A
female
age
26-29,
*etlovelead
writes:I've been dating this guy for a year now. He's good and wonderful but one thing I don't like about him is when it comes to money. For example, during valentine's Day he couldn't even get a chocolate or even a cup of water. It wasn't that he was broke too. It's not like I'm expecting big things but I was hoping that at least during special occasions he could get me something even if it's water I wouldn't mind, no matter how big or small it is I would really appreciate it. When we started dating, he was showering me with gifts (even though he wasn't working then). I felt special even with the little things he did. Ever since he started working he has drastically changed in terms of him buying things for me. He hardly buy even a teaspoon of sugar for me. It's like he's always money conscious. I don't know how to bring it up to him without making him feel bad. Lately, the only way he will feel he has to get me something it's when I buy him something too.Sometimes I feel like he wants me to do something before he does things for me which shouldn't be so.Please how can I make him realize how hurt I am with his changed attitude without hurting his feelings?Thank you very much for reading.
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female
reader, Letlovelead +, writes (13 September 2020):
Letlovelead is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for the replies. I really appreciate it
A
female
reader, Letlovelead +, writes (1 May 2020):
Letlovelead is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for the advice. I really appreciate it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2020): Before he had a job, had it ever occurred to you where the money to buy the gifts came from? He may have borrowed a lot of money and hustled every way he knew how to impress you.
Well, now that he is working; he has become thrifty, and more responsible with his money. Perhaps he now wants to know if you really want him, or was it all about the gifts? If they've stopped all together, sometimes that's how you find-out if the receiver really appreciates the giver, or just the gifts! I expect others to have a different take on this. If you showed signs of being spoiled, or high-maintenance, perhaps he took note of the fact!
Does he help support his family? Does he have his own place yet? Could he be saving for a car, or maybe a ring? People don't go from super generous to stingy; unless there may be something in the way, like bills, or they have serious plans. He may have also charged-up his credit cards!
You shouldn't be so "hurt" about not getting "things." Regardless of size!
Is he kind to you? Does he always call and check on you to see how you're doing when he can't be with you? If you find yourself stuck somewhere without a ride, or need a handyman to do a chore, is he the guy you call?
Sometimes people replace presents with favors, acts of kindness, and attention.
My guy is a millionaire. I don't feel comfortable about getting a lot of expensive presents; mainly because I can afford to buy whatever I need myself. I'm not materialistic, and consumerism is a disease that is poisoning our society. I like nice things; but I sometimes do get a little greedy. I like to shop! I like to make money! I don't like that side of myself. I want everyone I care for to know I care about them. We exchange gifts on birthdays, holidays, graduations, and anniversaries. Their love is enough for me. In my relationship, I want to know how he feels about me through his deeds; and how trusting and trustworthy he is. I want consistency and reliability. I want to be loved with sincerity and deepness. I can check all these items off the list; because he fulfills them all. That means I've got to reciprocate everything I'm so eager to take without any hesitation! Money can't buy these things!
Does he check-off all the good things on the list like love, patience, kindness, reliability, understanding, affection, dependability, and honesty?
If he does, HE'S THE GIFT!
All that mushy stuff we guys do at the beginning starts to taper-off when a relationship matures. I said taper-off, they don't have to stop! He should be considerate enough to remember birthdays and special occasions; but don't pout like a spoiled-child. Just remind him how you liked when he remembered to give you special little mementos or little tokens of his affections. If you've started expecting them or demanding them; perhaps the well has dried-up!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2020): The trouble is...this is who he is. Someone might be able to give some ideas about how to get across to him how hurtful you find this without hurting his feelings, but what good would that do really?
He won't suddenly change and blossom into a boyfriend who just loves to buy you things. I know you're not wanting big things, just shows of thoughtfulness, but he will be changing (if he DOES change) to suit who you want him to be. That means that every time he does do something you want, some kind of thoughtful gesture, he will have been thinking, 'Oh I'd better do such and such, because she's asked me to,' which means that it's not coming from his heart. If it were me, I wouldn't want anyone to perform gestures of thoughtfulness unless it was coming from their heart. I couldn't bear a gesture that was only done because it was requested. Means nothing.
Maybe now he's got a job, he wants to save his money, maybe being broke whilst being unemployed scared him and he can't relax about money yet. Maybe he's worried that now he's got a job, you will be EXPECTING him to buy you things and he wants to nip that in the bud. I realise that that is not what you are after, just small gestures. Even so, it's putting pressure on him.
If a thoughtful, gesture giving man is who you want, this guy isn't it. But maybe he has other wonderful qualities. I must admit I don't like to hear women in this day and age, talking about men buying them things, however small.
But I suspect that this is your 'love language'...how you show someone that you care about them. We all have different ways in which we show our love and we like to have our boyfriend's love shown back to us in the same way, hence your need to have him buy you something, however small. My love language is being shown physical affection, I couldn't care less if I was ever bought anything or not. Have a look at different aspects of your boyfriend's behaviour towards you i.e. how HE shows his love towards YOU.
It might be that he is feeling the same kind of way about you. If he is showing you love in a certain way, but you don't reciprocate with the same kind of expression of love, then he could be feeling hurt, like you.
There is a book called 'The Five Languages of Love', which explains what they are and how this works and how it can become a bone of contention in a relationship if the languages aren't the same. Maybe show it to your boyfriend, if anything I've said, rings true. Try to find out what his love language is. You know what yours is.
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A
male
reader, Justryingtohelp  +, writes (1 May 2020):
I do wonder why you are so worried about hurting his feelings, given he seems oblivious to yours.
It seems he was happy to put in the effort when he was trying to impress you but, now that he feels he is secure in the relationship, he doesn't feel he has to put in any effort.
Often it's the little things in a relationship which make all the difference. Is he thoughtful in other ways or is he just taking you for granted on all levels?
You don't have to fall out over this but you should bring it up with hom if it bothers you. Do it light heartedly. Instead of criticising, say something like "I love it when you do x, y or a for me because it makes me feel special".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2020): Have you talked to him? I think telling him how you feel is a start.
When you talk to him though, be careful that you explain how YOU FEEL — don’t be angry with him, don’t accuse him, don’t bring up why you think he’s not buying you things. Rather simply tell him that your language of love is gifts (receiving gifts), and that when you receive gifts from him, you feel loved and it’s important to feel loved.
Ask him what his language of love is and reciprocate.
If he replies that he does not want to buy you gifts (even small gifts), then llet him explain why. He may have a legitimate reason for his actions.
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