A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:MY husband went to Police trainging for a week in another state, the 1st night there he hung out with the other single cops from his job who spoke of prostitutes, he claimed he got him thinking and by night he had a prostitute come to his hotel room for a oral. he said there was no thouight in it, he went to the ad his friends said and clicked on the 1st person that came up and hired her. I thought he was the perfect man. We have been together for about 10 yrs, we have 4 children under 18 and live a perfect suburban life. We have great sex and am affectionate and attentive to him, and before this I still got that euphoric feeling about him. He is remorseful, says he cant explain why and wants to see a Dr. He said she was an object and separated the human aspect of it and didnt think about me until the guilt took hold after he was done. I want to stay, but he was the 1st man in my life I trusted, and I dont know if everything can go back the way it was before 9/12/10. He is still away and its killing me inside. He said the first day back he is seeking counseling and would do anything in the world to prove to me he's not "that person". How do I get over this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010): Update: Thank you to all who took the time to help me by giving me advice. I believe my husband is truly remorseful. He has started going back to church, we haven't been there in years, he is seeing a doctor to figure out why he did what he did, when he feels he was happily married. He changed his direct deposit into my checking account to prove where every dime he makes is going. He stopped playing Golf, this is a big one because he loves golf. He stopped because he didn't want to put me in a position of wondering if he was at golf or sneaking somewhere. ( Because, I now question if the life I was sharing with him real ) Before he came home from his trip, he was seeking advice on the web, ( I looked at the computer history when he came back ) He is worried even though I am here for now, he feels I may never get past it 100% and things will never be the same. Every time we speak of the situation he cries, in ten years I could count on my hand how many times I have seen him cry. I don't torture him about it but think out loud. I mean why am I sentenced to these fleeting thoughts while its not crossing his mind. I think he needs to know, if he is in my presence and it hits me again, he will know what Im thinking. His spirit seems crushed by his own actions. Something happens everyday to remind me of that day and I don't know how to get over that horrible feeling. I love him still. It sounds silly, but other than that day, I would consider him the best man I have ever met. Is it I have to forget that day? Wouldn't that leave me open to get hurt again?
A
male
reader, jimrich +, writes (17 September 2010):
FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR CHILDREN who are the real losers in this, get into some kind of counseling or
take your kids and GET OUT.
Kids deserve the best parental role models you can give them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010): sorry to hear about this. As a man, temptation is HUGE and he was pressured I bet. Men do pressure no matter what age. Nonetheless, hes capable of making his own decision and faltered. Sounds like u have a stable marriage otherwise and I think counseling would benefit u guys. Best to you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2010): If there is ever an opening for forgiveness it is when the person who did wrong is genuinely sorry and won't ever do it again.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2010): Seems like the less painful thing to have done is to not have told you and made and kept a promise NEVER to do it again.
He may have off loaded most of his guilt on you, and seriously wounded you in the process.
Marriage counciling and private counciling immediately!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2010): At least for a start he has told you the truth. You have to remember it's not your fault. I can imagine how horrible you must feel and it must be a complete shock! Maybe you should both go to counselling to get to the bottom of this issue. If worse comes to worse and he really screws u over, you can always get him back by letting the papers know what police get upto in their spare time!! Best of luck x
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2010): It seems he is truth full and honest to you. It was mistake by him, but i feel you should just forgive him. No need to counselor and all etc. just forgive him with saying that it was first mistake. In any case it was only a prostitute with no mind of your hubby towards her. I think he him self will not be able to easily forgive himself. So it is necessary that you should help him do that.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2010): Marriage counseling for the two of you, and counseling for him alone individually by another counselor.
You will get a lot of advice, from friends, from here, and most of it will be colored by others experiences and histories.
However, you need to know a lot more about this situation before you act, other than the issues above.
If he did this, as a cop, then you have other concerns as well, and I suspect that he has a lot more to tell you. He could lose his job, he may be using drugs or alcohol more than you realize. Don't assume you know what is actually going on, or has been going on, with any of those issues (drugs, sex, job, co-workers).
Get help before you make any other decisions.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (15 September 2010):
 Normally with cheating him telling you right away is a great sign in that he truly does feel bad and knows it was wrong. However, this is a little different. It does not show someone who cares a lot for people (especially women) if he buys a woman out of a catalog to use as a sex object. He probably did it because he so objectified the prostitute that he didn't even think of it as having sex with another human being. A lot of men don't actually consider sex with a prostitute or stripper cheating. Since he's getting counseling and told you right away what happened, I don't think your marriage is lost if you want to give it another shot. Just be wary of this objectifying thing...
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (15 September 2010):
 Heck, it's not just that he cheated, it's that he's at Police training and broke the law. WTF kind of judgement does that show?!?
You know your husband better than anyone. You will know if his remorse is real. The fact that he told you right away is (believe it or not) a good sign that he is really sorry and wants to make ammends.
Search your heart. Decide what you want to do. Counceling is a good idea. I think it would be good if you could do some couples counceling too.
Remember, ultimate forgiveness means that it is something that you will no longer hold against him. Once he has served his time, so to speak, it is over and you've moved on. You need to decide if this is something you're capable of.
I'm very sorry this happened to you. I hope that whatever you choose to do, you do with what is best for you in mind.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (15 September 2010):
 Your good husband paid a prostitute for something he could have gotten for free from you? Sure it was a blow job and nothing more. It scares me that he said there was no thought about it, as in there was nothing wrong with what he did. He obviously didn't think of his wife, children, or great suburbia life when he was getting his knob polished. He referred to her as an object, not even as a woman or acknowledged that it's cheating until after the fact. As if he just mentally blocked out the transpiring event. Nonetheless I don't agree with him using a mental issue to justify his cheated. He cheated, it's plain as day. Cheaters rarely think. I don't suggest a doctor, I suggest marriage counseling if you want to work this out with him and STD testing as soon as possible. I see him giving into the possible peer pressure from the single cops, he didn't have to call that ad placed in his hand.
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