A
female
age
41-50,
*upid lover
writes:My grandmother and mother are both negative gossips. I am 32 years old and for the past 4 years have put some distance between them and myself. However, now that I have returned to the city that I grew up in and they live in my grandmother is desperate to see me. She is leaving guilt laden messages on my phone. I really just want to be left alone!!Talking to her does not seem to be the solution as she takes all information and uses it to gossip to anyone who will listen. Who spreads filth about their own grandchildren?In the past I have heard my mother and grandmother gossiping about me on the phone when they didn't know I was listening. I have also heard then gossip about family members my whole life. Sometimes they could spend 2 hours on one person. Obviously it comes out of boredom and insecurity. The point is that if I confront my grandmother about why I don't want contact she will deny any wrongdoing and then gossip that I am a liar (this has happened before).I really don't have any feelings of love for these people anymore. In the past 10 years I can't remember one single memory that makes me happy.Any advice on what to do here? I have read that with histrionic people it is best just to keep no contact because any attention you give them is like feeding the problem.Please help!!!
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female
reader, cupid lover +, writes (6 July 2014):
cupid lover is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Honeypie, I was absolutely furious when I found out her behaviour at the gallery. I knew what she was like but this was really a new low and really showed me what she's like. Made me realise that she is a frenemy. I haven't spoken to her since (2 years ago). The only contact e have had is me sending her a Xmas card.
This is how she is and you're right any important info has to be kept away from her. I am still undecided about seeing her but if I do I am going to wait a while. The guilt I feel is ridiculous, though!!
Thanks for your input.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (6 July 2014):
 I'm sorry, seems like your family are lacking so common decency. If I had a family member crating drama at a place I was showing my art I would be furious.
However, YOU know what your family is like.
I'd also give her one more chance,but I would GIVE her NO info about my life, my work anything pertaining to ME. If she has used info like that before then DO NOT give her any ammo.
Stick to chit-chat subjects.
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A
female
reader, cupid lover +, writes (5 July 2014):
cupid lover is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks CindyCares. Of course I do not hate her for being ill. I just hate her negativity. Also, I have excused her behaviour my whole life because I have been taught by my family to put my needs second to theirs. Walking around on egg shells I guess you could say. If I stood up for myself ever I was told I was a "naughty girl"- even as an adult! Now, I am over it and feel as though I have neglected myself and what is right for me because of both my grandmother and my mother.
I think you're right though about giving her another chance. I will never trust her because I know what she is like and she will never change but maybe making some very clear boundaries and then taking it from there.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 July 2014):
 I think that if you really really wanted to be left out of the family- you would not even be writing to us. You would have had no doubts , you would have made up your mind and written your family off with no regrets and no looking back.
So you don't " really really " want that, maybe what you want is more like being included in the family ,and that everybody ,though ,acts just in the way that you deem plasant or acceptable. Which, alas, does not always happen . In any family.
You want to set your own non negotiable terms and conditions. Understandable, but rarely effective and often cause of unnecessary strife and tensions.
It's a fine balance, between standing up for yourself and
demanding due respect, and being flexible, wise and understanding.
I'd go with one last try. After all, you've got clout now. You have been away , and not in touch for a long while, so your grandma has seen that you mean business. If she screws up again, then that's it, you are gone. I think this time she may be more receptive to your wants , because by now she knows you are serious about them.
Plus- again- why do you have to talk about your personal business?? Until she has not gained back your trust, admitting that's even possible- just talk about something else, something general.
Finally, you say your grandmother has a personality disorder. So she is ill. And you HATE her for being ill ?? ...
Again, a little compassion goes a long way. Compassion is not mandatory, you don't have to show it, or to fake it, if it's not there. It's an optional, but an useful one. Useful for you, not for them. It would dissolve part of the anger , bitterness and resentment you feel . It would make YOU feel better , more positive, more vital. It would free you of a weight.
If you don't feel like doing it, don't do it. There's no law which says you have to talk to a grandma if you don't like her.
But- do you want allow a gossipy old bird to keep you in check like that ? To have such an hold on your feelings and thoughts, on your well being ? Do you want to give the POWER to make you anxious or angry or miserable, to a silly kooky old lady ?..... What about , if you learn to not sweat the small stuff, and to live your life happily and serenely even if Nan says to Aunt Clementine that last time she saw you were wearing too much make up and your haircut was bad and you did not look that pretty, etc.etc. ? WHO CARES are the two most liberating words of English language ...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2014): After additional posts we finally get the details.
It isn't just grandma. You simply want no contact from your family; because you really don't like any of them. You want nothing to do with them.
Well, they just may resent your rejection and shame of them; as much as you resent their gossip.
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A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (5 July 2014):
 Personally I don't see the problem in cutting her out of your life. You can't choose your family... You can choose how you interact with them. Some family members can truly drain you and make you miserable. Anyone who makes you that unhappy shouldn't be in your life. Not everyone has a family member like this, so maybe it isn't understandable. I have an abusive father and other emotionally unstable family members so I get it.
When someone affects you this negatively its like a cancer. It doesn't matter if no one else sees the gossip as something bad, it hurts YOU. Only you know how you feel and why. And you don't need to just deal with it.
You said you have already discussed the gossip with them and nothing changed, you can give that one last go again if you wish. Say its her last chance before losing you and explain how it makes you feel.
If that doesn't do it then cut them out, change your number. Do whatever you have to do. Don't accept negativity into your life. Speaking to your grandma makes you uncomfortable to say the least, you shouldn't feel any guilt about it.
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A
female
reader, cupid lover +, writes (5 July 2014):
cupid lover is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso, I have nothing to hide. I just hate being gossiped about. I really really want to be left out of the family. I have told her that but she doesn't hear.
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A
female
reader, cupid lover +, writes (5 July 2014):
cupid lover is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPut it this way, she went into a gallery where my work was exhibited and started talking to the manager of the gallery about the fact that I haven't spoken to her. The way I found about this was from the manager himself. I can't trust her with anything. I worked really hard to get into that gallery and then she walks in and tried to ruin it for me. I almost hate her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2014): If you know she has a personality disorder, you know that what she does is due to her illness. You said your mother also gossips about you. Is she ill also?
You're an adult, and you can stand-up to any behavior you're offended by. She's an old woman. I don't care how you try to defend ignoring her; it's still about family. Let her talk. If you have to go on Facebook and do some damage control, just remind everybody what a sad and sick old woman she is.
She gossips within the family. You're talking about the people who know you. What can she say that they don't already know? You're over-sensitive, or you have a history you're not proud of. Rise above it, and keep your family together. If you know she's ill, so does everybody else.
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A
female
reader, cupid lover +, writes (5 July 2014):
cupid lover is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice. I don't think I made it clear in my post that the behaviour of my family towards me over the past ten years has really been quite damaging to me ad my brother. My grandmother has a personality disorder and people only spend time with her out of pity. She is fearful and sucks the life out of everyone she comes across. However, I will take on board what you have said.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2014): I totally agree with WiseowlE. Unless this has directly been a form of abuse or affected you beyond you being hurt, it's better to take the high road and build bridges. Family bugs us all, and the truth is they have the ability to hurt you more than others cos there are less boundaries. Ignoring her calls is just going to give her more ammo to to gossip about, saying what a terrible grandchild she has etc...Try and be as thick skinned as you can about it and don't live by their example. Of course you love your family, but I think it's clear you'll never be close. That doesn't mean you have to cut them out completely either, just take it on the chin. You're clearly aware of what they are like, that it's not a personal attack, that they're just bored and like to gossip about people, try not to get involved and pay your grandmother a visit. Steer the conversation away from gossip to more positive things. Don't be afraid to challenge her negative put-downs. You're entitled to your opinion too, without having to get into a big argument about it.If you feel like every things taking too much of a toll on your personal life, then yes, distance yourself, but I feel like this has pent itself up to the point where everything they do irritates and upsets you, and maybe if you bite the bullet and go see your family, you'll realise it's not as bad as you've made it out to be. Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2014): If you have no love for your own grandmother and mother, explain why you wrote this post OP? Why don't you just get a private number and not give it to her?
Did you diagnose your mother and grandmother with histrionic personality disorder, or is it a clinical diagnosis from a licensed professional? I'd would say that's taking it over-top about a chatty little old granny!
How far can the gossip reach? Only within the family, and family gossip is nothing but talk. It happens in everyone's family. These are women of the old-school, who probably don't get out much, and they are full of venom and judgement. The gossip has gone on for years, and it's their way of entertaining themselves. It titillates and spices up their dull lives.
You are three generations of a kind. Two that gossip, and one who can't talk to her own grandmother and mother; because she herself is harsh and judgmental! You could take the high road, reconcile all this crap, and turn it around.
Instead you've made it some big deal; as if they were selling your private life-story to the tabloids.
Get real!
You handle it by taking a stand and telling the old biddy that it offends you when she judges you and spreads gossip.
Let her know you've overheard her and your mother; so stop denying it. If she wants to see and hear from you, she'll have to cut it out. You will give her one more chance to stop it, or she'll never hear form you again. This is only a threat. You've punished her enough already.
You can't change an old lady! She is who she is, and you're pretty stubborn yourself. It appears it runs three generations.
You have to grow a thicker skin and rebuild bridges. Use intellect and diplomacy, and stop trying to "change" your grandmother. She's an old gossip. You've known that all your life.
Has the gossip destroyed your life? Have you had a significant loss because of it? Has it ruined your relationship with anyone else? Or are you just a big crybaby who just doesn't like people to talk about her?
If you are trying to transform your granny into a sweet little old lady who sips tea and tells you stories, perhaps that's not who'll she'll ever be. She cares enough to want to see you, which means she loves you. In spite of being a pest; her days are numbered. There are things we don't begrudge the elderly; because they grew up in a different time and are set in their ways. We don't deny our own family love; unless they wickedly abuse us in some way.
So granny talks too much. Give her a visit. Lay down the law and tell her exactly how you feel about things. You'd be surprised how much weight that will take off your shoulders. You wrote this post out of guilt. You do care about her, and you do want to see her. You just want to punish her for talking about you. I've heard of worse things done than gossip, my dear.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (4 July 2014):
Actually, I'd think there's an easy solution to your problem. Just do not give her ammo. Do not tell her anything too personal, or anything that you would not want spread around . You can keep your visit not too long , and sort of not too intimate. Talk about the weather, kitchen recipes, the news... talk about HER, people is always willing to talk about their own things ( pets/ health problems / purchases ) and they forget to ask about you. If she does ask about stuff that you do not want to share, you do not have to share it. You can say, sorry but I do not want to talk about this, or sorry but's really too personal, then smile and steer firnly the conversation into another direcion.
Why don't I advise you to just keep ignoring her ? well, you can do that if you want, but a little compassion goes a long way. She is still family. And she's older- maybe not terribly old , but if you are 32 she'd be in her 70's right ? Life has a strange way to SHRINK when you cannot be as active and busy and vital as before, - the banalities of daily life, the menial events of other people' s life take a much bigger importance when you are not busy yourself raising a family / having passionate love stories / building a career / being out and about having fun etc.etc. It happens to everybody in some way to some extent...
Finally, yeah she is not the best person or the best grandmother, she has flaws and faults. She is human. You won't ever deal with anybody who is perfect, and just like you want them. Maybe these imperfect people have some redeeming graces - in your grandma's case , that of CARING about you, and about seeing you. She wants to see you, she wants to know about you, in front of your obvious coldness and lack of cooperation. A big portion of humble pie , for her age- it means she cares about you, in her twisted and imperfect way. Don't take that for granted. There are grandparents / other relatives relatives / even parents who could not care less about making an effort , and, at some point, particularly if you aren't responsive, they'd just shrug you off with an : ah well. So be it .
I'd say, give it a try at least, keep it polite but neutral, see how it goes. If the experiment does not succeed , you do not have to repeat it.
As you see I left out the relatiosnhip with your mother, on purpose- a relationship with a mother is always something more complicated, more passional, more visceral... it may hurt more, and be too problematic to be mended by a couple of afternoon teas.
But grandma, I think you could handle her...and maybe restart the r/ ship on a different basis, if you SHOW her how you want to be treated...
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