A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: So I am posting a big question about my life, I am not sure if it fits with the nature of the contents here but I hope to get an answer! I am 34 years old and I feel that I am 50 years old , gay, middle eastern to Muslim parents, I didn’t choose this but this is who I am. My parents were pushing me to get married for the last 8 years. not only my parents, but my whole family , friends, co-workers, friends of friends etc. for them and it’s a cultural thing that I should get married, I keep giving excuses that I am not ready, but I cant give excuses anymore, financially I am ready , my age is more than prefect to do so , but simply I cant. my parents keep telling me that you are useless, not serious and they think that I don’t want to get married because I have many girlfriends and I like to play around, which also hurts and I am always speechless. I told my best friends about my sexuality and they are not friends anymore, it hurts in way, so difficult! they do make fun of me, like on of them , tagged me of a picture of hot guy on social media , asking me what do you think? are these friends? I feel that I wasted my life with the wrong people. I don’t want to be alone but I cant make it with a girl, my life is hard, all the people I know are married and no one hangs out with me and if they do I will be surrounded with couples and it also hurts I failed 3 relationships with guys, I wasn’t lucky and I lived very little and most of these relationships were awful , painful and full of drama.Everything I do is by myself , I have no body, I have no friends, I travel alone, I celebrate occasions alone, My day is 8-5 at work, then I go home and watch TV , I lost my interests of going out or meeting new guys, I do have some gay friends, but don’t see them a lot and they have different perspectives about life. and I am not really into the gay sceneI tried to move to western countries, will i managed to live in Australia but it wasn’t easy in terms of finding jobs, visa restrictions and I was not able survive so had to go back.I was searching for a marriage for convenience but the pool is very limited and I cant find any.there is a girl at my work, she is around my age and she really likes me and I like to hang out with her , she is really nice, but she is looking for something else and I cant help it , I cant be straight and I don’t want to treat her bad or break her heart, she doesn’t deserve but I cant come out to her Now, what should I do in my life? I feel its hopeless, I don’t want to be alone and there is no way to get married and I cant find a bf ( maybe one day) but I feel that I will be rejected and no one will like me. I became alcoholic and I drink a lot just to sleep and stop thinking What should I do in my life? Please advice
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alcoholic, at work, best friend, co-worker, middle eastern, muslim Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (20 April 2016):
 You have gotten a lot of great advice here, so I will not repeat what was already said.One suggestion I have is to ask if you have considered becoming a student and getting a degree (higher education) to a country that is very accepting of homosexuality and even allows for gay marriage. It would mean a major lifestyle change, but you would have a few years of doing a masters or phd to get used to the new country, and as a student, there are many services available to you through the university to help you deal with some of your personal challenges.Just a thought, and a way out, to a place where you can be free to be and love yourself.Take care.-Frank
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2016): Thank you everyone for taking the time and advice me ! I'm the one who posted the question
I feel much better after reading your responses
Btw I didn't drink last night and I feel a lot better and much healthier and will stop it for good.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2016): Find a local gay organization for some counseling. You can be discreet. You can't turn to drinking, that will only give you a whole string of problems on top of what you already have. If you live in the Middle East there is no escape from your responsibilities to your family and culture. I only hope there is no danger to your safety.
Coming out in a Muslim family is a very difficult and almost dangerous thing to do. You are totally surrounded by people trying to tell you what to do with your life. What you failed to do is have a plan to distance yourself and have a life to life as you please. If you have gay friends, then I guess you have to do as they did in order to free your mind. You'll have to tell your parents you are not likely to marry, and at some point you'll have to tell them why; and face the consequences.
Drinking will destroy you mentally, physically, and financially. So being jobless, broke, gay, and homeless isn't a great future to look forward to, now is it?
People tend to expend a lot of energy into focusing on the ugliest side of life and dwelling on the hopeless side of things. You have to come up with an alternate plan to turn your life around in your favor. You can feel sorry for yourself and poison yourself to death with alcohol; or start working on your freedom. First, take care of your health and find a mental-health professional to vent your frustrations, sorrows, and emotional issues. Your health and mental-health is at stake here. You're heading into depression.
How come your friends live openly gay, you've had gay relationships, but no one has a clue? Your life is full of inconsistencies. No wonder you're an emotional hot mess.
You can live low key, by your own rules, and that may require you to get the pressure off by starting with your parents. They are the main reason for your sorrows. Living a lie in their faces when they already know the reason; but pressuring you for the sake of saving face. Well, you'll have to come to terms. You've already told your "so-called" friends. You should have told your parents first.
You always have options unless you live in an oppressive country and there is the threat of death in coming out. Your plan should be to get out of your country. Consider Europe or the United States. Australia wasn't the end all. It just wasn't right for you. If you're Eastern European, go west.
Most gay people living in cultural situations that do not allow them the freedom to live as who they really are, leave to find a place they can be themselves. That may be your only option.
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A
female
reader, goldie22  +, writes (14 April 2016):
I really hope that you can get something from this site to help you. Sometimes in life it is easy to get so caught up in what isn't working that we forget about what is working! You are a young man, going by your post I would say you are reasonably educated? You would probably do best in a westernized country where being gay is more acceptable. If that is what you want then you need to set your goals and work towards them. If you want to move to America/ Britain where ever it is then do it! Don't just talk about it!
You also need to stop drinking because that is going to make any depression ( and after having read your post I think it's possible) worse than it already is. You don't have to tell your parents that your gay, but you do need to tell them too start letting you make your own life. Sometimes our environments can be toxic if we don't conform to what's normal. You need to get away, we only get one chance at life don't waste it sitting around wishing it could be different as only you can make the changes you dream of
. As for a marriage of convenience, it is only convenient if it works both ways. You would need to marry somebody who was in a simular situation to you and needed to hide that fact from her family. If you can find that person and keep eachother safe then by all means do it but please don't enter into a marriage if the lady doesn't know what is happening, it would be unfair for many reasons especially if she ( as many of us ladies do) wants children.please don't stop talking to us though, make positive choices and keep us posted so we can help if you want us to. Take care of yourself and I hope to read a follow up from you soon.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2016): I am sorry you are struggling. Life is never easy, is it? Especially for those of us who are different and walk a different path.
I have had similar struggles. Although I am a heterosexual woman. I have a son with special needs. So I have always felt different and on the edge of "normal" society. My experiences are always different from everyone else. When I got married, I married my first boyfriend ever. To please my parents. They are Italian and I was raised Catholic. So typically women were supposed to marry a guy who is well off and take care of them. I found that but I did not really know what love was at the time nor what I was getting myself into. I was trying to please others. And become the person others expected me to be. The whole time I was not being true to myself. Then when I was married for a few years, the questions began of when will you have children? I was not ready. Neither was my husband. Who knows why but we weren't and the reasons were ours. But family kept asking and sometimes making mean comments. My sisters (I have 3) would always try to compete with each other. And especially me as I was the first born and my dad's favourite. So they went and had children before me. Tried to again please my parents. Then finally we had our first. And after we had him, they would ask "when are you having more kids?" like one was not enough. And then he turned out with a condition we never expected. And since then, I have felt lost and alone. Despite everybody's best intentions. Like I lost a part of myself which I would never regain. I struggled to cope with my son's autism. It cost us our marriage. I did consider my husband my best friend and to this day still do. But I never did truly love him deeply enough to spend a lifetime with him as my one and only. When I left him, my parents were furious as was my family. They did not get why I would leave a good man. But again the reasons were mine to understand. Nobody else walked in my shoes. And again, I did not fit in to everyone else's expectations. They expected me to stay married because nobody in our family leaves their spouse. It's for life. So for a few years, the relationship between me and my parents and me and my siblings were severed and it took awhile to get them back to where they were. Although to this day, the relationships are not like they used to be. And never will they be. I have sought out so many ways to escape the autism. Most of them destructive. Some days I did not feel like getting up out of bed and facing the world. I was carrying such heavy weight on my shoulders. While I was married, I distanced myself from my husband. Partly due to pain and partly due to feeling lost and broken. I think I blamed myself for my son's condition. I had a family friend I grew closer to and was very close to an affair. And the same thing almost happened with another man I knew through my son's school. Neither happened for whatever reason but I was looking for it. I was trying to escape and find some joy somewhere, although fleeting. But fast forward a couple of years later, once I was no longer with my husband, I actually did enter an affair. With a married man 15 years older than me. I have been with him for 3 years and it is the most painful yet most exhilarating experience of my life. I will never trust him and the trust issues and worry have driven me to anti anxiety meds. I have a son to take care of and I am a nervous wreck and emotional mess due to this man. Fun can turn into a nightmare sometimes when we do not confront our own demons. We all need an escape route but it does not solve our problems. Maybe for a short time. But they are there looming in the background and tend to get worse in time. I am struggling financially with bills piling up that I cannot pay. I have made so many sacrifices for my escape route. My fantasy is starting to wear me down and crumble to the ground piece by piece all around me as I struggle with all my might to hold on. Because it is and has been my only happy place.
Is life about escaping? Yes, like when we travel or go to a movie. But not from our problems. We need to face them.
We need to be strong in this life. I have been dealt so many blows that I am not sure why I am still here. It toughens you up. You know? You have to keep getting up and moving forward. None of us is perfect. We are not meant to be. It's our flaws that make us human, unique and who we are. We are a work in progress in life. We are constantly learning and evolving and building our character. Self acceptance comes from within. We need to be strong from the inside out. Never allow another or others to dictate your own self worth, your happiness and the person you truly are. Sometimes I laugh at the absurdity of what I have been through. Both my ex and I do this. Laughter is quite the medicine. It helps to alleviate the pain and put things into perspective. We are breathing. We have been given a precious gift to live life at all. It is temporary as life is so short and so we should not live it in pain, and trying to escape who we are or pretending to be someone we are not. We need to embrace ourselves and all that we are fully and embrace the life that has been given to us. And be strong enough to live it on our terms. In our way. And with appreciation and joy. When you are hit with tough situations in life, you are much more appreciative and see the small things that do matter which most people take for granted or do not notice at all.
It is beautiful to be different. Celebrate it. Do not be ashamed. Who wants to be like everyone else? Find the strength in your uniqueness. And never be ashamed to tell the truth. It sets you free and gives you peace. So, I suggest you do tell this girl that you are gay. It is better she knows now than to be further disappointed down the road. If she truly cares about you as her friend, she will still care about you when you tell her you are gay and she will want to continue being your friend. Have some faith in her. If not, you were honest with her. How can anyone fault you with that. Do not live with charades and false fronts. It takes guts to be honest and put yourself out there. Some people will like you. Others will hate you. And yet others will judge you because they will never understand. How can they? They do not walk in your shoes. But despite it all, you need to find a center of peace inside you and say no outside forces will have that much power over me. They will not have more power over me than myself. We can live and allow people into our lives or not. At the same time we need to know who to trust and feel at ease around and which ones you need to put up a wall around. Just to keep some distance. If you have one or two people you can trust and be yourself around, it will truly help you. You can talk to them about how you feel and unload and they can help you shoulder some of your burdens. This girl you talk about could be a huge comfort to you. A friend that you need. A friend to the REAL you. So tell her the truth.
Also perhaps stop focusing on finding a bf. But instead join social groups or clubs or organizations where you can mingle with people who enjoy similar activities as you. Just enjoy yourself first. The rest comes naturally. There is such a thing as too much pressure and placing too many demands and expectations on yourself all at once. Baby steps.
It is never hopeless. There is always hope. And sometimes we must find a new normal to work with. To accept. And if we accept this, we can be happier. Do not think you are less because you do not fit into what society dictates you should be. Nobody fits in. We are all different. Nowadays we are becoming much more tolerant of gay people.
The friends who are not with you because you are gay were never friends. Remember this. And you don't need people like that in your life. It is not your fault. It's theirs. Remember this. I have lost many friends too due to my son's condition. So many people tend to be there in good times and bail out in bad. Fair weather friends you can call them. They are not worth holding onto. And you are better off without them in your life.
You are feeling bad because you are alone in your struggle. You feel trapped because you feel you would be disowned by your family if you tell them the truth. Well, I left a marriage and my whole family seemed to hate me for it. But I had to do it for myself because it is my life. I had to break free of this self imposed prison. You also need to break free of your self imposed prison. In fact, I have gone on to make mistakes and choices that others, family included, did not agree with. But it is my life and my choices and therefore my mistakes. I was pretty much telling them, look, this is me. Take it or leave it. The people who love you will take it. It may take a period of adjustment. Things may be crazy for awhile and it may feel like you made a mistake saying anything at all but eventually the dust will settle and everybody will understand and come to accept who you are. They will realize that in order to have you in their lives, they must accept the real you. And that you have no choice in your homosexuality. It just is. And your parents who do love you unconditionally will accept that about you. Maybe not at first but it is something they are going to have to work out on their own and eventually come to their own acceptance. That will be the most moment, when you are free to be you and everything is out in the open and you are still loved and accepted by your family. Now I have heard of some families not accepting the situation and rifts being caused. Yes, this happens too. But not as often. Although you have to be prepared for all outcomes. Remember the biggest reward is the freedom that your secret is out and you can live your life as you choose. The stress you feel is due to keeping this all to yourself and feeling trapped. You are not trapped. You can choose to remove yourself from this trap. You realize you cannot go on hiding for the rest of your life. It is very exhausting. And defeating. I truly believe you will breathe a sigh of relief and have found a new lease on life when you choose to be honest with your loved ones about your being gay. Life will become a new normal for you and everyone around you who cares about you.
Nobody needs to get married in this day and age. You can happily exist without marriage or in unconventional unions. Try to focus on better choices. Try fitness as this keeps you in shape and provides natural endorphins and highs which are actually healthy for you. Ever try dancing? Why not get out and join a dance class or take dance lessons. I guarantee you that you are going to love it and meet some wonderful people. It will do so much for your mental health and it will build your much needed self esteem. Get some help and counselling for your alcohol dependency. Look on the net for resources in your area. I am also sure there are support groups for gays and lesbians on the net. This would be a good starting point for you and also hopefully to get into group outings or sessions with others like you where you can vent out and talk about your frustrations with others who understand. We all need understanding and acceptance. I think perhaps these steps might give you the courage to come out to your loved ones. Again, build up to it. Feel confident and strong in your choice. Once you are ready, do it.
You can do it. Make good choices for yourself. First become healthy. Physically and mentally. Stop drinking. Find support and counselling for your drinking and the issues which led you there. And support with others who are gay in a support group setting. Do things for yourself which make you happy. No pressure. Just enjoy and relax and step back from all the chaos and just breathe. Perhaps try yoga or meditation. As I suggested dance. One of the best forms of therapy out there. It was life changing for me personally. :) Don't put pressure on yourself to conform and do what everybody else says you should do. It is your life. Remember this. You live it as you choose. But do not let it destroy you. Face it. Fix it. Live it. Have confidence in all good things about you. What are you GOOD at? What do you LOVE to do? Focus on those things. Stop focusing on all the bad and the negative. Turn it around. It all starts in our minds and the conversations we have with ourselves. You can convince yourself you CAN just as much as you can convince yourself you CAN'T. So choose CAN.
I hope this helped you a little bit.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 April 2016):
 I think you should stop drinking to begin with, eat healthy food and do plenty of exercise. Get yourself back in a healthy shape and then proceed forward. You are saying that you are not straight, you have accepted that, now it is time to be honest with your family, yes they might disown you as they are ignorant to your lifestyle but you still need to be honest with them. If they disown you then maybe it might be best for you to move to a country where it is more acceptable being gay.
I highly recommend you do not enter a marriage of convenience to please everyone, it is your life you should live it whatever way you want. That means get out there look for male partners, enjoy life and be merry. I honestly think you need to make a new start away from all these negative people.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2016): HiYour's is a tricky one, address the alcohol first before it swallows you up.Although you feel alone (which in some cases can be a good thing)but please don't have alcohol as your friend.You refuse to live a lie and for this you should be admired. You have opened up to some friends with a not so good responce. You know who you are, and what you don't want...that's positive. You also recognise in what areas your life can't work so this is bringing your discontent and loneliness. Forcing a life that is not accepted by culture,religion,family can only lead to a life unfulfilled. In your situation I would have to leave all three behind to find life fulfillment and try completely new avenues of employment and living in a different country again. Australia never worked for you but that does not mean that another country won't work wonders.I wish you well and i wish you happiness and love in your life, search in the shadows and you'll find nothing come out into the sunshine and be free and happy.
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