A
male
age
41-50,
*unkdafied
writes:Hi,I am 28 yrs old and I am in love with this 24 yrs old british girl with a pretty filled and trashy sexual background. We have been together for 4 months and connected staright away, we are both crazy and very alert but the first times we tried to have sex were a real nightmare for me as she was very confident and open about her past with men, it would basically put me off and couldn't get it up because of that. Having myself a pretty active sexual background, I was very frustated not to be able to cope with a girl on the same level as me. After reasoning myself for good, we managed to do it and since then we have been very active and the sex has been amazing.However, because of her past insecurities with men attention she went a bit more into details about how she would get their attention; she would go out clubbing and pull, she'd be very frustated if she'd leave the club without pulling anyone, she'd take some drugs and go to raves. The ultimate turn off for me was when I asked her how many men she had and how she'd go about them, she replied more than my age but less than 30 and about 10 one night stands with random guys, in which one in the toilets of a club, one in a the back of car etc...she probably had other creepy experiences like this but for some reasons, i could not cope anymore. The irony is I have the same kind of background with women but I never accepted to be with a woman this slutty cause it makes me feel like I am just another one, that she's "dirty" in some kind of way etc...Now it's being really hard for me to have sex with her again because of that and that is killing me because I love her so much, she's funny, she's clever and have everything i want in a girl. How can I get over this? How can I be hard again? How can I regain confidence? Thanks for your answers!
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clubbing, confidence, drugs, her past, one night stand Reply to this Question
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male
reader, dan101394 +, writes (9 March 2011):
dude holy crap this is just like me except i hav an innocent past and its 100000000 times owrst when u had no other sex partners before her. trust me man. u shouldnt be complaining, u got it good compared to me. my girlfriend is 15 and im 16 and she has had sex with 2 older men. at least doubler her age and she gave head for 2 years to a mid 40s yr old man and was fingered by a dike and was raped. now imagine being sloppy 8ths. thts me! has sex with 2 men and her exboyfriend and done sexual acts with 5 other ppl including me. its killing me but im at the point where i dont love her anymore. and next time i see her im not gonna touch her. im tired of feeling dirty after sex. im tired of feeling like another one. im tired of thinking about everyone else who has been insider her and when i kiss her i think about the dicks tht hav been in her mouth. i cant stand this anymore. im sick with hate!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008):
You're feeling 100% normal for a man to feel. The problem is that your feelings are not accepted these days and they're not fair to her anyway.
Nothing will fix the hurt you feel about it. Nothing will make it go away.
Blame nature.
And blame other people when they don't even try to understand that your feelings are motivated by HURT and LOVE for her, not just a bunch of ego.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): They say our partners mirror us and what we don't like in them is what we don't like about ourselves.
I could see if you had an innocent past, but you don't, so why is it that you don't wish for her to be just like you in this regard? Do you wonder if she thinks about these other men when she is with you? Do you do that? Do you think about other women when she is with you? Do you fantasize about other women when you are with her and you worry that she may do the same? Do you compare things she does with other women and in turn worry that she has had a man with a bigger schlong, flatter stomach, bigger biceps? These are questions only you can anwer. If you do not like this about her, you do not like it about yourself.
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A
female
reader, xcharlottex +, writes (1 July 2008):
Perhaps you have some mother issues. Or perhaps you're just protecting yourself, like you feel so strongly about this woman so you find the 1st flaw possible to stop you from getting so close and hurt? & useing her background as an excuse makes this very easy for you. You should realise though that everyone's past shapes who they are in the present day if she hadnt been through those experiences she may not be the same person today. Just a thought, but I dont know you so I can't really look that far into it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2008): Wow I hope none of our other Aunts and Uncles see this one. Be very afraid if Collaroy hear's about this......
"Having myself a pretty active sexual background, I was very frustated not to be able to cope with a girl on the same level as me"
DOUBLE STANDARDS ALERT.... You have the right to grab all the pussy in the world, but as soon as you meet a girl that likes cock you can't get it up.... Sorry dear caller, but thanks for the best laugh of the day..... LOL...heehehe.....hahahah......LOL.....ROFL...... (Diovan dries tears and gets back to being an agony aunt)
Sorry for that, nobody likes to be laughed at and you did come here for help...LOL.... (sorry) Seriously, I know your trying to fight this and you can't help how you feel. Try to stay in the present, every time you turn your mind to what she did in the past, just shout STOP, and then think of something nice she did to you/for you just the other day. It's a technique for retraining your mind. You've spent 28years being told that women are delicate creatures who have less sex than men, of course it's strange when you find out that you've been sold a lie. You have every reason to feel a bit funny about all of this.
She's not DIRTY, if she's dirty then so are you. You did the same thing as her, and now your having sex with her, so you must like dirt as well. If having a lot of sex makes either one of you feel DIRTY, then I suggest you pour her a bubble bath and wash her off. You should take a shower too, just to make sure your safe...... A sort of Baptism to wash away the sexual sins, then you both feel clean.
Double standards have led to you getting your "just rewards"... Your feeling sick about this because you were one of those guys who had sex with many women without a care. Well now look at what you done, she is the same as some of the women you slept with when you didn't care. Karma's sword cut's swift and deep. However, she's not like you, she's a woman, her sexual experiences sound like a big cry of help from an insecure woman who needed a friend. It dosen't sound like it was such a sex thing for her. She was taking drugs, probably drinking and having sex with strangers to drive away her pain. I feel sorry for her and I would hate her to know how badly you think about her sometimes. Your probably one of the few "nice" guys she ever met... If you deserve such a title....
When you think these bad things, say to yourself, STOP... you know it's wrong, it's not fair...... Try to remind yourself about some of the good things about her that you love.
The sex is amazing you say and it's clear that you speak the truth when you say "I love her so much, she's funny, she's clever and have everything i want in a girl." Remember this, because your life without her will surely be poorer.
"I am in love with this experienced strong woman", you love her confidence, how does it matter how she got this way. Her past experience wasn't done by this woman you love. She may be strong and confident now, she's settled down with a man who loves her as much as she loves him. She's not the same woman of the one night stands. She looked different, she was younger, she had no confidence, she had no self-esteem, she took drugs, and slept with strangers just so she didn't have to be alone. That woman, thank goodness is long dead, and I can assure you that she will never come back. Stop worrying about this and try to keep your thoughts on the present moment, make your future golden because the past is long dead.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2008): Your hurt feelings are normal and there's nothing you can ever do about it. Welcome to the rest of your life.
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A
male
reader, Funkdafied +, writes (30 June 2008):
Funkdafied is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know this can be seen as double standard and believe me, I am not comfortable with this, i so wish I could be open and confident enough to accept that she has the right to enjoy herself as much as anybody else. I am not the macho kind of guy even though I may sound like it, you pointed out it might be something deeper, you may be right. A confident woman is what I always wanted for a relationship but it has its downsides as well, I need to be strong enough to accept some girls can have as many creepy/dodgy experiences as i had...yes maybe I am not strong enough deep inside of me, choosing the easier path of having sex with less confident girls who will boost my ego. Problem is I am in love with this experienced strong woman and i want to make it work, it is MY problem not hers, I fully agree with you guys, i just need help on how to rebuild myself, thanks again for your honest answers.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (30 June 2008):
 As you can see, this topic generates a lot of anger and criticism from people. Especially woman who themselves have suffered due to the double standard you describe, which is fair enough. Please look past their responses, this is one of those things that is very different for men and women, and hard to understand unless you've been there yourself.
I suggest you look on this site using the search, this subject comes up very frequently and there is a great deal of information about it here.
You are in a good place compared to many others with this problem because you appear to have recognized the following:
- There is a double standard here
- Your confidence, or lack of it, is the primary problem
- It's not 'her fault'
- You have separated these feelings out from your opinion of her: that she is 'everything you want in a girl' despite these unpleasant feelings
The short answer to your question is that there is nothing you can do about your girlfriends past. You will have to come to terms with it rationally, and not attempt to blame her or judge her. Since you yourself have a similar past, this should be fairly easy for you.
Much more difficult is what to do with the negative emotions: the feeling that she is dirty, and your conflicted sexual feelings. And no doubt a host of other negative feelings, such as anxiety and anger.
First understand that these are EMOTIONS. They are not subject to rationalizing, or logic, and thinking about it not going to make them go away. These are coming from a very deep place (partly biology, and partly your personality), and you're not going to change them. Most people (myself included) who have had this problem tend to obsess it, and let it take over their consciousness. This is not going to get you anywhere, it only makes it worse.
Rather, you need to learn how to accept and let go of these emotions. Accept them as ok to feel, and at the same time don't let them preoccupy you but rather try to relax and let them pass by. When you find these feelings bubbling up, take a moment to breath and focus, and let them happen. If you can let the emotions happen without reacting to them, then they'll fade. And once you get used to doing that, you'll find they become just a small distraction and eventually almost imperceptible.
It can take a while to get to that place, but it is possible (I've done it myself).
Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2008): Do you understand the double standards your setting here? How dare you call her, slutty and trashy when you done all the same things yourself. I really don't get where you get of on. Your not even a teenager or early twenties, your 28! It's time to grow up.
Coming from a 18year old.
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A
female
reader, xcharlottex +, writes (30 June 2008):
It's obvious that on some level you have a very sexist view of what a woman should be, you feel the man should be on the superior level, why does it bother you so much? is this really the issue or is it something deeper?
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