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*unflower
writes: My question is about sexual fantasies...My boyfriend and I have been dating for six years and a long time ago, I found some porn on his computer. I wasn't surprised at this, what I was surprised about was the fact that he had renamed the porn pics as names of girls who he knows that resemble the pornstar. One of these pics was renamed as my sister. I know that boys fantasize about friends, sisters, anyone who is good looking, but I still can't seem let this go. Should I be worried?
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reader, cactus +, writes (15 April 2005):
Oh come on. Have you never innocently fancied one of his friends or relatives? We all do it. As long as he doesn't take it any further than fantasy.
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reader, Angel-lee +, writes (14 April 2005):
This sounds very unfair. That is just something you dont do. How do you know he isnt fantasising about your sister?! fair enough, looking at porn is acceptable but this isnt right. You need to speak to him about it before it starts to get you down. If he loves you, he will understand why you are bothered by thi behaviour. Angel-lee
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reader, Wendyg  +, writes (14 April 2005):
 Hey! I think you have nothing to really worry about. This just seems like his way of filing things away so that he can find them again!! He probably didnt want you to see that hes been looking at porn etc, so the obvious thing to do is to hide it away somewhere using a name so that no one else find it! If its named innocently, no ones going to think to look at it hey! I think that its probably a coincidence that the file is named the same as your sis. How sure are you that its not the real name of this pornstar ? Men file things according to association.. so he would have called it something that was familar to him that he could easily find. Using names of others isnt unheard of, it just makes sense to him to keep it that way. If he had called "Susan Slut" for example you would immediately have found it. This porn could have been there for ages in anycase. All men look at porn, its something they do. I for one used to hate the idea of my man looking at porn, so i joined in the fun! We look at porn together sometimes and thats spiced up our sex life... maybe suggest that to him, in some way or other and then you could maybe get round to finding out why the files are called the names they are! I assure you it all sounds rather innocent. Just a man getting off on some porn. Dont get too carried away that its more than that or you will always doubt him. Treat it at face value and accept that he likes to look at porn, as all men do, there isnt anything sinister about it, its just life!Take careX x
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reader, REBECCA +, writes (14 April 2005):
Hi YES! Be very worried. Due to the fact he is fantasizing about have sex with your sister and friends! I know I would stand for that!Be strong and confront him with the fact you don't like this and he is degrading you!You deserve betterTake care
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2005): Yes.... this guy is having mental affairs with "real" people, and he's not inviting you. He sound like a closet loser. Sorry. I think it's time for women to stop excusing men's nastiness on account of their "genetic programming". The longer women keep dismissing their guy's online sex lives as "just a guy thing", the more women will have to deal with the worry, the betrayal, the lies, and the cyber-cheating. We have to update the definition of infidelity to reflect the changing times, to stay current with all of the new modalities of cheating. Internet porn is a form of betrayal. And the more a man makes it 'real' for him, (eg. naming them, viewing live webcams, etc), the more it is justified as cheating. I suggest you beat him at his own game, and see if he tolerates it as well as he would expect you to. Confess to him that you've been masturbating to a guy's webcam who resembles his best friend. Make your story believable and try to keep it up for a few days. If he's sneaking around with your 'sister', and your 'friends' in his erotic mind, then you can give him a dose of his own before telling him how you feel. If this guy doesn't respect your feelings about his porn habits, then he's more than just a sneaky pervert, he's inconsiderate of your wants and your needs so that he can benefit his. That's selfish. If you begin to see internet porn for what it really is.....men jerking off while fantasizing about doing things to the woman on the screen, then you have no other conclusion than to call it...."mental cheating". Once a man can visualize himself with another woman, be brought to orgasm by thoughts of her, and keep returning to her pictures over time, we must no longer consider this simple fantasy. Fantasy occurs only in the mind, and can be acted out with one's lover. This guy is bringing his fantasies to life behind your back. He is dabbling in the newest form of infidelity, and you're questioning whether you should be worried?????? How about hurt and angry!!! Worry is only felt at the suspicion that something is wrong. You already have proof. Use that proof to either rebuild the trust he has broken, or to leave the relationship. It's all a question of redefining what cheating is. We must stay current with the world around us or we'll end up barefoot, pregnant, and trapped in unfulfilling relationships. Don't let this guy continue to have mental sex, and real orgasms with women you know. I'm sorry that you have to go through this. Be strong and creative.
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