A
male
age
41-50,
*-NZ
writes:Hi thereMy girlfriend and I have been together for 8yrs. She is 29 and I am 31 in three days. She really wants to have kids, but I am not sure. Sorry for the long story that follows but it gets a bit more complicated.I can imagine having kids at some point in the future (say 6 yrs), but I can also imagine that my current feelings about kids (not very keen at all) will not change at all. Some people simply grow into it and others simply don't. And I also think having kids just because your partner wants them is going in a bit light. I also know myself and I know I do things generally at a slower pace in life than others (having interest in girls, having a girlfriend, taking on responsbilities at work etc etc...). So I can kind of see myself changing and becoming 'adult' about it all in my late 30s or so. But then again that may never happen, who knows..The situation now is that my girlfriend is getting scared of my so-far unchanged feelings and my time horizon of 5-7yrs is too long for her. Her stance is: if I cannot decide now if I want kids in the future, she wants me at least to commit to having them, even if it turns out I don't want them when the time comes. (Pfff I am annoying myself with the complexity of it all). Her recent decision is that that decision must be made before she is 30, otherwise it is Gonesville for me.Although not clear from this post (trying to keep it short), we click on EVERYTHING else and we have a very good relationship (I give us a 9.5 out of 10) and don't want to loose each other. Its just that the most important to her, is a family in the future. My questions are: are you or have you been in this situation? What did/would you do? What do you think I should do? Are there ways to get my mind more clear on this? I guess I am really just looking to use some of you out there as a sounding board.To me the topic of kids is just surreal so how can I promise to do something that big, when I don't even understand it and feel the way I feel at age 31?Again, sorry for the long post. And Thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009): do we ever grow up??
i think you need to acknowledge your selfishness to her and then you need to love her enough to release her. yes, you need to let her go. NOW.
she may hate you for a while but she owes it to herself to feel the joy of motherhood. she should be able to find a man who would love her enough to want to make a baby with her. most of the time, a child is the extension of our love we have with our partners. it is the one precious gift, unexplainable but totally necessary.
while you ponder your maturity levels her clock is ticking. so please do not take up any more of her time.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (9 December 2009):
I'm afraid you have to let her go. A woman's fertility is at its highest aged 29, and after that is begins to decline. In six years time, when she is 35, it will be 40% harder for her to conceive, there will be a higher chance of the baby being ill or her miscarrying. By the age of 40, it is another 40% harder to conceive, and by the time she's 45, her biological clock will nearly have stopped.
It would be terrible if you didn't let her go, and she found out then couldn't conceive. I only ever saw that once with one woman, but can say that it really destroyed her. Don't do that to your girlfriend. She wants kids now, you don't. You have to end it.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (9 December 2009):
You need to let her go.
You can't be a good dad if you are not into the whole thing.
Let her find a man who can give her the family she wants. She needs someone who will get excited about scans and kicking and talk about the best way to potty train over a big book in bed at night.
That is not going to be you.
It's tough but once you hit the late 20's kids become an incredibly serious issue in relationships.
Tell her that you don't think you'll be ready for a family in the next 10 years and end this in an amicable way.
There are women out there who don't want kids either. I married my husband because we both knew that neither of us wanted any little brats running about any time in the next 20 years. We'll be an amazing aunty and uncle once our friends have kids that are old enough to be interesting.
She may have been the perfect girlfriend for you through your 20's but she and you are no longer compatible long term.
It's a horrible thing to tell you to do, but if you can hear it from a stranger on the internet, then it may at least make you think about the tough decisions ahead.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (9 December 2009):
 Your girlfriend wants kids, and her biological clock is ticking. I can udnerstand why she has put a cut off age on this situation. Asking her to wait another 6 years, and you still might not want children is very unfair, she will then be 35, and the risks to her and any babies will have increased, also by having babies later she will be older when they are teens and in their 20s, and harder to take care of.
If you dont want kids tell her so now, so that she can then decide if she wants to stay with you for a childless future, or if she wants to break it off and try and find somebody who is interested in being a parent.
If you dont want kids fair enough, you shouldnt be forced to have them, but be honest with her, instead of the selfish prick you currently are!
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