A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Thankyou for taking the time to read this I have been struggling with something that has happened recently and I don't know how to overcome it. 2 and a half years ago I suffered a miscarriage with a previous partner. We were at the end of our relationship at the time and weren't on very good terms. When I lost the baby I didn't even have the courage to tell him as he wasn't supportive towards me when I found out so in the end I just told him I wasn't pregnant and just got on with things, got out of the relationship and met someone new a few months down the line. Around about a year and a half ago I was told by medics that I have a folic acid deficieny after undergoing blood tests for complaints of being tired all the time. And I was told that as a result of this if I was to fall pregnant I would have high risk of miscarriage and if I did happen to carry to full term that would be defects. So I've put having a baby naturally to the back of mind and when the time is ready I will consider other options. I am still with my new partner of almost 2 years and recently we have had a pregnancy scare but it turned out just my period being late and was in fact not pregnant. Despite knowing all the risks and not being mentally or financially ready. In fact we've not even spoke about children apart from the fact that my partner is nowhere near ready. I had a strange feeling of hoping I was pregnant for some reason. And I was in fact a little bit disappointed when I wasn't.We are at the point in our relationship where we are discussing moving in together and a lot of our coupled friends live together and some of them have babies or babies on the way to add to their little families. And I must say this crushes me a little bit as I know if I was to get pregnant I would either miscarriage or there would be complications. Don't get me wrong, I'm not ready myself, my partner doesn't want to but for some reason I had a feeling of wanting to be. I guess I saw this as my second chance? But somewhere in the back of my mind despite my partner being 100% supportive of me in everything we've overcome in our relationship so far I have a feeling that my partner would be upset/angry if I was pregnant as this is not what he wants.I'm struggling with how to tell him this as it has been playing on my mind since it happened but without making him think I'm some crazy broody woman. I'm really struggling to tell him how I feel about it all just incase he isn't supportive. Please help!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 July 2014):
 You know what ?, I am thinking that , before and beyond sharing your feelings with your bf if you wish, the most practical thing would be to have a good long chat with an OB/GYN . Again, I am no doctor but I have got the feeling you MIGHT have misinterpreted something.
True, low levels of folic acid increase risks of miscarriage, and of having a baby with serious neural tube defects, but folic acid levels do not HAVE necessarily to stay low. They can be increased with pre- natal care. ( AS a matter of fact, all women in childbearing age are advised to assume at least 400 micrograms of folate a day. 800 when pregnant ). You start before getting pregnant , taking supplements in pills or shots and eating good food sources of folic acid ( folic- fortified breakfast cereals, liver, leafy green vegetables, nuts and legumes... ) and you raise your folic acid levels.
If this does not happen, it would mean that you have a folic acid malabsorption problem- and THAT should be investigated and treated regardless of pregnancy. A malabsorbion is not necessarily untreatable and uncurable !
In other words, aren't you putting the cart before the horses ?... Did the doctors tell you that there's nothing to do and you'll ALWAYS have this condition... or did they simply tell you that , at the time, your miscarriage might have been caused by your low folic acid levels ?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2014): Thankyou very much for your answers, this has helped me. I don't feel the want to have a baby, I know myself it is not the right time to be doing this in either of our lives. I just feel because I miscarried before and then I was told there would be risks in the future I feel like I am missing out on something that I will possibly want in the future. I still don't seem to know how to share these feelings with my partner as this is very personal to me. And no I didn't share my miscarriage with anyone apart from my partner that I am with now. Or should I keep these feelings to myself as I don't want to scare him away? Thankyou.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2014): Please be considerate of your health, and the possibility of defects; or the threat of yet another miscarriage. It makes no sense to want a child with someone who isn't ready. That alone should push the idea out of your head.
The miscarriage you suffered has left you grieving, and you should seek some grief-counseling to get an emotional grip on that experience in your life. It isn't something easy for a woman to go through; especially when she really wanted to have a child. You had the grief of a failed relationship on top of that loss. That is a lot to recover from. You rushed into yet another relationship only months after. That was too soon. You haven't had a chance to heal from anything yet, and wisdom tells me your present relationship is not what it should be. Your post feels depressed and unhappy.
I will not venture to challenge what you've been told by doctors; but don't hesitate to seek additional medical opinions from specialists regarding your medical issues. From your description; I'm not sure you have a full understanding of the medical diagnosis you were given. I would suggest you find a specialist; who could give you more reassurance and answer more questions before resting on a single medical opinion from an intern or a general practitioner.
You're carrying too much of a heavy load on your shoulders; and it would be therapeutic to have a talk with your own mother about your feelings. I wonder if you've kept your loss a secret for all this time. Dear lady, there is way too much weighing down on your young soul to handle all this by yourself. You have to open up and share your feelings. It is part of healing. Seek your comfort in every possible form. You need more than our advice, you need to be consoled and advised by someone closer to you. You'll read what has been said and advised here; but I speculate that your mind is already made up.
I want to add, that the quality of life for a child with multiple defects is a lot to put a poor infant through. Struggling painfully while fighting for life is just too much for such a fragile little angel. You'll watch helplessly in pain and regret. So be careful. If you love children, realize that a lifetime of suffering is not a gift to a child. If you've been warned against pregnancy, don't be selfish. Take precautions. No one can just tell you forget about it, if your natural instincts are getting the better of you. If you somehow feel that successfully completing a pregnancy will alleviate all the sadness and grief. You may be taking on more that you're emotionally prepared to deal with. You already know your partner isn't ready for a child. I don't think you're emotionally ready for motherhood at this point in your life either.
Why are you so set on having a baby without a firm commitment for yourself, and financial security for both you and the child? If what the doctors warned is correct; your child may spend more time in a hospital than with you.
Not to mention you just may be abandoned with a child with serious birth-defects and special medical needs. That can be rough and very costly on two parents. Let alone doing it all alone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2014): I just want to address this first: if he wouldn't be supportive and understanding, though not the same as agreeing to have a baby, he's not for you.
Are you not using two forms of contraception? I ask because you appear to possibly be risking pregnancy, if you thought you could be pregnant. I'm not going to judge YOU if you're not taking extra precautions, but IT would be silly, as you are not yet ready for a baby and all that it would entail.
It's COMPLETELY normal for most women to want children at random stages in their lives - adolescence to be "grown up" and receive "unconditional love", early 20s - late 30s to start settling down and start a family, 40s and 50s because the children may have flown the nest. Obviously, those are just the general reasons we see, but it shows that you have to be ready before ACTING on it, but it's normal to have those feelings. You just need to give yourself reality checks when you feel that way - even planning it out on occasion with "for my future child, I'd like....", but accept that your future child would be a few years from now when you're stable in all aspects possible! :-)
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (4 July 2014):
You are not crazy.. but you are broody :). And your partner should NOT be supportive, since: you are too young, you are not ready, he is not ready , and you have a folic acid deficiency to take care of ( at least the best you can ) before conceiving. Think if he was supportive, and was an impulsive, easygoing guy who just wants to please you and see you smile.... THEN you'd be both in hot water.
Btw, I've said it before so maybe readers are sick and tired of reading it, but I just can't wrap my head around it. Stats say that average age for first childbirth in UK is close to THIRTYONE one now . And a big percentage ( can't remember exactly, but big ) of all babies born in Uk are born from women 35 and over.
How come on DC we get all the teen /early 20s moms and wanna be moms ? Those who says " all my friends are pregnant " ?... where are you hidden, ladies ? in which particular location / circumstances ?... because you are definitely going against the general trend.
Just saying. Not that going against the general trend is against the law : ). I just have a hard time figuring this out.
Never mind. Back to you. No, if he is not ready- case closed. It takes TWO involved, convinced parents . ( Who also have the financial capacity to raise a child, too ). But , beside money, it should be wanted equally by both.
Now, I know that there are eternal Peter Pans that keep postponing with various excuses, they are never ready, at 35, at 40, because they never want to grow up, they want to always be the child, never the parent. But, if your bf is in your age range or slightly older, that's not the case ( not yet at least ). He is not ready because he IS young. I suppose there are other things that he has to do and sort out before becoming a parent, which is not, and should not be, his priority, anyway regardless of the more or less valid whys... if he does not wish it with all his heart, he's not ready, trust me. Becoming a parent is a joy, but also a big committment, a big effort, a big sacrifice too - if either one is not fully willing, but just "toped in " , inevitably he'll end up resenting the partner, or, worse, the child.
As for the folic acid deficiency, I am no doctor so probably I am saying something incorrect, but- anemia caused by folic acid deficiency is seldom genetic / incurable- it's a remediable condition ( my sister HAD it . Had, past tense ). Iron supplements, proper rest, better nutrition, eat plenty of spinach :), stuff like that.
I cannot know about your case, but I think it could be worth exploring your options in terms of remedies and cures, - before exploring alternative options to natural pregnancy.
Said that, if you want to share your feelings with your bf, I see nothing wrong in that, that's also what bfs are for , unloading a heavy heart . But.. sharing only- no pushing , pressuring or pleading your case, OK ? :)
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