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female
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*idgetgem
writes: Ok, this is really awkward. I'm getting married in August and I love my other half. Our sex life is not brilliant, when it happens it's great it just doesn't happen very often.I suppose I have to say that as an intro but maybe I'm excusing myself. You see, a couple of weeks ago I got really, really drunk with a male friend of mine at his house. Thought nothing of it until he told me that, that night we had sex. I don't remember it at all and when he told me I wept my heart out a it could mean the end of my relationship.My mate felt really guilty as he said what he did was stantamount to rape as I was really out of it and he had fancied me for ages.He did take advantage of me when I was very drunk but how much of this am I responsible for and should I tell my partner? I know it would destroy us and I have been feeling sick ever since he told me that, that was what happened.Should I even believe him? He seemed very genuine when he told me but he's so not the kind of man I fancy and I just can't see me doing it.My partner thankfully is away on business now which gives me time to sort my head out. He trusts me implicitly (always tells me so) and I feel terrible that I may have betrayed him.I really can't remember any of what my friend is telling me. What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2006): this happened to me as well.was out with a male friend, he kept buying drinks and next thing i know its 7am i'm late for work and he's next to me in bed. that was a few months ago but i still dont remember everything. i get flashbacks of him half carrying me up the stairs and carrying me to bed but thats it. i don't know how sober he was but he drove us to his place so..... i have basically avoided him and alcohol since then.you should too. like someone said, guys like these are opportunists waiting for a chance to take advantage of the trust women have in them.
dont tell your fiance.dont know him but i doubt he'd understand and your relationship, if it survived, would never be the same.
A
female
reader, midgetgem +, writes (7 November 2006):
midgetgem is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks guys you've qll been really helpful. I've asked this friend not to contact em for a while as he was e-mailing like nothing had happened.
Still no memory of the night at all. Far as I'm concerned I got drunk fell asleep ALONE.
I have to watch the old booze in future i agree. It's not like I'm a teenager anymore and I can't be getting myself into that state again.
For now i think it's best I stay quiet about the whole thing. Like you say it could even be untrue.
Still feel like the world's biggest shit though.
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A
female
reader, cafrin0072 +, writes (7 November 2006):
of course you should tell him you now for a fact he will find out any way its better coming from you otherwise he will never trust you again.
he obviously loves you alot because he is marrying you and you will be the only one ruining it if you dont tell him
you know its right
good luck
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (7 November 2006):
 You ask a very important question here...How much of this am I responsible for? Unless you were passed out and unable to defend yourself, I'd say 50 %. I'll probably get accused of being insensitive but what I'm about to say is very important. The man's actions also depend on how much he had to drink. If you use alcohol as an excuse then so could he. If you don't remember what happened, perhaps you were also enjoying the moment due to the alcohol and not trying to stop him.
When we're drunk, we sometimes do strange things . Actually we don't know what we'll forget or remember until the next day. In other words, if you drank 10 beers and don't remember anything and he drank 10 beers too, who's to blame? Why is his judement scrutinized?
IF your judgement was off, his might have been too. So, unless he was sober, the guilt is shared equally. He's only an opportunist if he knew you didn't understand what was happening. The fact that he apologized possibly reflects the fact that he saw how upset you were. It could also mean he's scared about what he did.
That being said, you shouldn't be around him.
This is also important but since you don't know what really happened, it's hard to prove. If he was sober and you were passed out, then it was possibly rape. If you were both drunk and you participated, it's possibly not rape. Unfortunately in these situations someone feels guilty in the morning and blame gets asigned through sober eyes. If you can remember anything about the mood of the night, it might help you decide how to persue this.
Once again, the KEY pont here is this...Was he really drunk too and were you conscious or not. That makes all the difference.
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A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (7 November 2006):
 hi there,
this is really a very delicate issue which needs a lot of wisdom to resolve. i think u need to calm urself down and take some responsibility in this case getting drunk and lost control, however im of a different opinion all other aunts who responded said dont tell him but i think its best if u tell ur boyfriend just be honest with him if he is a reasonable being he will understand although he might be abit pushed at first, why i say u must tell its because this thing is weighing heavily on u and u are really not coping and unable to forgive urself and then again u dont know what ur friend's intentions are although he said its because he has liked u for yrs which is really not an excuse normally when u like someone u respect them, he seem like a psycho to me a normal human being can not do that to the other, lets say he is planning to go with his own version to ur boyfriend and mess everything for u guys bcos if he can have sex with u unaware what will stop him from telling ur bf hey?
then what are u going to do? do u think ur bf will understand and forgive u? i dont think so he will wonder why u kept it from him if u were so innocent.
rather be open about it than kill urself with a dirty secret like this while ur friend is enjoying the view. good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2006): Don't tell your boyfriend. This other bloke is a low-life. I don't think he even touched you, just in his head! If you're ever cornered, deny it, its his word against yours. Just be safe in future, never get into this sort of situation. What your boyfriend doesn't know won't hurt him. Take care. Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, I Waited For The One  +, writes (7 November 2006):
 i tottally agree with the other's u will have to watch your drinking in the future. the other's say don't tell your partner that's true because let's be honest your friend could want u to tell your partner and then he finishes you and he get's to be the shoulder to cry on and then try is luck. to me i don't think for 1 second he would of had sex with you it sound's like he want's u and he don't care's who he hurt's in the long run.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2006): I agree with the others, particularly Ponungalungb, he is an opportunist and is best avoiding and having nothing to do with him ever again. Be more careful about getting drunk in the future, never do it in situations like this one. It's very, very sad that you can't trust people but there are many seemingly lovely guys who are just opportunists. He said it himself - he fancied you for ages. But what kind of a human being can have sex with someone who is passed out or so drunk they arn't making any sense? A sick one. I think if you get to know many girls well who have got heavily drunk you'll quickly see just how often these kind of things happen.
I hope you can get through this, all the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2006): Well this is an unfortuneate state of affairs, and I can understand your dismay...Great advice here below, just try to forgive yourself, try to learn from your mistake, stay away from the guy who took advantage of you, and by no means tell your fiance as this would not help you or him, and he would probably want to kill that guy friend of yours....just try to move past it all...if you think you were raped, you may want to consider what to do about it like press charges, but if you don't even remember it I would also question if it really happened, you would have had to been completely passed out not to remember!
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A
male
reader, Ponungalungb  +, writes (7 November 2006):
 I think I would avoid your so-called male friend. He's no friend, he's an opportunist. I wouldn't mention a word of it to your fiance. Some things are better left unsaid.
In the future, don't get drunk . . . and you won't have to remember what you did or didn't do. . . nor regret them.
Good luck!
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