going to say you had't felt loved by him. Tell him to his face that you haven't felt truly loved by him for a long time, and that his threats to join sites are making it worse. Tell him that the only way for him to get you to open up again is to come with you because you need him to listen and understand you, rather than just want you for sex. Men sometimes respond to direct action, and this might work.
However, if he doens't listen or try, then perhaps you need to think about whether or not you want to remain married to a man who won't listen to you or make you feel loved. I really hope it works out for you.
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