A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for about 6 years and am not in love with my husband anymore but am trying to work things out for our 2 year old daughter. I am in love with another man and have tried to stop communication with him but can not. The feelings take over me. Sometimes I feel like saying the heck with what people will say about me and follow my heart but then again I think about my child. My husband has said he doesn't love me anymore but wants to try to work it out. We went to couple's therapy but I felt it was of no help. Could it be that he is trying to "work it out" because he knows there's another person who is interested in me? What should I do? Follow my heart or sacrafice for the welfare of my daughter? Please help!!! I need other peoples opinion other than my mothers and bff. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2012): It is obvious why your marriage is/has failed: its because of your adultery. Therefore marriage counselling has failed as well.
Do you really think your other man is making long term plans with you. For now, its all about the Now. So yes now your other man may want you but do you really think that he wants to invest with a cheater. He may want to have sex with you, but to spend the rest of his life with you. NO! So be very wise. Very very wise: you say you do not love your husband. Why? Because you have been sniffing around another man and vice versa. That is why your marriage has failed. Because YOU threw it away.
Your husband has told you he doesnt love you as well. Lets face it, what is there to love about you right now. You had another man. You replaced your husband. So what really should he love? Do you get it? Hey at least he tried to be a decent man and he went to counselling with you. Knowing that you dont want him but want someone else.
And your precious precious 2 year old: caught in the mess made by you. You want to protect her? Really be the best mum you can be? Then get your act together. Thus far you have been far from a good role model to her. Clean up your act. For Good.
Whether you stay with your husband is up to you. But learn to do the right thing. having another man in your life while being married is NOT the answer to your marital woes. Lets face it: who wants to make a life with a cheater?
Time for you to make wise choices. Hey and dont worry about the people: if you give them ammmo they will gossip, after all they will just be repeating the truth, wont they?
LoveGirl
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2012): I remember me as a child, living in beautiful home with a white picket fence ect... My parents used to fight and hate eachother. Sometimes the silence was worse than the fighting. They finally decided to divorce when I was 19 y.o My mom stayed with my dad throughout those terrible years only for the sake of my sister and I. Thinking she did the right thing.
I swore that I would never put my children through that situation! When my marriage turned sour, I did the right thing and left with no man waiting for me.
It sounds like you need to leave your husband regardless if this new relationship works out or not. Have some pride and don't subject your baby girl to an unhealthy marriage. It could affect her in a bad way. Good luck ;)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2012): I never understand when couples try to work out their awful relationship with each other for the sake of the child. if you're just incompatible or you've hurt each other too deeply to be able to trust each other, you can only have any chance to improve the relationship if you actually want to because you still want each other, not because someone else (the child) would want it.
If you've both made the decision to stay together for the sake of the child that's fine, but realize that it is a very different goal from solving your relationship issues. Staying together for the sake of the child means that you essentially may have to forfeit the chance to have a happy fulfilling adult relationship because that is not your goal for your marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): "Follow my heart or sacrifice for the welfare of my daughter?"You should not sacrifice yourself for your daughter because:(a) this is not a life-or-death situation that actually requires a sacrifice. It's not like you're on the sinking Titanic ship where you do sacrifice yourself for your kid because the alternative is dire. It's not like you're living in a famine where there's not enough food so one of you has to starve in which case any sane parent would sacrifice themselves for their kid. But staying in a marriage is nothing like that dire or drastic a situation so don't make out like it is. Your kid will cope if you divorce her father. (b) Given it's not a life-or-death situation, what's to be gained from sacrificing yourself for your kid's preference? your kid does not get to decide who you marry or who you share your bed and your most intimate moments with. It's your life, your body, your emotional welfare so it's your choice. Your kid will have to learn to adapt to new situations and you will have to help her with that and support her and be a role model. That's all.Life is messy, people make mistakes. The key is not to cover up the mistakes and create a lie for the benefit of your kid to think their home is something it's not, but to openly solve your problems in a constructive way. You've already tried to improve your relationship with your husband, and it's not working. So move on already.
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A
male
reader, eek  +, writes (25 April 2012):
 You know why your current relationship is not working. It's because your after another man. If you want your relationship to work cut contact with the other man and concentrate on your family, if you don't really care about making it work (which is what it sounds like from your post) have the decency to finish with your husband before you chase the other guy. I feel sort for your husband. Hopefully if you leave him he will find someone that will stick to her marage vows.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (25 April 2012):
 You should move on. It's not better for your child to grow up in a loveless marriage than to go through a divorce, especially if you NEVER EVER fight in front of her after the divorce. Stay civil/friendly. Divorces are mostly traumatic when the child sees her parents fighting about it, not as much the separation part. My parents got divorced when I was 5 and it was not traumatic to me in any way. I was confused at first, but I got over it quickly. Like Honey Pie said, you're not doing your daughter any favors staying in a marriage that isn't working. She is surely picking up on the problems.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 April 2012):
 I think the best thing you can do is end one relationship before you jump into a new one.
If you and your husband both don't love each other no more, why stay together? What would that teach your child?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): OP what's to work out? You don't love him, he doesn't love you so there is no basis on which to work anything out is there?
OP you've put a hell of a lot thought into this already haven't you? But you're being ruled by emotion here and are not thinking clearly and logically.
First off OP being raised in a loveless, unhappy environment with two unfulfilled parents is not in the best interests of your daughter at all is it? She'll only learn that it's better to stay unhappy with a person you don't want to be with for the wrong reasons. She'll have to grow up in a home with two people who are frustrated, unhappy and may end up resenting each other and feeling trapped.
Better to have two parents that enjoy their lives separately than two people who think they can live a lie until she has grown up.
Secondly your emotions are getting better of you with regards to this guy. Sure you may love him, sure he may seem just amazing and perfect but he's a cheater OP, he's emotionally cheating with you and he can't be trusted. You may try to excuse it any way you want, you may truly believe you're somehow special or that he's a nice guy really but you'd be an idiot to think that OP. He's a cheater and he has no problem wooing a woman that is already spoken for and justifying it with the age-old "she's unhappy in her relationship so it's okay" He is going to bleed you dry and throw you away when he's finished and if he can cheat with you he will cheat on you too.
Your marriage is over, you tried to save it so you can hold your head high ending it. But don't think for one second this other slimy douche is going to be your salvation, your mother, your bff have both probably warned you about this. He is not a good reason to leave your marriage. Leave it because it's over and set up an independent life for yourself and focus on your daughter. That other guy is an opportunist creep and more than likely will walk away once he feels he's got you.
Your friend and mother are right in respect of you thinking that you can "follow your heart" and leave your husband for another guy some kind of romantic fling. You're a mother OP, you quite literally can't afford to run off and take such huge risks for such a crappy reason as this other guy seems so amazing. You deserve to have love, to date and all that kind of stuff but you can't just blindly follow your feelings like that, you have to take much more mature and practical approach to this. You have to deal with your marriage without interference from this other guy, you have to resolve the situation and perhaps figure out the best way forward for you and your husband without each other and this other guy cannot have any part or be considered in any way in relation to this.
Your feelings for him can have no part in your decision at all. So maybe asking him to take a step back while you resolve or end your marriage is the best way. If you just cut and run to make a break of it with this guy then things will blow up in your face and you could be left with a broken heart and broken family. Deal with your marriage and once you've taken the best possible route in that regard, ensured your daughters long term happiness, financial security and dealt with all the custody stuff and practical matters, have established yourself as an independent woman and mother, then you can do whatever you like. Don't blindly follow your feelings, it's not only your heart that is at stake.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): The only way you will see if your marriage is going to work is if you stop all contact with the person you are having an affair with.
Go with you husband to couples counselling and really try and put things right. It sounds like you and your husband have drifted far apart and this needs to be addressed.
I dont believe that you should stay in an unhappy marriage just because of the kids, rather be happy and single than unhappy and married - the effects on children who have seen and felt the unhappiness in their parents lives affects them years later.
But to give your marriage a fair chance, both you and hubby must go to marriage counselling, and work at sorting out the problems within the marriage.
One other thing, you are in LUST with the other man - you only see the side of him that he wants you to see, whereas you see your husband with all his warts and all.
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