A
female
age
51-59,
*atrina1972
writes:i have been with my husband for ten years, married six. we have 2 kids. sex was never brilliant, he has ed, but the first year was great, then it slowly got worse. i will cut this down for the average reader!!! I have over the years caught him watching porn, he denies it but red handed comes to mind! we are lucky if we TRY to have sex once every 2 months, i got fed up feeling rejected, he would say he was stressed from work or some sorry excuse. it has put such a strain on us that over the past few months i am ready to leave. i kept getting weird emails via our works account, russian bride, teens etc, i felt sickened. he got the computer man at work to delete his history, but im obviously in the wrong job cos i found the complete history since he bought the bloody thing, he has daily visits to the most disgusting sites, i feel sick, useless, unwanted, not sexy, blah blah, i printed sh*t loads of this off and left it on his desk at work, he wasnt happy being caught and tried to say it must have been one of our employees!!!! about a month before this, he didnt like me asking something to do with work, nothing major, but for the first time in our marriage..he battered me. not one punch, but enough for me to have him arrested. i should have let him stay in the jail and go to court but i didnt know what i would tell the kids or my parents, i am 36 this year but close with my family, i didnt want all the questions. i told them i tripped over the dog and hit my face of the fishtank, how stupid am i!!! after this i got proof of the porn, and to top it all off, over the years and again last night, although i have have continuosly asked him not to as i feel sick....i have awoken at the point of climax. He waits till i am asleep then plays around with me. i feel abused, am i being abused, is this rape when no intercourse has taken place?? the thing is, i didnt get married to get divorced but there has to be a limit. we owe a major amount of money, on the mortgage and credit cards, i dont see how i can afford to leave him without losing everything and haveing to live with my mum and dad. i have asked him to arrange councelling etc, but he always says he doesnt have time, he is working, but 5 mins to save our maariage i dont think is much to ask. i hate him for doing this to us, i have tried everything, i have forgiven everything, but he waits till i am at breaking point, then says how sorry he is, but the niceness only lasts a few weeks then it is back to normal. i am at my wits end, i think if it wasnt for the money i would leave. i really need advice. thanks!
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female
reader, katrina1972 +, writes (9 July 2008):
katrina1972 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks to the last 2 replies. since writing this, i went to a solicitor. i filed for divorce, or at least enquired about it. he knew in the end, and begged me not to do it, he arranged marriage councelling at my request and we attended last week. it was awful. good for me, i got shit loads of my chest, nothing i hadnt already told him, i was in tears etc. he had little to say other than he was embarrassed and upset to see what he had done to me. ashamed also. he knows all of the above, but just me telling him at home didnt sink in. when he saw me break down in front of a complete stranger, it hit him hard what he has been doing to me over the years. he was very very very ashamed and embarrassed. because of the violence issue, one battering, we have to be seen for one time seperately, i understand why. so we are waiting on our appointments for this. once thats over, we will be seen again together and i will give it a shot. i am glad he wis willing to do it rather than let me leave. he sees i am strong now, i CAN do it alone, the kids are older, i have my family and friends and he would be the one who would be all alone and live with the fact he threw his family away. i will see how the councelling goes but have told him that i am keeping my options open. i am now in control of our joint business which makes me feel great. even if i leave him, i have a company to run and money coming in. he doesnt work there so it will be ok for me to carry on there. i will be careful that he doesnt clear it out, although everything requires joint signatures so i am not tto worried. anyway, i am HOPING tha this time, with councelling etc things will go ok. he has for the last 4 weeks, brought me a gift home every friday after work. i asked for this for him to show me he could take five mins out of work to think of me. nothing major, a magnet, or a flower from a garden etc. just a token so i now he os making the effort. we will see how long it lasts but so far i am actually thinking he is seriously re arranging his lifestyle around me, and considering my needs. or, maybe i am just being fooled again...who knows. thanksyou for all your comments and i wish you all well in your own lives.
katrina
A
female
reader, married_yet _lonely  +, writes (9 July 2008):
I married my boyfriend of 7 mths..was working & took up further studies...got pregnant before i could complete my post grad...meanwhile, i realise my husband flirts,puts me down & gambled away our savings...all in a matter of months...when i discovered,i went ballistic & threatened to leave..he said "sorry" ,i melted...cos i cant bear the thought of being a single parent..he didnt stop gambling..even managed to take me,insisting that he couldnt do without me...i felt stupid to give in to the cause ,i despised..it was for our baby...out of the blue he says he has stopped...dunno, if its a phase...i was depressed & frustrated ...there seemed no way out..to wait for my child to grow so i can seperate.
During this period ,i had an early delivery...but the blows keep coming..hes doesnt have time for us..uninterested in his responsibilty..im juggling the bills etc...going insane...meanwhile he gets smart on me...accuses me of everything...and now i sense hes having an affair...given the lies & hurt..i dont know if wanna love him anymore...i'm fed up...because every other day my gut feeling is that something is not right...I AM STUCK..don't wanna end up at parent's house..don't have money either...It's a cold & lonely place to be.
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A
female
reader, Katrien  +, writes (11 June 2008):
HI there
I was married to an abusive man. What is very hard to understand is that they have such a nice side too. It just doesn't make sense. How can someone who smiles and laughs with your parents and friends, give money to beggars on the street, picks up his socks, plays with the children as if there is nothing wrong, be so destructive towards you? It makes you feel alone as nothing else on earth will! Because only YOU know what he is like in private. And it makes you question your sanity. And you feel slightly disconnected from reality...
I was at my wits end. At work one day 4 or 5 years ago, and out of pure desparation, I typed into GOOGLE "why does he do that?". As if google could answer what i dont know...
And the gods must have been in attendance, hearing my cries at night! Because up came a book with the same title as my question! Written by Lundy Bancroft. I ordered it from amazon, as it must have been a sign! It came a day or two later, and it changed my life completely and forever. I wish i could meet this guy and kiss his feet.
All those questions that I had about my not so bad husband, was answered.
Please get the book.
You will understand why. You know, the why that is plaqueing you every waking moment...
Take care
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (31 May 2008):
 Hi Katrina
Today is a new day and laying awake at night is not going to change things or help you in the long run, you need your rest and so maybe stay with your mum and dad for a night or something while the children are looked after by him or something, or take them with you and get the love from your parents so that this boosts your confidence and you don't feel so drained.
Just remember to stay strong and if he is insistant about staying in the house then yes you are going to have a battle on your hands, just concentrate now on getting all the facts under your belt and get all the FREE advice you can right now.
You have rights because of the children so just stay strong as you will get through this believe me.
Glad that you are at least getting some support from this site OK.
Take care and will speak to you again if you need me anytime OK.
BFN
Sharon
P.S. Not around till Sunday pm now.
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A
female
reader, katrina1972 +, writes (31 May 2008):
katrina1972 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi and thanks again. i cant sleep tonight at all. went to bed at half ten,now half one, cant seem to nod off. he automatically didnt come to bed, went on the couch. i have only ever asked this of him 3 or 4 times and it is always a row. he just did it tonight. i know everything you are saying is right, sooo right, and yes, i am trying to justify things. im thinking, we all sit and have a family dinner, he takes kids out, pictures, football, skating, helpful to anyone anytime, takes his mum and dad tea, they have both had strokes, puts the bins out for them. im telling myself there are worse blokes out there, instead of seeing i would be better alone, i dont have to have someone to be happy. i think he is better than nothing but then its not really if i am so sad all the time. i have a bit of debt on my own and the mortgage is joint. Nothing else is in my name. the business we kept is in joint name, i am happy to leave that there at the minute, if it picks up i am entitles to be bought out or half profits, need to look into it, but ifit starts to get into debt i want out, i dont want to be accountable when i am basically a partner on paper nothing more. i ponder with the idea of a legal seperation. i have asked him to move out for a bit,hoping he would take me seriously, but he says as a mortgage payer he has a right to be in the home and is going nowhere. i tried to tell him he could afford to do that, whereas if i move out, on top of what he pays now, he would have to pay child support and help to my housing, this would bankrupt him and we would both be worse off. selling isnt an option as there is NO equity in the house, it would cost us more to sell. i think i will go to see a financial advisor, NOT my hsband though!!! also a family solicitor to see what i can do, what i would be entitles to etc and CAB, i so dont want to end my marriage, but i dont want to be ill either. and yes, the kids are starting to pick up on things, this is where i need to do something, my parents are still together and i never heard a bad word. i want that for my kids and i realise that staying here will only damage them in the long run. this last year since i lost all the weight, i have been a different person, i have had 'fun' with my kids for the first time in a long time, i have loads of energy and fell 21 again. the bipolar isnt a major issue, i have been on meds for 4 years since my doc agredd with my self diagnosis. it controls it to a point but my moods are defo agrivated by how he talks to me or what he does and doesnt do. he says i am impossible to please, but its only him that i have this problem with, none of my friens or family, just him. going to make a brew. fed up crying. thanks so much again. i know some good will come of this. glad i came on here,
xxx thanks
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (31 May 2008):
Look Katrina you can message me privately if you want as then your comments are private and that is entirely up to you OK.
Also the other lady on the site who answered you is more than welcome to contact me at any time.
When all said and done NOBODY can make you leave but right now you are making yourself ill and no matter what you say about your children believe me your daughter would cope. They are more resilient than we give them credit for. I know I have seen my sister and her 4 girls - twins who are almost 19 and one of 16 go through their parents divorce and they were a lot younger and my daughter go through her parents parting and she is now 7, I realise your daughter is older but believe me they pick up on the vibes in your home and the tension between you and your husband, children are far from stupid but they would much rather have a happier mum than one who is going to stick it out for the next 5 years but is always miserable.
I do know a little of bi-polar and OK so your husband has been there for you but there is many more people in this country who live the rest of their lives never actually realising they are bi-polar, someone close to my sister is bi-polar and a friend of mine is and providing they keep on their medication they live normal lives, sometimes feeling tired and needing support but you can get that away from your husband too.
It seems as though your problems are not going to get any better and if your husband is gambling as well then things are only going to get a lot worse.
If you decided to split and sell the house and walk away then it would be better than bankruptcy granted but these days you can go through bankruptcy and be out of it within a year depending on the circumstances and the stigma that used to be associated with someone going bankrupt is not the same anymore. Trust me I have looked into this to and if an IVA is not an option then it seems to me like your credit rating is not great either so don't think that this is the end for you it may be a blessing in disguise honest.
You need to make yourself strong again and I totally can relate to weight gain because of comfort eating as I parted with my ex 3 years ago and lost my dad last February and my weight has gone up and down during that time and I am not happy with my appearance right now but I am not going to sit around and moan about it, I will get there when I know that I am ready for it all.
I think that you are trying to justify your husband's behaviour and hiding behind the affect a split would have on your children rather than facing up to it. The security of what you currently know is so much nicer than thinking about the alternative.
Just go and find out what your rights are and don't sit around for the next 5 years wasting your life and in 5 years time when your daughter is much older and tells you that she knew you were never happy and this affects her in her adult life the damage will have then been done.
You have to stand up for you and your children now and make positive moves for your future. Your husband will drag you down with him if he is in a downward spiral of debt, try and find out if he has put anything in your name or not as this would affect your ability for credit in the future. However if this is all in his name then the impact on you is much less OK.
Here anytime for you OK. Will be away until late afternoon on Sunday but just keep talking and keep proactive OK.
You DON'T have to put up with his behaviour anymore you know. Your life is what you make of it and I know deep down there is a much stronger woman waiting to break free of the shackles that are holding her back.
Keep smiling sweetheart and enjoy the love your children give to you as they are the blessing we have in life.
BFN
Country Woman (S)
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A
female
reader, katrina1972 +, writes (30 May 2008):
katrina1972 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for that. i will have a look at the website, what is the address?? womens aid, i will google it. I do seem to think that i am overreacting, well, i dont but i do question the fact, do you know what i mean!! i think, nice home, not bad off, although we cant pay off debts we arent starving etc, nice kids, my eldest daughter just went into private school last september, at the time i didnt know our financial situation, him being a financial advisor with his own company and him dealing with all the monetory side of things, i never questioned it. he has on occasion said that if we split up he would continue to pay the fees, but although he has raised her from being 1 year old, she is his stepdaughter when all is said and done, her father died and my hsband is the only dad she has known, but on paper he wouldnt be held responsible for her. i doubt he would stop paying the fees but she is a very sensitive girl and it took her until a month or so ago to settl ein as she knew nobody ther. she cried every night and morning. to move her now would kill her. i know kids are resilient but it would destroy her confidence. in my mind i am sticking out the next 5 years until school is done, i will save and save and save and then aim to leave him then, but i will have another 5 years of wondering what he will do in the night, and what he is lying about etc, i dont know what that will do to me in the long run. im far from posh, i just want the best for my kids, the local school they wanted us to put her in has last year appointed a resident sopper, costing the schools funds £12,000. a year, to cope with srugs and bullying etc. they are even talking about putting a sniffer dog in!! So, i went back to work to bring extra cash in , but i pay for the shopping etc out of that and he pays all thebills, mortgage school etc. we have never had my oney and his money, we just spend jointly, no borrowing etc, i thought it worked great, he earned and i spent!! lol, but i wish i had kept my eye on it as now i see no way out. we can even do an IVA to clear any of it as in his job her would be struck off and then we would go bankrupt and lose everything, i feel stuck in such an awful place, cant go but dont want to stay. it is making me ill again, HE is making me ill again, and as much as i know it, i pray every day for him to just change and let everything be ok. o dont think i a m asking much but he thinks i am asking the world.
thanks for answering, i so much appreciate all the input i can get.
x
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A
female
reader, katrina1972 +, writes (30 May 2008):
katrina1972 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi CW, thankyou for replying!!! I am sat here in tears that someone is so understanding for me. I have a really good friend who has known my husband longer than me, but knows everything and supports me 100%. Her daughter took me to the police station for my photos when he had hit me. Anyway, it just sometimes feels like i am telling her the same story over and over again and i get embarrassed, i feel that i need to take her advice like you and DO something about it. I recently started selling on ebay and have kept the money to myself, just in case.... . I do work, i am self employed this last 2 weeks, i used to work for him, he owned a business, well 2, but one closed and he took an employed position, his employers took me on to carry on being his PA, but on a self employed basis. I only work part time, we are as a couple entitled to tax credits, but as the norm, we got overpaid, so are having to pay back the £11 a week we are entitled to. We have good earnings, but we owe it all out every month. Did i mention that he 'was' a gambler too? He says he doesnt anymore, i see he doesnt out of the household income, but we have another business and he has credit cards with it, as far as i know he may be still doing this.im going to sound a right silly cow now, but he, in general is a decent bloke. No nights out with the lads, he washes up, irons, doesnt leave towels around etc. I have bipolar disorder also and he kind of tolerates my mood swings, but doesnt understand them. I dont know WHY i want to stay in the home, we owe all the mortgage, £269,000. adn we have £110,000.00 on cards , £30,00 of which is mine from doing up the house. I cant afford the mortgage of £1400.00 a month if he moves out and if i move out, i feel more for the kids having to leave their home tha i do for myself. i have just noticed an advert on here as i am typing for 'find your russian beauty' nice, just to make me feel better. :( i Know that i will never be truly happy or in love again with him, no matter how much i love him, i am not in love with him anymore. All his energy and focus goes into work and not me and the kids. I have tried and tried to make our marriage work and he just cant be bothered. I am 36, i put a lot of weight on after my 2nd daughter, i piled on 6 stone in 5 years, but last year i did a mad diet and lost 6 stone in 4 months! I was exstatic wiht myself, back to my old self, i think i can see now that the weight went on through lack of confidence about my sexual self. i felt unnatractive because of him so ate to comfort. well it stopped last year. i though maybe now the 'fat' had gone he would change, but i think he is worse. i am seeing that i am eating again, and there is NO way i am letting that happen to me again. I fell sexy, wanted, i see men looking at me, i feel great, then i come homw to no attention and being touched up when i am asleep. i hate him for doing this to us. I just cant get up the courage to leave. i keep thinking, maybe this time he will believe how bad things are and change, for me for him for us, buthe doesnt. he says he is working his self silly to pay off the debts etc, but that to me shouldnt take away our intimacy. thankyou for answering me, i dont feel too silly now, sometimes he makes me think i am overeacting, well, he tells me that all the time actually. i cant even watch telly with him, britains got talent last night, when the first guy came on, i switched off, he was singing, but the dancers, who looked great, looked to me like he would be getting off on the fact that their leotards were up their bottoms etc, instead of enjoying their performance, i now only see what i think her would see, sex and porn. I hate him for this.thanks againkatrina
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008): Only today I wrote a list of all the things (bit like yours) my husband of 15 years has done to me - it was quite a list. There is more but I will get it all down on paper. I plan to use this information in my divorce. I am also planning to call "Women's Aid" who have a hotline because I am so depressed and low about myself sometimes I think I am imagining it hence why I wrote lots down I need to speak with people who can say 'yes - thats right you are not going mad'. Its clear you know you are being subjected to emotional and physical abuse but I don't think until you speak to a professional who you can open up to will you take action. Its like you need it qualifying because I personally can't accept the businessman, timid and introvert man I am married to can, in private, treat me like he does. The reason I know things are wrong is that I am not the woman I was, I am dying on the inside, I am like a sinking ship and I am not the woman I used to be. All I can say to you is that there is a life away from it all I hang on to that. Please visit the website and call the helpline. You have nothing to lose.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (30 May 2008):
Sweetheart you are so much better off out of this relationship, no one should be treated this way by their husband.
You are not helping your children by staying in this relationship as you are becoming weaker and weaker every day, once porn comes into a relationship the dynamics change, believe me.
I know a good friend of mine tolerated lots of physical abuse and it nearly cost her everything including her life.
Don't sit around and let this continue anymore, once a man has hit you and has got away with it he becomes complacent to it all and it hardens him to the point that he now knows that he can do it whenever he wants. I think the fact that he has raised a hand to you means that the next time it could be your children in the way.
Start getting active by letting your parents know what is going on and also get along to your local CAB (Citizens Advice Bureau) and find out what your rights are. Go to your local council and also get your name down on the housing list, no you may well not be a priority right now but don't move out of the house just yet. Get legal advice as far as I know no matter how much money is owed right now you have rights if your children are under the age of 18 so start to make plans but don't let him know what they are OK.
You need to safeguard yourself and the children and if anyone is moving out then it is him.
Do you work at all?
How old are your children?
Do you have any access to any money of your own at all?
You cannot live with someone who waits until you are asleep to start abusing you in this way, sexually as this is so degrading for you and so unfair, he is probably getting turned on by online images and then wanting the real thing.
I think it is time for separate bedrooms but if he can be volatile then you need to start thinking about your safety and that of the children.
Obviously the police have a record of his arrest and that is much better for your rights on wanting him away from you and the children. You may need to get orders in place so that he cannot harm you in any way once you decide to put your plans in action as he is not behaving in a normal way but seems as though he has lost all control and that is not something you want to spark off again.
If he is not prepared to get help then there is not much more you can do but don't be the doormat for him to walk all over, you have given your marriage a decent chance but now he has gone over the line of responsible behaviour and from where I am sitting it doesn't seem as though there is any way back from this.
Just get active and find out your entitlements OK.
Money isn't everything believe me and you are entitled to help no matter how small that can be. Do you get any tax credits or working tax credits at all?
If you are on your own and living in either rented or council property then you are entitled as say a single mother to income support, your rent paid for up to a 3 bedroom property (amounts paid for rented property depends on limits set by your local council) or they can sometimes put you in council or rent to buy properties but you need to get on the housing list first before you become eligible for anything. Worse case scenario is sometimes going into temporary housing or B & B's but as there has been physical abuse sometimes authorities will put someone at risk into safe housing but it all depends on how you feel things are going to go with your husband.
Look there are so many things to think about but no one is going to make them happen apart from you, so you need to think hard about what you want to do.
Get the facts and figures first and no what you are entitled to before taking the next steps OK.
Get your friends and family support around you as well as you cannot hide this forever OK.
I wish you all the very best and always here for you OK.
BFN
Country Woman
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