A
female
age
41-50,
*inigirl
writes:I have been married for 7 years now and I must say my life with him has been a roller coaster.I have never really felt "in Love" with him.(this I think was because of my age when we got together and the fact that I was very insecure) Sex is awful I can count with my hands the amount of time I have actually enjoyed it. I think I am in love with the fact that he helps with the house work, does a lot of work around the house all the time. But now this may sound weird but I feel I am useless and can't do anything right. He is very controlling! I can't make a decision if I do he has influenced it. I am very close to my parents and he just hates that. That really pisses me off and he knows that. We have a beautiful 4year old daughter, she can be a little overwhelming sometimes but I love her with all my heart. I have wanted to leave him so many times I have told him this but he keeps saying that our daughter will suffer from this, and it will he your fault.He does blame me for a lot of things which really stresses me out. I feel very useless and feel that I am only here to support the household financially and thats all.I have also asked him why he loves me, he could not answer me. We have had counselling 5years ago but that didn't help.I am not sure if it is time to say good bye, I am tired and just finished. Please help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2007): I think that he probably said to try again for your daughter perhaps to pull on your heart strings and also because men think that is what we want to hear when infact we want to hear what we mean to them aswell.
Dont throw all hope for your relationship out of the window, it can still work as long as that is what you want, you remain in control and you dont make it too easy to walk right back in.
It is a good sign that he is willing to listen to you, even though it may be a little too late and the damage is already done. Perhaps he can turn this around if he continues to learn to listen and try to understand the way you feel.
Dont forget that there is hope for you, make sure everything that needs to be said is said and if you decide to try again then start afresh and leave the past truely in the past. Whatever you do. Strive for happiness. x
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female
reader, Minigirl +, writes (5 November 2007):
Minigirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFor the past two days my husband has sat down with me and talked. He has listened to me I have told him everything and all things that he has done to me. He said OMG I am soo sorry. He does realize what he put me through and I couldn't believe that he actually wanted to hug me. I said you never did that before when I really needed you, why now?I am confused, he does want to work this out and he is going to give me his 100%. But he does want to seek councilling before we ever make any final decision.Right now I am feeling very depressed and can't seem to function very well here at work. I know there are so many people that say he will never change but could there ever be a possibility? I have heard of a few people breaking up for 6months or more then get back together and found love once again.Deep down inside I wish this but we were talking last night and his last words to me were "If it wasn't for our daughter we probably would give up but for her I want to make this work!" This should be for us not just our daughter, I am not sure how to take that statement.Thanks everyone for your adviceThi
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2007): Hiya, Definately mention to your doctor the stress you are under at the moment and see what he/she suggests. Some kind of mediator might help, that way everyone gets everything off their chests and the blame is never laid on one side. Also it will give you both the opourtunity to discuss what arrangement you want to come to reguarding your daughter. Dont be bothered by him trying to say you are filling your daughters head, she will make her own mind up reguardless of what either of you tell her. The main thing is that she knows she is loved by both of you and that she will never have to choose between you. Get all the rest and food you can,this whole situation is exhausting. Stay strong and take care x
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male
reader, dapone 1  +, writes (3 November 2007):
 Hello mini Girl.
I am pleased that you have done the right thing by leaving him, he was really no good for you both, i am also sorry that he is using this, all your fault attitude toward you, (never learns does he) it will at this time be in your best interest to keep your daughter with you, because if he takes her he will brain wash her against you, and that would be a heart break you can do without, i know it is going to be hard for you at this stage, my heart really goes out to you both.
He will try every trick in the book, but i have faith IN YOU, and i know YOU will stand your ground against him, which will seem hard but he is a looser and you are NOT, you will find it hard for a while but in time to come you will become stronger and you and your daughter will have a wonderful life together believe me.
I think it would be a great idea to see your Doctor and tell them the problem you are having they may be able to help you through this, and possibly suggest other groups who will be able to support you through this time.
I really do wish you and your daughter well, through this ordeal and know YOU will be winner, when this is over and you look back at this event you will smile to your self and think, gosh what a lucky escape i have had.
I wish you both all the best, and good luck in the future.
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female
reader, Minigirl +, writes (3 November 2007):
Minigirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I got through one night. I have had no sleep and not much to eat. I still feel aweful I really don't like the fact that my life is so messed up right now.
Last night he came for our daughter and wanted her for the night, well she did not want to go. He blamed that on me saying I was filling her head with stuff. As much as I am sad right now, I COULD NEVER do that, she is only 4 years old!! and soo confused. Would seeking professional help, do us good? I am going to see my Dr. on Monday.
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male
reader, quarky +, writes (3 November 2007):
 I'd just want to say that I've just left my wife for similar reasons. For me, no matter what a so called 'good wife' she wanted to be, somehow, something was missing. Since I've left, I know It's been the right thing to do and, despite the hurt, and my daughter, I know it was the right thing to do. If you don't feel the same, maybe It's time to try again. But if, in your heart, you know leaving is the only way YOU can get on with your life- then good on you- life is truly too, too short.
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male
reader, dapone 1 +, writes (3 November 2007):
Hello mini girl.
I am really pleased that you have had the courage to leave him, he would have in the end made both your live in a mess,
I wish you all the best and hope you both have a wonderful life with out him.
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female
reader, Minigirl +, writes (2 November 2007):
Minigirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I left him this morning. I feel aweful and I really feel sad for him. I have my daughter with me right now. I am really nervous to talk to him but I should call him today. I really appreciate all of the advice you all gave me. I have contacted the lawyer, and we are to go and see him next week.
He came to my parents house were I am staying. That was sooo hard! But he showed no remorse, does not suprise me.
Anyway Thanks to all of you, I NEVER thought it would be this hard.
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female
reader, Minigirl +, writes (2 November 2007):
Minigirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I left him this morning. I feel aweful and I really feel sad for him. I have my daughter with me right now. I am really nervous to talk to him but I should call him today. I really appreciate all of the advice you all gave me. I have contacted the lawyer, and we are to go and see him next week.
He came to my parents house were I am staying. That was sooo hard! But he showed no remorse, does not suprise me.
Anyway Thanks to all of you, I NEVER thought it would be this hard.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2007): I have a husband who is very controlling. It has ground down my self confidence and self esteem which makes matters worse because then it is easy to blame yourself or just not act on your true feelings - you forget what they are at times!! The fact you have wanted to leave often means that now you must gain some momentum to actually make it happen - as I have. Maybe start to make the first small steps - ones he will not notice. Find out all you need to about finances, the divorce process, where you could live, a budget, build your support network of friends and family and maybe a hobby or interest that means a new focus, have a make-over clear those old clothes out and pamper yourself - do all the practical things that build your foundations. Keep a diary of each day and what happens and what you feel - as it is easy over time to forget or brush over it making excuses that he is ok round the house when in actual fact you are incredibly unhappy. When you read this diary back in a month or two ( I would suggest perhaps you get through Christmas before taking action) ask yourself if this was someone elses life what advice would you give. If you feel able to, show it to a close friend. I have obtained counselling (integrative / gestalt approach) which is very supportive and non judgemental and it is a lifeline in being able to speak freely and hear yourself say things you're not able to day to day. All I can say is there is no point living a half life - life is not a dress rehearsal. This is it! You have been very loyal and put everyone else first - difficult as it seems it is time to put your own happiness first.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2007): Hiya,
We have one shot at life, right. So in situations like yours why would you choose to stay?
Yes your daughter may suffer because mommy and daddy dont love each other but as long as she knows that you both love her then she will deal with it. Children are diamonds at coping with whatever is thrown at them, so long as they are not left in the dark. You do them no favours by staying in a non-functional, non loving relationship and as your daughter develops she will see what daddy treats mommy like and think that it is normal....by staying you could be shaping her future, children are impressionable and yourself and her father are ment to be role models.
All of the symptoms of this relationship are based around control. Your husband doesnt want you to be right he wants to tell you that he is right, he doesnt like you being close to your family for fear that they may leave an impression on you and convince you to leave.
Slowly he will make you isolated, unable to see your family and you still wont be getting anything right and it will be all your fault (or so he will tell you)
So make a choice. Do you want your daughter to end up in a relationship like yours? Do you want her not to learn the values of having love in a relationship? Do you want her relationships to fail because she doesnt know how to show affection because she has never seen it between her parents? Do you want to find love, feel wanted, have great sex?
You know what to do, your daughter will be fine. Just go and make yourself happy, dont stay where there is no love.
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reader, dapone 1 +, writes (2 November 2007):
hello.
i rely feel for you and your daughter,people who control their spouse are a kin to a play ground bully,they bully you enough so that you do not know your own mind, he his trying to convince you that no matter what you think, say, and do you are always in the wrong, and he is always right, control freaks are a strange bunch, when your daughter becomes a certain age he will start the same tactic with her,it just goes to show how his mind is trying to work, he told you if you leave him your daughter will suffer, in fact this statement should be in reverse, if you dont get your daughter away from him then he and he alone will be the cause of her suffering.
I know your daughter can be a hand full she is at that wonderful stage, were they are in ore of the world forever chattering on,and into everything it is great to see that in a person of her age,i now you love her to bits but if you stay with him she will start to become withdrawn and quit, i have seen this happen to other people in your situation, for both your sake please do not let this happen, if you can leave tomorrow then you should, you both need a better life than you have at present,you need your thoughts to be your own and not planted in your head by some who want to take over your life ordering you to obey his last every wish.
I hope this will help you, good luck to you both.
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