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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My husband just admitted to a long term affair. His mistress put a post on Facebook telling everyone about the affair because they had a spat. So my husband decided hearing it from him would be best. I am devastated by this. And I'm struggling to forgive him. But we agreed to work on our marriage. One of the conditions I imposed is to cut this woman out of his life permanently. To go no contact. He blocked her everywhere. And told me he wanted to be with me. And was very sorry for all the pain he's caused me. He assured me the affair is over. I went through his phone and found a secret email account. I saw that my husband's mistress had sent several distraught messages to him after he blocked her. He did not block her on this email. And he responded to her a few days ago. And has sent her two messages so far. He has told her how much he misses her. How much he is suffering without her. How much he loves her. Asking her about her life. What she's been up to. And he told her I have him on a short leash. He is blaming me! I can't believe my eyes. It seems to me he is still very much interested in keeping her. And it seems to me that when he has a chance, he will see her again and resume their relationship!Am I wrong about this? How can he want to work on saving this marriage if he's keeping in touch with his mistress?Why can't he just let her go?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2020): I am the poster of the question. Here is an update. He sent her a message saying he would like to try couple's counselling with me. Because I am his rock. That he owes it to our marriage to try but that he doesn't know if our marriage will survive. His mistress begged him not to abandon her. He called her sweetie and told her he'd never abandon her but can't see her. Not now. He told her how much he wants her. And that he can't stop thinking about her. That he loves her and misses her. He told her to keep in touch on their secret account because he cares about her and her life and wants to make sure she is coping and doing okay. She begged to see him because she has a lot to say to him and feels he owes her a face to face meet after all the years they spent together. He agreed. They will be meeting soon. Why would he agree to such a thing?
Does this sound like a man who is working on saving his marriage?
Maybe I should just skip the counselling?
It seems to me like he is giving her hope. He hasn't ENDED this affair. He hasn't told her it's over. And shut the door. It's pretty devastating to me. He doesn't know I have seen the messages. What should I do now?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2020): A divorce is messy, emotionally-draining, intense, and expensive. Even worse, when you have young children! It also means you must divide your assets and property. Scoundrels and philanderers have affairs in spite of maintaining their marriages; because "it's cheaper to keep her!" Plus it's an ego-booster to have two women competing for you at the same-time! Your indecision buys him time.
The mind of a cheater rationalizes their behavior to dull their conscience. In their minds, what they're doing is justified in someway. Like a child caught with their hand in the cookie jar, they will lie their way out of trouble; but everybody knows they're going to cheat again anyway. They are only sorry they got caught! What exactly did you expect from a guy who got blasted by his mistress on Facebook? If she kept it under-wraps, it would have carried-on behind your back. By divine-intervention, you caught him at it again. You deserve to know the truth. He probably lied to her about leaving you. She decided to out their affair, and destroy your marriage; and let you know what you've got for a husband. Well, now you know!
The marriage will never survive; unless you can trust him. His credibility is totally shot; and you have evidence to confirm that he cheated, and still is!
It is further evident he does not want to save the marriage.
Trade-in your leash for a good divorce attorney. Know your legal rights. He still wants her, and he has told her in his own words that he misses her; but you're in the way. He might make a decision before you do.
You can't save a marriage, if both of you don't want the same-thing; nor will you really ever trust him after this. Even if you do decide to forgive him, and stayed with him. Once a partner becomes both a liar and a cheater, trust is all gone.
We are not here to convince you to leave your husband. That's not our call, it is your decision to make. We will help you to sort-out your feelings; while you review the facts.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (21 July 2020):
 He's still in contact with her because he is a cheat and a liar, because he believes he can get away with it and because he does not have enough respect for you or your relationship to stay away from his mistress. I am a firm believer in not believing what someone says but, rather, watching how they behave. THAT is what matters.
You know your husband is a cheat. You know he is a liar. You are not going to change him. That is who he is. He has made you promises about ending this affair and this woman that he had absolutely zero intention of keeping. You will NEVER trust him again because you now know he will lie to your face and still do what he wants behind your back. Personally I would find that quite insulting.
You are not going to change him. What you CAN do, however, is change yourself. I can only imagine how you are feeling at the moment. Is this how you want to live? Give yourself time to decide what you are going to do but, honestly, I doubt there is really any way back from this that will give you any peace of mind. Sorry. I feel for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2020): The real question here is do you want to continue on being married to someone you clearly can’t trust? He only told you about the affair in the first place because he knew you were about to find out anyway. Not because he had regret or remorse for what he’d been doing. Not because he felt it was the right thing to do. That says a lot already, but he had a chance to redeem himself and still blew it by continuing contact with her after making it look to you like he’d blocked her on everything. He isn’t sorry for how he made you feel, nor does he even care. He’s not a good person, and thinks only about what he wants, which is to keep both you and her. Obviously he is getting something beneficial to him out of both relationships, but he doesn’t truly love either of you...he loves himself.
Please leave him. It’s the only way the choice will ever be made between you and her, is to take the choice away from him by making it for him. Otherwise, you can count on him continuing to cheat. Even if you were to manage to stop him from seeing her in particular, he would just find someone else.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (20 July 2020):
 The trust barrier has been broken, once this barrier has been broken its very hard to carry on in a happy relationship/marriage.
He assured you it was over, claiming he has blocked her everywhere. Then behind your back he is creating secret email accounts and telling her how he is missing her, and how he is suffering without her.
I don't think he will leave the security of a marriage and be with her, married guys invarible never do.
If it come's to a point where he say's its over with her, how are you going to ever believe him, or a word he says again. Like i said, once someone has betrayed your trust its very hard to ever trust them again.
i think the question is, do you want to go on married to him with the knowledge that he has got a mistress on the side. Its a tough pill to swallow i know. Lots of woman continue in a marriage in this way. It depends if your strong enough to continue like this, in a trustless marriage.
Or if its to much for you, then file for divorce and leave him to his mistress. I assure you, if you divorced him the relationship with the mistress woulden't be lasting to much longer either.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2020): HiThis must be horrible for you and I'm so sorry you're going through this, but I think it might help you long term if you realise a couple of things. Firstly he was never going to tell you about this affair. He only did so because he was caught between a rock and a hard place. He HAD to tell you or let you find out via social media and he decided that to hear it from him would be best and may result in him being able to perform some damage limitation i.e. avoid a divorce and avoid him losing half of everything. If they hadn't had an argument where she outed him, you would still be non the wiser and he would be continuing getting his jollies behind your back. Don't forget, he didn't suddenly feel remorse and want to return to being faithful, he had to perform damage limitation. Hence all the empty promises he pushed your way.Secondly, it has not escaped my notice from friends and from posts on here, that if a man is getting extra sex from a woman he has started an affair with, unless things go wrong between them, then he's not going to give it up easily. What he told you was what you wanted to hear, but it wasn't true. Quite obviously. He has lied to your face about this and probably many times before to actually be able to conduct the affair in the first place. He still wants to see her and have sex with her as soon as is possible. Hence the secret email account. Your husband isn't faithful. Your husband has no intention of being faithful. He has every intention of carrying on having sex with this woman as much as he can and try to pull the wool over your eyes, so he can have his cake and eat it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 July 2020):
 He has told you what he THINKS you want to hear. Not how he truly feels.
He still wants his cake and eat it too. So he still want the outward appearance and status of being a married man, but he also wants to keep his mistress.
You are surprised that he is blaming you to his mistress? Seriously? HE isn't taking responsibility for anything here, he said all the "right" but EMPTHY words he knew you wanted to hear so YOU would BACK off and the mistress would be mad at YOU, not him. It is SO much easier to paint YOU as the "bad guy" here, not the two of them.
My question to you is this, WHAT do you want? Obviously he IS NOT going to keep his promise to you and REALLY ditch her, so where does that leave YOU? Your marriage?
You ask, why can't he just let her go? Because he doesn't WANT to.
He doesn't REALLY want to save his marriage. He doesn't WANT to work on the marriage. He wants to pretend that life is back to before you knew.
The thing is HE doesn't LOVE her to the point where he is willing to give up what he HAS with you, to be with her 100% of the time. BUT he is also NOT willing to letting her go and work on the marriage.
I think YOU have to decide if you WANT to stay married to him or not. And then act accordingly.
As I see it you have 3 options:
1. Get a divorce and "take" half.
2. Confront him about the email and get couples counseling. Work on the marriage. (though it may not work and he might NEVER really drop her)
3. stick your head in the sand and keep being married to a cheater who has a mistress.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2020): You know your husband lied to you before, many times, so it should be no surprised that he is lying yet again.You have no idea of what went on with his mistress but maybe she dumped him and he was angry and upset and blocked her, then when he realised he missed her he tries to repair the damage. Some men are able to love and care for two women but in my experience when a man has a wife and a girlfriend he usually takes advantage of and disrespects, lies to and short changes both. I've always wondered how a man who fails with just one woman can believe that he is succeeding to keep two happy. When the other woman is single it is far more difficult, she can get demanding and threaten to end it if things do not improve. The married woman is more likely to want to see him less because she has other commitments and is busier and she can get love, affection, sex and friendship and do all those normal things that people do together with her husband.If you ask him about all this he will lie again and you will want to believe him as you tried to before. If you say it is over then what? You will desperately try to persuade yourself he means what he tells you, despite knowing deep down he is lying. He already knows you are weaker than him and he can persuade you.Ask yourself why he is still with you if he is this keen on the other one? Is it because she is married or is there something holding him back from leaving you - is this you or something else? A lot of married men fall in love with their girlfriends yet do not want to leave and be with them full time. Is this the case?Only you know what you want to do now, but remember he is dishonest when you speak to him.
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