A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am losing my mind. My boyfriend accuses me of cheating on him on a daily basis. This has been happening for the past 9 months or so and I am really at a loss for what I can do at this point. The first few months I was patient and reassuring and would explain to him that I have never been unfaithful to anyone and I would never even think about causing that pain for someone else because it has been done to me. Now, it has come to the point that he tells me he doesn't want me to go to work, he insists that I send him the invitations to my work meetings via e-mail, he examines my underwear when I get home from work, he gets upset with me for being dry when he tries to have sex without any foreplay, calls me a wh*re as we're walking to the gym and then when I am about to burst I say that I'm going to read in bed and he demands that I sit on the bicycle machine, when I say that it's ridiculous and I am tired and want to read, we get back to our apartment and he tells me that I "can't" go to the gym for 3 days. He threatens me every other day that he will cheat on me and that I am easy to move on and get over. Yet when I have actually tried to leave - twice seriously - he tells me that he's sorry and that he's just going through a tough time in his Life and he doesn't like to treat me as he has been and that he trusts me. Then a few days later it is the same exact thing. I need to know...i NEED to know...can men change from this or is it in someone forever if they are like that? I would travel across teh universe for him and when he treats me like that, I have never felt so small in my Life...but when things are good, it's the best I've ever felt in my Life...Help?
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female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (13 March 2009):
 Hmmm, me thinks he doth protest too much...
Sorry sweetie, but he has probably already cheated on you, and that's why he accuses you, because he is projecting, displacing... pretty much every defense mechanism in the book, he is doing to you.
Leave him, you don't deserve this mind trip. Never expect to change someone in a relationship. People can only change for themselves, and as long as you keep doing as he says, he has no reason to change for you.
You deserve much better. Please leave him and take care of yourself.
A
female
reader, SJ_ninety +, writes (13 March 2009):
 That is verbal abuse, honey. Those are emotional scars waiting to happen and those take forever to heal! I would know, I dated a verbally abusive guy for two years and it's only been three months since our break-up and I can still feel those words like they're a permanent tattoo all over my skin. Seeing as this dilemma of yours has persisted long enough and you have had talks with him about this and nothing has changed, do you honestly think you will be able to "change" him later on in life? You're setting yourself up for an ultimate melt-down in the future and that is far from healthy!
I'm not saying this is going to happen, but verbal abuse almost always leads physical abuse and since he's already telling you "can't" go somewhere, he's working the isolation process. My ex did that to me! Now, you're still relatively young and you deserve much better love in your life! You deserve a guy who will not accuse you of cheating when you very clearly ARE NOT CHEATING and a guy who trusts you with everything he has. Be good to yourself and get out. Now! Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2009): This sounds a very difficult situation for you. I would advise that the two of you discuss the problem when he is in the best of moods and let him tell you why he does not trust you. You should also explain to him how that makes you feel. It could be possible that he has a problem trusting everyone, not just you. He could be paranoid or have some kind of paranoia which has not been diagnosed. Read on paranoia/paranoid personality disorder and pay attention to his behavioir. This kind of mistrust, plus other behaviour is common in paranoid patients.
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2009): Listen sweetie, I would tell him that if you are that easy to move on and get over then to MOVE ON AND GET OVER YOU! This guy is a controlling ass. No it will not get better, only worse. You should never, ever have to feel small in your relationship. There should be no 'when its good'. He should be the one to make you feel good, help you through your hard times. Not create them for you! And you are an adult correct? And he is going to tell you that you 'cant' go somewhere? Run away and run away fast. Seriously this could get dangerous for you. Good luck to you.
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