A
female
age
30-35,
*as114
writes:We've been together 3 years the last couple of months our communication hasn't been good, we haven't had sex at all, and it's seemed like we're in limbo I've tried numerous times to reach out to my ex since his best fri e d just got murdered and his father cancer recently came back.I live with him his mom's house due to a hurricane and loosing everything. His mom has been very supportive of me living with her still despite the troubles her son his having and I'm currently in online school and looking for work and our 2 kids one of which is not biologically his. It's been a month since we broke up but it was the way it happened long story short found out he's been talking to this girl for 3 months hiding it from me,and when we finally sat down to have a talk he told me he's not in love with me and he cares about this new fling. He also went on to tell me how I'm not the girl he fell in love with. It broke my soul to hear those words. He now lives with the girl and me and kids are still stuck living at his mom's house. I went on a rant texting him asking why would you up and leave me i thought you loved me. He started crying on the phone saying I was dealing with so much that I only started ducking with her because he felt like she was there for him. To be honest our relationship was never toxic or violent. Yes we had arguments but I'd never thought he would do this. He gives me hints that he wants to work on this.He just wants me to be my old self and I admit I have become complacent i haven't been wanting to work comb my hair nothing but I was kind of in depression because I didn't want to live with his mother anymore. Now that he's living with this girl driving her car while our is broke sitting in the garage. does he really love her? Does he really want to be with her? Why did she do for him that I couldnt? We've been a family for 3 years how could he just up and leave?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2020): You may be depressed but look at it this way.....your ex more than not went to her because of money.She has a car....she supports him.This is the kind of dog he is and it is good you see that now.You have to understand this is who he is he will never change.You must want a better role model than someone like this for your kids.The only person this man loves is himself.What you must do is get a job...any job will do until a better one comes along.After you get some money get a iud.The pill is to easy to forget to take and really girl you need some birth control that will work.Go on public assistance and move out of his mother's house you are not with him what are you even doing there? It is time for you to be responsible and grownup.Go to legal aid so as to get child support from both fathers of your kids.Your kids deserve this so do not put this off.Next do not date anyone until you get yourself some serious therapy.Your man picker is broken....You need to learn how to see red flags in men before you have a relationship.You cannot fix a broken man...many women fail to understand that.After all that when you do finally meet a good man you wait and date for at least a year before you even think of your kids meeting him.Never move a man into your house until you are married.Women meet men and the next day move them in and then low and behold the man abused the woman and children or is a child molester or drug dealer.Wait at least five years before you get married.It really does take that long to really know someone.These mistakes you have made is because you rush into relationships.Take your time...It is not only you now it is also two kids...they come first.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (2 May 2020):
 Your obsession with his new squeeze is understandable (been there, done that) but it is also pointless. You (and we) can only guess at what is going on in your ex's head, what he sees in this new woman and what she has to offer him.
You need to focus your attention on yourself and your children. You are "lucky" in that you have a roof over your head and, hopefully, help from your ex's mother with the children. Perhaps it would help you to concentrate on what you have, rather than on what you don't have.
I wonder, is there any possibility you are suffering from post natal depression? Have you spoken with your doctor? You really need to start looking after yourself so that you are healthy enough to look after your children.
Sending hugs.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2020): You have two children from two diffrent boyfriends and you haven't married either. Your present boyfriend clearly have fallen out of love with you. He is not coming back. You have to start thinking like a single mom and learn how single moms cope with their situation. and please be more careful and don't make anymore babies with anyone else unless you are legaly married to them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2020): This is not meant to judge or admonish you. It is meant to empower you. To educate you as a woman.
Maybe in time, young women will learn that having children with men (or just living with them; but giving them all the great benefits that comes from a wife); will not secure, or establish, a loving and lasting-relationship. There is no substitute for marriage. It's not just the doctrine or institution of it; it's what it stands for. Cohesion, exchanging vows in a promise to stick it out, and openly-proclaimed before God and witnesses; declaring a lifetime of devotion. If he repeatedly tells you he loves you, why would he make you only his perpetual forever-girlfriend?
Why? He needs an escape-clause! He needs to be able to break-free, and take everything he owns with him. To keep his and yours separate. Unless you foolishly co-sign in debt!!! He's scared to be stuck with the same vagina and the same body indefinitely. He wants to replace the old-model (or leave); when it get's too fat, nags too much, and pops-out too many babies! Meanwhile, sex on-demand is a great benefit!
It's the modern-way to be scornful of commitment and responsibility that is secured in and by marriage. Women no longer insisting men take responsibility for making a family, by requiring him to commit by marriage first. It leaves him an easy-option to walk-out on his family; and not feel much conscience about it. Marriage is now likened to entrapment or imprisonment. Who needs it on paper? YOU DO!
Marriage doesn't make men loving, good, or faithful; it won't stop men from cheating, it has no guarantees he will always love you. You'e supposed to sort that out before accepting a marriage-proposal. If he proposes; that's some proof how far he'd go to keep you around. It's proof he thinks you're good enough to bear his children. He wants to share all he has, and accumulate more with YOU! It's proof he wants a lifelong commitment; because you want it. It gives women and their children rights. They have rights of inheritance; and should you part in divorce, she takes half of what is rightfully hers! Mamas and daddies should be telling their sons and daughters this!!! Those who set the best example do! They are the proven-winners that hold society together according to the divine laws of nature! God bless them! No marriage is perfect; but there are many very good ones!
Marriage forges a commitment that has to undergo an act under the law, and through a court; to release two people from their moral and emotional-contract. It reinforces family-connection. A majority of women still want that, far too many men don't!
You poor women will compromise by letting him set the terms of the relationship. Meanwhile, she still tries to satisfy her need for children, and feel a sense of family; yet and still fulfilling her natural-instinct to form a cohesive family-unit. Having a relationship that has honor, order, and faithfulness. A growing number of men no longer want to offer that to them freely. Forcing them to be manipulative, and to scramble to make meaningful, lasting, and bonded-relationships in desperate frustration. They prematurely create families; and usually end-up caring for their children on their own. Being both a mother and a father. He leaves, finds another woman, and may decide he will marry her; then start a real family. By then, he was ready. He found the one. You try to get mortgage and intertwine your financial-resources on the sly. You have a mortgage on paper, debt on paper, but not your relationship? How disingenuous! The law won't even protect you from co-signed obligations going bad, if you part! You signed for it? If you value your credit-score; you better pay it, if he won't! This will trigger a few posts from the ladies!
He's not thoroughly to be blamed. You have choices. You know what you wanted, but you didn't insist on getting it. Some are just too desperate to have a man; but unwilling to be respected for her values, needs, and reasonable expectations. There is no compromise. You submit and surrender! You smart ladies, have it all! The man, the marriage, a career, the children, and God's blessing! You believed in it, you believed in yourself; and hence, you got it! I'm not talking to you anyway! That's preaching to the choir!
When someone tells you they don't love you, after they've stolen a big chunk of your life from you; it is a stab in the heart. No, it's several stabs in the heart!!! Way too many adult-males are no longer men. They are just greedy penises walking around on two legs, they are sperm-donors. They are boys avoiding manly-responsibilities, playing with themselves in the dark, and chasing random girls. Many are losing any sense of their manhood as a provider, father, a husband, and a protector. Now women are assuming our roles in the household. I commend single-dads! You are God's chosen! I applaud dads and husbands who love their families so much; they would give their very lives for them. They are becoming extinct. They are becoming too rare. Then there are women pushing them out of their homes, demanding, and full of unrealistic-expectations. Pounding them with their boundless insecurities and stressing-out those men who go beyond human-ability to love and provide for his family. These kind of women scornfully snatch-away his children, to taunt and punish him. Then wonder why life feels so wretched? It's not life, it's her! Bitterness is toxic! It gets into your system, and it eats you from the inside out! They aren't punishing him, they're punishing the children! They won't own-up to their mistakes and bad-choices! They blame! Hence, they'll never learn!
Why are we doing this to each other? Why don't we mean it when we say we love each other? Why won't we take commitment seriously? Why don't we value love and trust? How can you be so calloused as to walk-out on your own children??? It seems the only voice men listen to, and the only-one men selfishly care about.. dangles...well,some aren't so long...but it's there, just beneath his pubic area. It's a marvelous and wonderful organ; but it should not be the boss of us. It should not dictate our emotions and sway our morals and standards. It shouldn't destroy families or our character! The devil's most effective tool! His favorite little joy-stick! Get hold of it, and you can destroy relationships, marriages, families, and careers!
You must undergo the full-range of your emotions; until you begin to purge yourself of your pain, and begin to detach. This initiates healing and recovery. Come to terms. You must regain your strength, and love yourself enough to keep yourself healthy. First and foremost, focus on your children. They depend on you! Set the legal-wheels in motion to get child-support for the children. If you can by-pass your resentment and pain enough; please allow him to see his children, and be a father to them. Even if you yourself have to give him up. If he shows love towards them, and they reciprocate; please don't stand in their way. God sees all, and knows all. He will know your struggles, and stand-by you through it. That's why women survive without men. He, God, is their backbone and strength! Compensating for what men refuse to give you. If you've never even considered this. Try! It's where you will find strength and healing. Just a suggestion! Even if you don't believe yourself; God shines the sun on the believer, and the non-believer. He will love and protect you and your kids, out of pure love and grace anyway! You'll still endure hardship. It shapes character, develops survival-skills, and brings us closer to Him.
Your boyfriend is running from the weight of his responsibilities. He is pulling-away from the confinement of being committed to one woman. He is rebelling against any attempt to force him to live in a faux-marriage; or be chained to fatherhood against his will. He is tired, and feels he can't live-up to the demands of maturity and manhood. He is the typical baby-man/man-boy who runs and finds himself a new living blow-up doll and playmate. A female who makes him feel she'll place no pressures or demands on him "like his baby's-mama." She'll give him a fresh-start, and an unfamiliar vagina! You see, eventually, what goes around...comes around!!! The "fresh-vagina" novelty wears-off! The clouds clear, and reality steps-in. She will see a man she cannot depend-on, or trust. A guy who coldly left his last woman behind; not just alone, but to care for his child in his absence. That will dwell on her mind, and she will think. They can only pretend, only but for so long, that you don't exist. The sad and painful reality is, you must let him go. You must heal, and maintain hope. Life will get better. Even without him! This is only the end of a chapter or an episode. You are young, strong, and you will move on. You will survive this. It's in times like these that we learn our power and strength. Wait until the storm passes, and you are on the other side of it.
Meanwhile, sweetheart, take care of yourself; and your precious little-ones. They love you unconditionally. Even his mother extends her kindness towards you! That too is an act of God's will. Go wash and condition your hair. Put-on something comfortable and pretty. Thank his mother for her kindness, and standing by you. Snuggle and kiss your beautiful babies. Life will be different. Remember this. Once you hit bottom, the only way is back-up, my sweet child!
God bless, guide, and keep you!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 May 2020):
 You might not BE the girl he fell in love with anymore, that much is true. You had another child, more responsibilities, you lost your home and you are dependent on him/his mother for a roof over you head.
So, no wonder you are not the same woman.
You ask a lot about her, instead of asking HOW do I regain my independence? How do I provide a good home for my kids?
I get that you don't want to be on your own, but you are. He left because it was EASIER to "fall" for someone else, instead of working and fixing whatever broke down with you two.
Lots of people CHOSE that over working what's broken. A relationship can end for many reasons not just because of abuse, toxicity or violence. Some time people get lazy.
I think you need to address your own issues here, because THEY matter. You are in a funk, you are not taking care of yourself, are you taking care of the kids? Or does HIS mother do the majority of that? If she does, then LET her for the time being HELP you with that while YOU focus on getting on your feet. It's GREAT that you are doing some online schooling to better yourself and better your career options. Next should be SELF CARE. If you ARE depressed, get help. TALK to your doctor. IF you are "just" become complacent because you are "unhappy" with how things are going, then MAKE plans to better your life. For you and the kids. So, take a shower, BRUSH you hair & teeth in the morning, put on clean clothes, wash the dirty clothes. And keep working on the online schooling.
YOU are LUCKY that his mom is still OK having you there! While it might feel awkward to be living with your ex's mom, she is AFTER ALL also the grandmother of your youngest. So she is family, in a sense.
Then next step is HOW can you afford a place ON your own? Are there some decent section 8 housing around? HUD housing? Do you qualify? Look it up. https://www.hud.gov/
Call them, see what they can help you with.
Do you get food-stamps/ benefits? If not, look up https://www.fns.usda.gov/snap/state-directory and find out who/where to call.
Also, if you and your ex are no longer together, you NEED to apply for child support. He IS financially RESPONSIBLY (as are you) for your shared child.
As for his new girl, SHE isn't the issue or problem. HE is. The fact that he was OK making a CHILD with you but not to marry you, means it's EASY for him to walk away and start over. YOU made it easy. So that would be ,y next advice. NO more kids. Focus on getting on your feet and BE a good mother and role-model for the 2 you already have.
IT IS up to you to GET back on your feet. Either you and him MIGHT work out in the future, you might not. It's NOT as important as YOU being able to take care of your kids. Provide them with a home, food, love, educations, stability, discipline and care. THAT is 100% more important! THEY are more important.
YOU are more important. You are not the "sum of a relationship" with this guy.
You can do this. And while you do, BE respectful of his mother and thankful that she hasn't kicked you out!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2020): You could give it a try, but you both sound depressed so need to change the status quo anyway, together or apart.
You are still young and have a future ahead of you and can create the desired result by determination and hard work. I believe in moving on and never looking back, 'if the fruit of the tree has gone'.
I would be investing my energies into things that can work. I don't think forcing things is a good idea or settling for less. You can remain amicable for the children's sake and maintain good parenting between you both.
You say you are doing education, that's good if you have it directed on a pathway that you can follow. This should open new doors for you, and it will also give you the time to study and achieve your goals. Why have a car broken in the garage when you can look to the future of buying your own working car. Your unkempt hair, no problem,restyle your hair, rebuild your self esteem and rebuild your life. Thank those who are and have supported you and the children through the bad times. Look towards independence through work and/or education and move forward. Seek help if you suffer with depression regularly. Enjoy bringing your children up and treasure the memory making....the most important job in the world
parenting our children and carving out a good childhood filled with love. They are our tomorrows, you are the here and NOW! REBUILD! REINVENT! RENEW! and fulfill all your dreams step by step. Be thankful for good health and
use your adult youth wisely, time does not waste time.
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