A
female
age
,
*other Theresa
writes:My only child is a grown man, but with a mental illness. He was on his own and became severely ill and unable to care for himself. His healing team told me this was a unique situation and he needed to come home. I was engaged and living with my then-fiance at the time, who didn't want this around him, so I moved out and rented a house to make a home for my son. His dad, who didn't have anywhere to live, wanted to move in. I said no, but then realized he could help with our son, as I work full time (in my home office) and our son needed more supervision and interaction, at that time, than I could provide. Also, I knew our son always needed and craved his dad's time and affection, which he'd never gotten, so helping his dad to grow would help our son. I helped both of them and the dad helped the son. It has been like having two special-needs youngsters, though. I worked at teaching them how to live in harmony and to have a good life, and they both seem more capable, now. I always expected that once our son was well again, they each would move on their own. I made it clear that I would help out in every way necessary and make sure they both continued to do well. Now, 4.75 years later, our son is looking forward to living on his own. He's signed up for HUD. His dad, though, refuses to consider leaving and tells me forcefully that he'll never leave. He drinks and smokes and has C.O.P.D., so he hacks dreadfully every morning. I foresee, and he agrees that he will become ill from his bad habits, like his parents, both ending up on oxygen constantly. I don't want to live this way forever. I feel very depressed and hopeless. He gets ugly when I bring it up. I feel like he would prefer to suck all the life out of me rather than let me go and have a home apart from him, where I can have the cleanliness and type environment I desire. He seems unintelligent to me, because he doesn't try to make things better but is always either drinking and smoking or trying to get more. (I lock the alcohol to prevent his getting too drunk, like he did at first, but when he gets the opportunity, he gets drunk. I don't want to live this way forever. I always try to make home better. I do repairs and improvements. I manage the little money we have so the bills are paid. We have never once even kissed, since he came here. I would never do that. I have made it clear from the start that I consider him family, but will never be his woman. Can anyone give me some good advice? Thank you.
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depressed, drunk, engaged, money, move on, moved out, my ex, smokes Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 September 2013):
 Ooops ! Yes, I meant " your ex's mother ". Darn Saxon genitive, it still tricks me some times.
I did not know that you need to get a legal eviction notice to get rid of an unwanted housemate ,of course make sure that everything is done properly and regularly according to the laws ; when I say " put him out by the scruff of his neck " I don't mean it in a literal sense- my point is just : toughen up and don't let this guy either intimidate you or play the pity card.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 September 2013):
 Good that your son is doing great and is now able to try to be on his own again.
You Ex DH? You owe him nothing. He can't tell you "I'm not moving!" because you have absolutely NO obligation to help him out any more or be his caretaker.
Legally, you need to get an eviction notice.
IF he is NOT on the lease, you need to have him evicted. If he has lived there longer then 7 days he has established residence and the police can't "just" kick him out. You have to go to the courthouse, civil division ask for an eviction notice for him and have it served. It's the legal and proper way to do it. The only time Police can actually kick him out is in Domestic Violence situations.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (5 September 2013):
My advise is simple : if the lease is in your name, grow a pair, get tough and put this guy out by the scruff of his neck. Call law enforcement if necessary- but if you are calm and form enough, and you show him you mean business , I don't think it will get to that.
As the mother of a son with mental health challenges, you had to resort to your nurturing skills to the fullest, and really be mom 24/7. And ifyour son should ever need this kind of hands-on care again, you'll provide it again. No problem, that's what moms are for.
But you aren't your mother's ex . Human compassion should not stretch to the point that you can't live your life as you see fit , because of the presence of someone who is not your responsibility.
Let him go live his life as he wants, including drinking and smoking, wherever he wants ... as long as it's not YOUR place.
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