A
female
age
36-40,
*azed & Confused
writes:I met a guy at school and we've been hanging out when he confessed to me he like me and after 3 months of hanging out with him he told me he could see himself falling in love with me. We're just friends and I don't feel the same way about him. Being my friend, I thought I would let him know some do's and don'ts about dating. Things like, don't tell someone you have to go "drop some bomb" (poop) and not to eat like you haven't eaten in days (ravenous). He was totally upset!! I thought friends would be able to talk about those things. Was I out of line? What things should girls never say to men? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Dazed & Confused +, writes (16 April 2007):
Dazed & Confused is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks. My comments were not intended as a put down, but I suppose that I should never give advise unless asked.
A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (15 April 2007):
I would say yes you were out of line. No one likes to hear bad things about them, especially when they aren't asking for your honest opinion, but even then you have to be careful with how you say it. The fact that hes likes you alot, and you put him down by critiziing thigns about him like the way he eats, would of really hurt him.
Yes there are some things you shouldnt tell people, and there are some things you should. As a general rule/way of thinking, I ask myself what will the other person gain from me telling them? Will it have any positive impact on them? Or just negative? If its somethign they cant change or do anythign about then telling them about it is a definate no.
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A
female
reader, chachacha  +, writes (15 April 2007):
Firstly, you don't seem to have dealt with his expression of desire towards you. When he said: "he could see himself falling in love with me" how did you handle the fact that you don't feel the same way about him? Did you explain why? Were you kind about it? Did you thank him for feeling nicely towards you, or were you just irritated by it and let that show?
Regarding, "let him know some do's and don'ts about dating" you should only do this when someone has asked you to. That is to say, if he said: are there any thing that I do which you don't think girls will like? and you said, do you want me to be really honest? and he said "yes", then you would be in order to describe some of the things that you don't like.
But he hasn't done that. It sounds like what you have really done is laid on him a long list of criticism of him in response to his declaration towards him. Not very kind, is it?
There are no separate rules for being nice to your girlfriend and being nice to people in general - so if you feel that the phrase go "drop some bomb" is gross, you should have told him that when he said it first - e.g. "please be more discreet, I don't like it when you say that kind of thing".
I don't know what your problem is with his appetite. If he eats quickly and a lot, how does this affect you? If he spills his food, eats with his mouth open, etc, then you could say "I'd prefer it if you didn't eat with your mouth open, I don't like to see the food in your mouth". But the time to say this is when he's eating, not just when he has said he really likes you.
So of course he was totally upset!!
Yes, you were out of line?
When you ask: "What things should girls never say to men?" (i) girls / men??? do you mean girls / boys, and women / men? (ii)you should treat all people, whatever their gender or relationship to you with equal respect and politeness. Never give anyone "feedback" on their personal habits unless they have asked you first, or unless you are expressing YOUR feelings about how their behaviour is impacting on you, and say it kindly and contemporaneously.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2007): (lol) Well, in this case, I don't think you were out of line. You are not his "gf",...just a friend. You were giving him some good advice. He may have been "upset", but you shouldn't worry about it. He will think about it. Hopefully, you said it with tact and not as a personal put- down. He may have grown up in an area where he never knew any better. No positive examples. And nobody had ever told him. There are people, guys and girls alike, who are great people, otherwise. They just haven't been taught the basic "etiquettes". When they go out into the "world", i.e, college, they usually learn a few things. But not always very soon. Often, many are still looking for "Animal House". It was a funny movie, but also pretty gross. Not your typical university experience. (wink)
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