A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I am having some serious issues in my relationship and I don't know how to deal with them. I am coming here for some much needed perspective. To start, I'm a gay female. 33 years old. My girlfriend is 27. We have what I would normally consider a healthy relationship by the standards of every other relationship I've ever had in my life. But for some reason, she's incredibly - and I mean incredibly - insecure. It seems completely unfounded, and it's chipping away at our relationship entirely. No one has cheated; no one has been caught lying; we talk when we first wake up; we call each other when we get off work; we see each other at least 3 days out of any given week and spend quality time together (we live 2 hours away); we have an active sex life. All that being said, she still constantly is insecure. And it's driving me to consider ending the relationship, as that's not the type of relationship I'm looking for, and it's simply not changing. To give a few examples, I usually get out of class at 8:30 pm on Monday nights and drive the 2 hours straight there. However, this particular evening, there were severe thunderstorm warnings with tornadoes and hail. The power in my class even went out for a few minutes. I called her on the way home and told her I was going to head home and wait it out before heading that way as I could barely even see while driving, the rain was so hard. Her response was to be like, "well, if you don't want to come see me, you don't have to." I knew it was coming, but I nonetheless wasn't willing to risk my life because my girlfriend was going to get angry at me. We wound up fighting for hours after this.Another example, last week, I got off the phone with her to watch my favorite TV shows with my roommate. Sunday nights are our night to watch certain shows we love and my girlfriend knows that. She even heard him in the background ask if I was down to watch the shows, and I said yes. Fast forward to two hours later, and she's texting me asking "are you really with your roommate watching TV?" I was like yes babe. And she was like "are you sure?" Again, I was like yes babe. She then asked if there was anyone else there with me that I didn't tell her about. I said no. The questions irritated the crap out of me but I chose to let it go. But by the end of the night, she texted me asking me what I was doing (we had texted literally all night long), and I was about to walk into my room and get ready to call her. So I simply replied "about to call you in just a minute." When I called her, she immediately asked what I was hiding and why I didn't just tell her what I was doing when she asked. I got angry as hell as I didn't do anything wrong. Last example, as I could go on all night long. We went out of town to the beach last week. We woke up early and were getting ready. Well, I wound up getting very entertained by a news article I was reading. She knows I'm an avid reader and keep up with politics on a daily basis. So this should come as no surprise. So I was in my phone for about 20 minutes while she was getting ready. Apparently during that time, I was distracted and didn't notice her carrying her bags down the stairs, which I guess pissed her off. However, I made a point to take them outside and pack them in the car for her. But that didn't matter. We hit the road and she was acting strange. I could tell something was wrong but I literally had no idea what. I asked her and she finally admitted she was pissed I had been on my phone and freaked out to the point she damn near killed us while driving. She said screw it, we just wont go to the beach anymore, slammed on her brakes, veered across lanes, and then stopped at a green light. She refused to drive, despite people behind her honking at her to go. I begged her to drive but she wouldn't. She sat there for minutes until I said I still wanted to go (despite her being the one who said for us not to go). I wanted to disappear into myself I was so embarrassed. It also made me assess just how crazy she really is. I could literally go on all night long with stories like this. She's smothering me and driving me to the brink of my sanity. I literally don't feel that I can do anything. I can't pick up my phone without her getting upset. I can't wait out a severe thunderstorm before driving there, I can't watch TV with my roommate. I feel unbelievably stifled. I don't do that to her. I'd never get mad at her for not driving in a tornado. I'd never get mad at her for watching TV or having a night out with friends. She keeps saying it's going to change and it just hasn't. I'm beyond this type of stuff in relationships. It's insanely immature and it's not what I'm looking for. She keeps saying this isn't how she normally is and it's going to change. But it's simply not happened. What do I do? Do I give up? Or just let it go and give her more chances? The problem is that it's making me miserable to the point I don't even want to be around her. But I don't want to feel this way. Help!
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 April 2017):
 She is not going to change. She is telling you she is not usually like this because she knows herself how insecure she is being. But honey she doesn't trust you and she is not going to suddenly start. If it was me I would end things before I went totally crazy. She needs to learn to trust people and it does sound like she needs some time alone to work on her issues. You both are simply not healthy together.
A
male
reader, VitaminZ +, writes (29 March 2017):
Veering across lanes is dangerous. I feel like she purposely put you in danger while she was driving. I'd consider that some type of abuse. If you can't trust her to keep you safe, there's nothing else to fight about or discuss. End it.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (29 March 2017):
 You're describing borderline abuse and substantial emotional manipulation that is not only psychologically toxic but is actually very literally endangering both of your livelihoods. The thunderstorm story alone was enough for me to have me peace out,she is so absorbed in her own neuroses she's willing to have you killed for it, and that car story????? Sounds like a lifetime movie level instability. Get out while you still feel the little bit of agency left in you.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (28 March 2017):
 When you are with your partner, you should feel happy. When you are away from them, you should miss them and look forward to seeing them. If you are dreading being with her and worried about what she may so or do, its time to get out.
Your girlfriend, at 27, is acting like a 15/16 year old. She's old enough to know better but is acting childish, manipulative and controlling. This is how she REALLY is. I wouldn't put up with it. You shouldn't either. It won't get better. If she tells you she will change, I wouldn't believe it. She's just being who she really is. She's exhausting and probably not worth your time. Walk away sweets. You'll save yourself some heartache and lots of headaches.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 March 2017):
 I'd end it.
I get that you care for her and she makes you feel needed, but she is VERY manipulative and honestly childish. I agree with Ruby that she does sound like some of her issues could stem from a personality disorder, which is not an excuse but a reason.
To take ONE of your examples - the beach trip. SHE put you in danger because she wanted to throw a tantrum. SHE could have told you:" hey, can you get off your phone so we can pack and leave? But no, she CHOSE to throw a hissy fit WHILE driving.!
You get a 3rd-degree Spanish inquisition level interrogation over watching tv shows with your room mate? Seriously? And that is OK?
If you REALLY take the time to think this relationship over do you SEE yourself with her AS she is long term? (because she isn't going to change). If not, TIME to end it. And don't offer to be friends or STILL talk if she needs to. NO, a CLEAN break with NO contact after it's over.
And I WOULD tell her exactly WHY you can't continue. Who knows she might accept responsibility and seek help, she might not but those issues (insecurity and manipulation) are serious and not something YOU can fix by loving her or by ENABLING her either. My guess is she will get worse in time.
It doesn't sound like a "normal" or healthy relationship to me.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (28 March 2017):
 This is how she normally is though. Doesnt sound like she's ever been different from your description.
I don't think there's anything you can do to help with her insecurities. Sounds like she needs councilling.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2017): Okay, you got it all off your chest. Now what are you going to do about it? Complaining and putting up with it makes absolutely no sense. None!
The point of a relationship is to keep each other company, share the good and the bad times, give each other support, share intimacy, and have an open-line of communication. If you fight or disagree; you have to listen, as well as be heard. Compromise. At least that's what you get in a healthy adult-relationship. They all have ups and downs, and none are perfect. However; some are just plain BAD!!!
I frequently make the remark that "insecurity kills relationships!" Your job is not to fix broken people, change them; or to be changed by them to suit their expectations. Walking on eggshells, pandering to their insecurities, and tolerating their childish bullsh*t is not really a romantic-relationship. That is baby-sitting a spoiled brat. It is handling a self-centered irrational person who can only see your faults, and not their own. They are demanding that you accept less than you give.
Never expect less from your partner than you are giving. Of course you give the relationship time to adjust to each others quirks, and to iron-out the kinks. That's the mature and intelligent thing to do. Love is wasted, when it receives no reward; or isn't reciprocated in equivalent amounts.
It defies logic and the laws of common-sense to endure a constant barrage of rantings, tantrums, false-accusations, and threats. That is not rational behavior; nor is putting up with it. There is a certain amount of blame that falls on you for allowing it to happen to you.
You do not hold on to people whose only purpose in the relationship is to suck all the positive-energy out of you.
They show you no respect or consideration for your patience and tolerance. Your feelings mean naught. It's all about them and their needs; and you constantly have to prove things and reassure them. If you get all this and stick around? Who's the fool?
You may as well shut-up and put-up! Not me, life's too short! I want quality of life. I will offer it to anyone willing to make a fair exchange! You can do bad all by yourself!
Give her more chances to do what?!! Destroy your mental-health? Rob you of your sanity? Force you to loose it to the point you might go violent or verbally-abuse her? What?
Fearing being alone or going through withdrawal from not having a girlfriend is cowardice. You WILL eventually breakup!!! The question is, how far are you going to let this go; and on what terms does it have to happen? Street-fights, getting injured or killed in an accident, picking up a vase in a rage; and clubbing her over the head? Or the other way around? That's exactly where this is heading.
You are approaching the boiling-point. That isn't safe for either of you. The misery will feed into resentment, and that goes quickly from anger to rage. People wait too long in these unhealthy situations. Unthinkable things happen.
Sit her down. Insecure people need a lot of closure. Practice if you must. It's going to be very emotional and she will pull out all the stops. Expect her greatest drama queen performance. Tell her that you have had enough. Her insecurities are not what you love about her, but what you have accepted as a part of her. They have now overtaken your relationship. You are very unhappy and disappointed; and nothing seems to change no matter how hard you try to work with it. You will not do anything to change her. So you will let her be her, and you will be you. You have to go. Have a suitcase packed, and call a friend or relative to pick you up. Take time away to let her soak it all in. Avoid a fight.
Later, pack your things, suck it up, and leave her. No big dramatic departure, no fighting over who gets the cats, and divide things up fairly. Just getup and go. It has gone long and far enough. Yes, breakups are painful; but staying in an awful relationship that worsens by the day is no better!
The next post is usually the one that says how good the person is, otherwise. Then comes the self-doubt. Maybe you're overreacting. How much you really love them, and maybe you were just venting. Read your post again. Then decide. List all the pros and cons if you must. Look at all the examples you've listed.
You said these are only a few?!!!
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (28 March 2017):
No don't give her any more chances. She told you a big fat lie - this IS how she normally is. Insecure, clingy and mistrustful. She either can't change or she doesn't want to. You don't have to be dragged down with her.
I went out with someone a bit like this and it really doesn't get any better - it gets worse because the more you do to reassure them and quell their fears the clingier and more demanding they become.
The guy I dated was later diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (now known as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder). Google both terms and see if your girlfriend meets any of the criteria.
But personality disorders aside - it's time to end the relationship.
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A
female
reader, This_is_not_a_dress_rehearsal +, writes (28 March 2017):
 You put with with a lot. More than I could handle. Tell her what you wrote here, give her a chance to check herself -- maybe suggest she get help. Then say bye bye if she can't deal with this unhealthy damaging problem. You don't have to stay and tolerate dangerous behavior like that. It's kind of crazy, on her and on you who takes it.
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