A
male
age
51-59,
*aul Andrews
writes:I am married. I have been for 8 years. I lived with my wife for 6 years before that. We were very much in love and we still do love each other, but in 2006 I had an affair with a girl. It didn't last long and then I went on a long trip for two months. When I returned I thought I was over the girl. I should have told my wife about her at the point, ie when I got back. By co-incidence my wife then confessed to me that she had actually been in love with another man for 12 months or more, but had never consumated the relationship. I still did not speak of my affair. Everything returned to normal, except our sex life still wasn't really working. Two months later I met another girl and began another affair. This time it was much more intense and the girl quickly fell in love with me. I would spend most Saturday's with her. The sex was great and for the first time in a long time I felt good about myself sexually. Two months later I decided to tell my wife I was having an affair. I actually don't like deceit so thought this was the best thing to do. My wife was extremly upset and we spent a lot of time talking. We continued to live in the same flat and I continued to see my girl friend. My wife and I stopped all physical relations. I went to see my girl friend pretty much every weekend until I left the flat three months later. My wife then went to live with friends and I moved to another house. My girl friend moved in, although officially she still had her own flat. I still love my wife, although have no idea if our relationship can still work physically. I love my girl friend also and she has been a great support over the past year. Yes, we have now spent one year together. At the same time I have kept in touch with my wife all the time and seen her regularly. We just talk and think about if we should try again. Now decision time has come. My girl friend wants to know exactly where she stands. Wants to move in officially. She loves me and she desperrately wants a home with me. My wife has a very significant birthday coming up in two months and wants this resolved. She wants me back, but doesn't want to live in London. She now lives in the country, and wants to continue to live there. My heart says to me I should try one more time with my wife. I feel that although it is going to cause a tremendous amount of pain for my girl friend to do this, I feel we can never really be fully commited together while the legacy of my relationship with my wife remains fully unresolved. I know I am going to miss my girl friend terribly, and she will cut off all contact with me in these circumstances, which is probably for the best, but it will be be difficult, not least when I am trying to make a fresh start with my wife.
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affair, fell in love, moved in, sex life Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Twirly +, writes (12 June 2008):
 Gosh this is a pickle.
Like other posters advise, I don't think you're going to be happy with either one until you decided who you really want.
May I suggest you taking some time to yourself away from both, perhaps a week or two away on holiday if you are able, then you can really have a good think about what and who you want.
If you stay with your wife then you must address what it is that caused you to have affairs, and think about if you are likely to want to have more affairs.
If you stay with your girlfriend then think about whether you are going to miss having some space after your marriage to re-adjust before leaping into another long term committment.
It really is all down to you Im afraid, and neither option is going to be easy.
Good luck x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): I have been in a similar situation emotionally. I stayed away from my boyfriend for a year as he moved away - that was his choice which tied in with a career move. It was convenient timing in a way for me as I was not sure if I could take the plunge and ditch my marriage. I moved back in (after a years separation from my husband) and we lived under the same roof (separate rooms) trying to make it work. The bottom line is....it hasn't. Not a day goes by when I am not missing my boyfriend. My heart aches. I cry at night and all the things that made my relationship so special with my boyfriend remain. The division of my heart and head has severely affected my mental state and my physical health - not helping progress - it has been a type of self inflicted torture / punishment. The cracks have shown and to be honest I don't think my husband is really trying that hard. In essence its over. I have realised that I needed to make this half-step and see if anything was left. I have to confess that my boyfriend is now giving me an ultimatum and I am lucky in that he has 'weathered' the last 12 months. However you may not be so lucky and may lose a good thing for something that really may already be over. Someone once said to me that you often make the wrong decision before you make the right one. I guess the question is - do you have that luxury? I suppose if you try with your wife at least you know, hand on heart, you have. I hope I have helped - I know how you are feeling.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): I think you should dump both of them as really do you HONESTLY love them? come on, be honest with yourself. Do you just like the attention?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): i think u are being very unfair on ur gf she prob found it really hard to go with a married man in the first place and your also being very unfair on your wife you have to ask yourself the reasons y u had an affair in the first place and think what is going to be different a second time round but if you think your marriage is worth fighting for go 4 it u got married in the fisrt place 4 a reason but sometimes people just grow apart but u got to do wot you feel is right for you good luck hope its helps
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (12 June 2008):
 Hi
But you cant possibly make a proper go of it with your wife again, if the girlfriend is still on the scene?
What a nightmare.
Let us know how you get on. This is something you need to decide on yourself.
I couldn't possibly say anymore than that.
Hopefully someone else might be able to.
Good luk.
C xxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): I suggest that you will have to resolve the issues with your wife. You will not be fair to your girlfriend or anybody else in future if you are going to live with unresolved issues.
Unfortunately there is no gaurantees that things will work or not work, but that is life.
Yes, there will be a lot of hurt, but trust me, if you move on with your girlfriend and the issues with your wife is not resloved, it will cause more hurt in the future.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, jennyab +, writes (12 June 2008):
You need to choose who u r in love with. U didnt say u were in love with your new girlfriend so r u ? r u only considering staying with her because u dont want to hurt her feelings! Have u considered how u will feel in these relationships? will u be happy and want to stay faithfull with ur wife even if u dont have sex? Do u actually want to be with her or feel like u shud? Who do u love and want to spend time with no matter the circumstances? Do not start a relationship u cannot commit to fully! If u get back with ur wife maybe u should have a real long conversation about why u were both unfaithfull and went looking for something else and what u both will want out of this relationship!!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (12 June 2008):
 Listen to your heart and get off the fence. Make your choice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): how can you truely genuingly say you love your wife if you've been with another woman for a year and fell head over heals in love? This is very confusing - if there was nothing wrong in your marriage in the first place and "very much in love" then how could you have EVEN THOUGHT about being with another woman? Something doesn't add up. Maybe be on your...
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