A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Let me start from the beginning if I may. About 2 weeks ago my husband said one of his supervisors at the factory where he works 3rd shift came up to him while he was loading a truck and harassed him about being too close to a girl who has a bad reputation, and not to ruin what he has with me.This supervisor is my best friend's mom. Well it all went out of proportion with my bf taking pictures of him in the parking lot because he gave this girl a ride to work several times. Which showed nothing but just that. But now, for the past week, we have been having these constant conversations about this girl. He has confessed he has feelings for her, he even had some time to his self and made his decision he wanted her and not me, his wife of 4 years, the person he's been with for 7 years, the mother of his 4 year old and 15 weeks pregnant with his 2nd child. He says they have a special connection that we do not have.She recently moved pretty close to us in her grandmothers old house with her dad to be close to the daughter she never keeps because she stays with the girls mom. So the rides are still happening. And the closeness continues. He tells me he loves me and that he didn't mean for this to happen and he doesn't want me going through all this... I'm depressed to no end, have anxiety attacks, breakdowns etc. He also seriously wants the 3 of us to be in a big relationship. I cannot share my husband with a homewrecker. I met this girl last weekend, she actually came to my house... we got along, she seemed nice. But then I couldn't stand seeing him hug on her any more right in front of my freaking face! So I told her I needed to have a talk with her alone. I had her crying, pretty much telling her she had no dignity, she told me she didn't want anyone to go through this but when she looked at him it was like looking in a mirror, which made me wanna puke... She said the only way she knew to stop all this was the just leave him alone... I told her to please help me get my husband back and stop this. I also asked her if I should give up, she said never give up. Then they have a talk afterwards and she tells him she knew she should give him up but couldn't, and wouldn't, and that i misunderstood her about never giving up.What was i supposed to think when she says that, I mean we are talking about my husband.?She has this thing where she gives people 90 days in her life to see if things simmer down or one walks out of the others lives, they have this going on. I honestly hope she finds someone else in the factory to cling to and break his heart. But my husband and I also have 90 days, ours is up 2 weeks after theirs is. My husbands complaints about our relationship is that I let the house go and never kept it up and that I never showed him affection, I don't make him as happy as she does. So our days are for me to make it up to him, show him I've changed all that and to try and get the spark back. He knows we could work it out if he could leave her alone and neither on of them wants to do that, but instead continue to cause me so much pain. I know I should let him go but I just can't. I feel like I need to fight, but my friends say he's got me where he wants me and has me thinking its all my fault... I know its not all my fault, it takes two. I want to keep hanging on until these 90 days are up but it kills me at times and we're ok at others. I just can't believe he's choosing her over his wife child and unborn child. He tells me he's gonna be here for us to finish up things he's started around the house, to be here for me because i'm pregnant, and our daughter who loves her daddy, but its going to be so hard to have him here and not touch him, have him here as my husband. He tells me he will not touch her sexually as long as we're married, but i found condoms in his truck and he said i did tell him to wrap it before he touched it because i don't want my children having other siblings. But he says they just kissed. I need advice, please anyone out there help me!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2017): Woman ! Stand up for yourself and take back some Power !!Reading this just made me want to shout "YOU'RE WORTH MORE THAN THIS WASTE OF SPACE, IDIOT MAN!" I get that you are married, have a child and one on the way and want a happy little family life but honest to God look at how this guy is treating you.He meets someone else at work and allows himself to form an attration. He tells you he wants her, not you. He even has the utter cheek to bring her around and hug her and show affection in front of you!! His actions do not give a damn about you. If he loved you, he wouldn't have condoms in the car he frequently uses to give this girl lifts...Your heart will break but hearts heal. You will go through hell going through a break up, but show your children you're not some pathetic doormat woman who turns a blind eye to a cheating husband. Be the woman who stands up for herself and doesn't take crap from anyone. Pack his stuff up and tell him to collect it. See a divorce lawyer and someone who can secure you full custody and him regular visits. A terrifying prospect when pregnant to be putting in your claim for payments from him for your children but better that than him carrying on seeing her behind your back. When he's bored of her it'd just be someone else...I don't know the man but any man who actually thinks a wife will share her husband clearly is a complete twat.Contact your family, once they understand what's happened you will have their emotional support to get you through the tricky days. Call on friends to help with the children.Let him go to his new love interest. Let her see what a pig of a man he is, and let him criticise her housework instead of yours! A decent partner would never treat someone they love like this, even if love was at an end a decent person wouldn't go and cheat - they would be honest and end things as peacefully as could be done with children involved. Seriously, let him have the new woman and do not have any part in his new life. Any contact would be about the children alone and you can ignore anything else. People are stronger than they realise and you will get through hard times. I just feel so angry for you and think you need to allow yourself to see how poorly he's treated you. You don't need to crawl around begging him to come back and wanting to change for him, you need to harness some anger at this situation and channel the energy into having a better, more fulfilled life
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (14 April 2017):
 You kick his sorry arse out before you lose your sanity as well as dignity. This affair will not stop. its evident in his attitude to suggest a three way marriage. You mamsy- pamsying around with this silly wretch of a pair make you weak and easily bullied to renegotiate the terms of YOUR marriage to suit their needs. Lawyer up, get all you can. Wasting time on a douche bag like him is just that, a waste of time. leave them both to enjoy knowing what each each of them are capable of. Fucking disgusting, my heart goes out to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2017): Pack a bag for him and when he comes home from work, hand it to him, take his house keys and tell him to go to her and that he can come and get the rest of his things at your convenience. What a turd to to do this to you when you are PREGNANT!!! How dare he or she set rules or a period when YOU are pregnant as well!!! Right now the health of your baby and you are paramount, nothing else. Shitty situations like this can harm an unborn child, or God forbid, cause a miscarriage. This man needs to be GONE out of your life for your own sake and your family. Children are so precious and he does not deserve them.Sad to say he is a male slut. Get him out, change your locks and file for divorce. Sounds to me like he has already had sex with her, hence the condoms. Also have an STD check just in case he has passed something onto you. HUGE hugs!!!!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 April 2017):
 I could not do what you are doing. I could not try better for my husband if he had told me he wants to be with someone else. I could not welcome her in my home and ask her to leave him alone. I don't know how you are coping but for me I would be so angry. I would have kicked him out and that would have been it. He does not deserve you. He is putting himself first before you, your child and your unborn baby. Honey you need to get him out off the house, he is toxic. Don't allow him to blame this on you, this is 100% his selfish fault not yours.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2017): First of all, she is nice. she is not a big threat, but what you should be worried about is your husband. You love him very much and so does your husband's coworker, but what i also believe is that when he does go on to pursue her, he will stay loyal to you and your kids, as he will take good care for your kids. from your question, I've noticed that youve written down that you do NOT want to have a third partner in the relationship. Best suggestion, wait till the 90 days are over, give him affection and show him you care so much about him and by the end of that 90 days, you have to ask him to choose either you or her. Not both. You or her. if he chooses you, he has to cut off her coworker out of his life. no drives to work, no contact number, no nothing.If he chooses her, you guys can either get a divorce or stay married but MAKE SURE you get rid of those condoms and make him SWEAR he'll never have sex with her. Some men can be sly pigs. who knows.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (13 April 2017):
 I agree with the other posters, you're giving them both full control of the situation. This is YOUR marriage. You either tell him he stays and fights and this other girl is gone, or he is out of your life for good.
You shouldn't be dealing with this from someone you love, this is absolutely absurd. 90 day rule? Absolutely not. He either wants to fight for his marriage or he doesn't and it doesnt sound like he wants to.
My guess is he's going through some kind of mid life crisis and he feels trapped with a wife, a kid and another on the way and he's freaking out. I'd say this new chick will get bored soon and your husband will realise he's made a mistake and come running back. Question is, would you want him back? He's showed you how easy it is for him to jump ship.
Kick this man to the curb, he sounds like an absolute ass.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2017): Wow, this is a terrible situation for you to be in. You must be feeling terrible.As a guy who lives with temptation all around (ie, other women), it can be a very dangerous path giving in to temptation- even just a little. The grass often does look greener on the other side, something different always sounds fun and a taste sparks the excitement. Life is a minefield- for both men and women- and developing feelings for others will happen. Keeping control of those feelings and how to act on them is the problem. Your husband sounds like he's been blinded by temptation.Yes, he has the right to claim his feelings for you have changed. But 'tidy house' isn't an emotional element. What has in fact happened is he is enjoying the other relationship because it is new, exciting. He's listing excuses, not real reasons.He can't put all the responsibility of the relationship on you and you need to start thinking that way. Sure, do some things to increase the chances of your staying together, but you can't be a lap dog. He has to make efforts and commitments too, and I'm not just referring to this other girl.I'm pretty sure he isn't a perfect husband.He has given his ultimatums, perhaps you should too. Don't let it turn into a battle, that will drive him away even more, but be prepared for the fact that it sounds like he might choose the other woman.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 April 2017):
 I agree with the other ladies. Your husband is downright cruel, and if this is the man he is, you are not losing much, in fact he is doing you a favour. Let Miss 90 days have him.
This stupid 90 days probation rule is her, or his idea, not yours, you do not have to put up with it. Your husband is just either making a fake, token effort , to not look like the bad guy,- or maybe he is trying to keep his cake and eat it too for another while, our of convenience, but he has jumped ship already, even if he is physically still around.
Do not let yourself be fooled by this nonsense about cleaning house and showing affection. Oh I am sure that it would help, and I do not doubt that living in a clean house with an affectionate partner feels better than leaving in a messy house with a standoffish one ... but he would have also, FIRST , in fact, to do his part, which would be : not to see / talk to / touch this other woman while you are completing your Stepford Wife training. You mend your ways of sloppy housewife , and he mends his ways of philanderer, sounds fair, doesn't it ?
But he is not going to do that, because he made his mind already, he is just inching his way out of this marriage, no matter how painful and humiliating this is for you.
Screw the 90 days trial period- unilaterally declare it ended, and ship him without further ado to his "soulmate "- without recess clause, though . If by the end of the 90 days she feels that her enthusiasm has cooled off a bit, too bad for her, she gets to keep him. No returns allowed.
You really , really do not need this guy in your life- except as father of your children , ( if he will care to stay involved.... ) and punctual payer of child support .
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (13 April 2017):
 Why the HECK are you putting up with this? I can't believe someone would be so disrespectful to someone he supposedly loves. You should not put up with this. That they flipped this on you and you're under some kind of probation while he F's another woman is masterful manipulation. Don't put your unborn child into this sick arrangement, it is not healthy for anyone.
I say sick because this is not consensual. If you all three were consensual polyamorous situation, I would think that was doable potentially, but this is obviously above and beyond. The balls on your guy are appalling. Stick up for yourself. You deserve better. You lost him. The quicker you move on, the quicker you establish a better home for your new family.
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A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (13 April 2017):
 I'm disgusted with your husband. The fact that you are pregnant with his second child clearly means nothing to him. Also your daughter also clearly is less important to him that where he can put his dick.
He doesn't seem to care about you at all and I think you are better off without him.
But if you want him back then kick him out and do nothing for him ( I mean nothing). The other woman is just a whore who will tire of him when she gets him. Thus he will come crawling back to you.
When he does then you can decide whether he is worth it.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (13 April 2017):
 What is this "90 days" shit? YOU do NOT have to take any notice of this rubbish.
Sweetheart, TAKE BACK CONTROL of this situation. It is your ONLY chance of salvaging your marriage. I am not saying it will necessarily work - I suspect you may have lost him already (at least for the time being) - but being a push-over and a doormat for this pair won't help keep your husband either. He has ALREADY moved on. He is going through the motions of salvaging his marriage but he will NOT stay. It is just so that he can say he tried. His heart is not in this marriage at the moment.
In your shoes I would give them both what they wish for - freedom to have a relationship, but do NOT agree to a 3-way or it will just destroy you (even more than losing him altogether). A secret part time relationship, where it is all about romance and not about the harsh realities of everyday life, like bringing up children and washing his dirty underwear, is all well and good, and ANYONE can enjoy that. However, give him to her full time and see if she still thinks he is so wonderful. And don't, under any circumstances, do ANYTHING for him; once he goes, he is not YOUR responsibility. Let HER wash and cook and clean for him. You have yourself and your children to think of.
It is typical that, as soon as he wants to be screwing around with someone else, he picks holes in your relationship. You have let the house go? Wow! You DESERVE to be divorced! I am sure some judge would grant him a divorce on THOSE grounds! Not! Does he even help you with your child or with the housework? Or does he just expect you to deal with it all because he is out working (or whatever he spends his time away from you doing - because it sure as hell doesn't sound like work)?
Sorry, but I feel really angry on your behalf, as this man is just totally irresponsible and has his head in the clouds.
You have some very important decisions to make, the most pressing and important one being what to do about your pregnancy. Take my word for it, you WILL be bringing this child up alone if you go ahead with this pregnancy. You need to discuss your options with someone FAST, while you still have options. HE does not have a say on that at the moment, as HE will not be around.
This is a time when you need friends and family around you, to support and help you. With any luck, once he is with this silly girl full time, your husband will realize what he has lost and come to his senses. However, that will never happen if you allow him to have his cake and eat it. With any luck, by the time he has come to his senses, you will have found a man who deserves you and can tell him to push off back to his girlfriend, who probably won't want him by then either.
Stay strong, sweetheart, and take back control of this situation. You need to look after yourself and your child, and decide whether you can bring up another child on your own. I am so sorry you are in this situation.
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