A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I recently discovered that at my girfriend at the age of 23 has had 22 sexual partners including me. Let's forgo the truth part as I believe her but what's bothering me is the number. I didn't think I'd be bothered but when she counted up and told me I was shocked! Am I being an ass or is this bad on her part? This is really playing on my mind. I'm 27 and have slept with near 40 so feel bad thinkng this. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2010): that's something you'll never get over dude. trust me. All you can think about (and that I think about) is that she does everything I want her to, and she wouldn't have if she idnd't have that experience......I had major trust issues when I met my gf, and I even posted stuff on here to help me get over it, it's a maturity thing. Not sayingn you're not, it just takes time to get over it. So I've been with more chicks than my girl has been, but the part that bothered me was that she wouldn't admit she was easy. I mean, I WAS EASY :), why coulnd't she admit the same....but eventually I got over it......as long as you know she burried her past, doens't talk to past lover, they don't keep in touch with her and vice versa.......
A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (23 June 2010):
I have been bothered before by a GFs sexual past before, and I also used to think it was me. I posted on sites like this and have been told to "grow up" and I was "immature." Also was the ubiquitous "how about you" responses.
After some sessions with some shrinks and a bunch of research, I realized it wasnt "just me." I realized that my feelings were just a product of my evolutionary past - paternal certitude specifically. This is why I typically found womens responses to my plight as unsatisfactory. Like it or not, men and women are different, and different things are going to effect us differently. Just how it is. So instead of feeling like I had to change something perfectly normal about me, I realized that I just had to be with the right person.
I'll be the first to admit - I have left more than a few women with sordid sexual pasts (and for FAR less people than 22 by the age of 23!). Now, because of holding fast to my beliefs, I have found someone perfect for me. There is no shrinks to see, no never ending images in my head, no yearning for more info that you need but dont really want. There is no me having to change to carry someone elses baggage. There is just bliss and happiness, and in a way I owe it to many of my ex-gf's pasts bc if it wasnt for that I many have never found the gem I am currently with.
Best of luck to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2010): Are you bothered by the amount of women you slept with?
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (23 June 2010):
 You say this is 'really playing on my mind'.
That's a warning sign, you need to be careful. Plenty of guys come her having had something like this bother them for too long: and it tends to get worse and worse.
The sooner you can pull out of this way of thinking the better. It's got nothing to do with her: it's about whether you can let go of the need to think about these feelings.
You're perfectly entitled to not feel good about her past. She's had sex with a lot of guys. You like her. It's as simple as that: you don't like the feeling triggered by that information. And you never will.
But what you can do is learn to not think about it. If you stop thinking about it, and just allow the feelings to pass by, then you'll find yourself able to gradually let it go. I recommend trying to distract yourself with something else, pretty much anything you find interesting or fun, whenever you find yourself thinking about this.
Perhaps this has just happened to you, and you'll find this not to difficult. But if you're really struggling I suggest you go through my answer history. I've been writing about this subject on this site for years, having been through it myself. Just beware, a lot of that material will trigger difficult feelings for you, so don't go there unless you have to. The best place you can be is to not be thinking about it at all.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2010): christ, the word some ppl could use to describe both of you is the same. Get over it. I count myself lucky my fiance and i have had the same amount of sexual partners, which can be counted on two hands! Stop being a sexist pig.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2010): Again thanks guy, all possitive stuff. As. For the question what bothers me I think it's the thought of those guys all stood round comparing notes on her, I know this would not happen as only a couple of them know each other.
Silly thoughts I know, never used anything like this before but again thanks it's helped a lot.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2010): Come on man! You have room to be talking about someone else?Get over it. Remember, your a number on 40 other womens list. Should their boyfriends be upset about you? It doesn't matter if it was 2 or 200. That was before you met her. I'd rather have someone with experience. If you love each other it shouldn't matter.
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female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (23 June 2010):
 Sexual tally' indeed. As if you were playing a darts competition!
I suppose if you were a 'can-be-counted-on-the-fingers-of-one-hand' guy I could understand your being a little spooked out, but given that you're batting a high average (I mean, come on, 40? You've had your share of fun, y'know) yourself, your feelings towards her are hypocritical. In any case, you should follow the disclaimer they put on those equity fund offers "Past performance may or may not be sustained in the future".
You both need to assess whether you're finished experimenting sexually before you decide whether the relationship is capable of reaching another level. If you are, the past doesn't matter for her any more than it does for you.
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female
reader, Caresha  +, writes (23 June 2010):
Hi there,
You are not an ass! Feeling somewhat ashamed of your reaction and realising that you your feelings are not "fair" and actually seeking someone to talk about makes you a good guy. Feeling something doesn't make you an ass. How you cope with it does.
I am a woman and I have slept with a lot of guys - and I get a similar reaction to yours a lot. So I do have a bit of experience in that area :)
Please sit down for a moment and ask yourself why it bothers you. Understanding why you have that emotion might lead to the solution.
Do you fear that she is "not done" as stated in the first answer?
Do you feel that her experience with a lot of other men could make you look bad compared to other guys?
Do you feel like she is "used goods"?
Are you afraid that her heart is not completely with you?
...
I could go on as the actual reason to why it bothers men can be so different! Ask yourself that question and come back to to talk about it. It might help you to shake that feeling.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2010): No offence but for your age and the amount of women you slept with, you got no right judging her. If anything I think you two are more on the same level then a girl who only slept with 3-10 men.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2010): Thanks guys think that was the lick in the ass I needed.
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female
reader, Myrrh +, writes (23 June 2010):
 Hello. I cant imagine she was in love 22 times. Or you were in love 40 times. So i would guess most.of her sexual partners were one night stands and relationships of short duration. You may look back on your past with a shudder now you are older and wiser. And wish you'd eased up a bit on the sex side of things. But the same could be said for your girlfriend. You were both sowing your wild oats. Your concern shouldnt be the number of guys she did it with...but has she finished doing it. Is she ready for one partner, foresaking all others. If her wild days are over and shes happilly settled with you, you are in a good position. I know someone who settled very early with the first guy she met. 12 years and 4 children later she became resentful of the fact she settled too early and hadnt had any fun as a youngster. She started getting gussied up and clubbing most weekends. Going home drunk at all hours with her panties in her handbag. Things ended badly for the marriage. Atleast your young lady did things in the right order. Party first, settle later. AND shes not like some. She could have lied and given a much smaller number when you asked. But she was honest and you have to respect that. I wouldnt make too much of an issue of it if i were you. Anything negative you say to her about it can be deflected back at you twicefold, because you slept with twice as many! So dont give her past anymore thought than you give your own. All the best x
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male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (23 June 2010):
 Women are judged differently when it comes to the amount of sexual partners they've had, and yes, you are being somewhat of an ass given the double standard. Don't be a sissy dude.
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