A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi everyoneI have a problem.....I am married. Its been two years. Every thing is cool. Even my sex life too. Here comes the problem my husband always sees sex videos.It makes me feel very bad when he watches sex videos. I want to make him stop seeing those videos. He dosen't know that I know he sees sex videos. I think you people got my question. Please help me.
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female
reader, blahblahblahh +, writes (22 October 2010):
 Very well said person12345
A
female
reader, jxp2008  +, writes (21 October 2010):
ok here is the deal. I think you should talk to him but only after you ask yourself this question...... What is it about him watching porn that bothers you?
Is it that you have religious views about watching porn?
Is it that you think it is nasty and disgusting?
Is it that you feel he likes it more than he likes you?
My boyfriend watches a lot of internet porn. I will be honest and say that I love porn. In the beginning it made me kind of mad that he did because it made me feel insecure. It made me feel like I didn't turn him on anymore. But I talked to him about how it made me feel and He suggested that we could watch it together and that I still turned him on and it's just a thing some guys do.
After that he and I watch porn together and I am okay with him watching it without me too. He made me feel secure about it and it even enhanced our sex life. So I think you should talk to him. You never know it could be something that you too do togther and enjoy each other more.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (20 October 2010):
 "Men are able to compartmenalise sex, I think, and are able to watch porn but feel differently with their spouse."
Actually they aren't anymore than you are, which is just at little as they can (if that makes any sense). Basically no one can. It has to do with two things. One, the third-person effect. People never think something will personally affect them, but think it will affect others. A study on sexual media from the Kaiser Family Group found that while 2/3 of teens thought sexual media would greatly impact their peers, half thought it wouldn't affect them personally in any way. It also has to do with the fact that as humans, what we see really is reality. People are very profoundly impacted by they see. It's why we spend close to what the U.S. has spent total on the Iraq war annually on advertising.
As well, the assumption that 90% of men watch pornography is incorrect. It's around 70% of men, and 30% of women (according to a poll by Frontline News involving over 10,000 participants and by a study by the Kinsey Institute). Furthermore, simply because many people do something does not make it OK. Normal=/=OK. A majority of women in relationships find pornography to be a negative impact on their self-esteem. This is normal therefore, so it should be OK that the majority of women in relationships are being hurt?
As well, I'm wondering where the data to back up your assumption that porn is not harming the relationship is. This question is a woman who is clearly expressing the harm it is causing to her and to her feelings towards him. Therefore, whether or not pornography feels harmless to him, it is still hurting the relationship. As well the idea that pornography has no effect on the viewer, despite the significant impact we know advertising has on a person, has been shown to be false at least three times that I'm aware of. Dolf Zillman conducted the most famous of these studies in 1988 and showed that among both genders, prolonged exposure to pornography (over 6 weeks they were each shown 6 hours of total pornography in hourly sessions) caused them to feel significantly less satisfied with their partners in every aspect (attractiveness, sexual curiosity, etc...) than the control group (who were shown innocuous content movies). So not only is this showing harm, but if you reverse the findings, you could say that men who don't watch porn are more satisfied in their relationships than men who do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2010): I think the key issue here is she feels threatened in the relationship because he watches porn. But he does not know she either knows he watches it, or objects. SO the issue is not over the ethical or emotional correctness of watching porn or if it is normal to do so (it is, in moderation), it is about the effect it is having on this particular relationship. In any relationship, especially where sexual matters arise, it is vital BOTH parties agree and accept it. I suggest the OP discusses this with her husband. It is not good he endulges without her knowledge, but it's also not realistic or fair to presume he is going to become ashamed or angry or do it behind her back or stop making love to her when he is confronted. Why pin him as doing something bad or objectionable just because he watches porn? I'm sur ehe loves her, he just engages in watching it as a means of escape, fantasy or release. She can either engage in it with him, refuse it in her relationship, or tolerate it without engaging in it. All are acceptable options, but only the first 2 involve a mutual understanding, and would therefore require discussing it. What is more of a concern is WHY he watches it? WHY is he trying to escape or endulge in this if everything else is OK? I'd work that angle first.
In analyzing my own "use" of porn over the years, I can say I have, on occasion, endulged. But I always did so in moderation. It was always to soften some kind of stress I was in when I was without a partner, or because it was mutually enjoyable by both my partner and I when I was in a relationship. In both situations, there was complete consent. No illicit intent or habitual use. And of course, nothing at ALL degrading toward women. I hate seeing that stuff. I'll also add that I'm a very passionate man, love and respect women immensely, I'm a complete gentleman, a professional and post grad, and an Officer in the military. I think I'm proof that respectable, tasteful adult material, in moderation and with consent, has a place in any healthy relationship and a successful life. And the absence of it is just as acceptable. The key is that both partners accept, understand and obey its use or lack thereof.
So go talk to him...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2010): To Natasia, Yes lots of young adolescent males watch porn, the female body is completely NEW to them, it's a time when masturbation is high as with experimenting. And YES men can and do compartmentalize feelings form sex, but YOUR opinion is that IF 90% of adolescent males watch porn, and they grow up to me FULLY mature ADULT MALES they should NOT have to adapt their choices now they are more mature, and NOT subject a partner to something, that the PARTNER has clearly indicated she is NOT comfortable with...JUST BECAUSE PORN is so readily available, and he's a man, and can't help it!
I think not - he is perfectly able to make a choice to be far more considerate to his wife...And I presume you must be very young, under 30, NOT married, or in a long-term relationship or more than 10 years. The internet is awash with Porn, ans most is NOT nice, and MORE than not some female(s) are being abused my a man, group of men for the gratification of sex - fine IF men want to watch this, but statistically, those who watch on a regular basis,and sit behind a computer screen to be stimulated end up with MORE emotional problems in the future than those who don't OR limit it to some once in a while.
The fact is this woman clearly is NOT happy - and for me that is all that matters - NOT whether 90% on YOUNG males watch sex videos..Boys have to grow up and take responsibility for their actions, and consider others, NOT condoned for being inconsiderate of a partners feelings on the basis he's MALE!
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A
female
reader, blahblahblahh +, writes (20 October 2010):
To sum things up, whether people have the opinion that it is normal or it is not, each opinion lays differently with different people. If you don't want porn in your relationship it shouldn't be a big deal. You should be honest to your husband about this and if he loves you and cares about your feelings he will stop it without argument and anger. Jilly's spot on..
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (19 October 2010):
 To Jilly, how many teenage boys watch porn? And how many grow up to be men? And do you think they stop?
With the internet it is so accessible, and so tuned to the male visual/detached sexual mindset. Men are able to compartmenalise sex, I think, and are able to watch porn but feel differently with their spouse.
I disagree that it is not 'normal' - 90 per cent or so of the young male UK population is then not normal? It is almost a cult among them.
As for something being 'normal' only if you partner likes it - ? So because I would like another baby and my partner doesn't as he has three children, does that make me not normal? Sorry, but I don't agree that whether a feeling is normal or not depends on whether the partner shares it.
If this lady's partner watches porn privately and hasn't shared it with her, and she has discovered it by, I presume, checking his webhistory or films he has on his computer (she said he didn't know she knew), then this is obviously something he didn't want to share with her. If she confronts him with it, the first thing she will do is lose his trust. The second thing is humiliate him. The third thing is possibly anger. None of these are good. I was simply trying to put it in perspective: if a man has a habit of watching porn, this is not an uncommon thing - it is very common. Rife, even. And if he has kept it from her, it is probably precisely because he didn't want her to get upset about it. If she has snooped and found out about it, to some degree it is her responsibility. He is a great husband and lover, so obviously this habit isn't affecting his relationship with her, and behaviour towards him. So it was a private habit he kept from her to protect her.
I think advising her to confront him with it will lead to problems between them. I think accepting it as his private choice, and respecting that privacy, would be a more mature decision.
However, if she wants to risk confrontation, she should be aware of the fact that she might make things worse. But perhaps he will say 'oh, sorry - of course not - I will stop'. Whether he will or not is another thing. Better for her to deal with the real issue, which is that men are perfectly capable of watching porn but still being loving devoted partners, sexually and otherwise. Watching porn does NOT mean a man doesn't love you.
Per
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2010): You cant make him stop. You can only tell him how it makes you feel. And ask if he will place your feelings above his interest in pornography and stop for you. If you dont like pornography...and i can assure you, many dont. And you dont wish to have it within your relationship. You have a perfect right to express how you feel and ask him to please stop watching it. If he refuses. Or lies and watches it behind your back. Only you know if it is worth continuing a relationship, with someone who refuses to stop doing something that distresses you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2010): It's right this question does come up an awful lot on this site..but that doesn't mean because MANY men watch sex/porn videos that's is normal or healthy IF on a regular or daily basis. Especially IF the person they live with finds it uncomfortable - I bet IF YOU were doing something that HE didn't like in the home you share together, then he would be saying to you.
You have been married two years - So has he always done this, OR has he just become LESS considerate of you and how you may feel about it?
To say that ' Men are different, and they can't help it ' is absolute ludicrous...they have as much control over what they do, and when they do it, and the next person. To say a man can't help it, is SURE way of opening all kinds of excuses for inconsiderate behaviour. I've also repeated this before..Porn is so called because it's not seen as something that depicts normal healthy relationships - it tends to be females being used purely in a clinical manner, after all it is not shown at the local cinema..because it's NOT considered generally NICE!
And NOT all men use porn, the one's that use porn, or the females who say ' Most men do ' is because they tend to attract like for like, so it becomes the norm for those people.
There are many things that a LOT of people do in the world, that are NOT CONDUCIVE within a relationship or in society generally..The amount of people is irrelevant,and IF it's affecting you, which it clearly IS..then you need to speak to your husband about it. Overlooking this now, will only build, and how would you complain about something in the future if you take a passive approach.
I have had deep passionate relationships all my life, and with true Alpha Males..military men, my ex-husband was a Captain when I married him. Subsequent relationships, have also been with officers,NONE have ever introduced porn into our relationship..
I am a relationship counsellor in the UK - and I assure you NOT all couples, or all men watch porn.
So don't allow others to tell you it's normal - it's ONLY normal IF you're happy with it, not otherwise!
Jilly
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A
male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (19 October 2010):
 I'd let him know that if he doesn't stop that the old fella won't work later in life. It is said that too much of that can lead to these sorts of symptoms. But he probably won't care anyway. Maybe he has a sex addiction and at least he's not going out behind your back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2010): The first step would be to attempt to communicate with him. Tell him how you feel knowing that he does watch the videos, that they lower your self esteem and believe you should be the only one to please him in that sort of way. He may come up with excuses and try very hard to not quit watching them, but if he values your feelings and respects you, he will stop.
Word to the wise..many men will tell their women they've stopped watching porn but will continue doing it behind their back, at which point he has a problem he needs dealt with.
Best of luck!~
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (19 October 2010):
Hi there
Unfortunately you aren't the only woman whose husband does this - just look at the past questions on this site - probably 20% of the questions from women are:
My man watches xxx films - I hate this - why does he do it? Does it mean he doesn't love me?
So you see, millions of men do this. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Men just have these needs, it seems. I think he does this in private, and I think you should try to forget about it. Your husband is not a bad man or an odd man - he is very very normal and does what a lot of other men do.
Some women have the problem that their man watches these films and then doesn't want to make love to his wife. Thankfully everything is great in your relationship, so i don't think you should worry about this.
Men are different to us - we have to let them be different - they can't help it.
And if you tell him you know, he then will feel embarrassed, ashamed, and angry with you for going into his private business. Don't break his trust like that. Don't spoil your marriage for the sake of some silly films that mean absolutely nothing.
I know you feel bad, but try to forget about it and ignore it. That would be the best thing to do, I think.
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