A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem with my GF's past!I am 24 years old and have slept with about 10 people, she is 20 and has slept with 12 people before me! Should this be bothering me so much, is that alot? She told me that everyone she has slept with wasnt just for sex, she always had some hope that things might work out between them even though she didnt love them and knew things probably wouldnt work out!She also knew everyone for at least 1 month before she slept with them!I know im the love of her life and she is the love of my life i trust her 100% i really do and the future looks great except i cant stop thinking about her number being 12 and the fact she lost her virginity young at 14!She also slept with a guy after she saw him make out with 2 girls (thats all he did BTW fully clothed was kiss the 2 girls) and she also watched him watch the 2 girls being sexual with each other! She said she would of never slept with him if he had gotten naked with the 2 girls and when she did sleep with him he wasnt doing anything with the girls anymore and they werent watching so it wasnt like a 3some or anything because I WOULD NEVER GO OUT WITH A GIRL WHO HAS HAD A 3SOME but i still think its kinda bad!So my question is this am i just over reacting about my GFS past? I always told myself i wouldnt go out with a girl who has slept with over 10 people, she is 2 over!Should i brake my moral for her because i love her so much!and.....I always said i woulndt go out with a girl who lost it before 16 so should i brake my moral for the sake of 1 1/2 years! (she lost it at 14 1/2 btw).....So what i want to know is should i brake my morals for love?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): I'm the same way, my brother. It pained me enormously what she had done in the past. I even broke up with the girl I thought to be the love of my life over the same thing.The thing is, it's going to happen to you with EVERY girl you meet and fall in love with. What i'm trying to tell you, is that the problem does not lie with finding a virgin girl, or al least one that has had less partners (because even if you 'do', you'll never know for sure). The problem is finding a way to raise your self-esteem and get rid of your being insecure. I promise this will help and it works like a charm. Try therapy, perhaps. Also, think about this: Some girls just lie about their past to become more interesting sexual partners-to-be. It's very unlikely that she had sex with that many people. But even if she did, it's your insecurity you need to work on, and I already talked about that...
A
male
reader, TI83  +, writes (18 August 2010):
I am 23 and im engaged to my beautiful 22 year old fiance. I was the first guy my fiance ever fooled around with when she was 17. I moved off to alberta for school for 4 years when i came back we started dating. She told me she had only slept with 4 guys while i was gone, later on i found out she slept with 15 guys. One of the guys was her step father apparently he raped her but i am not allowed to be rude or say anything to him when he comes around so i have a small feeling she made that up but doesnt have the guts to tell me its not true. She has also let a girl go down on her. We are perfectly fine when we are together as long as she has enough cigarettes otherwise she gets very mean. but when im at work some of the things she has done comes into my mind and drives me nuts. Should i just work to forget about it. I do love her very much but these thoughts keep getting stronger and buggin me more. She also has a two year old son whos dad is a complete loser. Deals drugs does drugs never sees his son. And she calls me daddy infront of her child who i would love to raise as my own but when she doesnt have smokes she makes terrible comments like `Im not his real daddy and his real daddy is much better than me i dont compare at all` she breaks up with me alot because shes blown something tiny out of proportion or sometimes its nothin at all she just feels like getting mad at me. I have noticed since being with her that i drink alot more and its gone from beer to vodka and rum sometimes mixed together and i drink it straight out of the bottle how trashy is that right. Should i leave her. After reading what i just wrote i would probably say yes but i just love her so much
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male
reader, df30 +, writes (26 January 2010):
Welcome to the club is right. My gf had slept with two before me which isn't a deal at all in fact I dont even think about those but in a span of two years she messed around with 15. A handful I knew from school. I always thought of myself as being secure and never have had these thoughts with any other girl. I was a virgin before we met and I "messed" with 7 girls before her. The first thing to realize is that its normal man. My gf was insecure and did things to try to get a relationship started. This issue ate me alive but friend there is light at the end of the tunnel. I talked with her about how I felt which is a judgement call I'm glad I told her but it really hurt her and that sucked. I hated myself for thinking this way. So I prayed for forgiveness. forgiveness on my part for hurting her and forgiveness for what she had done before me (Which is dumb because that was before me not her fault) but eventually those thoughts diminished. I know how much I love her and I would do anything to make our relationship perfect. I feel like im cured so I had to come back to these blogs I searched for answers on to give atleast one success story. The past is the past man leave it there, If you love her ask God for strength to conquer this, IF not then please leave her and save yourselves a boatload of misery. Remember its not who was before you, but who will come after your gone that will hurt far worse. Do it for yourself but please do it for her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2009): to the original poster,
I'm in the same situation as you. Been with my gf for 6 months now. This being a problem we both have, I'd appreciate it if you'd tell me how your relationship has been going with this issue. Are you guys still dating? Are your feelings under control? Are you happy in the relationship?
Appreciate it very much!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2008): It's not about whether it "matters" to the guys in these situations.
It's about constant, daily, hourly emotional pain that they can't stop feeling no matter how much they want to.
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female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (17 May 2008):
 It doesnt matter what she has done in her past. We all have one at some point and you cant change it or undo it. All that matters is your relationship and what you do together, its natural to be jealous of someones past but 12 is just a number and its not that much more than 10 is it?! x
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female
reader, Alex4868 +, writes (17 May 2008):
 Quite frankly the past is the past i mean you have slept with ten people so you should not be thinking about that and as you said that 'Iknow im the love of her life and she is the love of my life i trust her 100% i really do and the future looks great' so if you know these things and you love her too you should keep her if not and you will always be worried about the relationship Ditch her but dont forget every relationship has its problems.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2008): I dont see how her past effects you and your relationship if you make each other happy at this point in time. We all make wrong decisions when we are younger and sometimes we do things because at the time, they make us feel good about ourselves....its not until years later when we are ready to settle down, that we wish that we had perhaps been a little slower to make our choices and that perhaps we had chosen a different path altogether.
All I am saying is if you didn't know that information, you would think the world of her right? She still would have been with those people.
My partner and I have never done the 'how many' question and we have been with each other over 4 years. I have always felt that it really doesn't matter, it doesn't change the way I feel and I can't change whats happened anyway.
Personally I dont know whether it may also might create a sense of 'catch up' from the person clocking up the least -I dont know why that is but why give a relationship yet another reason to break down on top of everything else? Is that maybe your problem? You now feel inadequate to her experiences or something?
I cant really understand how you can judge her - its not like you are clocking up low numbers when you take into consideration that people at one point would have 1 or 2 partners in their lifetime!
I think you are being very unfair holding her past against her, like I said, we all make wrong choices sometimes and there may be perfectly good reasons behind her sleeping with so many, I certainly felt that I can justify my reasons. Private message me if you want more detail.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (17 May 2008):
 I believe in simple reasoning. Whatever your girl's past, you have two options: take her, or leave her. Choose one. Is she good enough to stay with her: take her. Otherwise, leave her. Don't make your life -or hers- more complicated.
I don't have anything in particular against you, poster, but I wonder how it was that you came to decide you wouldn't be with anyone who has been with more than ten people, or someone who lost her virginity before sixteen. How did you set those parameters?
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reader, oldfool  +, writes (17 May 2008):
 Bothered about your girlfriend's past? Welcome to the club! It's a big issue for so many guys and it comes up again and again.
The funny thing, it has all these variations. Some guys obsess because their girlfriend was seriously into drugs and random sex. Others worry because she gave a blow job once (and once only). But the feeling of hurt and upset is the same.
You're case is interesting because you've set yourself a couple of arbitrary limits ("no more than 10 men", "no sex before 16") and you're talking about getting rid of her because she went over those limits. Well, would it make any difference? What if she'd had only 8 men and lost her virginity at 18? I'm sure you'd find a way to get upset over that, too!
It seems to be that once you have possession of the girl, some deep-seated instinct kicks in and her past sexual experiences become a vivid obsession that hurts like hell and won't go away. It's impossible to wish these feelings away and they come back again and again to prey on your mind.
My advice is: try and get over it. You can't wish these things away, but you can stop obsessing about them. If you let these feelings get to you, you could end up making both your lives a misery for many years. And for what? Something that happened before you even knew her!
Anyway, there's nothing strange or abnormal about the way you're feeling. But you owe it to yourself and to her to get over this. In your rational mind you know what the truth is. It happened before your time. It's part of her past and makes her what she is today. You can trust her 100%. She loves you. You love her. What else could you want? Don't let past happenings become the fly in the ointment that destroys something truly wonderful that is happening in the here and now.
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2008): A good rule of thumb to live by, is the past is the past.
Her reasoning is logical, we all hope this person will be forever.
What matters now, is how you both feel for each other, and what you will do for each other in the years to come: trust, compassion, caring, protecting for each other is what matters now.
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