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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I've been with my husband for 17 years and married for 15. During our relationship I have always been honest and faithful and gone through a lot with him. In the past, he has given me many reasons not to trust him but still, I stayed and moved on. I became friends with another guy and because i knew what his reaction would be, I kept it a secret. He now knows about the entire friendship and accuses me of sneaking around. I explained my reasons for sneaking and in my defense, the only thing I did wrong was keep it a secret. My husband now acts like I had an affair and is consumed with jealousy and said he can't trust me anymore.I am getting agravated because I did not cheat on him and he is acting like I did! I'm trying to find a councelor for both of us but don't know what else to do and I'm getting frustrated. He is pushing me away by acting like this.Help!
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male
reader, jankycarlo  +, writes (23 May 2010):
i've been with my wife for 7 years and married for 5 and throughout our relationship she has always accused me of infidelity, because of an incident i confessed to which occured prior to us being married. For 6 years i stood fast while she accused me on a daily basis of being a cheater and a liar, about a year ago i happened to come into access of one of her internet socializing accounts, i discovered that she had been having sex with 3 different men and at the very least planning on having affairs with a dozen others (i wish i was exagerating) i'm not sure how but either because i'm a schmuck or whatever reason (truth be told i loved her) i gave her another chance as we have a child if not children. The worst thing is, however, that she gets mad at me for not trusting her anymore, even though right before i caught her she adamantly insisted that i was a lunatic and she was not cheating she finally admitted it only after i read two of the incriminating e-mails to her outloud, alas this really has been the final straw. I stay with her now only for the children as she constantly speaks of how she plans to move to new york if i'm not with her, (her family lives there) and i really want to be a father to my children. One day after finding clues of her continuing betrayal i decided to find out whether if i could I could get her to admit anything if i confessed to an affair (I thought maybe she would feel less guilty and open-up) It didn't work and now i'm being called a hypocrite constantly. The affair I confessed to never happened but i will never tell her that because then i would be a liar and a hypocrite. Recently a weight was finally lifted from my shoulders when i finally admitted to myself that no matter what she would never be someone that i should trust. I've stopped asking her where she's going and where she's been i don't know and i don't want to know. The sad part of it is are marriage has never been more civil, i realize the reason we constantly argued now was that i was still passionately in love with her and this allowed her to hurt me with her actions, I felt as if she was calling me a fool behind my back and also to my face but i no longer care what her or her friends (whom she also trash talks) thinks of me. I realize her opinion is not worth my worry i recommend that if all you had was truly a friendship with this gentleman that you give your husband complete access to any means which could prove this as it will hopefully satisy his suspicions and if it was more that a friendship then you should either confess and let the initial anger wear off before you come to any conclusion on whether to continue the marriage or not, I feel that trust should be thought of as a driver's license (it's a priviledge, not a right) unfortunately some people should never be allowed to drive.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2008): I really respect your honesty in your last post. Very best of luck working things out with your husband.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2008): Thank you for the responses. Although I hate hearing I have come to the conclusion I have been having an emotional affair.
I didn't want it to happen but I didn't stop it particularly because I didn't realize it. I thought we were just friends but I guess based on how I feel it was more. Yes, I became attached, I looked forward to seeing him and talking to him, I felt so good with him and was happy. I haven't never laughed that much and that's sad.
I know I have to make it stop and end it which is hard since I have to see him a few times a week but somehow I have to do it.
Now to figure out how.
For the record, I knew my husbands reaction based on the way he has acted in the past which is another reason it made it such a secret but regardless, I have to fix things.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2008): How could you have known for sure what his reaction would be if you haven't ever put yourself in a similar situation before? You made a big assumption of your husband which allowed you to justify your 'innocent' behaviour. There is nothing innocent about deceit, lies, sneaking around.
He "accuses me of sneaking around" - that's beacause you did so he is entirely correct to say this.
"in my defense, the only thing I did wrong was keep it a secret" - you are really, really, really kidding yourself on this one.
We all have attraction to other people from time to time but you acted upon yours (just because it didn't become physical doesn't necessarily mean that you have not cheated). If you go to counselling you may see that there are several stages that build up to an affair - with sex being the last. You may have already met several of these stages, which is probably what your husband recognises (eg meeting, feeling attraction without disclosing feelings to OM, secrecy from spouse etc)
"My husband now acts like I had an affair and is consumed with jealousy and said he can't trust me anymore." - I'd say that this is a completely normal reaction to finding out that your partner of 17 years has been lying to you about another man.
I am in a fairly similar position to your husband in the fact that I found out that my husband had a 'friendship' with a coworker 8 months ago. He said some of the the exact same things as you - innocent other than not telling me. All this time later, I still don't know the truth because of all the lying, and don't forget, it wasn't lies on one day, there is continual lying over weeks/months of the friendship - do you see? If you were to say that "the only thing I did wrong was to continually lie to my partner for three (or whatever) months, not believe in your bond with him enough to communicate about an entirely innocent friendship, and betray his trust in order to just be friends with another man", you would start to be heading to the ball park of what you "only " did wrong.
You need to accept that you HAVE cheated in some way - if not in a sexually, then at least emotionally/trust betrayal - before you can move forward on this. Google 'emotional affair', this may wake you up to yourself.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (1 October 2008):
 The next is the absolute truth, I swear it. I am the queen of england.
I am a 37 year old male.
The first is a lie, the second is not. BUT after the first lie, why would you trust me the second time?
That is the problem with cheating (and did you not have an emotional affair with this friend) it makes you a liar and everything you say and do afterwards is tainted.
That is when trust ends, just as he says. How can he trust anything you say, when what you say has been proven false?
How would you feel if the roles were reversed?
In the past, you say, he has given you reasons not to trust him, similar emotional affairs. How did it make you feel? Yet you went ahead and did the same to him.
You two really need to talk out what you are doing to each other. Counceling sounds like a good idea, but accept that while the fault lies with both of you but the current crisis was started by you having an emotional affair.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (30 September 2008):
 I agree with the other male reply. All your husband has to base his opinion on are your lies. Worst of all, you lied about another man. You may of had a reason not to tell but what male/female relationship could be more important than the one you have with your husband? If you had issues with your husband you should have worked them out...above board. What your husband sees now is another man you desired to spend time with, behind his back. As a man, your husband wonders what attracted you to the other guy and what made it so important that you chose to lie about it. You may have rationalized to yourself why it was a reasonable option to lie. It didn't pan out for you.
Although you may not have physically cheated, you acted in a sneaky manner causing fear and jealousy in your husband. In this case I believe it's well founded jealousy. Your husband didn't imagine the scenario, it happened. This may haunt your husband for a long time. He may always wonder what happened between the two of you. He may wonder..."if she lied about this, what else did she lie about ? " Unfortunately, those would be valid questions. You just have to hope he believes you.
Does your husband give you reason to lie to him? If he does, you need to fix that aspect of your relationship. Being sneaky will only bolster his fears when he eventually finds out your lies. In his mind it will prove all his worst fears.
It is also possible he has flirted in the past and fears you're doing the same thing. He knows how these situations go and he's afraid you'll get caught up in it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2008): When you say you knew what his reaction would be,is that beacause if the shoe was on the other foot you would find it unacceptable? I am not convinced that at the very very least you have cheated emotionaly.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2008): He's acting like you cheated because you acted as if you were. My guess is, he is in turmoil, wondering if you're telling the truth.
There is no way of convincing other than lie detector test.
Good luck
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