A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:help! when i married my husband, he had 3 grown children who are now 26, 29 and 30. they have not achieved as he would like and hold menial jobs though all are college educated. they don't accept his counsel or advice and often start disastrous relationships. the problem is that my husband refuses to see them as they really are. he is always bragging about how smart, beautiful, and intelligent they are. he wants me to agree with him and back up his assertions, but i just can't. for instance, right now he is obsessed with the idea that his daughter "Amanda" should be an FBI agent. Amanda has no interest or ability to be an FBI agent. she has a degree in mechanical engineering, speaks fluent German, but works as a cleaner of horse stables. Her ambition is to eventually work with small children. my husband becomes very angry and distant with me if i won't agree that yes, Amanda would be a wonderful FBI agent. this happens in public and in private! he also has other issues like this, for instance saying that he's going to tell them to bring food over when they come to visit so i won't have to work so hard, and i tell him not to bother, they won't do it anyway (they never help out when they're here for the weekend and i am sure they never will, they expect everything to be done for them). My husband and i argue all the time about his kids. i am ready for counseling but my husband refuses and i can't afford it on my own as he gives me no money. because of his income - he is well-to-do by any standard - i do not qualify for subsidized counseling. need i say that he is also stingy with me but not with his kids? advise me, please.
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female
reader, CBeaman59 +, writes (29 January 2018):
I know the feeling, because my husband's grown son always coming to stay with us seems like ever year and a half when his girlfriend puts him out. He is 43 yrs old and lie like a dog. We had said no one else is living with us no more including grown children. But of coarse my husband says yes to his son my step son. His son supposed to be getting his own apartment for the first time but I don't believe it because he doesn't want no responsibility. I'm fed up with it all. I've prayed and prayed so I'm waiting on God to fix this situation. Because for one thing everytime I bring this up to my husband, he blows up and tell me I'm wrong. It's like I have no say in this at all. He never sit and discuss this with me when it comes to his son. I'm beginning to think my husband is scared of his son. That son of his is a user and lie on anybody he live with. I never thought it would come to this in my marriage. We been together for 7 yrs and married for 1 year. Be strong and know that God see all and hear all.
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female
reader, goodwoman  +, writes (8 October 2009):
You let this happen. You and you alone. As I have said before that when the pain exceeds the gain you will make a change. Stop all this crap about the only one that could know your pain is someone that has walked in your shoes. Everyone on this planet has a story that will break your heart, so what makes your story so special. When are you going to take responsibility for your part in this whole mess? Does your husband have you hog-tied and chained to the table? You have control over you. Leave. Why would you stay? You can control the areas of your life that are yours. It seems that the complaining is commonplace.....for to act and make change would be too much for you. You would rather stay with miserable and something that you know and feel comfortable with even though it makes you unhappy rather than take the risk and make a change. This is very similar to Stockholm syndrome where the captive identifies with the captor. If I have sympathy for you it is only as far as the fact that you seem unable to make a change for yourself. This is sad, truly sad. There is no other way to say this than to be blunt - stay, stop complaining and accept your life, because this is what you chose or make changes in your life that will most likely benefit you and all the people that have contact with your life. Choose.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe previous post from the woman who says you should walk in my shoes is a very heartwarming response in contrast to some "advice" I have been given here. Perhaps that is because she has been thru it too. i am still figuring ways out of this situation and have come up with some good ideas. i would like to thank her and others who have been helpful. i would also like to advise those of you who are husbands like mine to think about how you treat your wives versus your children. when you bring a new wife into the home, there is always going to be an adjustment period, but you should put your wife first once you are married. of course you love your adult children. that is natural and right. but letting them or your feelings for them, especially when they are misbehaving and using you, will make your marriage hell. and that's not why most people get married! wife first, children second. keep it in mind, guys. would you want your wife to write the posts I have? how do you know she didn't?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): All the posts in reply to the question here are obviously people who have never gone through anything like this. I understand completely how this woman feels. I have the same problem. My husband has two grown kids, a daughter 28 and a son 30 who want, want, want and take, take, take. I currently lost my job in this recession and am having a hard time trying to find work even though I've worked 35 years of full time work, sometimes 2 jobs just to raise my own daughter. Both of his kids have children and are NOT married which mean he has to foot the bill for them too. They both work part time and my husband pays their rent, utilities, school loans, you name it. We are not rich and my husband is emptying our savings. Why would I even care if I found a job? I don't give my daughter a penny and she is working a full time job and a job at night. So the stress of trying to get work so that I can pay his kids bills......It's not going to happen. Not this girl! So until all you people that are giving this great advice........ stand in this gals shoes for even a day.........back off. She's simply needing some sound advice not criticism.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess I should have known there was a problem when shortly after we were married, all 3 kids were living at our house, we were eating dinner and " Amanda," age 22 and a college graduate, stuffed green beans up her nose to get everyone's attention. or maybe the first indication was when the 2 youngest at ages 25 and 23 had a belching contest over the Christmas goose. or could it have been when over another holiay, they got drunk on Margaritas, and ran thru the house swatting each other with bath towels for an hour (they were 29, 27, and 25 at the time). or maybe it was when husband and Amanda went on a 3 week trip out west right after our marriage during which he assured her she'd always be #1 in his heart (I got 2 days at Rehoboth Beach for a honeymoon and directly went back to work). by the way we had a 5 yr courtship and the kids were never around, they were in college or elsewhere so i had no idea this could happen. My husband thinks everything his kids do is wonderful and will never tell them their behavior is inappropriate no matter how uncomfrotable it makes others. as for someone's comment that they are grown children and why are we arguing about them, obviously these 3 don't act like grownups and never have. husband has said he wishes they would never grow up (looks like his wish came true). plus they're always calling, visiting, and laying their problems on us, not to mention looking for $$ handouts. husband thinks this is "family closeness." I call it family "co-dependency." Thanks for the advice, I'm going to explore ways out. Then my money will be my own, no more fights, and he and his kids can continue their extreme disfunction on their own. Adios.
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female
reader, goodwoman +, writes (26 August 2009):
These are serious issues in a marriage. I can provide you coping strategies to help you through this until you feel strong enough to leave, but you need to look at your life as it is right now. This is truly an unhappy state to be in. You cannot fix your husband however, you can take care of yourself. May I strongly suggest that you do so starting now. You need to decide if this is how you want to continue living your life. You will not get the light bulb to go on in his head regarding his children and his lack of generosity towards you. Start putting money aside for yourself. If there is no money for you to put aside leave. Leave immediately. You are at ground zero. It doesn't' get much worse than this. Go to a women's shelter. They will help you start over. You should qualify for social assistance and file for divorce. This is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. If your husband is well to do when you file for divorce you are entitled to half all your joint assets. If you tell me he kept everything is him name then I would have to ask why you are still there.
(Alternatively, you do not say if you are a member of a church.) If you are, seek out your pastor or minister. Ask for an appointment for yourself. They will offer coping strategies for you if you decide that you want to stay married. Your pastor or minister will counsel you. You will need them as support. You should also speak to your children. I am sure they would be saddened to know their mother is suffering like this. Stop thinking you are alone in this. You have your children, members of the community and I am sure you have a close friend that you can confide in and would keep your conversation confidential that could help you.
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (26 August 2009):
 If your husband refuses to discuss finances I don't know what you can do about it, you can't put a gun to his head. If he wants to spend a lot on his kids, you can't stop him. He is not going to change. I guess you have to ask yourself whether you are better off with him or without him and that is something only you can decide, not us.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmore clarificationmy husband lies about his kids in my presence and looks to me to back him up. Sometimes he turns to me and says, "right?" and I'm supposed to agree.As for Amanda being an FBI agent, she has no interest at all. She wants to work with small children. so i don't see any reason to encourage husband to badger her about it. he calls her up every week or so and outlines his plans as to how she can accommplish HIS goal. She is weary of it but he doesn't get it. he thinks she just needs some prodding to apply. sure she can do anything she wants if she wants to, but SHE DOESN'T WANT TO. She loves little kids and wants to work with them, period.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question(sorry if this is repeating a past post just sent, but it sent before I was ready)clarifying some more for goodwoman and those of you who have provided helpful answers (the rest of you can go take a flying leap because I'm looking for good advice here, not put downs)anyway, yes, it has been 5 years since I bought a new pair of shoes. I buy used from Goodwill, buy my clothes there too. I work on commission in what used to be a well-paying field. So that is the basis on which we decided on who paid what, but In this recession my income has dried up. I am 68 and still working in my chosen field though I don't have any money coming in from it. how many of you could say the same? My husband doesn't want to discuss financial situation with me, he says he has a lot on his plate right now, but that means payinag for things for his kids.When my children come to visit, they clear the table, do the cooking and load the dishwasher. Last year my daughter bought and brought the turkey to our house, and she cooked it (I cleaned up that time and was glad to do it). And for the snarky person who asked if I have clear furniture protectors on my furniture the answer is no. I have a lovely well appointed home for which I bought and paid for much of the furniture myself. MOD NOTE: excess posts deleated.
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female
reader, goodwoman +, writes (25 August 2009):
I have read your additional information regarding finances, his children and your children. Your letters are sincerely filled with sadness. To recap, the issues between you and your husband are his grown children, their lack of contribution to the household when visiting, their inability to lead productive lives and your husband's lack of generosity towards you. Correct? I strongly suggest that you recognize these issues and prioritize them. Decide if any or all of these issues are a deal breaker for you. In other words, are these issues of such magnitude that you are better off without your husband. If you decide that you can work these issues out and you decide that you are better off with him then decide how to proceed. Many people have given you the same advice. The fact that your children have enjoyed excellent careers and lives up to this point is a gift. On the other hand your husband's children are struggling. It is difficult to watch smart, beautiful, intelligent young adults not capitalize on their youth and opportunities in front of them. However......if they fail it is their failure. Not yours. Your husband feels that their failure is his failure. He knows that your children are successes. Is your husband asking you to lie to people about his children? Or, is your husband making a statement about the children in your presence that you know to be false. You need to recognize your husband's need to feel that he is a good father. If this is his reason behind the fabrication of his children's accomplishments then I would leave this alone. You pointing out the adult children's faults will not make him face reality. He will see you as unkind and shrewish. Another reader asked if you have the same expectations of your grown children when they visit as you do for your husband's children. Do you? Lastly, his generosity towards you and your finances. Has it really been five years since you bought yourself a pair of shoes? If so, that should be the first order when your social security check arrives. Did you not discuss finances with your husband before you married. By this I mean did you not discuss how the monthly bills were to be paid. Please provide me with more information to better address your issues.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 August 2009):
 Why don't you get out of the house when his kids are coming over? that way HE can cater to HIS kids.
I see some lines very clearly drawn in the sand between you and yours and him and his. Not too cool when you both call this your family.
If his kids are doing poorly ( but supporting themselves) then LET your husband have his lame fantasies of an FBI agent daughter and Vice president of the USA son.. Let him, what harm can it do? I mean really?
If you do not wish to be their "cook & maid" then tell your husband that when HIS children come over it is HIS job to make the dinner and clean up afterwards OR to have the kids help. Though, they are GUESTS in your house when they come over for dinner aren't they?
You two have some issues besides the kids, so what are they?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto clarify a bit - i have grown children also. Son is vice-president of medium sized firm and has happy family of wife and three kids. my single daughter is career-woman, advertising, head of her department. they are not living locally and visit once or twice a year because they have JOBS. Our relationship is loving ahd they have turned out well. I don't have to make up stuff about them because they are doing great on their own. i have tried to bring direction to my husb's grown kids. they have never been held to any standard and ignore my requests to remove linens from their beds when they are ready to leave our home, etc. if i ask for help with dinner they ignore it. my husband makes excuses for this. he has always been very involved with them and sees them as extensions of himself. when they perform in a lackluster way he takes it personally so that is why he makes stuff up. says his son is dating all kinds of girls and we know that son has not had a date in over a year (husb saw himself as a Lothario so wants his son to appear same way.) he has pretty much stoped talking about the other son as his actions and life are so disappointing to him. (this son married a foreign born hustler of drinks from a bar in Asia, where he met her, and only works sporadically. they live in a rundown area and she is trying to babysit for extra money, but their home is so dirty no one wants to leave their kids with her.) it's pretty hard to gussy up that one's package with a ribbon and a bow.... yes i feel compassion for my husb but think he should see reality, give me enough money so i can buy my first pair of shoes in 5 years, and stop asking for my support in perpetuating the lies he tells. so there.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 August 2009):
You are not being part of the "lie" by just smiling sweetly. Besides who doesn't brag about their children? I know I do and don't get me started on the grandkids. I take it you have no children of your own? I'd sit him down and talk about the money situation especially since he was more generous before you got married. Sort of a bait and switch deal.
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female
reader, goodwoman +, writes (24 August 2009):
Your question addresses many issues. The first issue is that your husband sees his children as smart, beautiful and intelligent. Although the adult children are well-educated you perceive the children as non-achievers, stuck in menial jobs, unwilling to accept his counsel and continually engaging in disastrous relationships. The second issue is the arguing both in public and private between the two of you as differences in opinion of the adult children clash. The third issue is a lack of a unified front when the children come to visit. He wants to tell them to bring food so you don't have to work so hard, you instruct him not to tell them this because you feel they won't anyway and then the children do not assist in day to day chores when they are visiting...both you and your husband are giving these grown children mixed signals. Lastly, you feel that your husband is stingy with you but not with "his" children. You want counseling, but he doesn't. These are a lot of issues. What is it that you think counseling will solve? Do you think a counselor will say that you are right and he wrong? Would that solve the first issue of whether or not his children are "losers" or not? Would that solve "ALL" the issues? Pointing out that his children are not what he perceives them to be (no matter how good your intentions are) is not going to endure you to your husband. The fact that he keeps saying that his children are smart, intelligent and beautiful and obsesses about which direction the child's career should be enough to tell you this. What parent wants to hear that his/her children are not wonderful? Your husband probably needs to have counseling but not for what you think. He needs to understand that although his children are "of" him...they are not living "through" him. In other words, children are individuals. They are separate of him. He needs to recognize this. You telling your husband that his children are less then what he perceives does no good for anyone including you. Start with not bashing the kids. Agreeing that the kids are smart, beautiful and intelligent is not a lie, is it? The kids will tell him to stop trying to control their lives. As for the kids not pulling their weight when they come to visit, you need to be very specific in what it is you would like each child to do. Make the bed, keep the room clean, tidy up the bathroom, do dishes, prepare a meal, bring food,etc. Only when you can be specific and then stay consistent in your expectations will this not be an issue. You say your husband is stingy - what is stopping you from earning your own money? Does your husband not want you to work outside the home? There are issues here but they rest with you, not the rest of the family.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionno, he did not appear stingy before marriage. as for it being OUR money it is not. i do not have access to any of his funds and in fact pay half of household expenses out of my social security check, which leaves me virtually no spending money. in answer to the part about 'no skin orr your nose,' if he is outright lying to friends of ours and i agree, i have a problem being a part of the lie. yes i can agree to some things he says, but most are pretty outlandish claims. thanks for your answer though, it is food for thought.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 August 2009):
He sounds like a very loving father. How hard is it to just smile sweetly when he praises and brags about his kids even if sometimes he's stretching the facts a tad? No skin off your nose now is it? You sound rather more jealous than righteous to me. As far as his being stingy, didn't you notice this before you got married or is it something that surfaced later? Unless the finances were agreed upon before the marriage, I'd talk to him about that for sure. I think once legally married it becomes OUR money.
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