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male
age
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anonymous
writes:My girlfriend recently let slip that she was involved in a threesome when she was 16. The threesome involved her older sister (age 23) and the sister's boyfriend. Some things can't be unheard or rewound and it is now driving me nuts. The words statutory rape and incest come to mind in addition to the thought that older sisters are supposed to protect their younger sisters, not exploit them. I have not as yet discussed this any further with my GF because I am still in a state of shock and don't really know where to begin. I love her, but she comes from a rather dysfunctional family so this is not the only baggage she has. She was also sexually abused as a young girl by her now deceased father and spent quite a few years in therapy dealing with the repercussions of that. She is now trying to move on with her life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009): I think you should realise that your girlfriend probably did not "let slip" about this whole thing. I expect she told you because she feels that knowledge is important if you are to accept her for who she is. That experience may have formed her in some way and she shared it with you in the same way she shares herself with you.If she is trying to move on with her life then this may well be part of it. I have suffered sexual abuse too and find that I really cannot sleep with a man until he knows this about me. I'm not sure why but it certainly helps me. On reflection perhaps it's about trust and knowing that until you can trust someone to know about your darkest times and accept you still, then you can't really trust them.I think you should discuss it with your burd asap.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2009): I think this is down to whether or not you want to 'deal with this' when actually you do have the choice to walk away - whether or not you love her. Its not easy accepting this is part of someones past and I don't think I could move on from it - other than moving on from the relationship. One thing I don't believe in doing is staying in a relationship whilst your sense of self is eroded - you might find you can become a stronger person from this knowledge or it might just eat away at you. Maybe you need to give it 6 months and if the feeling is still as strong in a negative way then its time to accept the relationship cannot survive.
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male
reader, duce00 +, writes (17 November 2009):
 Its a collateral damage thing in my opinion. See, its all fresh to you and you have to process the stuff that she had years of digesting and getting therapy on. You probably expect her to have stronger feelings than she does about all this don't you? She did her time on this shit, you are just getting started.
The reality is that a very large percentage of women have sexual abuse in they're history. Some get the help they need and others repeat the dysfunction for the rest of they're lives creating a string of broken men in their wake. We cant rescue those ones, that is why there are therapists.
If your wife seems like she is showing unresolved sexual issue type behavior like promiscuity, addictions, sexual control games etc then you have very good reason to be concerned. Don't ask me how I know this kind of behavior so well (ughhhhhh I spot that shit a mile away now).
What I am hearing is that she is trying to grow and resolve the past. I understand your disgust...shit man, it is disgusting! Maybe you could suggest some couples counseling and do your very best not to shame her. If she is a woman who made some poor choices due to old dysfunction and is determined to be honest and true to you because you trust her and want to help build something she has never known then you both might have something beautiful there.
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male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (17 November 2009):
she made some bad decisions - empathy and love are all it should take to support her and let her know you still love her! The past is the past, not an anchor...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDon't think this has to do with jealousy. I really could care less about something she did 35+ years ago except for the fact there was incest and statutory rape involved. I think this has more to do with poor choices she has made in her life and with her uncanny ability to previously surround herself with people looking to exploit her, both emotionally and sexually; including but not limited to family members, college professors, spouses, and significant others. I knew she had this threesome but only recently learned who with. That is when I started having problems with it. While maybe a bit embarrassed or hesitant to talk about it with people she doesn't trust, she doesn't really regret doing/experiencing it. Just one of many skeletons to come popping out of her closet and this is really one I could do without. I know the only reason I even know about it is because she trusts me. As stated, I'm more upset with the older sister (boyfriend is now sisters husband) than I am my GF, who was only 16 at the time. Everybody has a past, including me, but with each revelation, and this is only one of many, I'm starting to feel I don't really know her like I thought I did. She did a couple of years of therapy for the sexual abuse and I'm sure the basis for most of her problems lie there so she very well might have discussed this with her therapist already and come to terms with it. If she even needed to. I did not know her during the exploitive phase of her life so I have no baseline to compare. Those who knew her then tell me she is very happy now.
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female
reader, april1116 +, writes (17 November 2009):
 I mean mistakes happen, however what she did with her sister and her boyfriend was nasty she should be ashamed of herself. I'm sure thats in the past now and she is not doing things like that anymore but anyway if you love her communicate with her tell her how you feel about the situation. Talking really helps situations, and when you talk to her try to do it without you guys having a argument. GOOD LUCK!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2009): You're not jealous that she had a threesome are you... Don't answer that - it's a rhetorical question. Because if you're not, get over yourself and realise that this was in her past. Done, and dusted. If she appears to be suffering from it still, i.e. traumatised, sensitively suggest if she might want to speak to a professional counselor about it. Support her through that process.
Be supportive, be considerate, be patient. This is not about you. If you feel it is, then do the right thing and leave her, because you clearly don't love her. If you do love her, love her for her. Know that the past is what it is, past.
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